10 Steps To Seducing Your Hot Virgin Vampire BF
by halojones
Summary: This story starts off after Edward rebuffs Bella's modest advances in their newly acquired bed in Edward's room. But things take a turn for the better for these two lovesick kids when Alice takes things into her own hands. Never bet against Alice!
1. Chapter 1

**Ten Easy Steps To Seducing Your Hot Virgin Vampire of a Boyfriend**

_**disclaimer: These are not my characters -they are all Stephenie Meyers!; only the silly plot belongs to me.**_

_**The vampires are vampires; humans are humans.**_

_**This story starts off after Edward rebuffs Bella's modest advances in their newly acquired bed in Edward's room. But things take a turn for the better for these two lovesick kids when Alice takes things into her own hands. Never bet against Alice!**_

**Chapter One: Charlie's Tube Socks and Sex Don't Mix**

**BPOV**

I laid face down on the pillows covering Edward's beautiful four post bed-a gift for me. A gift that I thought meant he was finally ready. I couldn't have been more wrong. " Be reasonable, Bella," he said. " Be patient, it's not the right time yet, " he said. Tears stained my cheeks and all I wanted to do was figure a way out of the Cullen house and back to Charlie's.

"Bella, can I please come in, honey?" Alice closed the door behind her before I could even answer. She slinked down beside me and began to brush my hair back gently with her fingers. "Edward asked me to come in and check on you, and he wants you to know he isn't listening to my mind right now. What's wrong?"

"Oh, Alice," I flipped over in her direction and began sobbing quietly again. "I feel like such an idiot. A bumbling, awkward, ugly-"

"Woah, woah, woah. Calm down Bells. What happened?"

I paused- Do I have to spell it out for her? Bed, me crying, Edward downstairs? I just shook my head and left it at that.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Stop Bella. You know you're the sister I've always wanted. Never be embarrassed with me. Spill." She kissed me on the head and went back to combing my hair with her fingers.

Sigh...I might as well get it over with. " I put myself out there tonight, Alice. I finally got the nerve up to ask him. You know how hard it is for me to put myself out there for anything, let alone...this. And when he said no...and then," I started breathing heavier," and then...when he rushed out of the room like that--"

Alice held up a traffic cop stop hand at that moment, with her head curiously hanging to her side. " You ASKED him? To make love to you right now?"

I let out a muffled "yes."

Her head nodded to the side even more. "You asked him to make love to you while wearing your plaid flannel Tigger pajamas?"

Where was she going with this? "Yes...?"

"You asked him to make love to you in your plaid flannel Tigger pjs...and...you do realize you have two dabs of zit cream on your chin right now and socks that look like you stole them from Charlie's drawer?"

I shrugged. "My feet are cold."

We stared eachother for a good 5 seconds before we began laughing hysterically. "Bella, I love you more than you'll ever know!" She ruffled my hair and then promptly took my face into her small hands while giving me a very intense stare. These Cullens and their face grabbing with two hands...

"Bella, you are the woman in the relationship,. You never need to ASK! You hold the power-not dumb old Edward!" She shook her head at me, completely flabberghasted at my apparent obliviousness.

"And you are a bright, beautiful woman at that who my brother loves more than anything...everything."

I began to shake my head furiously with adjectives like "beautiful." I felt like an unwanted little troll at the moment, with zit cream dots on top. Alice tightened her grip on my head to stop the head shaking.

"Bella, if you want to consummate this relationship, you have to start thinking and acting like the sexy woman that you are. NOT the scared little Bella girl who covers her face with her hair and mumbles. I know you like to retreat to THAT Bella at times, but it's not going to be enough for this mission. The sexy womanly Bella knows what she wants and doesn't ask-she just grabs what she wants without apology!" She winked at me with a mischievous smile. I giggled and nodded sheepishly at her.

"And Bella, never question whether Edward wants you. Did it ever occur to you that he might be just as scared as you? Not about harming you either since you are still human, Bells. That's his excuse. I know he would never hurt you or lose control.I think he's afraid though of letting himself want you in ways he doesn't see appropriate for you as his "angel."

I crinkled my nose at the thought-Edward scared? It never even occurred to me. I thought he simply didn't want me the same way I wanted him physically.Alice could see her words were slowly sinking in. She smirked shrewdly.

"Bells, Edward puts you on a pedestal. A very high pedestal at that too! He sees you as some angel that should never get herself dirtied or corrupted by his own needs and desires."

Wow-she was good. It was true that he always treated me with so much respect, it almost felt uncomfortably reverent. I sometimes felt like an antique vase the way he handled me so carefully--TOO carefully. I sighed, "Oh, Alice. I think you are right-but what can I do about it?"

"Look at you right now, Bella, in your pjs and socks. You look as angelic and innocent as Edward actually thinks. But WE know better, don't we?" Let's just say when Edward isn't around, me and her can speak like truck drivers as she tells me about all her adventures with the apparently "gifted" Jasper-military precision isn't his only talent apparently!

"It's time you let Edward see you in a different light. As a strong young woman who not only wants him as much as he wants her, but who has the ability to seduce even the most uptight, repressed virgin vampire known to man."

My eyes rolled with that last remark. "Me? Seduce? I"m the one wearing Charlie's tube socks-remember?"

She winked at me. "You also are the one with Alice on your side." She closed her eyes for a couple minutes, and then abruptly opened them with an impish grin. "It's set in motion. Stick with me, Bells, and you will single handedly seduce my ice cube of a brother come Prom Night-two weeks from tonight." She smugly nodded her head.

I raised an eyebrow. "Prom Night? Edward and I aren't going to Prom."

Alice glared at me. "You are if I say you are. And you are now. It's crucial to the scheme."

I started whinely reflexively. "I hate Prom, Alice, you know th--"

Alice cut me off abruptly. "Listen, what do you hate more-prom or not getting laid?"

With that I collapsed on her with laughter. We were laughing so hard, we didn't even it see it coming-when we both rolled off the bed together and fell with a big thud on the ground. It didn't stop us from laughing-we only started howling on top of it.

Within an instant of us falling though, Edward was outside the door knocking. "Bella, love, are you okay?"

Alice rolled her eyes dramatically. "He probably thinks you fell off your pedestal." She raised an eyebrow and said, "He has no idea how far his angel is going to fall in the next two weeks!" She was starting to scare me with all this seduction talk...

"Let me get our plan in motion with Edward. He can't have any idea what we are really up to." She jumped off the bed, paused one more time and slowly turned around. " Oh-and this deadbeat, nonaction slumber party you are having with Edward? Cancelled. 12 year old girls get more action playing spin the bottle at slumber parties than you two are getting with this collassal bed!"I scowled at her but she just threw me a kiss.

'Instead, you will be automatically registered with Alice's "All Night Sensual Seduction Boot Camp"-located one story down. You have five minutes to get down there or else it's 40 pushups!'

"What's the price of admission?" I played along.

"One pair of ugly Dad tube socks that are need of a major bleach cycle."

She winked at me and glided out the door to meet Edward.

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**EPOV**

I paced back and forth at the bottom of our staricase, hoping Alice could make things better. She usually could-Bella and her had grown very close over the last six months in particular. Bella's always wanted a sister, and nothing made me happier than seeing her gravitate towards my most favorite sibling of all.

But I wasn't sure Alice The Great could fix this mess. I felt sick inside when I thought what went down just a half an hour earlier. I told her several times how much I wanted her, that it was just the wrong time. But her face told me she thought otherwise-that I didn't want her enough. IF she had any clue.

I try to only let her see the "17 Year Old Virgin Edward," the "Good Son of Esme and Carlisle Edward," the "1917 Young Gentlemenly Edward." Because those are the only Edwards worthy of my sweet Bella. Bella, who's lips have never kissed any other lips than mine, who casually bounces on my lap while wondering why my eyes are rolling to the back of my head("No, Bella, I'm fine-I just have something in my eye...yes, both eyes actually, isn't that a coincidence?"), and thinks my insistence of holding her books throughout the day at school is a sign of me being a gentlemen-not because I'm trying to hide the various pitched tents the girl gives me with the slightest touch in public.

I want to hold back as long as possible from introducing her to " 100-Year-Old-&-Horny-As-Hell Edward Who Wants to Jump Bella's Bones." Because once that dirty bastard is unleashed, I don't think he'll be going anywhere. Just as I protect Bella from my bloodlust for her, I protect her from my Bellalust as well.

Bella thinks she wants me in that way, but she's not ready. I know she's not. Her hormones might be, but not her mind and heart. Even tonight when she propositioned me, she could even say "make love." She asked me if I wanted to, "you know." I cracked up just thinking of her face at that moment, completely flushed, eyes turned downward, biting her pouty lower lip self consciously.

If she could just be patient and wait until she's truly ready and not worry what she sees everyone else doing on Cosmopolitan Covers and Gossip Girl and MTV. Damn that MTV! It's ruining these kids nowadays.

Just then, I heard a crash in my bedroom. I ran up to the door and asked Bella if she was okay. She undoubtedly slipped for the millionth time today. I told her to only wear socks with treading on the bottoms when she's on wooden floors. Note to self: buy Bella some new tractioned socks the next time I'm in Port Angeles.

Just then Alice stepped out and blocked me from entering my bedroom. She poked me hard in the chest, scowled at me profusely and growled, "You. In my bedroom. NOW."

That doesn't sound good...

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	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2: Bait and Switch**

**disclaimer: These aren't my characters, they are Stephenie Meyers. **

**The humans are humans, the vampires are vampires. But for comedic purposes, the vampires are a tad more humanized than in the series. **

**APOV**

Edward followed behind me quietly as we went to my room. His face was full of concern and anguish. I almost felt bad I was about to bait and switch him right now. Almost-but not quite!

"Listen Edward. Here's the deal. Bella intellectually understands why you rebuffed her in bed. But emotionally and intuitively, it's another story."

Edward completely deflated. "How can I make things right with her, Al? I tried to explain things to her a couple times, but it was so hard to concentrate. When she wears those soft, flannel pjs that reveal part of her collarbone, it just drives me nuts. I just had to leave the room quickly to keep in control..."his eyes turned almost trance like as he stared off into space wistfully. "Have you ever noticed that the Tigger patch on her pj top falls directly over her left areola?"

Oh lawd..."BREAST. BOOB. Hell, Edward, I'll even take titties over "areola!" Edward shook himself back to non-areola land with that cut." I swear Edward, why do I have a feeling you have an issue of "Amish Porn Monthly" tucked in between your matresses as we speak where the centerfold models hike up their pioneer dresses to reveal a little mid-calf for your oogling pleasure? Drooling over a little collarbone cleavage is positively kinky!"

Edward simply rolled his eyes. "You are a regular comedian Al. And for your information, Tigger doesn't fall over her entire breast-just the center area-thus my correct usage of "areola."' He said it almost indignantly.

I just blinked at him, too shocked to answer at first. How could this flannel loving geek be related to me? These two are definitely soulmates. Soulmates made in Dungeons and Dragons heaven. My lip was trembling,I so close to simply laughing in his face. But I'd be nice. Sorta. "So you like the pjs, huh? Are Charlie's socks a turn on for you too?"

Edward's posture suddenly turned into "I must protect my fair Bella" mode. Drama queen. "Her feet get cold easily on our wooden floors. I wouldn't want her getting chilled. And she looks adorable in those socks too by the way, now that you mention it." He lifted his chin defiantly towards my insinuations.

He's so hopeless. "That's the problem, Edward! She doesn't want to be adorable to you. Puppies and kittens are adorable! Not a grown young woman like Bella. And she's not going to die of consumption if you don't run to her side to pull some sock booties on her feet either. Sometimes you act more like her grandma than her lover!"

I had crossed the line there, and Edward was about to make a beeline for my door. I held onto his arm though and continued. "Unlike us Edward, Bella is growing up quickly right before our eyes. She's grown up so much just in the last year. And for some reason you are deadset against acknowledging that. She's not the same, little girl you met a year ago, emotionally-or physically."

Edward sighed and looked back at me, ready to listen again. "She's a young woman now who needs to feel reassured and supported by the love of her life. Can you be reassuring and loving Edward? Can you promise that for me?"

He looked at me as if I was a simpleton. "Oh, course Al. What kind of a question is that?"

A trick question that's going to trap you in ways you can't even imagine..."I have a plan to help our Bella feel more like a Swan than an ugly duckling. Are you game?"

"What's the plan?"

I looked back at him as innocently as I could. "It's simple where you are concerned. I'm going to need you to be extremely supportive and reassuring with some of her activities in the next couple weeks to help her self esteem. And I need you to take her to Prom at the end of the month. We'll triple date even. That's all."

Edward snorted. "Prom? Prom is your answer to Bella's self esteem issues? She hates Proms! Really, Alice, stop trying to model Bella's life solutions after "She's All That."

Sticking my tongue out at him I countered, "You wish you were as cute as Freddy Prinze Jr.."

"I honestly don't get your plan, Al."

Keeping with a doe eyed look, " It's simple really. Bella's gone through a growth spurt of sorts. You may not have noticed even since all she wears are very baggy clothes and grandpa pajamas around you. She's a little self conscious now with her body because of some of those changes." I'm a genius-that just plopped into my head without any effort.

"She is, Al? She hasn't said anything to me about it."

'Edward, keep up with me, can you? Why would she talk to you of all people about her body image insecurities? The one person she wants to do things with that doesn't involve clothes? You don't go to your boyfriend to say, "hey, I just grew some hips and I feel a little bloated right now." Of course she talks to me though as a girl. And she is feeling very uncomfortable with her new body because it's a little different looking than her previous shape.And she's worried you might not be attracted to those new changes.' Another effortless masterpiece-I'm so good at this lying thing, it's pathological.

"She doesn't look any different to me," his eyebrows furrowed in a confused state. Then, all a bit too slowly, his eyes grew as wide as saucers. "Does she think I was rejecting her in bed earlier because of her...uh...changes?" That took him long enough to connect the dots!

I gave him a very solemn, accusing look and nodded gravely. "YES, Edward, that's EXACTLY what she thought. She took your rejection as a rejection of her new shape and slight weight gain." A slight smile cracked with those last two words-Bella and Weight Gain have never met eachother. To make up for the slip, I hit him on the shoulder and then shook my head slowly.

"I have to talk to her-" he was about to bolt out my door again when I grabbed him.

"Edward, I've talked to her already. I've pleaded your side. She calmed down and is trying to understand.You'll ony upset her more if you bring it up again. She understands but is just feeling vulnerable right now. That's where my plan comes in dear brother." He listened intently for my next words.

"I'm going to give you the chance to make it up in spades to her in the next couple weeks. All I need from you is to(and I got very specific here, holding up the right number of fingers for each new point):

1) Support every activity she engages in to help her with her self esteem,

2) Reassure her everytime that she looks beautiful, AND-

3) Allow her to shine without any input from you other than praise.

I'm going to help her find some clothes that she can feel more...comfortable in with her new body. And I'm just going to try to help her feel more confident with how she carries herself in general. After all that hardwork she'll be doing, she can enjoy her newfound confidence at the Prom for all of us, especially you, to see. She NEEDS this support from us very badly Edward. Do you understand?"

"YES! I'll do exactly like you said. Anything for her." His eyes looked so innocently at me. Edward is usually the most cynical guy you can meet-but when it comes to Bella, it's like taking candy from a baby.

"And Edward, that means that you support and reassure her NO MATTER what you really think. Don't let Overprotective, Judgemental Grandpa Edward come out and scold her or reprimand her, you got it? She's so fragile right now, Edward. She couldn't take that-not after...what YOU did tonight." I pointed really dramatically his way with that "YOU"-and he looked completely crushed. Below the belt I know, but Grandpa Edward seriously needs to go on vacay for the next two weeks. Horndog Edward can't come out to play with Grandpa Edward hovering around like a school marm.

"I promise Alice, I'll be on my best behavior the whole time-nothing but compliments and reassurance. I owe her that much." He nodded like a little puppy.

"And one more thing Edward-Bella needs her and my activities and thoughts blocked off from your mind reading for the next two weeks. So, ixnay on reading my mind or anyone else's mind in the house while this "rehabilation" is going on-she needs a safe place to find herself right now, without feeling self conscious that you are listening in. If you knew how fragile she was-"

"Fragile, I get it. Sure thing, Alice. You did it again, sis. I don't know what I'd do without you." As he hugged me I thought, without me you probably would still have your virginity intact in a couple weeks!

"Now, Edward, go and enjoy your evening with Jasper and Emmett. I'm going to have some girl time with our little Bella this weekend. I'm taking her right now for a couple nights to La Costa Spa Resort to just relax and have some girl time.I'll have her back for you to take to school on Monday ." La Costa is as sweet as it gets-and Lord knows I'll need a team of professionals at my beckoned call to wax and pluck and style Bella out of her Tiggerfied stupor.

Edward was about to object--" Aw, Al, that's no fair! Can't you guys bond here at the house instead? Charlie's just left this morning, and you are going to steal her away from me for two nights?" In a surprise turn of events, Charlie was now "reacquainting" himself with Renee after her nasty breakup with Phil. She still refuses to leave Arizona, but a nice little benefit for their rekindling romance is that Charlie finally took his vacation time after all these years and is spending a week in Phoenix. Bella was given permission to stay with us so she wouldn't be alone in the house. In my bedroom of course. Wink Wink.

"Edward, believe it or not, this isn't about you right now. This is about Bella needing some female bonding time-something she gets very little of since you two are connected at the hip 24/7 and her mother lives far away. Don't forget your promise-to support and reassure without ANY complaints or criticism."

He moped but gave in. "Alright, but tell her to keep her cell phone on-if I can't see her tonight or tomorrow, I want to at least be able to text her. Tell her I love her.Oh-and Alice-I know you have strong ideas about what Bella SHOULD like for herself. But please try to keep in mind what Bella herself would like too, okay?"

I winked and said sure thing. That was sorta sweet what he said at the end. And he made a good point. I will try not to be my usual control freak self with Bella's sex vixen makeover-I'll let her have a hand in it.

As he walked out after giving me that little crooked smile of his, I just shook my head with sympathy. The big lug doesn't even know what is about to hit him.

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**Okay, the that's all the necessary exposition stuff for the story-the next chapters will let the seduction process begin!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3: Dirty Eddie's Apple Pie**

**The humans are human, the vampires vampires. But I humanize the vampires to a large degree for comedic effect.**

**Thanks for all the reviews-you guys are a bunch of peaches!:)**

**BPOV:**

As Alice and I were escaping in her Yellow Porsche for our jaunt to La Costa, Rosalie waved us down with a suitcase. Rosalie and I finally found a way to get along-by seeing which one of us can outhag eachother.

"Hey, where do you guys think you are going without me? I'm not getting stuck with the guys while you two are off getting pampered." She leaned right in front of my face and said, " You are sitting in my seat, btch."

I didn't move an inch. "No-this is my weekend. You can get in the backseat and if you are lucky, I won't lean the seat back and crush your legs." She smiled, winked at me, and then proceeded to get in back. Rosalie's a bit of a sick puppy, but at least we found a way to get along.

Alice started giving us the details. "If you guys could have only seen how I had Edward eating out of the palm of my hand. It was completely heartbreaking!" She told us that she gave him a huge line that I went through a "growth spurt," and I was sensitive that he was not attracted to my new body now after he rebuffed by advances. 'Wearing all your oversized clothes came in handy for me Bella! And the best part is that I got him to promise that for the next two weeks while we work on Bella's "body image issues," he will not say one judgemental or negative thing in our direction. In other words, Bells, you could give him a topless lap dance in the family room in front of Carlisle and Esme and all he's allowed to say is, "Bella that's wonderful! Good for you!"' 'We all started busting out in laughter. Alice was positively ruthless.

In no time we were at La Costa and checking in. Alice was in all her glory as she rattled off to the concierge what she wanted for her seduction boot camp." And we have all the appointments set for tomorrow with the spa services as well?"

"Yes, Ms. Cullen. Everything is arranged as you asked."

"Great, Jeremy-I have just one more request-do you think you could get your hands on a portable stripper pole?"

Jeremy was slightly thrown for a loop with that request, but Alice didn't give him room to say no. "Thank you Jeremy-you are a life saver!," was all she said while she slipped him some major cash all sneaky. The Cullens were so rich, money was useless to them. I hardly allowed them to indulge me, but this weekend was an exception, because I'm betting on Alice. Both me and my hormones.

"Alice, come over here!" I whispered to her. She sauntered over, already knowing what will come out of my mouth. "I don't do stripper poles! Lord knows where Jeremy will find one-we'd have to douse it with Clorox for hours!" She just smiled and answered, "Oh, you know you want to give the pole a little whirl!" Without missing a beat she was back talking Jeremy's ear off again with all her plans and schemes.

Rosalie just rolled her eyes and asked where the bar was. "Come on Bella, let's stiff the yapping midget and find some liquor." Hanging out with Rosalie and Alice at the same time was like finding the perfect blend of sweet and sour-they were like a vampire version of Panda Express Orange Chicken.

We got to our obscenely luxurious suite and it was amazing. After we all jumped into the resort bathrobes and collapsed in the sitting room area, Alice started getting all four star general with us. "Now, Bella we are really short on time tonight and I have alot I want to get finished before tomorrow."

"What's happening tomorrow Alice?"

"It's going to be your "Pretty Woman" day, where we scrub the hooker right out of you and turn you into a princess!" Rosalie snorted out loud and chimed in, "Wait, I thought we were trying to scrub some hooker into her, not out of her!"

Alice tried to make a scolding face in Rosalie's direction, but failed miserably as she stifled giggles. "Before we start though, Bella, I want to give you a little gift that can serve as your secret weapon and talisman throughout this whole journey." Alice handed me a box.

"Alice, like you haven't done enough..." I scowled as I unwrapped the gift. Inside there was a CD entitled "" 80's Big Hair Metal Sex Power Hits." I tried not cringe as I looked at the list on songs. "Cherry Pie" by Warrant. "Unskinny Bop" by Poison. "Seventeen" by Warrant. These types of bands were single handedly responsible for causing a hole in the ozone layer with their avid areosol hair spray abuse two decades earlier. "Um...thanks?"I said questionably.

"Wait, wait, wait! There's a story here!" She was so excited by what she was about to relay, she began to wave her arms excitedly."Okay, quiz time...How big of a music snob is Edward?"

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "He's the biggest snob ever."

Alice laughed. "Yeah, he is, normally. And what the type of song did he composed for Bella?"

Rosalie rolled her eyes again. "A lullaby. He's seriously kinda weird, huh?" I shot Rosalie a mean look.

Alice continued. "So...who would ever imagine that on Edward's iPod under a "Bella" playlist, Bella's sweet lullaby is accompanied by "Sweet Cherry"--and every other dirty, filthy hair metal nudie bar song from the 80s?"

Both Rosalie and I looked at her with confused expressions.

Alice pointed at Rosalie and said, "You take this to your grave with you and don't you dare tell Emmett. But you know how after he spends the night lying with Bella and he comes back in the early morning, and runs straight to his room and locks it and blasts classical music?"

Rosalie nodded. I tried to keep up with the conversation.

Alice leaned in dramatically. "WELL, I sort of picked up on what he was really doing several times-UNFORTUNATELY. And behind those closed doors, Edward listens to "Big Hair 80's Sex Power Hits" under his "Bella" playlist on his iPod, and..."pleasures" himself to the songs while whimpering Bella's name." Alice let out a mouthed "ew" face in Rosalies' direction and then giggled pointing at me.

Rosalie looked like she was about to throw up. "Oh Lord, Alice-too much information! too much information! He is so never driving my car again unless he's wearing gloves!"

She took the CD from my hand and scanned the lyrics to Cherry Pie and started howling. " Tastes so good makes a grown man cry, Sweet cherry pie!" She was laughing so hard, she couldn't breathe.

I just sat there, not sure what to think..."But why to such bad music?" I was so confused!

Alice explained. "Because Bella they have grinding beats, heavy bass, and dirty lyrics. They are all about dirty sex. Edward may act like a Grandpa to your face, but behind closed doors Dirty Eddie fantasizes about having dirty, dirty sex with you!" Rosalie had finally recovered from her laughter fit, but Alice's words just made her roll over again. I just looked at her, still somewhat perplexed.

"Do you see what I'm getting at? You worrying that Edward doesn't want you is ludricrous. He wants to do dirty, dirty things to you. You are driving the poor boy crazy every night just lying by him. And that's in your horrid sleepwear choices! Do you see how a few changes will tip the scale in your favor?"

"Now here is a part of my plan. I'm going to tell Edward that I signed you up for some different classes to help with your coordination and poise problems"--as the words came out Rosalie let out a snort--"and you know he'll support that in a minute since he's always walking around with that damn first aid kit everywhere waiting for your next fall." Yet another snort came out of Rosalie."He'll imagine I'm taking you to some sort of charm school with a bunch of 6 year old girls who have similar gross and fine motor skills problems like you Bells."

"Nice Alice. You make it sound like I can't even write my name without using one of those dumb kid fat pencils with a super grip!" I crossed my arms defensively.

Alice rolled her eyes at my drama. "ANYWAYS, I'm going to be like-hey Edward, I want Bella to share with you every night whatever she's learned before she goes to bed with you. And this is your chance to make it up to her and praise her thoroughly.WHAT he DOESN'T know, is ths show and tell Bella will be giving him will come from such instruction as lap dancing, masseuse school, nudie bar dancing!" My eyes grew wide-Alice was going to be the death of me, if my hormones didn't get to me first.

"Can you imagine when Bella walks into the door in some hot nightie we get her"-Alice looked in my direction--"we are burning all your old nightwear--casually puts on 'Cherry Pie' and says, 'Okay, Edward, ready for what I learned in lap dancing class?' Edward is going to freaking bust a gasket!" Rosalie high fived Alice triumphantly.

Alice finished up her smug plan, "And the best part Bella is you are going to do all these amazing things to him, turn off the music after you gotten him into a lather, kiss him chastely goodnight, and say you feel sleepy. Do you know how lying next to you after that is going to affect him? You will be putting him in the position to be begging for you by the end of the week!"

"Wait, wait, wait," I countered. "Great plan-except for one thing. I don't dance, Alice."

Alice grinned mischievously and answered, "By the time we check out of this spa, you wil know how to dance well enough to make Edward go wild." On cue, the hotel door busted open and Jeremy was personally pushing in none other than a portable stripper pole platform while Alice turned on the DVD player in time for me to see "Carmen Elecktra's Stripping and Pole Dancing Basics"flash on the screen. Jeremy gave us a too-interested smile, but retreated from the room just as quickly as he came.

I stared at the pole, and then stared at Alice and Rosalie. Alice suddenly had some high heels in her hand, undoubtedly for me. "I"m sorry, but I gotta put my foot down

on this. I'm not going to learn how to dance like a stripper. That's just-wrong. In fact, the whole scheme seems wrong on some level in terms of the high level of manipulation going on..." I did mean that intellectually. But on a deeper level I just wanted to try to get out of all this crap that Alice was cooking up.

Rosalie and Alice gave eachother knowing looks-as if they anticipated my resistance. Alice mumbled under her breath, "I told you she'd do that." Rosalie nodded and they both stared at me without blinking for a couple minutes.

Rosalie cut the silence first. "Hey, Alice, did you hear about the phone call Esme got today?"

Alice casually plopped her legs up on the couch. "Yeah, Rosalie, I did."

Rosalie added, "Did you hear that not only Tanya but four of her beautiful sisters are planning to stop in for a little visit as they make their way to Portland in just a few short days?"

Alice shurgged disinterestedly and looked an her nails. "Yeah,I did heard hat, Rosalie. Do you think she still has the hots for Edward, Rosalie?"

Rosalie laughed. "Of course she does, she's a total skank that way."

Tanya. Some beautiful but threatening figment of my imagination was about to materialize in person. In Edward's home. On my territory. I had two options-cry myself to sleep with a tub of Ben and Jerry's in my hand. Tempting, but that wasn't going to get me to my goal in two weeks. Or else I could man up for once and try to act like I actually deserved Edward and hold my own against this Tanya who's been interested in my man for Lord knows how long now. Bet on Alice, I kept saying, bet on Alice and be richly rewarded!

I sighed, stood up, and threw out my hands. "Give me the damn heels, Alice. Now tell Carmen Elecktra to show me the best moves possible. Cause I've got a vampire skank to take down in a couple days. Bitch is gonna recognize my mad pole skills!"

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**JasperPOV**

_**While the girls had their way of getting Bella ready for the battle of the sexes, the boys had their own way too.**_

Emmett and I were trying to keep Edward entertained somewhat. I promised Alice I would do my best to keep him busy while she and Bella were gone. But Edward was inconsolable. We finally cornered him in his bedroom. "You want to go the park and find something to hunt, Edward?"

Edward shook his head. "Naw, I'm okay right now." He let out a slow sigh as he stared down at the floorboards, making a pattern on them with his foot.

Emmett tried to comfort him as well. "You wanna go play baseball?"

He shook my head againg. "No, I think I"m okay."

I tried my last resort activity: "Wanna go 4x4-ing in Emmett's jeep?" He didn't even answer that time.

Emmett sank his head to the side. "You want a hug? Or maybe since you are missing Bella I can fall down a flight of stairs and you can swoop me up in your big manly arms and tell me how adorable I am."

Edward couldn't help but let a smirk out. "I'm sorry I'm being so quiet tonight. I know Alice put you in charge of me to keep me entertained. I'm just distracted right now being away from Bella when I imagined we'd be spending the weekend together. I can believe how hard it is."

Emmett chimed in, "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

Edward and I both rolled our eyes-Emmett says that damn phrase all day long it seems. "Okay, Edward, I'm not taking no for an answer. The girls are gone until Monday, we were planning on a hunting party next week anyways. Let's go get us some Grizzly and Mountain Lions gentlemen. You guys game? If the girls can have a girls' weekend out, we can too." Emmett agreed, and Edward decided it would keep him distracted better than hanging out in his bedroom thinking about Bella.

Edward was sitting on something on his bed and he pulled it out from underneath him -it looked to be a pajama top, probably Bella's. He began to touch it softly where the animal character patch was. He began to rub it in circles curiously, first slowly, then more quickly. His breathing got heavier too. It looked like he was mouthing something like "ariel? ariella? ariel-ola?" too. I'm not sure. Maybe it's Latin or something. But how sweet I thought. He must miss Bella and is touching her clothing thinking of her and he's breathing heavy because he's about to cry tearlessly like he does sometimes over Bella. He's such a innocent, sensitive boy still.

Edward looked up at us and finally answered breathlessly, "That's fine, let's go. But if you guys could just give me a minute to myself right now, I'll be out in a few okay."

Edward was practically pushing us out of his bedroom with one hand while his other hand gripped tightly to that pj top. He closed the door quickly and classical music began to blast from his room within an instant.

Emmett just shrugged his shoulders. "I think he wanted us out because he was about to cry over Bella. He put the music on really loud so we wouldn't hear him. He's such a sweet kid." I nodded in agreement.

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	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4: Bella's A Certified Banger p. 1**

**disclaimer-not my characters, they are Stephenie Meyers.**

**The humans are human, the vampires are vampires. But I humanize the vampires to a large degree for comedic effect.**

**Thanks for the reviews-I love to get feedback!**

**APOV:**

I had to wake up Bella for our first in a series of "treatments"--aka Bella getting plucked and waxed something awful. So, I bounced on her bed while making a quick call to Jasper. She didn't even move though. He picked up but his reception was fuzzy. Where was he?

"Aw, Ali, we are somewhere past Goat Rocks Wilderness. We decided to go early on our hunting party. Edward's doing a lot better now that he is preoccupied. He was a wreck in the house, holding onto Bella's pj tops and blaring his Mozart in his room again. He's mortified he hurt Bella like that yesterday. But the fresh air has done him good."

I cringed with the Mozart and pj combination. Edward's such an undercover perv. Well, not a perv-he's just a sexual being. Something we tended to forget in our family where after 75 years or so we just started assuming he was like a vampire version of a genital-ly vacant Ken Doll. Being the only non-coupled sibling rendered him the "baby" in our family in some ways, where Emmett and Jasper would coddle him and his sisters would boss him around. At the same time, he was also seen as our big brother, because his intelligence and discipline so closely resembled Carlisle. Edward had the unique situation of giving us advice while simultaneously being called "Squirt." Being the sexless golden child of our family has probably been a bit of curse-where it's made him overly cautious and studied in terms of his behavior around us siblings.He prefers us to think of him as Carlisle 2.0--than the 107 year old virgin.

"Tell him to lighten up already-Bella's having a ball, and he should too."

"Hey, Edward wanted me to tell you to tell Bella he's texted her a million times and for her to text him back. Love you Ali."

"Love you too. Miss you! And hey, Jas-do you think you can sorta help prep Edward a little bit for Bella coming back with a little more umph and sex appeal? He scares me sometimes the way he's gotten so comfortable acting like her personal nurse-slash-bodyguard instead of her boyfriend. I don't want his first response to her new look to be to try to cover her up with a burka."

Jasper started cracking up. "Do I need to give my boy Edward the father-son talk tonight by the camp fire?"

"Yes! Jasper-let him know he doesn't have to be Carlisle 2.0 all the time in front of us and Bella. Let him know it's okay to be a regular 17 year old guy when he feels that way. Talk to you soon."

Rosalie wandered in at this point as I was getting Bella's phone to hand to her. Rosalie ripped it out of my hand as Bella was slowly awakening. "Dearest Bella," Rosalie read from the phone screen, "if you could only know how dark my sky is right now without you, my beautiful shining meteor-I wish you were blazing through my sky with your brilliant burning fire."Rosalie and I hooted as Bella ripped it from her hands.

"Be nice you guys, I like his messages."

15 minutes later, Bella was STILL reading the obsessive amount of texts he had left her overnight. She was nice enough to read the last one to us. "My sweetest, loveliest Bella-I'm looking at a star that reminds me of you. It's softly luminous and warm, I wish I could reach out and touch it like I wish I could reach out and touch you right now."

Rosalie's eyes widened. "This kid is a Freudian dream! He wants to touch your warm star!"

I jabbed Rosalie because Bella was blushing.She can be such an Emmett sometimes, I need her to get lost for a good 6 hours today before she mortifies Bella back into her shell.

But I did want Bella to see this as an opportunity to start her seductive ways. "Bella, one thing I want you to come away with after this weekend is that you can look at every gesture, expression, and action as a part of the seduction. This is your first communication with Edward and I am challenging you to write him the most provocative text possible right now. I want you to make Rosalie and me drop our jaws in awe with whatever your clever mind comes up with. And if it's impressive enough, I will make sure that Contessa the wax specialist takes extra care with your girlie parts today when you get the Brazilian."

**BPOV**

Wow, there's nothing like the reward of not being completely in pain from your first wax job to motivate a girl like me. Let me think, let me think...what could I write that would make Rosalie drop her jaw...it would have to be something completely crass to make that happen, but I knew I had it in me...

I wrote something down very quickly, sent it before they could look, and then proudly displayed it to them. "Read it and weep ladies."

**"My Dearest Edward,**

**I miss you so much. The resort is a amazing and the food is SO good! I had a hot piece of cherry pie last night. It was so sweet and warm and sticky in my mouth. Mmmm... I wish I could give you a bite of it right now. My cherry pie is BETTER than anything you are eating out in the woods on your hunting party-that's for sure!**

**Your angel,**

**Bella**

Rosalie and Alice eyes popped out of their heads in addition to having their jaws drop. They couldn't even say anything for a good half minute. And then Alice quietly muttered, "Bella, Edward was right-you ARE the most dangerous creature he's ever met."

A short while later Alice and I were heading out for my first appointment-Rosalie was going out on her own for a couple hours. Honestly, it's a good thing too, because Rosalie turns everything into a dirty joke. I needed a break.

"Okay, before we head out Bella, I need to consult with you about something first." Did she just say consult? Cause I never even thought it was a part of her vocabulary to be honest. I sat by her as she was on her lap top.

"So, Edward said something very sweet before we left-he reminded me that while I may think I know what's best for you, I need to figure out what YOU think is best for you. Now look at some of these pictures on the monitor and tell me which ones strike you as something you'd like to incorporate into your own look." There were dozens of pictures of various style and movie and beauty icons staring out at me from the screen. All of them were beautiful, but it was a beauty that didn't exactly speak to me.

"Which one would you choose for me Alice?" Alice's eyes brightened, and then she clicked on a picture of Angelina Jolie sprawled out very sexy on a chaise lounge**(picture in my profile)**.

"If I were you, I would definitely channel Angelina Jolie!" Alice exclaimed.

I smiled, "Well, if it was as easy as clicking a picture, I'd channel her too, Alice. But that's not me." I then noticed a picture on the screen that had a resemblance. It was of a young girl with dark hair, in a pretty floral dress, with one sleeve threatening to slide down her shoulder. She had a milky complexion, same shade and length of hair as mine-similarly full lips and sloped brown eyes. She wasn't looking at the camera like a lioness about to pounce, like Angelina. She was looking at the camera wide eyed and seemingly innocent. And yet, there was a slight raising of the eyebrow that sparked an undercurrent of knowing allure. I laughed and mumbled, "And the Lion fell in love with the lamb."**(picture in my profile)**

"What, Bella?" Alice inquired.

I just laughed. "Nothing really Alice. But once Edward said that the lion-him- fell in love with the lamb. Me. But I once said that my lamb has the heart of a lion and and he has the heart of a lamb. And that girl right there, "I pointed to her," She looks like a lamb, with an undertone of a lioness. Where Angelina is a straight man eating tiger! Who is she?" Alice looked at me and grinned.

"Bella, that's a young Brigitte Bardot in the 50's, before she became a blonde bombshell. This is during her ingenue era, where she had a unique mix of innocence and unconscious sexuality. See how she looks innocently at the camera-all the while her cap sleeve is about to fall down suggestively?" I nodded with a slight smile.

"Wow, Bella, the more I look at the picture, the more I realize-you resemble eachother! Down to the wide eyed, pouty lipped side ways glance. Do you like that sort of style Bells? Like a retro, french coquette look? That would look unreal on you Bella-I can just see you now with that careless sex hair, hoop earrings, a pencil skirt with a wide belt, and a form fitting peasant top with the cap sleeve falling off all the time. Between the hair and the falling sleeve, Edward's hands would be busy the whole time touching you! And you would stilll be Bella-just Bella to the tenth power!" When Alice gets a theme to stick to, the girl goes wild.

"Yeah, Alice, that look strikes me. I'm in on the ingenue Bardot look."

Alice was beaming. "Bella, You picked much better for yourself than I did for you. And after telling me about the lion/lamb reference Edward made, I think this look will affect him most of all!" After she quickly printed up a couple composites of a young Bardot, we were out the door. Bella Bardot-it's got a ring to it.

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**EPOV**

**(I know that technically the vampires probably only suck on blood, but I'm making them eat the flesh for comedic effect..lol)**

We were all sitting around the Grizzly, our version of a an all you can eat buffet. We had drifted from frenzied blood sucking, to noshing leisurely while talking and joking. Emmett offered me some chest meat but I refused.

"No thanks, Emmett. I only like dark meat."

"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" Emmett clapped his hands and said mostly to himself, "It never gets old..."

Jasper smirked and then looked over my way with a wry smile. "Soooo...Edward." He walked over to me and put a fatherly arm around my shoulder. "Alice thinks I need to have "THE TALK" with you on this trip. So, I just wanted to let you know. When a man loves a woman..."

I pushed Jasper off me playfully. " I swear, you guys act more like my parents than Esme and Carlisle do! A bunch of mother hens."

I reached for my cellphone-Bella finally answered. As I flipped open the phone, Emmett said, "Tell us what your sweet Bella had to say." I nodded.

"Dear Edward, I miss you so much."

Emmett sighed. "Why can't Rosalie be sweet like that? All she'll text to me is something like "what's up ahole?" He shook his head slowly.

I smiled sympathetically. Bella was so warm and sweet. "The resort is amazing. and the food is SO good!"

Emmett sighed louder. "Bella appreciates everything too. I bet when Rosalie comes back she'll say the resort sucked and that the poolboys weren't up to her hotness standards or something." He shook his head more slowly.

"I had a hot piece of cherry pie last night. It was so sweet and warm and sticky in my..." I paused for a moment. Lord, I needed my textbooks and binder at that very minute.

Jasper and Emmett both darted looks at one another. Jasper casually asked, "What else did she say Edward?"

I hesitantly continued, thinking, I was the only one with a dirty mind. "It, it was so sweet and warm and sticky in my mouth...Mmmmm...I...I...I... wish I could give you a...a...a...bite of it right now. My...My...cherry pie is BETTER than anything you are eating out in the woods...onyourhuntingpartythat'sforsureyourangelBella."

I had to hurry the words out fast before I totally lost it. Gawd, I have a horrible mind. Poor Bella. Poor sweet Bella has such a dirty minded boyfriend. Gawd, and what am I going to do now in the woods, with no bedroom or Mozart to blast!!!

**JPOV**

Wow, I could really use Edward's school binder right now. That was totally filthy but amazing. Who knew she had it in her?

**Emmet'sPOV**

Wow, I could really use Edward's school binder right now. Why can't Rosalie talk dirty to me like that? No fair-Edward gets a sweet AND dirty girl. I mean, even in the throes of passion, the only talk I get from her is, "Emmett hurry it up. And don't touch my hair-I just styled it."

**EPOV**

"So, yeah guys, I'm going to go take a little walk. I'll be back in awhile."

Emmett and Jasper both jumped up and walked in opposite directions mumbling they were going to go on walks themselves. They look a little uncomfortable--maybe they feel bad their girls haven't texted them yet. I need to be careful not to flaunt my awesome relationship in their face again...

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	5. Birds and BeesAccording to Emmett

**Chapter 5: The Birds and The Bees--According To Emmett**

**quick note: some people have rightly asked why Jasper isn't picking up on Edward's horny disposition-my only flimsy defense is that Edward's overriding emotion at all times is shame and guilt, because he feels he's being improper since he still sees Bella as an innocent. **

**quick note 2: This is just a quickie chapter-the bella side of the chapter will be up tomorrow with her makeover day.**

**Thanks for the reviews! Thy are very fun to read!**

**EmmetPOV:**

I walked back to the camp once my head cleared a little bit. Jasper was already there, but Edward was no where to be found. Good.

"Jasper, I need to talk to you about something."

"Yeah, Emmett?"

"That text that Bella wrote?"

"Yeah...Wow," Jasper muttered.

"Yeah, wow..."my voice trailed off for a second while my eyes glazed over... but NO! This is about Edward. "but...Jasper- I'm worried about Edward."

Jasper smirked. "Oh, I'm not worried at all. I think Edward made out like a bandit with Bella-I'm starting to get his thing for human chicks now."

Sigh. I swear sometimes Jasper is such an undercover perv -don't let his "soulful" eyes and quiet demeanor fool you. "Keep up with me, Jasper. Yesterday, Edward flew out of his bedroom like a bat outta hell when Bella busted a move on him. Bella texts him a dirty message, and he flies like a bat outta hell into the woods."

"Well, technically, Bella's text message sent all of us flying like bats outta hell into the woods..." Jasper mused.

Deep in the forest, miles away. we could hear a muffled howling, repeated by smaller yet equally odd sounding yelps. It was Edward. I pointed in the direction of the howl. "He's in alot of pain, Jasper. I think he doesn't know how to proceed with the s-e-x-u-a-l component of their relationship."

Jasper cringed as the muffled howl continued. "It sounds like he's **choking a chicken** and a wolf at the same time-what the hell kind of cry is that?"

"A cry of pain and confusion, I tell you!"

Jasper meditated for a moment. " I have been sensing alot of conflict in him lately...guilt, shame..."

"Dude, He's feeling guilty cause he doesn't know how to respond back to Bella's needs. We need to help our bro not be scared about s-e-x. BUT-in a way that won't embarrass him. He's feeilng ashamed enough as it is, Jasper. Poor kid."

"So what are you thinking? And why do you keep only spelling out sex?"

I rolled my eyes. "Because Edward and s-e-x used in the same sentence together still feels weird for me. Just follow my lead Jas when he comes back, okay?"

**EPOV**

I meekly walked back to camp and my brothers were hanging out laughing together as usual. They welcomed me back and then sat by my side.

"So, how was your walk?" Emmett asked almost too cheerfully. I'd try to read his mind if it wasn't for that blasted Alice who put a moritorium on my mind reading efforts for the whole family for two weeks.

"Good." I coughed uncomfortably.

"Hey, Jasper. You are a smart guy, I was wondering if I could ask your advice on something."

"Shoot."

Emmett continued slowly, as if he was reading the words off a script or something. "So, anyways, I have this friend. Um, Joe. And Joe really likes this girl alot, but Joe's never had s-e-x before."

I looked at Jasper, and his eyes were closed as he shook his head.

"Anyways, Jasper-I think Joe would really LIKE s-e-x, but I think the very thought of s-e-x makes him uncomfortable. And I'm wondering, how could I explain to him that s-e-x can be an enjoyable and natural thing when a man loves a wo-"

Jasper cut him off. "Uh, I got it Emmett. Well, I would tell uh, "Joe," that as long as a man loves a woman, and the woman loves him back, they can explore together how to manifest that love in physical ways."

Oh Lord. These two are the worst actors in the world.It's like watching a low budget public service announcement for safe sex or something. Maybe if I act like I'm clueless it will all end sooner than later...I'll just look ahead with a blank face, there...

Emmett shot me a glance and continued."That's a great point Jasper, exploring together. And I thought I'd mention this to E-uh-Joe too." He picked up a branch off the ground and quickly drew two stick figures in the dirt below us. One was a male-depicted with a frighteningly huge member; and the other was female with two huge circles on her chest area.

Jasper laughed out loud and asked innocently, "Why does that boy stick figure have an elephant trunk at his waist Emmett? Is Joe the Elephant Man or something?" I tried not to crack up, but my lip was quivering.

Emmett shot him a death stare. "Okay, back to Joe. Jasper, what do you think if I mentioned to Joe that when you love someone, your body lets you know with tingly sensations in certain places. And those sensations are are natural and how God intended." He began to make short, furious "tingle" lines around the male member and female groin and the female breasts. I was starting lose it--and Jasper already had. But Emmett forged on.

"And all those tingly sensations are doing is letting you and your woman know where to show "love" to eachother-see Edward?" Emmett's face was so proud of himself, I almost hated to break it to him.

"I do see Emmett, but I don't think "Joe" can." At that point Jasper fell on the ground laughing while Emmett realized his mistake. He laughed with me as he patted my back.

"Know I only do what I do cause I love you, bro." He put me in a loose chokehold hug.

"Do you have any questions, though Edward? I just don't want you to be scared of all these new things you are experiencing.Those tingles are all natural and normal, okay? No need to run up to your room and cry every time Bella makes you tingle." Jasper had finally gotten up from rolling but that last sentence sent him straight back on the ground in hysterics.

I tried to not laugh. "Um, Emmett, I"m not scared, honestly. I'm just...fustrated. I feel what I do, and would love to act on it, but she's very young still Emmett. And if we are going to be frank, I'm not crying in my room, I"m trying to...relieve the tension that Bella piles on me 24/7 in privacy. Away from my prying siblings who most likely would only torture me more if they knew I was relieving myself instead of crying."

Jasper and Emmett did a total Oprah "lightbulb" moment facially-their eyes both grew wide with understanding and smiles appeared. "Wow, how did we not catch on?"

I smiled. "Because I'm always going to be your little bro in your eyes. But if you could not share this with Rosalie or Alice I'd appreciate it. That would be awkward."

Emmett chimed in, "Oh, don't worry about Rosalie-she thinks you are as gay as a bluebird anyways since you never showed any interest in her."

I rolled my eyes. "But back on topic, I don't want to rush Bella into anything she's clearly not ready for yet, and that's why things are a little stressful right now."

Both Jasper and Emmett looked like I was from Mars. Jasper finally spoke what they were both thinking. "Uh, Edward, I think she's ready. I mean, after that text especially--you know..."

I looked suspiciously at them. "What about the text?"

"Edward, you understand what she was getting at in that text,right?"

My eyes narrowed. "She didn't mean it that way, it just came out wrong-or too right, depending on which way you want to look at it..."

Jasper wouldn't budge. "She meant it exactly the way she wrote it. She was trying to turn you on. And that's a GOOD thing Edward, cause that means you guys are more on the same page than you want to admit."

I let out a low growl, and kept shaking his head.

Jasper opened his phone, dialed, and then switched it on speakerphone while he continued to look at me. "Hey honey. Quick question. Did Bella have an actual piece cherry pie at the resort last night?"

Alice let out a huge laugh. "No! But if Edward's interested, maybe-"

Jasper interrupted her. "Hon, I'm on speakerphone. Say hi to your brothers."

Silence. "Um, Hi...short answer is no. But I do know she does honestly like fruit pies and uh... she ate some peaches last night if that's any consolation. What's better than taking a bite of a big tasty peach?"

"THAT'S WHAT HE SAID!" Rosalie could be heard yelling in the background. Emmett made an "aw" face and said, " Hi honey!"

"What's up, ahole?" Rosalie returned. Emmett's face fell slightly and he shook his head.

Jasper continued, "One more question hon. Did anyone else write that text? You or Rosalie?"

Alice paused. "Honestly no. We actually dropped our jaws when we saw what she wrote. Watch out for those quiet ones! Um, this is awkward though, so I'm hanging up before Bella comes out." click.

Jasper looked at me again as he closed his phone. "I told you."

I sat back stunned. Did she honestly do that on purpose? Part of me wanted to disapprove of the text. But a much bigger part of me was going crazy knowing she wrote those words with me in mind. How was I going to wait until Monday to see her again? What was so pressing that she would have to stay away yet another day from me?

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	6. Bella's a Certified Banger, p 2

**Chapter 6: Bella's a Certified Banger, p. 2**

**quick note: I wrote the makeover day in it's entirety but it's too long for a single chapter-so I had to divide it up. I'll have the last part of the makeover day up tomorrow. Then onto the B/E reunion-took long enough!lol**

**note 2: ps-if anyone can pm me how to make my links on my profile clickable, thanks. I"m lame.**

**Thanks for the reviews-you guys leave really funny comments.**

**BPOV**

There are two kinds of women in this world-the kind that were happy Virginal Sandy from "Grease" transformed into Slutty Sandy for Danny. And the other kind who found it nauseating that she changed herself for some guy. Alice is the former kind by default because she's never met a makeover she didn't like-I'm the latter kind. So, I couldn't help but feel the sweet irony that I was spending a whole day getting prodded and poked and waxed--all for some guy. I was like Extreme Makeover Slutty Sandy.

My pride was getting the better of me as I realized with each new appointment(so far, I had been waxed, facialized, eyebrow plucked and seaweed wrapped) the reality of what I was doing. I was doing all of this so that Edward could maybe find me attractive enough to want me. It was a horrifying realization, and tears began to threaten to spill over onto my cheek at any moment.

"Bella, what's wrong," Alice asked frantically.

"Alice, I appreciate all that you are doing. I really do, but I"im feeling so pathetic right now. Like I"m knocking myself out, doing things I would never bother with, all so your brother will want me. It goes against everything I usually stand for, like what I am isn't good enough!" I had to stop talking so that I could compose myself enough to prevent any tear spillage.

"Bella, don't look at it like that! Can I be honest with you Bells?"

I let out a small laugh. "Actually, Alice, you are usually quite if not brutally honest. And I love you for that."

She smiled. "Bella, if you were a girl whose inside matched her outside, I wouldn't even try to do what I'm doing to you right now. But you aren't. Inside, you are this very witty and spirited and sexy girl who always has the quickest and funniest response in her head out of anyone in the whole room. We saw that today with that text to Edward! But on the outside, you physically hide all those wonderful traits about you. Everything you do with your physical appearance Bella is used like a fortress. Your hair serves as a barrier to your face. You wear clothes that function solely to hide your body. Your eyes are usually downcast, your posture is horrible. You even mumble alot in public. How can you act like these bad habits are somehow a core part of who you are?"

"Damn, Alice tell me what you really think!," I laughed.

She giggled, happy to see me smile. "Bella, the reality is you DON'T have an appearance that you have chosen wisely or thoughtfully. You chose all of THIS defensively. And I'm not going to apologize for the fact I'm trying to help you find a way to simply allow what's on the inside to be expressed on the outside as well. You can try to intellectualize this all you want, but all you are doing is rationalizing your self doubts right now." She sat back in her chair and crossed her arms smugly. She's good. Real good. I just winked at her, my way of letting her know she put me in my place.

Just then the hairstylist came in. Alice was quickly by her side letting her know what look we were going for. She held out the different Brigitte Bardot shots and then started prattling off. "We are really going for that a just-rolled-out-of-bed-sex siren style-long length, but with layers that give her some body and volume and movement. I want it to have that quality that the more you shake it, the better it looks."

Jeanne gave her an idea of how she was thinking about working with my hair, and Alice seemed happy with one exception. "But I want her to have some long layers for bangs, falling to about here," pointing mid-ear on me. " I want those layers to fall haplessly into her eyes, that way her boyfriend wants to reach out and brush it with his hands constantly."She winked at me." Touchability and sex-those are the key words, Jeanne!"

Jeanne set out on her task, as the makeup artist and Alice plotted next. Still taking cues off the Bardot shots, Alice emphasized that she wanted the makeup touchable and natural. Carmindy got to work on my makeup routine, and was sweet enough to explain the process step by step so I could be able to replicate it at home. She even gave me some free Crest Whitening Strips for my teeth**[If you don't watch "What Not To Wear," That last sentence won't be funny to you**. The end result was perfect for my tastes-a light foundation, some concealer in a couple places, a defined upper lid with black eyeliner, mascara after an eyelash curling, and pouty, coral-peach glossed lips.

"Bella, look what just a little bit of makeup can do-your eyes pop out and are positively doe eyed, and your lips are so kissable. Wow, you made me go gay there for like 2 seconds!" I pretended to keep my cool and nodded evenly as Alice clapped her hands like a four year old, but I was ecstatic. I didn't know I could look like THAT. It was me, but if me had a prettier twin sister. I didn't have too long to gloat though.

Jeanne came back, turned me away from the mirror, and got to work with finishing my hair. She had put a couple of extra large curlers on the top of my head for a couple minutes, and she was taking them off and shaking my hair this way and that. She teased it slightly at the crown, and then brushed it over-Jeanned explained that was her little salute to the Bardot pictures. And she finished up with a light spritz of hair spray, Alice's face was priceless-it would be equivalent to a football fan watching their team at the Super Bowl and realizing that they were about to score a touchdown. Jeanne twirled me around. And there I was, as Alice would say--Bella to the tenth power. Jeanne gave a very self satisfied smile and said, "Brigitte would be proud."**[picture of the hairstyle I envision for Bella in my profile**

"Wow...I love my hair Jeanne!" I had always had long hair past my mid-back, all one length-naturally wavy, but blown dried straight. This hair was so loose and scattered and reacted to my slightest movement though, especially my front layers that were falling into my face--in a sexy way I might add. "OH my hell, Alice-I have sexy Edward hair now!"

Alice corrected me. "No, actually- you now have I-just-had-sex-with-Edward hair."

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**APOV**

We were heading back up to the room to fetch Rosalie-- her absence this morning was required, but I didn't want to completely alienate her. So, she was going to tag along for our clothes and shoes and undies shopping. Jeanne tipped me off to some great retro-reproduction clothing shops and quality second hand stores in the area to look for some coquette-ish finds-Bella's look would not be satisfied by a simple mall run. We had alot of stops ahead of us.While we walked through the lobby to head for the elevator, Rosalie called out to us as she let out a whistle.

"Damn, Bella you actually clean up nicely!" For Rosalie, that's as big as a compliment as you can hope for, and Bella realized that. She smiled sheepishly, and jabbed Rosalie with her shoulder."You know Bells, you may actually succeed in turning Big Gay Edward out sexually at last. Lord knows how many other vampires have tried and failed-you might be the chosen one."

Just then Jeremy the concierge was walking past us. He smiled at all three at us-but then doubled back on Bella. As he kept his gaze on Bella, he said, "Good morning ladies." And then it happened-he winked. He winked straight at Bella. Rosalie shot me an open mouthed look-- I mirrored the same expression back her way. And what did Bella do in return? Bella with her newly minted sex hair and cat eyes and do-me lip gloss? Bella slouched, put her head down and muffled, "hi."

Once Jeremy was out of earshot, Rosalie hit Bella on the back of the head."Ow, what was that for?"

Rosalie lit into her. "Oh Sweet Jeezus, Bella. Can you grow a pair of ovaries already?"

"What?" Bella feigned ignorance to what she just did.

Rose nasally shot back, "WWWhhhatt? You know what, Miss Cherry Pie Text Messenger 2008! Don't try to act innocent now after that stunt."

I decided to intervene-but Rosalie's bad cop to my good cop was really helpful sometimes. She's so tough love. "Bella, seriously-you need to step up your sexy game. All he did was wink and you totally reverted back to your old Bella ways.We can dress and style you up all day long, but it's going to be useless if you don't own it. If you are going to be Bella Bardot, you can't shirk from the attention you are bound to receive."

Bella got defensive. "I'm sorry, but the last time I checked, I had a boyfriend. YOUR brother in fact. I don't feel like winking back or throwing myself at people."

Rosalie sighed. "Oh please, Bella-it's not like we are asking you to go up and grab Jeremy the Bell Boy's dingleberry."

"Concierge," I corrected. Rosalie huffed back in response. "But Rose is right. It's not about making a pass at someone who shows interest in you. We are just hoping you'll be able to receive the attention with some confidence. Don't slouch and look away nervously. Simply smile back and keep a little eye contact. You have to realize Bella, part of the act of seducing Edward will be him seeing how alluring you are to others. And seeing you own your beauty with grace and a little humor is going to drive Edward nuts."

Rosalie smirked my way. "I think Bella needs to make it up for her little Eeyore impersonation right now in front of Jeremy. I dare you Bella, after we go shopping and you slip into something a little more sexy, to walk right up to Jeremy Bell Boy, bring on your best flirty A-game, and make him putty in your hands."

"No!" Bella cried.

Rosalie smirked even more widely. "You do it, and I'll put a 1,000 check in the mail for Habitat for Humanity in your name." Rosalie winked at me. She always knows how to manipulate people so well!

"No fair, Rose," Bella bellowed.

"Do it for the kids, Bella. Do it for the kids."

Bella's frown slowly turned into a smile. "Make it $1,500 and I'll get him to reach out and touch my new sexy Edward hair on top of it."

Rosalie laughed, "Awww, that's the little pervy text messenger we know and love!"

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**Meanwhile on the other side of the County, deep in the woods...**

**EPOV**

My brothers had been talking nonstop and it was driving me crazy. Somehow our little hunting party turned into a man bonding retreat. Ever since they had "the talk" with me, it really opened them up about their own relationships. Jasper had started it off with confiding about his concerns that he will never be quite "vegetarian" enough for our family, and most importantly Alice. And now Emmett was confiding how he wishes Rosalie could soften up a little bit in their relationship. I was happy they felt they could talk to me about such personal things, but the reailty is I already knew about these thoughts previously. And more importantly, I couldn't think about anything else but Bella at the moment. Bella. Damn. I still can't get over that text message. I keep having it run through my mind over and over again---

"Edward are you listening or not?" Emmett asked in an impatient voice.

"Yes, I'm listening, continue..."

"Well, like I was saying, sometimes I just wish Rosalie would hold me a little while afterwards, you know? It doesn't even have to be straight up spooning. If she could just enjoy the moment afterward together with me in an embrace of any kind, I'd be so happy--"

I couldn't help it anymore. I started cracking up. Emmett looked a little defensive.

"I"m not laughing at you, Emmett. I'm just laughing at us. Our testosterone fueled hunting party has turned into in a group therapy session. If the girls could only hear us now----"

Emmett chuckled with me. "Yeah, it's nice though to have you guys to talk to. And I bet you anything their conversations are ten times mushier than ours. They are probably crying watching "Titanic" right now in their pjs in their hotel room as we speak...Girls..."

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**At that ****very**** same moment on the other side of the County, deep in early afternoon traffic...**

**BPOV**

"Okay, new game---which actor would you most like to see make out with your man? Alice, you go first," Rosalie said. We were stuck in traffic and passing the time with our usual "girl" talk.

Alice thought for a moment. "Gespard Ulliel. I want him to say dirty things in French to Jasper right before grabbing him

by the hair and planting his lips on him."

"Bella?"

I thought for a moment. "Um, Robert Pattinson." Both Alice and Rosalie didn't seem to recognize the name. "You know, the hot dead guy Cedric Diggory from Harry Potter 4 that made Harry Potter go gay for about 5 seconds when he was dazzled by Cedric's gaze. He's got luscious lips, he looks sorta like Edward, and word on the street is he has the biggest magic wand at Hogwarts! Chou started the rumor..."

Rosalie and Alice both cracked up. "See, Bella, you have a very wicked mind." Alice shook her head."And Rosalie?"

Rosalie let out a low "hmmm..." and then continued. "This up and coming actor named Kellan Lutz who could pass for Emmett's brother.And then he could take Emmett in his manly arms after the kiss and spoon him for a couple minutes--that way I wouldn't have to!"

**[If our Cullen boys only knew...**

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	7. Bella Let's the Girls Breathe

**Chapter 7: Bella Let's the Girls Breathe**

**note: "Chonies" is slang for underwear in Spanish**

**"Boys Don't Cry" was a movie about a girl who passed for a boy and wrapped her breasts up in tight gauze so she appeared flat chested.**

**note 2: This chapter isn't as funny cause it's more about Bella getting prepped for her seduction of Edward and we don't have any Cullen brothers for comedic relief. The next two chapters will have more laughs though, cause you know Edward is going to be a hot mess with hot sex Bella!**

**note 3: thanks for all of those who tried to help me with my computer, clickable link lameness! I'm so lame I'm still trying to figure it out!**

**Thanks for all the reviews and feedback-you ladies are so fun to write for!**

**BPOV**

"ISABELLA MARIE SWAN, STRIP DOWN TO YOUR CHONIES THIS INSTANT!"

"Shhhh! Alice-the people over at the foodcourt probably heard that!" It was so embarrassing-I was standing in a Victoria's Secret dressing room stall with Alice and Rosalie sitting in front of me, insisting I strip down to my underwear to see "what I had to work with" before they started hunting down figure-appropriate nighties and bra/panty sets. Alice was most passionate about me gettting a proper nightwear wardrobe, since Edward and I sleep together every night-she couldn't believe I hadn't thought about this on my own beforehand.

"Fine..." I mumbled bitterly the whole time I took off my jeans and t-shirt and shoes. And it didn't help that I heard muffled laughs once I was done.

"Bella, you are wearing a jog bra-YOU DON'T JOG!" Alice looked at me in shock.

"What? It provides good support."

"Yeah it does provide support-if you were auditioning for a lead role in "Boys Don't Cry!"

Now it was Rosalie's turn to take a whack at me. "And now I get why Edward loves playing Grandpa with you-he's feeding off the Grandma energy of your hi-cut cotton briefs!" 

I swear you guys...I'm this close to walking out of this dumb store..."

"Okay, okay...we are done joking, "said Alice." But lift up the jog bra for a quick second so I can see what cup size you are-your breasts are completely smashed against your chest cavity." I took it off quickly but cupped my breasts in my hands.

"Satisfied Alice, you peeping Tom?"

Alice's mouth dropped and she hit Rosalie's shoulder. "Bella grew breastesses! My Lord, you are easily a full B if not a small C! They are going look HUGE in a push bra! And look at your tiny waist and long legs...Bella, you have a hot bod when you aren't wearing soccer mom jeans and Charlie sweatshirts!" She dragged Rose out with her and called out, "be back in a minute!"

Before I knew it Alice and Rose were back with mounds of bra/undie sets, babydolls, and sexy cotton nightwear. "I want seven of each type, so let's get to work on these." While Alice got me in and out of the different garments, Rose was "quizzing" me on some stupid Top 10 flirty moves list they made me memorize while I was simultaneously learning how to work a pole on Saturday night.

"What should you do with your lips while talking?"

"Lick them slowly or bite them--or put something in my mouth to suck on like my finger tip or a lollipop." LAME. I swear these vampires are getting their ideas from some 1987 Cosmopolitan magazine they found in Carlisle's ER room at the hospital.

"What's the best way to draw attention to your breastesses?"

"Either play with a necklace suggestively or lightly brush my hand across my collarbone."

The interrogating continued while I fought with Alice about underwear cuts. She wanted a straight thong, I wanted bikini cut, and we settled on a T-back. Rosalie fought with me about bras-I was happy with all demi-bras, but she insisted on several ultra-low cut bras. When I asked why, she looked at me like it should be obvious. "Hello, accidental nip slips during your platontic Amish style bed sharing nights with Edward...we all know he has a thing for your areolas..."

In no time flat, we had picked out a whole new undergarment wardrobe--and keeping with the ingenue(innocent, but not as innocent as you look) theme, that wardrobe was heavy on white, pink, eyelet, soft cotton, and lace. "These are all so you Bella- a mix of innocence and nasty girl."I was standing around in one of the baby dolls when Rosa looked me over and said, "Honestly,Edward is going to freak out when he sees Bella like this-like in an uptight way, promise or no promise to you Alice."

Alice countered, "Bella has already been instructed on how to proceed. But maybe Bella needs some role playing to best visualize it." I swear these two are getting as much out of this for themselves as I am. Fustrated life coaches.

"Okay, Rosalie? Be Edward and I'll be Bella." Alice sashayed up to Rose holding a babydoll to her chest. "HI honey, do you like what you see?"

Rose feigned horror and spat out, "My word Bella! You are so absurd! Your areolas will catch a cold in that flimsy hussy contraption. You march right back to your room young lady and get back into your mom jeans this instant!" I shot Rose a dirty look-my jeans aren't THAT high waisted.

Alice shot Rose a classic doe eyed, pouty look and responded, "Do...do ...you think I look fat? Ugly? Or...both?"

She hung her head low while Rosalie rushed to her side and embraced her from behind. "Oh, my dearest loveliest Bella, no you are absolutely beauti-...Doh! I just pitched a tent in my pants!" We all started laughing.

Alice wasn't finished though, "Okay lesson 2, Bella. Alice sat Rosalie down and pretended to dance suggestively in front of her."Do you like the new moves I learned at aerobics class Edward?" Rosalie started in: "Bella, these pelvic gyrations are absurd! Only hussies shake their naughty parts in the faces of their gentlemen callers! Stop being sexy and start tripping over your feet again this instant!" Okay, I had to admit that was sorta funny.

Alice's face fell and she pouted, "You think I"m ugly AND can't dance." Rosalie scooped little Alice back onto her lap and embraced her. "Oh dearest, loveliest burning meteor Bella, you are a wonderful dancer. Oh Bella...oh...oh...ohhhhhh!" With that Rosalie tackled Alice on the ground, and then looked at me. "Dirty Eddie has come out to play and my thirst is not quenched!" Rosalie pretend to jolt towards me. As I jumped back, I accidentally pushed the changing room door opened and tripped out.

And there, staring at me with saucer eyes zeroing in on my chest, was Mike Newton.

"Mike!" I screamed trying to cover up my top half as the material was somewhat see through. **(The baby doll is in my profile) **

"Wow, Bella. Wow...Oh My Lord..." Mike just kept staring at me all stunned while slowly walking backgrounds. He finally looked away and began apologizing."I'm sorry Bella, I was just inside Footlocker across the way when I heard someone yelling your name really loudly in here. I was just going to come in and say hello to you, honest..." I stared back at Alice and mouthed a thanks her way. I shut the door quickly.

"Mike, that's okay.Don't worry about it. Um, I'm going to change now but I'll see you in English tomorrow. Uh, Bye."

Mike called back, "Yeah, bye Bella. I'm sorry I came upon you like that...well, not really sorry, but sorry in a way, if you know what I mean..." His voice trailed off. I peered through the slits in the door to see where he was. He was banging his head against a wall mouthing, "Stupid!" over and over again.

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APOV

The rest of the afternoon flew by in a hurry. We bought some basic pieces at the mall--pencil skirts, ultra-slim fitting capris, heels and espadrilles, hoop earrings, etc. But then we spent the remainder of the time hunting various retro stores to find pieces that would make Bella's Bardot pinup girl look complete. It was a lot of work, but worth the effort-I couldn't believe some of the pieces we scored-wiggle dresses, peasant tops, wider than wide cinching belts, gingham halters and shorts. Bella was really coming into her own too-she kept picking great tops that highlighted her decolletage area,since Edward was always compulsively touching her collarbone, shoulder, and upper chest area. She was quickly figuring out how to highlight her best assets.

With the Jeremy bet on the line still, Bella changed into one of her new outfits for our drive back to La Costa. She was looking fierce even in just casual jeans, a bandeau twisted halter top, and espadrilles. And even though we had to work a little more on her walk tonight, she had made it through almost a whole hour in wedge heels without falling once.

"Okay, Bella, here are the rules," Rosalie said as we were walking towards the lobby. "In order to technically turn Jeremy Bell Boy Dingleberry into putty, you have to incorporate at least 4 moves from our 10 point flirt list."

Bella rolled her eyes. "Those rules are so lame you guys. But whatever, let's get this over with. Hand me my Victoria's Secret bag with the babydolls. I want to get back to the room and text Edward." Rose handed it to her, and she was off to the concierge desk. We scurried behind her, wanting to be able to listen in.

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**BPOV**

I wanted to get this over with, so I knew the key to making a quick charity check was to bring my VS bag with me. I patiently waited for Jeremy as he was finishing up with a guest. He spotted me as I walked up though and raised his eyebrows quickly in acknowledged. I raised my eyebrows back and added a wink. That's two stupid moves knocked off right there.

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**APOV**

"Wow, Rose, she just did a double header move--a winking-double eyebrow lift combination! She's half way home!"

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**BPOV**

Jeremy Dingleberry's eyes lit up with the wink. Gawd, this is depressing-it's making miss Edward even more.

"Hello, Miss..." He let his sentence dangle in the air, waiting for me to answer the implied question.

"Swan, Miss Swan--but it's Bella to you." I grinned widely and tilted my head slightly. I just got two more moves out of the way.

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**APOV**

I gasped at her sudden confidence and technique. "Another double header!"

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**BPOV**

Jeremy Dingleberry raised one eyebrow dramatically with a grin and answered, "Bella it is then. How can I help you today?" His eyes dropped quickly to my chest, but then moved back to my face. Men. So predictable. They could live off cheetos, beer and breasts exclusively.

"Jeremy, I was wondering if you could give me advice-not as a concierge, but as a...man." I played with my necklace suggestively, then let my fingers suggestively rub the middle of my collarbone, and then let out a throaty sigh. These vampires better be keeping count, cause I'm just hitting these moves out of the park left and right.

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**RPOV**

"She just did a triple axle move combination-flawlessly! I didn't think a beginner could pull that off..."

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**BPOV**

Jeremy Dingleberry wasn't sure what to do at that point, but he was getting a little too excited for my tastes. And I hadn't even brought out the big guns yet.

" ANYTHING, for you Bella. ANYTHING." He leaned closer to emphasize that anything part, just in case I was deaf AND couldn't read lips.

I plopped my Victoria's Secret Bag on the counter, and pouted. "Jeremy, I bought several different babydolls today, and I'm just at a loss as to which one my boyfriend would like best." I took out two of the more sexy babydolls and began to carress them softly. "See, this one is silky and would feel amazing against your skin. But this one is lacey and leaves less...to the imagination visually."

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**APOV**

"She's carressing her own babydolls! That's bonus points, Rosalie!"

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**BPOV**

Jeremy's eyelids looked very heavy as he went back and forth between watching me carress my babydoll to watching my lips talk. "Lace. Lace one. Lace one good."

Okay, that's officially putty. And now for my $500 bonus. "Thanks, so much Jeremy-" as I said that, I let my hair fall into my face. I shook it temptingly as Jeremy watched. Come one, Dingleberry, take the bait-do it for the homeless kids! Reflexively, his hand reached out and moved my hair out of my face. I couldn't get annoyed with him either-I wanted to do that to Edward from day one myself. Okay, all finished here.

"Great, thanks, Jeremy! My boyfriend will appreciate your help---he's coming by tonight after his shift as a law enforcement officer is through. He carries a concealed weapon...goodnight!" Wow, I am such an ass.

I rushed back to Alice and Rosalie and we headed up in the elevator. As we giggled, Alice hugged me. "Oh, Bella, me and Rose were thinking that just yesterday you seemed so hopeless. And look at you now-doing triple axel move combinations in a push up bra!"

Later that night, Rosalie and Alice wanted to go over more "tactics," but I just wanted to go to bed. I was getting nervous about all these things that were being set in motion, and the only thing I wanted to do was talk to Edward.

I quietly laid out my outfit for tomorrow on my bed. Out of everything I bought today, it was my most favorite buy by far**.(pictures of the outfit is in my profile--I LOVE this ensemble). **

I flipped open my phone and sent him a text that wasn't egged on by dare inducing vampire girls:

**Dear Edward:**

**I've had an amazing weekend with your sisters. But the whole time, I've had to stop myself so many times. From leaning over reflexively to share whatever joke we girls were having in your ear, or to reaching out automatically to grab your hand, or to expecting to fall asleep to my own personal lullaby performer at night. I haven't realized how accostumed I am to having you within inches of me at all times! Sigh, I just miss you. **

**Yours always,**

**  
Bell**

I pulled the covers over me, and tried to not think of all the potential diasasters that could be awaiting me tomorrow with this weekend's grand scheming. All I wanted to do was concentrate on seeing Edward again.Seeing Edward-and hoping to dear God Edward doesn't hear Mike's thoughts tomorrow at lunch!

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	8. Edward Needs a Bigger Notebook

**Chapter 8: Edward Needs a Bigger Notebook Binder**

**note: thanks for the continued clickable link instruction--I finally figured it out for my links on my profile!**

**note: I dropped the "f" word a couple times here, but only because someone is in a bit of a "bind" when he does. it's suppossed to be crass. Just wanted to warn you. **

**Thanks for all the reviews and feedback-you guys are awesome! **

**EPOV**:

(Sunday night): I was lost in a fantasy involving Bella, me, and some whipped cream in a bath tub when my phone vibrated.Her cherry pie text had consumed my mind all weekend-and consumed it in very bad ways. It was making me rethink my boundaries with her, if she truly was ready for more than I previously imagined. And of course my imagination took flight with the possibilities. I flipped open the phone-Bella. Another text. Thank God I was back home and locked in my room, just in case it was another hot message. I bit my lip and began reading:

**I've had an amazing weekend with your sisters. But the whole time, I've had to stop myself. From leaning over reflexively to share whatever joke we girls were having in your ear, From reaching out automatically to grab your hand, from expecting to fall asleep to my own personal lullaby performer at night. I haven't realized how accustomed I am to having you within inches of me at all times! Sigh, I just miss you.**

Well, color me an ass of a bf. Here I was hoping she was going to talk dirty to me again, and instead she leaves the sweetest message ever. Sigh. I gotta get in control of myself, and remember why it's important to wait. It will be best for her-and us-in the end.

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**APOV:**

(Monday morning):We had checked out of La Costa, and were on schedule to make it back to my house to meet our boys before heading out to school together. I wanted to send a quick text to Edward though to make sure he was going to handle Bella 2.0 okay. Because Bella was looking hot right now in her outfit**in my profile under chapter 7**hoops earrings, heels, and just-rolled-out-of-bed hairstyle(**in my profile under chapter 6**).The contrast was quite stark, so I needed to warn him:

**Bro: Bella has gotten a new haircut and all of us girls are dressed up for a date we have together after school. She looks amazing. Please keep your composure when you see her and simply compliment her. I will be taking her to my "charm school" every day after school, but will have her back by dinner every night. Please help her with her "charm school homework" for 15 minutes nightly before bed too. It's important for her to gain confidence in front of you Edward after you basically shredded what little she had last Saturday. Remember you promised to! This is for HER benefit-we all want her to feel as good about herself as we know she should. lya, Al**

There, I hope that will help him behave. Bella is so nervous, he better not mess it up. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**JPOV:**

Ever since Edward received Alice's text, he'd been freaking out.

"I hate when Alice treats everyone like a charity project. I like Bella just as she is, I don't want her coming back looking like some clone of either Alice or Rose." Emmett and I shot him a stare.

"No offense to you guys, but I want Bella to be Bella, not some weird combination of my two sisters."

Just then, Alice's Porsche came through the clearing. And that's when it happened. Bella got out of the car first, laughing and glancing shyly over in Edward's in direction. She looked gorgeous. Alice had outdone herself this time around. I sneaked a peek in Edward's direction and all he was doing was staring at her while exhaling very slowly yet unevenly. Emmett and I shot eachother mischievious smiles. He then muttered something I swore I hadn't heard correctly.

"Did you just say " boobies," Edward?" I wouldn't blame him if he had-Bella usually wore tomboyish clothes and now she was in a top that really hugged all her curves.

"No...I didn't say that!" He sounded a little bit too defensive. " I said...rubies. As in that biblical psalm verse, "for her price is far above rubies. ."

Emmett didn't miss a beat. "Nice recovery, Edward! But seriously, you did say "boobies." I heard it too. And nothing's wrong with that-you getting a tingle over her newly liberated boobies is perfectly natural...I feel a slight tingle myself---"

Edward hissed, "Stop, Emmett! I don't want to hear "tingle" come out of your mouth ever again!" Edward reflexively made squiggly "tingle" lines with his fingers as he spoke.

We were silent for a couple seconds, and then Edward's eyes narrowed. "And stop thinking what you both are thinking! You-"looking at me"-stop checking out her chest and revisiting the cherry text message." He then turned to Emmett slightly-"and you, stop calling her a certified banger in your head. That's disgusting." He stormed off to his car.

Emmett called back, "But she is officially certified now-Edward-look at her!" Emmett looked at me and rolled his eyes. "You know this school day is going to end with Edward killing the first 10 guys who look her way, right?"

"And maybe even an administrator or two, Emmett. Principal Hubbert is always checking out Alice's ass."

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**EPOV:**

I walked to my car as quickly as I could because I didn't have my notebook binder to hide my "issues" with seeing Bella looking like THAT. Her hair looked like sex. Her body looked like sex. Her face looked like sex. She was going to kill me if I didn't get out of her presence.

The way I was feeling inside at this moment was exactly the way I felt inside when I lusted for her blood that first day we had class together. But this time I was lusting for her body. And just two hours earlier I vowed to behave. Fuck. Fuck, Fuck, Fck. Fuck me...Bella... Please...Boobies..Errr...Focus...Get a hold of yourself Cullen...I shook my head hard to clear the air.

Oh, Jesus take the wheel. Take the wheel because I'm going to crash-crash right into my girlfriend and accidentally have sex with her. On the way to school. On the side of a public road. And Charlie will respond to a call about two kids having mad animal sex in a Volvo. And Charlie will shoot me in the face and upset Bella...

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**BPOV:**

I got out of the car as Rose told me to pull a Jeremy Dingleberry on Edward. I laughed, and then self consciously looked over in Edward's direction as I smoothed out my skirt. His face was unreadable, and he seemed to be talking quietly to Jasper and Emmett. His expression was growing considerably more perturbed as he was talking to them. Well...there goes my big Cinder---fing--ella entrance. It came and went without Edward barely looking at me. I saw him him shaking his head as he walked towards his car. My heart sunk-he didn't even wait for me."Okay, girls, I'm going to head out with Edward, see you at lunch."

I walked tentatively over to Edward's car-he was already in the driver's seat. I glanced over at Jasper and Emmett-they smiled at me, but they looked a little concerned. This was so terribly awkward-I tried hard to not overconcentrate so I wouldn't start tearing up. I looked over at Alice and she was glaring in Edward's direction as I got into the car.

"Hey, honey." I cautiously leaned over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. "I missed you."

He looked over and semi-smiled. "I missed you too." He gave me a quick peck on the cheek, looked away promptly and started driving. His siblings would be following behind us within a couple seconds.

It was uncomfortably silent. My face was looking downward in defeat. He hadn't said a word to me since our greeting. He just kept stealing harsh looking side glances in my direction and shaking his head slightly. He was breathing heavily too-I knew what was coming. The head shaking and breathing was always a precursor to some self righteous speech of his for my "benefit." He was trying to calm down his anger before he addressed me. "Say something, " I finally muttered, "Say anything. Silence is much more cruel Edward." I was fighting back tears at this point.

Without a warning, Edward swerved the car to the side of the road-we stopped abruptly while I jerked forward harshly. He hit the dashboard hard with his hand and then yelled out "Damnit Bella." He leaned back on his side door and brushed his hand through his hair as he looked at me severely. Alice's car pulled up in front of us and Alice was watching through the rearview mirror with troubled eyes.

I looked back in shock at Edward-I didn't understand what was happening. My newly cut layers fell over my eyes as I looked at him. His slight head shaking came back "God Damnit Bella----you are driving me crazy." With that, he lunged over to my side of the car. He grabbed my waist roughly with both hands and latched his lips onto mine. He didn't wait for me to grant entrance-he pushed his tongue into my mouth forcefully and continued to pulse it in and out with rhythmic jabs. I felt like he was literally having sex with me at that moment the way his tongue was sliding into my mouth so urgently. I grabbed onto the back of his head and playfully snapped onto his tongue, locking it between my teeth. He opened his eyes,met the sexiest gaze I could muster up, and raised it with one devlish, crooked smile . Gawd, I was going to rape this boy on the side of the public highway in plain daylight, and with my luck, Charlie would be the responding officier.

Just then, an outburst of catcalls and yells broke out from in front of us. Damn mood killing siblings. Rosalie screamed, "Jeremy Dingleberry would not be pleased Bella!" Emmett, not wanting to be left out yelled even louder, "Edward, don't make me an uncle before lunchtime! Keep your tingles in your pants!"

Edward's face went into "pouting little brother mode," and he swiftly jumped back into the driver seat-only to flip Emmett off while the Porsche peeled back onto the highway. Edward's head tweaked to the side. "Who's Jeremy Dingleberry?"

"That's for me to know and you to never find out. Now get me to school on time, and no more tantrums out of you. If I didn't know any better I would have thought you were on your man period." NICE comeback, Bella! Rose and Alice would be proud...

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**APOV**

"Ew, did you see how he sorta jumped on her and started humping her leg like a horny little schnauzer?" Rosalie was nearly in hysterics and was trying to replicate the move on Emmett in the back."He's going to have buy an even bigger notebook binder now to hide his eternal erection for Bella!"

I wasn't in the mood to laugh about him though-he'd been so careless in more ways than one. "Edward's acting like idiot. What was with his Dukes of Hazard doughout spin back there? He could have given her whiplash! And don't even get me started about how he acted initially-just pouting when she came out of the car. " Even if he made it up somewhat by completely attacking her--to her satisfaction-in the car, it didn't excuse how he acted in the beginning.

Jasper put his hand on my hand. "He is acting like an idiot. But he's just been dealt a huge blow in the "Bella is an innnocent little girl" scenario he's been clinging to for ages now. Give him some room-you guys just busted Bella out like a vixen on him when the last time he saw she was in little girl pjs. He's confused and raging with hormones. Give him a little bit of a break. "

Emmett nodded in agreement. "I think we need to keep an eye on him at school though. He was ready to take me and Jasper out for just looking at Bella-I don't want to know what he's going to do to all those little boys who have crushes on Bella when they see her in that outfit."

"Or what he'll do to Mr. Banner," Jasper chimed in. "Bella and Edward have him fourth period. That's not going to be pretty."

"Mr. Banner?" Rosalie and I asked at the same time. "The science teacher?"

Jasper nodded. "Didn't you guys know? He's been thinking nasty thoughts about Bella all school year and Edward's been this close to knocking him out. This may be the tipping point."

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	9. David Tucker Banner Must Die!

**Chapter 9: David Tucker Banner Must Die**

**note: humans are human, vampires are vampires. But the vampires are humanized to a large degree for comedic effect.**

**Thanks for all the reviews-I love reading what you guys have to say! It gives me good feedback...**

**APOV**

Emmett and Jasper wanted to stay close to Edward today, so they were loitering around Edward's car until Bella and him got out. It was taking forever-Bella first loudly chastised him for his tantrum like behavior earlier. Edward apologized profusely, all the while kneading her bare collarbone and shoulders like they were a lump of bread dough. Back and forth they went, until Bella stopped him midsetence and began to kiss him.

"Finally,"Jasper sighed. "Let's hope that's the end of the fight and they finally come out."

But Bella obviously had other plans-she was busting some moves on him already-you gotta hand it to the girl-she sure is goal oriented!

"Will you look at that, " Emmett mumbled, as Bella started sucking on Edwards exposed tongue while bobbing her head back and forth as she looked at him through her new sex bangs. Edward's eyes first got as wide as saucers, but then began rolling to the back of his head as his hands were clutching the side door and the passenger seat headrest.

"What the hell did you guys do to Bella over the weekend? She's starting to scare me," Emmett whispered.

Rosalie sighed sentimentally and ignored Emmett's concerns. "Alice, we really did a good deed this weekend-Bella is all growns up now, getting her reverse Pretty woman on!"

"Reverse Pretty Woman?" Jasper asked.

"Yes," I quipped," instead of channeling your inner Julia Roberts lady who wears red dresses to operas, you channel your Julia Roberts streetwalker who wears pvc thigh high boots on Sunset Blvd and gives handjobs in cars for 50.00."

Emmett, shook his head. "Well, if Bella's inner streetwalker causes my poor brother to explode before the school day's over, I'm holding you two personally responsible. Poor Edward, he's like a little lamb being devoured by a lion in there. A lion in hooker boots."

"Hey, " Rosalie shot back, "It's not OUR faults you guys didn't help Edward channel his reverse Urkel this weekend like we did with Bella. Couldn't you have explained the basics to Edward--like hey Edward, when kissing a girl don't dry hump her leg like a horny toy poodle on it's favorite humping pillow? Or---hey, Edward, lunging your tongue down a girl's throat like an ice pick may actually cause her to want to stay a virgin?"

"Okay, okay," Emmett cut her off. "Maybe me and Jasper need to give Edward another father-son talk at lunch today. Our first father son talk went well enough, and he could use a few pointers..."

I chimed quietly in as Bella and Edward were getting out of the car, "And speaking of pointers, can someone hand Edward his notebook binder? " Oh Lord-watching after Bella and Edward was a full time job." Now let's hurry you guys-we are going to be late for class."

**EPOV**

Bella was so sweet and understanding. She had forgiven me and given me the most heavenly--or devilish, deciding how you wanted to interpret it-kiss. I was felt like I was walking on air as we headed to our classes. I couldn't keep my hands off of her, so I walked behind her while holding her waist. Just then, I heard it--or more like "them."'

"Sweet ass."

"Bella's funbags are so firm and round."

"I wonder if she's still a virgin-her boyfriend looks totally frigid."

" I bet she's a screamer."

They were bombarding me from all sides-scores of hormonal school boys were getting their first peek at Bella in clothes other than jeans and sweats-and the response was instantaneous and swift. My venom was pulsing loudly and quickly through my veins as my hands automatically turned into fists. I wanted something-or someone- to hit as each new thought became more and more crude.

Emmett put his arm on my shoulder. "Bro, keep it together okay? I know it's hard for you hearing everything that's being thought right now, but try to tune it out."

I just shook my head as I kept listening. Jasper came up now and tried to distract me, "Hey Edward, I was wondering if you could help me finish this assignment I have due in two periods-you're always so good at science and all..."

"Stop," I said loudly as I continued to look around me at the pool of commentators on the various aspects of my Bella's body.

Emmett saw the look in my eye-the look that betrayed the fact that I was going to make an example of one of these little perverts very quickly, and he punched below the belt. Emmet yelled forcefully, "Boobies! Bella's boobies!"

With those three words, I snapped out of my haze. I looked back at a shocked Bella-and her beautiful bustline. Sigh. Boobies. Bella's soft, perfect, round, pillow like mounds I wanted to rest my head on-

And then a whole new wave of thoughts started pouring in.

"My hell, his own brother is even talking about Bella's boobs."

"Those Cullens are freaks. I think they share all their girlfriends and sisters together. Wait a minute, if my sisters were hot like Alice and Rosalie though.."

I rolled my eyes and tried to just concentrate on Bella's face at that moment, since looking at her bustline was making me sound as bad as the pervs I wanted to beat up. This was going to be a very long day...

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**BPOV**

I was starting to feel bad for wearing this outfit to school(**under chapter 7 photos in my profile**). It was too much-I wanted to wear it simply to try to dazzle Edward for once instead of vice versa, but it was casting too large of a net in terms of attention.

As I met Edward for chemistry inside the classroom, he looked very sullen. I punched him in the arm. "So what are we doing after school? I think we need some makeup time after being away from eachother all weekend." I got a smile from him.

"Would you be willing to start the makeup time right now? All I want to do is leave school and go to your house so we can be alone. No brothers or sisters, no parents, no voices in my head..." Edward made a good point. Charlie was gone...

"Bella could you come up here a minute, "Mr. Banner called out disinterestedly from his desk towards me. Edward instantly stiffened.

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**EPOV**

I have to hand it to Mr. Banner. By watching him, you would never know what a huge pig he was about Bella. He always acted professional and teacher -like in his mannerisms around her. But inside his mind, he was a sick bastard. He was always fantasizing about lame scenarios like "tutoring" her after school while she wore a naughty Catholic school girl uniform. His favorite scenario involved her saying in the middle of the tutoring session that her back was sore because she hadn't broken in her new lace bra yet and he offers most graciously to take off her top and bra and begin to massage her up with some oil he had conveniently located in his desk drawer. He's a pig, and a nonimaginative pig at that.

Bella walked up to Mr. Banner without a care-I never told her what he thinks. He sat at his desk acting like he didn't even notice her walking up.

Yet his mind was screaming. [Banner's internal voice "You know you want to get closer, you bad, bad little girl. Dressing up for me in that naughty, naughty top." I closed my eyes trying to concentrate. If I slashed his neck with my teeth in front of Bella right now, she wouldn't be in the mood to ditch class with me. Keep your eyes on the prize, Cullen...

[Banner's external voice"Bella, I had some questions about your lab from the other day." Interesting-I did the lab with her, and yet he has no questions for me.

He pulled out a paper and laid it flat down on the desk to look over. Bella naturally bent over onto the desk,supporting herself with her hands on the desk to inspect the lab closer. Oh, I don't like where this is headed.

[Banner's internal voice"ohhh, she took the bait...look at her bend over, ready to show me her sweet knockers. Now if I can just get her to bend over a little more to get a whole view..."

I reflexively slammed my hand down hard on the desk. Mr. Banner and Bella both looked up. I caught Mr. Banner's eye, and slowly shook my head. His eyes widened.

"What's the problem, Mr. Banner," Bella tried to get back on topic but she knew something was up.

Mr. Banner tried to look away from me, but I threw him off his game. If you could even call it that. "Um, Bella, I just couldn't...um, read your writing in a couple places here. C--could you translate for me p-p-lease?"

Bella laughed and apologized. As she did, Mr. Banner looked straight down her top.[banner's internal voice "Look at those hooters bounce while she giggles. She did that on purpose. She wants me to catch a peek of those sweet--"

"MR. BANNER. A WORD OUTSIDE IF YOU WILL." I walked straight up to him with the look of murder in my eyes. Bella looked frightened-but not as frightened as Mr. Banner did.

"E--Edward. Do not address me like..like that in my classroom," he managed to stammer out as he stood meekly and full of guilt.

"Oh, if you want me to have a word with you here in front of all your students, I'd be more than happy to, Banner." My jaw was clenched and my fists were trembling.

Mr. Banner silently walked out in front of me. I closed the door so no one could hear.

"Edward Cullen, I want you to go straight to the principal's office right no-"

"Shut up Banner. I'm giving you one chance to shut up or I swear to God I will slash your throat." My jaw was trembling as I tried with all my might not to reach out and crush his worthless little numb skull. "You don't seem to realize this, but when you are thinking bad, bad things, you tend to mouth those thoughts. I've watched you all year express the most VILE thoughts about my sweet Bella. I know how you want to "take" her on the lab table, in your car, on your desk--you want to know why?"

Banner's face was as white as a ghost and his jaw was trembling too-but due to the threat of crying.

"Because your dumb ass doesn't even realize you are MOUTHING your fantasies constantly in class."So, I lied a little.But he needed to feel caught."I've even recorded some of those mouthed fantasies on my cellphone, just in case it ever came to this."

"To what?" Banner asked, not even trying to pretend he was innocent any longer-he thought I had proof.

"If it ever came to the point where your fantasizing started to directly involve my Bella. You trying to look down her top today, and actually deluding yourself into thinking she wanted you to look? You crossed a line."

Banner's eyes were in a haze, he wasn't even coherent at this point, but I kept going.

"If you EVER fucking so much as look at Bella again, let alone think one thought about her---and make that any other female student of yours while we're at it, I will destroy you. I will take the cellphone recordings to the principal. I will call the local news station-cause you know the public loves a teacher-student scandal. I will send your wife and your parents copies of the recordings for their own personal file. And I will wait for the day you think it's finally all over when you've lost your job and your family and you are flipping burgers at McDonalds. Only then will I come after you, tear apart your throat with my bare teeth, shred you up into pieces, and set you on fire. Do you understand? Look into my eyes so you understand I mean what I say."

Banner looked up slowly at me, he was already frightened. But for one breif moment, he was able to see beyond my facade--and saw what I was capable of. He nodded slowly, tears running down his face.

"Good. Remember I'm watching you, David Tucker Banner who resides at 3245 East Partridge street." I turned around and ducked back into the classroom door. Everyone was staring at me, not sure what happened but knowing something went down. But I ignored them all, picked up my backpack and Bella's, grabbed her hand and casually mentioned, "Mr. Banner was nice enough to let us go to lunch early, love."

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**JPOV**

Emmett and I skipped out at the end of fourth period to check up on Edward. But we realized we were too late as we heard some hysterical crying in the student bathroom right next to Mr. Banner's classroom. I peeked my head inside quickly, only to see Mr. Banner trying to dry off with paper towels a huge wet spot on his pants. He looked up at me.

"I'm sorry!I'm sorry! I understand! Tell Edward I understand! Don't hurt me!"

I just left him in his misery and shook my head as I walked back to Emmett. "Well, the good news is Mr. Banner's head is still attached to his body. The bad news is he's crying and apparently wet his pants after Edward threatened him in some way." Emmett cracked up, but still wanted to find Edward.

We heard voices around the corner and peeked around the way. All of Edward's drama has made me feel like a gossipy girl listening in on everything lately...geesh...

There was Bella pointing her finger at Edward and Edward shaking his head at her. They looked like they were fighting, but it was hard to tell-since Edward had both hands kneading Bella's backside the whole time.

"Listen to me one last time, Edward. I understand wanting to make a point with Banner because he's a teacher. But otherwise, I don't need saving from bad thoughts, okay? I'm not in danger cause of a bad thought. I'm not into the whole-protecting-my-honor deal. I'm a big girl and can take care of myself."

Edward kept shaking his head, "But you don't get it Bella-you don't know what they are saying about you in this skirt and top."

"I don't care, honestly. It doesn't take a mind reader to know girls are thinking way more things about you,. You wear very form fitting clothes Edward and you have a hot ass body. I have never asked you to dress differently, and I don't worry about what others think about you for the most part. Cause I know you love me and you should know I love you. So, stop letting it get to you this badly."

Edward didn't have a good comeback-he knew she was right, that he overreacting. So, he pouted at her and then started snickering. He gave her a kiss and within 3 seconds he had her straddled around his waist--and still kneading on that backside dough.

Emmett leaned in, "Hey, maybe the kid doesn't need another father-son talk after all huh?"

We both snickered and looked back-only to see him set her back down on the ground and hike his leg slightly around her--horny schnauzer style.

"Then again..."

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	10. Mike Newton Must Die!

**Mike Newton Must Die!**

**note 1: I so messed up-I meant for my last chapter to be called "John Tucker Banner Must Die!" like that dumb movie title. But I was talking on the phone to my bro-in-law David while I wrote the chapter, and I typed "David Tucker Banner Must Die!"lol**

**note 2: Love all the feedback! Some have asked good questions that I thought I might address as best I can for those interested:**

**1) ****On Edward seemingly grossly OOC****: In some ways he is because I'm doing broad comedy, so exaggeration is used alot. And him and Emmett are my favorite comedic targets. But, I do try to use a foundation on his character that is based on my interpretation of the Twilight series. And that interpretation falls on this idea: Edward is a 107 year old gentlemanly virgin--trapped inside a 17 year old hormonal body. The jokes write themselves!lol **

**Edward in the Twilight Series is mainly characterized through Bella's perceptions. And I think Bella over idealizes Edward alot. But Edward is in fact a dualistic character-he's slightly human but he's mainly vampire, he's 107 mentally but 17 physically and emotionally when it comes to first love-and lust. So, Edward in my story is a play on his dualistic nature as a gentleman-and a teen horndog!lol And action wise in my story 107 edward dominates his actions almost exclusively-it's only in his thoughts that we really see his inner dirty bird 17 year old.lol**

**2) ****Edward and the f-bomb****: It is OOC for Edward to use naughty f-bombs! But I did that on purpose to show how fustrated Edward was getting on Bella's first day back with him. He was having alot of conflicting internal feelings, he didn't feel in control of his hormones, and he had alot of guys being pervy around her. So the f-bomb was more a sign of Edward at his limit on several fronts.**

**3) ****Bella coming off a little trampy in the last chapter****: I wanted to show her trying to be really bold initially, trying to play the part. She's fresh from seduction boot camp-she was trying to work what she learned. lol But her natural tendencies end up winning out within a couple hours actually-by chemistry she's thinking the outfit is too much for school.**

**Thanks again for all the reviews-the feedback is always fun to read and helpful!**

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**BPOV**

Edward had his hands wrapped around me tightly and wouldn't let go. The lunch bell was going to ring any minute now and I had to make a decision.

"Please, Bella? We could skip out so easily right now-" His breath tickled as he whispered into my ear. He leaned me closer into the lockers and whispered "please" into my neck again. The vibrations of his mouth on my neck made me giggle. I thought "please" was MY secret weapon...

I wanted more than anything to run off with Edward right then and there, but about 20 feet away from me was Alice-watching me like a hawk. I'd have to convince her first why I deserved to completely blow off our "charm school" lesson after school(and by charm school, we are talking more"Flavor of Love Girls Charm School" than Emily Post's Charm School).

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**APOV**

My eyes narrowed as I watched Bella and Edward together against the lockers. "It's always two steps forward, three steps back with Bella, Rose."

Rosalie nodded. "Look at them, it's like we are back at square one."

It was true. With the exception of Edward's overly enthusiastic kneading on any exposed part of Bella's body, it was the same ol', same ol'.

Edward was personal-space challenged with Bella, hovering over her and embracing her. And yet he still did it in a way that was always defensive and buffering her from others, like there was a Volturi guard around every corner. Bella responded to the hovering by taking on a little girl stance-usually leaning into Edward's chest like a child holding onto Daddy while looking up at him doe eyed. Oh-and like frosting on the cake, she just giggled like a 5 year old. Ugh.

Everyone and everything around them was drowned out as usual. Them and their bubble world. It's the same bubble world that encourages him to act like her grandpa.

"Okay, I've had enough, Rose. Let's get her before she regresses anymore. And Jasper, Emmett-please talk to Edward about his impulse control problems in general. He's acting the hot mess today."

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**BPOV**

"Oh geez, here they come, " I whispered to Edward. He had his back to them as he was hugging me.

"Do whatever you need to get out of Alice's plan." He whispered back. " I need to get out of here. Please Bella."

Edward was urgent to leave---I heard it in his tone. I needed to take him home.

10 minutes later though,both Edward and I were stranded at school still. And not even at the same table at lunch. Alice and Rose stole me away to one cafeteria table, and Jasper and Emmett stole Edward to another.

"Bella, I need to be straight up with you. The future is becoming less clear to me with each passing minute you and Edward are together. I can tell you are losing resolve." I nodded at Alice's warning, but was completely distracted--Edward was two tables ahead of me and trying to get my attention.

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**EPOV**

"You see, the thing is Edward, when you have feelings for a woman, it's important to show those feelings in physically appropriate AS WELL as physically attractive ways..." Emmett won't shut up. I can tell Alice won't shut up for Bella either. I got Bella's attention with a slight raising of the eyebrows...God, she looks amazing right now.

"Yes! Bella is resting her breasts on the lunch table!"---I had been doing well trying to block out all floating thoughts from my mind by focusing on Bella's face, but Tyler Crowley was screeching so loud with glee on his discovery, it leaked through my mental filter. Get it all out of your head, Cullen, and concentrate on Bella. She smiled my way, and I was back on track:

Mouthing in her direction, I said: "Let's play a game. Repeat out loud what I mouth to you, starting NOW:

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**BPOV**

Why am I suppossed to say outloud what he mouths? Oh well, here goes nothing:

"I'M... SORRY...EDWARD...ISN'T...AN...ON--LY...CHI-LD..." I cupped my hand over my mouth and shook my head his way. He loved my reaction-and Rose and Alice's. I looked from side to side---and if vampire looks could kill...

Alice kept on droning after giving my hand a slight slap though. "And another thing Bella, to see you slip back into the old self that becomes girlish and accomodating to Grandpa Edward, you are begging to outdo Edward's 107 year long virginity marathon..."

blah blah blah.. I looked at Edward and mouthed, my turn, starting NOW:

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**EPOV**

"JASPER...ALICE'S...HOMEROOM...CALLED...SHE...LEFT...HER...PURSE...THERE...AND...THEY...WANT...TO...

KNOW...IF...YOU'D...LIKE...YOUR...BALLS...BACK...THEY...WERE...SITTING...IN...THE...SIDE...COMPARTMENT...

NEXT...TO...HER..LIPSTICK..."

I let out an reflexive laugh and cringed, knowing I was going to get punched. Yep...there it was...right in the side of my rib. Just then another stray outside thought got through-

"Man, Bella's ass in that skirt--"--Shut it out, Cullen, just keep looking at Bella. My turn, Bella, and this is going to get you a punch yourself when you mouth it...Okay, starting NOW:

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**BPOV**

"ALICE...WALMART...AND... KATHY...LEE... GIFFORD ...CALLED... THEY...WANT...THAT...TOP... BACK... FROM...KATHY'S...EXCLUSIVE...WALMART...SIGNATURE...COLLECTION...APPARENTLY...IT'S...NEEDED...FOR...EVIDENCE...IN...A...GRAND...JURY...SINCE...IT...WAS...MADE...FROM...THE...HANDS...OF...A...4...YEAR...OLD...

WORKER...IN...THAILAND..."

It was my turn to cringe--Alice gasped, pinched me hard, and hissed, "As if I'd wear anything from Kathy Lee Gifford!" Somehow, Kathy Lee Gifford clothing trumped the child worker slaves in terms of world injustices in Alice's book...

My turn, Cullen boy, and I'm going to make you pay big time, starting NOW:

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**EPOV**

"EMMETT...DR...PHIL...CALLED...HE...WANTS...HIS...QUAINT..."TELL...IT...LIKE...IT...IS..."...ADVICE...APPROACH...

BACK...HE...SAID...IF...YOU...GIVE...IT...UP...WITHOUT...A...FIGHT...HE'LL...SPOON...YOU..AFTERWARDS...AND...

HE...WON'T...EVEN...SIGH...LIKE...A...BITCH...LIKE...ROSE...DOES...WHILE...HE..LAYS...IN...YOUR...ARMS.."

Emmett's eyes grew wide..."Edward what we as men talk about in the woods isn't only secret, but sacred." And with that, he took his fist as hard as he could and pounded it onto my hand that was flat on the table. "OWWW!"

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**BPOV**

"I...LOVE...YOU...SO..MUCH...BELL...YOU...WON...WITH...THAT.LAST---" I stopped. oops. Apparently the game was over.

Rosalie and Alice looked back and forth from Edward to me, and figured out what's going on-Alice made a fist at him, and Rose said, "You are lucky you guys stopped your game when you did cause I wouldn't have thought twice about stabbing your little hand with that fork right there when you turned your attention towards me."

" Who said you'd think twice about it?" I mused with a smirk.

"Bella Swan, get back to focusing---"

"Alice, I know what you are saying is true. But I"m worried about Edward right now. He needs to go. He's not being manipulative or anything. Let me take him home and we'll meet back up for your little charm pole dancing school around 3:00 PM. Please, Alice, I need you to listen."

She shook her head stubbornly. "NO. You are coddling him by taking him home. He needs to man up and just deal with the fact you are a young, beautiful woman. Don't appease Edward's self indulgent ways..."

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**EPOV**

I was laughing as I watched Rose and Alice figure out our game. Just then, Emmett actually peaked my interest. "Since my "Dr. Phil" approach is bothering you, Edward, maybe you simply need photographic evidence to realize you need some pointers, okay kid?" He flipped open his phone and there it was-a video of me and Bella just a couple minutes earlier by the lockers.

I was rubbing her backside like there was no tomorrow, straddling her against me while I kissed her, throwing my leg around her while grinding. What the hell? I swear I don't even realize what I'm doing to her half the time, it's like I'm on automatic pilot. I looked like a complete pervert. And on top of it, I looked...like a horny dog dry humping someone's leg. I hate those types of dogs. They always wrinkled your pant legs and make people laugh at you. My face fell as I watched.

"See, bro, now do you know what I mean that physically appropriate AND attractive gestures are important?" Jasper snickered. They thought I'd laugh, but I just stood there stunned.

I kept thinking that I was acting exactly the way any of the little perverts around me would act if given a chance to touch her freely. I was no different. "Edward, it's not a big deal, don't be embarrassed," Emmett was trying to bring me back. It was too late though.

Just then, the floating thoughts came rushing through me as my concentration wavered. It was like a hundred voices were yelling different things crudely about Bella's breasts, backside, lips,legs in my ears. I cringed and tried to look at Bella to get back on track. I looked at her with all the force that I could muster to center myself again, but that video of me all over her like a lech was stopping me from having any success...

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**BPOV**

I saw Edward's face abruptly change. From casual and playful, to under extreme pressure. He began wincing as if he was being hit, and he looked up at me with desperate eyes. I could tell he was focusing so hard in that moment-focusing on me, trying to shut out whatever he was trying to shut out. But he wasn't winning the fight. He kept shaking his head slightly, never leaving my gaze, like he was trying to regroup mentally--albeit unsuccessfully.

"Something's wrong, Alice. I need to talk to Edward."

"Stop coddling him already, Bella, geesh--"

Edward winced one more time and mouthed, "Bella, please--"

"Shhh, Alice. You don't understand-"

I was standing up and ready to make my way to Edward's side. Just then, I saw a jolt in him. He broke my gaze, and slowly turned around. And looked directly in Mike Newton's direction.

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**MikeNewton'sPOV**

I couldn't believe my luck, Bella must be in a fight with Edward. They aren't sitting together and he looks pissed. No doubt because she was looking so hot today-you can tell he's the possessive type. I've never understood why Bella settled for him. But maybe I have a chance now to talk to her alone about Sunday. God, I can't believe it was just yesterday. Seeing her in that see through babydoll(**pictured in my profile for chapter 7.) **was mind blowing. I keep playing it over and over in my head-the way you could see just slightly through the material at her breasts, the g-string underneath that you could make out...No possessive boyfriend around. Just me and her staring at eachother, as if the rest of the world didn't exist...

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**EPOV**

His thoughts were flowing so quickly I didn't have time to fully process what he was thinking about in regards to Bella. Until I saw it. I saw the image in my head. Bella. My Bella. In a negligee. Just as Mike described. This wasn't a fantasy of his-it was a memory. A beautiful memory that distracted me for a moment-Bella looked like a vision. But I had to break free from that vision-because it it wasn't mine to have. It was Mikes's.I felt like a gaping hole was just blast through my chest, and I buckled. Why? I looked over at Bella with my eyes pleading... "Why?"

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**BPOV**

"Edward!" I yelled out, trying to break him out of the trance. My mind was racing as I tried to hurry to his side. He heard Mike right now, but it couldn't have been in context. He's looking at me like I had betrayed him. I rushed faster. But it was too late. He bolted--in too quick a manner to not be noticeable by human eyes. Alice was by my side in an instant. "Bella, we need to go. NOW. We need to go get Edward. I just saw something right now, and well-he's under a bit of a...misapprehension."

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**RosePOV**

Oh shit, I hope Edward wasn't reading my mind about Jeremy. And Bella. And I sorta gave Jeremy Bella's number and told him to stop by soon and ask her for a date. Damnit, can't any of these drama queens take a joke...Emmett's ass looks really nice in those jeans...hell, my ass looks really nice in these jeans too...

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	11. Tanya Needs a Baby Daddy

**Chapter 11: TANYA NEEDS A BABY DADDY**

**note: Thanks for all the reviews-they always help me for writing future chapters! **

**note: I know vampires don't eat anything but blood, but I had to make Tanya's family like the suburban family from hell, so they do imbibe in classic suburban mom treats on road trips...lol**

**note: The vampires are vampires, the humans are human. But I humanize the vampires to a large degree for comedic effect.**

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**TanyaPOV---about 450 miles from Forks, WA, traveling by car on the interstate highway:**

Stop fighting this instant, Irina, Moni, Nira, and Patrick, or I'll turn this minivan back so fast to Denali, your heads will spin!" These little shits are driving me nuts-who did I think I was, taking in a bunch of orphaned teen vampires? Mother Theresa? "And Patrick-you left your Capri Sun in the holder and it's dripping all over the G-damn upholstery now-clean it up!"

Gawd, I really don't know why I thought I could handle starting my own coven. It's so hard being a single vampire mother these days. I thought it would be so great in the beginning to have my own little family after seeing Carlisle and Esme's success. I just didn't realize finding my own Carlisle was next to impossible. Human women are always complaining how hard it is to get a good man to settle down--HA! Times that by ten with horny vampire guys--and then mention you want them to go "vegetarian" on top of it. See how long that lasts. Sure I attract alot of vampire guys with my looks-I just can't get them to stay.

That's why Edward seemed destined for me-he was the only eligible Cullen left who understands fidelity and vegetarianism. I thought he was gay after he turned me down(cause seriously, who would resist this for any other reason?), so I didn't push it. But then I got the annual holiday Cullen Family Newsletter to see the "latest addition" to the family... I'm sorry, but being gay makes more sense than hooking up with some mousey human brunnette girl who looks like she'd jump at her own shadow. I'll be damned if I let that Plain Jane get the last honest, marriage minded vampire guy on earth-my kids' and my future depend upon it! 

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**APOV--driving with Bella in a direction she thinks she can head off Edward**

Crap. This is all my fault, I should have just let Bella take him home early instead of a being a Nazi about her staying at school.

"It's going to be okay, Bella. He just needs to calm down and then he'll call us back. I have no idea why he's even reacting like this at all-it's Mike Newton of all people..."

Bella turned to me and glared. "It's BECAUSE it was Mike Newton of all people, Alice." She paused. "Mike is to Edward what Tanya is to me, Alice. The person that can offer things to our signficant other that we can't as human or vampire. I can't be gorgeous or unbreakable or strong like Tanya. Tanya would be the sensible partner for Edward. And Edward can't be the normal guy who can marry me and make babies with me and grow old with me. And he's always thought of Mike as the sensible choice for me as well."

"Oh."What could I say to that? Mike being a threat...who knew...

Bella turned to me. "What did you see Alice in your vision? I need to know what he's planning. I'm going crazy wondering what he's thinking right now."

Do I tell her the truth? Or try to cover up and fix the problem before I tell her...er..."Um, let's just say I don't want Charlie to haul Edward in for several felony counts, okay?" 

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**EPOV--stopped off at the side of a road about 10 miles away from Forks.**

8 messages from Alice. 12 messages from Emmett. 6 text messages from Alice. Emmett? 16! That big lug has the biggest heart of anyone I know. I read the first text from him: "Bro, let Rosalie explain-she thinks she knows what you read in her mind and it's her fault, not Bella's" Wuh? Great, there's more to come clean about...

I wasn't ready to talk to anyone yet. I needed to go break something or someone first...what's on top of the list?

**Plan A**: Firebomb Mike's car. Firebomb MIke's house...Firebomb Mike's family store...Firebomb Mike...hey...

**Plan B**: Kill Mike Newton for the very least of seeing Bella in a negligee before I have. For the very worst-...can't go there right now...Focusing on that act made me feel so happy for a moment-I fantasized being inside an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon where I was stuffing dynamite sticks inside both of Mike's ears, lighting them on fire, and watching his head explode like a big pinata. But wait. before I explode his pinata head, I want to get a couple smacks in with the pinata stick...Mikey, you better be running for the border right now, cause I'm coming for you...

The phone was vibrating again...I flipped it open and the text read, "If you make Bella cry, I will physically hurt you Edward...and she's THIS close." Sigh...I need to call but just to check in...I have some dynamite sticks to buy...

"What Alice..." I said in a low tone.

"THIS CLOSE, Edward. Meet us somewhere right now or feel my wrath," Alice thundered.

Sigh..."Okay, in front of the opening of Wildridge Trail. I"m parked here right now."

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**BPOV**

Alice was about to get out of the car when I told her to stay put. I love Alice more than anyone else in the Cullen family, but sometimes I wonder if her and Jasper need some excitement in their lives to distract her from ours!

I silently got into passenger seat of the Volvo and closed the door. "Why what, " I asked barely above a whisper. It was what he mouthed in my direction after hearing Mike's thoughts-and right before he bolted from the cafeteria.

Edward was looking down at his hands. "Why does he have a memory of you wearing a negligee. Why did he say it was like you and him were the only ones on earth as you stared at eachother. Why did he get to see your areolas before I did..." (Edward thought to himself:Crap, did I just say that last thought out loud?)

My jaw dropped as he looked up at me with pained eyes. "EDWARD!" I slapped him on the shoulder reflexively. "Did you not see why I was in a negligee? I was trying on negligees, FOR YOU, at Victoria's Secret with YOUR two sisters, when Mike happened upon me on accident right outside my dressing room! Yes, we were staring at eachother, but in shock---right before I ran back into the dressing room!"

Edward's face looked more confused, but a great weight had been lifted from his face. It was obvious. "How the heck did Mike just happen to be outside your dressing room? Why were you outside of your dressing room?" 

"Well...Alice was messing around and shrieked my name out at the top of her lungs to strip down because I didn't want to take my clothes off in front of her at first...and apparently Mike was in the store across from ours when he heard my name yelled...and I guess the stripping part too..."Edward scowled in Alice's direction as Alice ignorantly waved in his direction and smiled. Ha.

"And I was outside of the dressing room cause Rosalie was messing around like she was going to feel me up and sorta pushed me outside by accident."

Edward rolled his eyes. "Great, my sisters are SUCH wonderful influences on you." He had a smile on his face at this point, and I leaned over and gave him a kiss. 

Edward laughed and said, "Well, at least Mike got us out of school early. That's a plus I guess...But in light of the full story, can I ask for two favors, Bella?"

"Sure."

"Can we burn that negligee? It's sullied now. " I rolled my eyes and said, "Drama queen. If you must."

He then slowly smiled diabolically."And secondly, can we take a quick trip to Mike's sports store in about three hours?"

I narrowed my eyes, "No, if you aren't going to behave yourself. Mike is harmless really..."

"I"ll be on my best behavior," Edward answered, " I promise." The wink and the crooked smile told otherwise.

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**EPOV----Outside of Mike's family Sports Store**

I opened the door and had Bella go through first, her eyes looking at me warily. I winked back, but that only seemed to make her more suspicious.

As I held her hand, we approached Mike behind the counter. His face was equal parts excitement and repulsion-you can guess which part was reserved for Bella, and for me.

"Hello, Mike," I said. "Busy day in here, huh?" I tried to make small talk and smile as naturally in his direction as I could.

"Uh, yeah..." Mike trailed off, never knowing quite how to react to me when I'm being friendly.

"Listen, Mike, Bella and I have been planning a camping trip for a couple weeks now. She just bought her "equipment" yesterday, "I winked in his direction," but we are still in need of a really, sturdy air matress. You think you could help us out?"

Bella looked my way with dread. She could only imagine the possibilities of where this talk was heading.

"Uh, yeah, " Mike said uncomfortably and took us to the back of the store where they had several models already inflated. "These are what we have to choose from."

I looked them all over thoughtfully and then asked, "Which mattress has the best shock resistance, do you think?" I tried with all my might not to smirk as Mike's eyebrows furrowed in reaction to my inquiry.

"Well, uh, this model is probably the most affordable and has a warranty to go with it." He tugged at one of the queen sized mattresses in their upright position.

"May I?" I asked, as I motioned that I wanted to place it down flat on the floor.

"Um...sure, I guess."

Once, I had it flat on the floor, I silently placed Bella on her back on the mattress and jumped right on top of her and started doing a sort of push up on the mattress..."hmm, this is pretty firm, but it doesn't feel durable enough. Let me see how much resistance it can take." I started doing faster pushups as Bella's eyes went into shock. I winked back at her. "Bella, love, is this hard enough for you?" She reflexively looked down at my groin area and let out a slight smile. "The mattress love, is the mattress hard and firm enough for your liking?" She just shrugged while her eyes started to narrow like she was concentratingas I continued my push up shock endurance test.

At this point, we were attracting a little crowd. Some patrons were incensed by our little durability demonstration, but others seemed to find it entertaining. I got a couple thumbs up signs and even a high five sign from some grandma who was keeping time with my push up rhythms by clapping her hands. 

Somehow a juvenile revenge trick turned into something else within a couple seconds-I forgot Mike was right there and only saw Bella's face as she seemed to enjoy my pushup routine. Her eyes looked so sexy almost shut as her lips opened wider and she let out a small gasp with each push up. I seemed to be enjoying it much more than I should too I have to admit. Before I knew it, my breathing was getting heavier and my voice was getting husky as I tried to ask Bella another question, "Is this good enough...for you...Bella...uh, the mattress I mean..."

Bella screamed, "Yes, it's good!"

"Say my name Bella...is it good?"

"Edward, it's so good!"---Bella's eyes were closed and her legs somehow got tangled around my waist. I don't remember how even----

Mike screamed out, "The mattress has a G-damn warranty! It's good, okay?"

His voice broke me out of my little stupor and I quickly got up..."Yeah, I think it wiill do just fine, Mike...Thanks...Ring me up..." I was gasping for air while trying to spit out the words.

As I helped Bella up from the mattress, her face flushed yet satisfied, the clapping grandma bent over to her ear and whispered, "Honey, don't let that one go, he's a keeper." She winked at her and then motioned with her chin-at my groin area. I looked down...where is a notebook binder when you need one?

I tried to look around for something to cover up with, but just decided to rush over to the cash register instead. I quickly gave Mike my card, and Bella stumbled by and mumbled she'd wait in the car. As Mike handed me my receipt and mattress, he gave a quick glance down south on me and his eyes widened. I couldn't help myself as I 

responded to the look, " And you thought Bella stayed with me because of my Volvo..."

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**MikePOV**

Edward walked out without a care in the world as his monster sized erection threatened to knock people's eyes out if he wielded it too quickly in anyone's direction. Stupid, shiny Volvo owner.

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	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: A Rose By Any Other Name...**

**note: This is the first part of a two part chapter,...I'll put the second part up later today.**

**note: Thanks for all the reviews! You guys are awesome and give great feedback...I'm glad people liked the pervy grandma in mike's store!lol**

**note: Humans are Human, Vampires are Vampires. But the vampires are humanized to a large degree for comedic effect!**

**BPOV**

"Here's the deal guys-I don't think Edward is up for a nudie bar dance from his fiancee tonight." Alice and Rose weren't catching onto to why post"air-mattress-incident," their planned pole dancing tutorial for charm school today was probably in vain. 

"Why wouldn't he be? He's been more of a freak in the last 8 hours than he has been in the last 107 years, Bell! You have to strike while the iron is hot!" Alice really was enjoying this too much-Jasper needs to take her out more.

"That's the point, Alice. The air mattress incident made him realize he's acted like a total freak today. He spent the last hour apologizing to me and saying he wanted to start showing me the respect I deserve from this point on." Yep, Grandpa Edward was back and ready to rumble with Dirty Eddie. Sigh. 

Alice looked at me unfazed. "And?"

"Well, Alice...That means he's probably not going to be in the mood to watch me rocking a pair of clear-heeled ho shoes and spreading eagle on a pole mid air.It seems a bit self explanatory..."

Alice patted my head like I was a little puppy. "Oh, silly Bella. Silly, silly, Bella. Quiz time, Bell:** A rose by any other name...is still a -----"**

"Rose?"-I answered.

"WRONG! It's whatever you are **NOW** calling it. Edward's begging for a way out of his stuffy old ways. And you are going to provide that out, Bella-by calling a rose by another name. Watch and learn."

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**APOV**

"Oh brother dearest," I called.

Edward stuck his head out suspiciously from his bedroom." Yes..."

"I'm taking Bella now to charm school. We'll be back soon enough. And stay out of your bedroom, we will be using it for practice in a couple of hours."

Edward looked at me with narrowed eyes. "Okay, but on one condition-try not scream the words "Bella" and "strip" within a 10 mile radius of Mike Newton, okay?"

"Well, stripping isn't on our agenda today, Edward so don't worry." I threw a wink and big smile over my shoulders at Bella, and she shot me back a "don't be so obvious!" look. She's such a scaredy cat!

"We are just going to hit up the new Ballet-ates class at the gym."

"Ballet-what," Edward asked.

"Oh, Edward, for a patron of the fine arts, you are sometimes so behind. Ballet-ates combines Ballet dancing and Pilates. It will do wonders for Bella's coordination challenges, and help her finally master walking in heels for the prom."

As Bella looked on with a slight scowl on her face, I leaned into Edward whispering, "and you know how insecure Bella is about dancing. When she shows you what she learned tonight, you will give her your full attention and praise her endlessly, you understand?"

Edward nodded earnestly. "Of course," he whispered back. I winked at him and Bella and I were on our way to a dance studio that had some private rooms to allow Bella to get her pole freak on.

"What was all that talk about "Ballet-ates" in there, "Bella asked.

"It was me showing you how "**The Rose By Any Other Name**" game is played. You are no longer pole dancing for Edward. You are going to be practicing a form of ballet for him. Grandpa Edward would never object to ballet you know-it's one of the highest forms of art! " I raised my eyebrow in her direction, and was ecstatic to finally see a light go on in her head.

Rose got into the car and chimed in, "Okay, Bella I hope you are in an especially spastic mood today with the pole. Cause I've got 20 bucks on the line with Alice that you sprang an ankle within an hour." 

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**TanyaPOV**

"Okay, kids, when you knock on the door, don't forget to greet Edward with a big hug. And call him "Uncle Edward" too and let him know how much you miss him." My kids all looked back at me and grimaced. Man, I hate the teen years.

I rang the door and Esme answered. "Tanya, please come in! So good to see you!" She gave me a quick hug and ushered us all inside.

Ah, I always felt at home in the Cullen house. This place never changes. And look at Edward standing there in the foyer. He's like a Greek god. "Edward, it's been TOO long!" I jabbed my kids to join in. 

"Uncle Edward, we've missed you," They cried anemically on cue. 

He greeted the kids warmly but seemed to hesitate coming closer to me. His girlfriend must be possessive and already gave him orders to keep some distance. Well, little mousey brown haired girl, we'll see what I can do about that. Feet don't fail me now. "OHHH, Edward, it just feels so right to be here again. " I gave him a huge hug, and then noticed Jasper and Emmett on the stairs, smirking. Maybe Edward has talked to them about me!

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**EMMETTPOV**

If Mike can cause Edward to dry hump Bella horizontally publicly for just thinking bad things about her, I can't wait to see what Bella's going to do when she sees Tanya rubbing herself all up on Edward like this! 

"Jas, I have a feeling we won't be needing to rent any movies tonight-I think the entertainment is going to be all live action." Jasper nodded with a huge grin on his face.

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**EPOV**

I tried to cut the hug short. "Hi, Tanya. Good to see you again. And the kids." I smiled but was only imagining how her presence was going to affect Bella. Tanya was not my type at all-she's too brassy. But to Bella, she would see her as threatening, with her "Baywatch" looks and somewhat aggressive personality. Bella had such a hit with her self confidence this past weekend with me, I just don't want her to feel insecure. I'm so glad Alice was nice enough to get her to join a ballet class. I wish I could see my sweet Bella doing some plies on the balance bar right now...

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**RosePOV**

"Bella stick your ass out more! No, no no! Don't stick it out like you want to take a dump! Arch the back! Look in the mirror-what are you? A duck? Look how your feet are all turned inward! Do you think Edward wants a pole dance from a pidgeoned-toed duck?"

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**TanyaPOV**

"So, Edward, I hear you have a human companion right now." I smiled while rubbing his back. He shied away from my touch, and Moni let out a muffled laugh. Brat.

"Fiancee actually, Tanya. Her name is Bella and I'm looking forward to you meeting her sometime tonight." He stiffened with my characterization of the girl. Always so loyal.

I smiled slightly, "You know, I've had human companions before too Edward." His eyebrow raised. " You didn't know that, did you? Well, I have and they were nice. For a time. But they are fleeting. Especially when the humans are very young. How old is your Bella?"

He fidgeted defensively. "18."

I smiled wryly. "That's very young for engagements Edward. She is still young, still curious. Very curious." I let that last thought dangle in the silence.

"Yes, she is very curious, but not in the way I assume you are implying Tanya. Bella is the one of the most precious and pure hearted people I've ever met this side of Carlisle, and those qualities aren't going to alter with age. Excuse me Tanya." 

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**APOV**

"Come on Bella! Grind into the pole harder! Wait, not that hard, you look like you are having a seizure. Slow it down a little..wait, not that slow, now you look like you have cramps...Now lick the pole! Lick it like it's a candy cane-or Eddie's ding dong! Good hell woman-point your tongue-don't just let it hang out like a flaccid piece of salami!"

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**BPOV**

My arms and legs were so sore from the "ballet-ates" workout. We were back in Edward's room and I still had yet to run into Tanya. Ugh. Why does she have to be here today. I"m already nervous enough as it is with the impending ER visit I'll have to take after I fall flat on my face trying to work the pole tonight.

Alice and Rosa were jumping up on Edward's bed. "Open it! Open it!" Alice had bought me yet another present.

I opened it up warily...on the front it said, "Carmen Electra Professional Pole Kit." Oh hell, Alice!(**a/n: the punchline is that there is such a product in this world-lol**)

"We can set it up here in Edward's room-assembly time on the box says only 20 minutes with an Alan's wrench! "

"Yeah, Edward's going to be so thrilled to have a Carmen Electra Pole installed in his bedroom, Alice.."

Alice looked at me increduously. "Oh ye of little faith, Bella. Let Rosa set it up and then watch and learn...AGAIN...hide in his closet so he doesn't know you are here."

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**APOV**

"Edward!" I called out as loud as I could.

He came into his bedroom quickly and quietly-trying to keep off Tanya's radar no doubt. "What," he whispered. He looked over and saw the now assembled Carmen Electra Stripper Pole. "Alice, what in goodness name is that doing in my bedroom? Get it out of here! What will Esme think?"

I feigned ignorance. "What? It's Bella's Ballet-ates vertical workout bar. It helps with the core strength exercises she's learned. Remember she needs to practice them in front of you tonight before bed..."

He looked confused. "Wait, Alice, isn't this a..."

I looked at him doe eyed and silent, letting him squirm.

"A... stripping pole?"

I opened my mouth and slapped his chest. "Ew, Edward, stop being a perv! Don't you dare let Bella hear you utter such words or she'll be too mortified to even get near her vertical bar again, do you hear? Ew..." I shook my head quickly for maximum effect.

He looked down embarrased. "Sorry, I just thought'--"

"Well, you keep those dirty thoughts to yourself. Now run along..." I pushed him out of the room and opened up the closet door. "Are you finally getting the hang of the the "**Rose By Any Other Name**" game now, Bella?" Her mouth was opened, but it was quickly turning into smile. "And you say I"m a dangerous creature, Alice."

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This is a two part chapter-I'll put the second chapter up later on today...


	13. That's What 007 Friends Are For

**Chapter 13: That's What 007 Friends are For**

**note: Okay, I had to actually break this chapter up again,because it's getting too long. I"m working on the last part of this chapter right now and will have it up by this evening at the latest-complete with Bella on a pole!hahah**

**note: thanks for all the reviews you guys give-they are fun to receive!**

**note: humans are human, vampires are vampires...but I humanize the vampires for comedic effect**

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**JPOV**

Yet another night spent on Edward's love life-or lack of. This is getting ridiculous. But at least this mission will probably be entertaining. I snuck into Rosalie and Emmetts room. "Hey, Emmett-," I whispered.

"What?"

"Since you were in the mood for entertainment tonight, I thought I'd give you a heads up. Alice just asked me if I'd go climb up in the trees outside of Edward's room tonight and concentrate on calming Edward's mood...while Bella attempts to give him a pole dance..."

Emmett's eyes widened and he did a sort of jazz hands move over his head. "Ew, that's so naughty! Can I climb up with you? Bet you 10 bucks all your powers aren't going to stop Edward from freaking out and sending Bella to the corner with a time out for bad behavior!"

"Let's make it 20.00, and you have a deal."

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**APOV**

"Alice, I can't do this. I'm changing." Bella was dressed quite modestly for what she was about to do-cotton tank top-boy shorts set with pretty ankle strapped heels that technically could be used for a jazz class. 

"Calm down, Bella."

"He's not going to fall for this at all. There's nothing ballet-like about licking a pole!"

I sighed. "Bella, You took ballet as a kid-just throw in some plies and a fifth position in between the grinding and he'll be none the wiser! And don't forget-once the 15 minute "homework assignment" is up, you turn off all the heat and sex, climb into bed with him chastely, and fall asleep. It will drive him 10 times crazier if you aren't overeager to jump his bones like you usually are."

Bella looked confused. "But if he wants to move things farther, why would I stop him?"

What would Bella do without me..."Bella, the more you push the envelope sexually, the more Grandpa Edward comes out to enforce boundaries. Trust me, if you give Edward just a taste nightly of the possibilities between you two during "homework time," but then take charge and insist on enforcing the boundaries he's set up physically...how do you think he'll respond?"

She shrugged her shoulders. 

"The more you try to enforce the rules, Bella, the more Dirty Eddie will come out to play. He'll try to undermine the rules and your resolve--JUST LIKE YOU DO WITH GRANDPA EDWARD!"

Bella just shook her head slowly. "Remind me to never bet against you Alice."

A knock was heard on the window, and I opened it quickly - it was Rosalie. "Bella, you better be ready to burn that pole up," she hollered. "Cause Tanya is totally chatting up Edward down the hall braless in a white, see-through wife beater."

Bella's head turned sharply. "What did you just say?" 

"You heard me. And if I were you, I'd fight fire with fire. Get out of the cotton panty set and put on that hot white lace number instead. Pronto." Bella was cursing under her breath as she retrieved her white lace outfit.. "Alice, come tease my hair now! I need Bardot sex hair stat. And take out Dirty Eddie's 80's Big Hair Metal Sex Power Hits---now is as good a time as any to introduce myself to Tanya."

I whispered in Rosalie's direction: "Tanya is such a blessing in disguise. It totally fires her up!"

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**BPOV**

I was in my new white lace "ballet-ates workout" lingerie(**photo in my profile**), Alice just sexified my hair, I put on a sexier set of ankle strapped heels, and Rosalie was cueing Edward's atrocious 80's sex power hit CD. But before I went out-I just had to take a sneak peek. At Tanya. I slowly tilted the door open-and my heart sank.

She was beautiful-like almost at Rosalie's level. If Carmen Electra and Pamela Anderson circa 1994 and D cup breast implants mated, Tanya would be their offspring. Suddenly I felt like a shapeless, homely, mousey little girl playing dressup. It seemed so desperate, all my makeovers and pole buying. Tanya could probably simply throw her ginormous boobs out at attention and get more interest from Edward than I could dancing naked on the pole for five hours.

"You guys, I really, really can't do this. Look at her. And then look at me-I feel like a total idiot!" I sunk onto his bed, wanting to disappear.

Rosalie smirked. " I"m twenty times hotter than her. Which means you are at least 1 time hotter than her, Bella. And besides, her nipples are all cockeyed-if they were a pair of eyes, they'd be cross-eyed and wearing Coke bottle glasses. Does a lined bra ring a bell for her-"

Alice jabbed Rose and then sat beside me. "Bella-don't forget. Edward could have had Tanya, but he showed no interest. You are who he wants."

I shook my head. " My mind knows that, Alice. But when I look at her, something inside me tells me I'm not good enough. And I freeze."

Alice looked over at Rose. "I think we need to bring the life coaching big guns out Rose...Bella, we have some listening and communication devices here. You know how Kevin Costner communicated with Whitney Houston in "The Body Guard" via tiny ear devices?" Alice's frame of references for all human experience were always limited to movies, and usually really cheesy ones at that.

I nodded yes.

"We have such a set. What if we give you one to listen in on in your ear, and Rose and I guide you through the next several minutes? That way you won't feel alone."

Rosalie's eyes lit up. "Oh, Bella, I will totally guide you through talking to Tanya.I bet I can make her feel like shit in under two minutes!"

"And I'll guide you through the pole dancing," Alice chimed in.

As ridiculous as this sounded, I felt relieved-even emboldened by the thought that I could literally channel Rose's bitchiness and Alice's grace for the next 15 minutes."You guys are the best sisters a girl could ask for...Let's do it."

They started fitting the ear piece in me and I took a deep breath for what was to come.

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**JPOV**

Emmett and me watched in amazement from the trees as our girls were fitting Bella with electronic devices in her ear.

"Dude, we seriously need to get them out more before they turn any more 007 on us. What's next? Giving Bella a poisoned dart pen to shoot Tanya with?"

"Shhhh," Emmett said. "Rose has good hearing and they are coming our way now. Don't give her any more ideas!"

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**EPOV**

Tanya wouldn't stop talking. I was only 20 feet from my door when she caught me and started having one of her "heart to hearts" with me again. Unfortunately, it's a one sided heart conversation, because I didin't want to get personal with her about my relationship with Bella or inquire further about her problems with finding the right vampire. 

"Well, Tanya, thank you for your concerns about my human fiancee, but I think you once you meet Bella you'll better understand my peace of mind. She's an old soul with a pure heart."

Suddenly my door opened wide. And holy hell almighty. There was Bella. In the smallest lace bottoms I've ever seen. On top was a see through lace top, and a white bra underneath. The babydoll Mike saw her in had nothing on this number. She is going to be the death of me-literally. Cause after I take her right here and now in the hall in front of everyone, Esme will castrate me and hang me up by my toes for showing such bad manners in front of company. **(I have the photo of this outfit on my profile). **

**--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**

**BPOV**

I opened the door and was encouraged by the response I got. Edward's mouth hung open and his eyes were all over me like a fat kid eyeing a Double Stuffed Oreo Cookie. But then I looked at Tanya. And her face actually looked mildly amused. I wanted to throw up...

"Can you hear me Bella?" Rose's voice came through the device.

I nodded slightly.

"Okay, start walking with as much confidence you can fake-you've got a good 20 feet to really make a first impression that you are marking your Edward territory with your hot ass and attitude." 

I started walking as sexy as I could, and found that my hips swayed side to side naturally in the heels and getup. Rosalie continued.

"Okay, Bella, now do exactly as I say--"

I swallowed hard with the next instructions, but I wasn't going to let Rosalie down. She knew how to make an entrance. I stopped right in front of Edward, scooped in for a big ass grab and said, "There you are." Edward's hips reflexively jutted forward as I grabbed him, only to knock into me-and my pelvis. He let out an oddly pitched whimper and tried to swing his groin backwards-only to swing back into my hand. He bit his lip and grimaced.

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**EMMETTPOV**

"Jasper, that's the same choking chicken whimper we heard in the woods that night! And I thought he was crying non wet tears of loneliness...Wow, for Bella's sake I hope he's not a screamer if that's any indication."

Rosalie hit me and motioned me to be quiet. "I've got a human to coach!"

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**BPOV**

Rosalie gave me the next directions. Edward's unhinged reaction made me feel a little more comfortable with what I was about to do. I finally turned in her direction.

"And you must be Tanya! Wow, I love your top! What do the letters mean though?"

Tanya looked at me a little uncomfortably. 

"Those letters on your top: M-I-L-F."

Tanya rolled her eyes slightly. "You don't know what a MILF is?"

Rosalie whispered in my ear, "Shake your head innocently "no." I obeyed. Edward chimed in, "I never knew what that meant either. " I tried not to break into a smile.

Tanya looked at Edward's innocent face worriedly and slowly explained. "Well, I"m a mom you know, but I would like to think my motherhood doesn't slow me down from being a desirable woman. And so I thought this top represents that fact."

Edward and I still stared at her expectantly, waiting for her to spill the beans. She sighed.

"Fine, it means "Mother I'd Like To F."

Edward's face was priceless-it recoiled in distaste. Rosalie then briought me on home with a double hitter: "Well, Tanya, I think you should be proud for being such a hot mom! You are gorgeous. And your daughters follow in their mother's footsteps, I see. I'm going to have to keep an eye on them, especially that beautiful Moni-- I sure wouldn't want to lose my Edward to one of them!" Tanya's face fell in horror with the suggestion I was considering her own kids the competition instead of her. But Rosalie wasn't through. I took Tanya's hands and looked into her eyes, "And Tanya, I know how close you are to the Cullens and I want us to be close too. So, I hope we get to know eachother well enough that by the time you leave, you can think of me as one of your own as well. I would love that for us." I gave her a kiss on the cheek as instructed and then swiftly turned around. "I'll let you two get back to talking, I'll just be in the bedroom, Edward.Take your time."

Rosalie was still yapping in my ear: "Take your walk more slowly, and swish your hips out a little more. Good. Edward's watching your every step. Now slowly crawl onto his bed on all fours, arch your back so your ass sticks out all pertly, and throw a sly smile over your shoulder."

I comply with her instructions.

"Holy hell, Bella, that smile did it! Edward just walked away from Tanya without saying a word and he's coming your way. I'm giving you over to Alice now. I think your big ballet-ates number is up!"

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	14. Sweet Cherry Pie

**Chapter 14: Sweet Cherry Pie**

**note: I"m going on vacation tomorrow, but I"ll update again around next Thursday.**

**note: Bella's "Ballet-ates" routine is danced to this song if you want to listen: **

**The link is also on my profile.**

**note: Thanks for reading and reviewing-your feedback really helps to shape the story and my ideas!**

**EPOV**

I rushed past the door and slammed it shut. Part of me wanted to run, because I knew I wasn't thinking straight. But for once I didn't want to think at all_**a/n**__: Darn that JAsper and his ability to make you feel all cozy___

"You already done talking, Edward?" She was still on all fours looking over her shoulder, knowing full well her small talk wasn't even registering with me. 

I was about to grab her hips with both hands when she let out a scream and started crawling faster towards the pillows at the head of my bed. In one small leap I was crouched over her and turning her upwards to face me. "Don't think you can pull a stunt like that without any sort of retaliation on my part?"

She feigned innocence. "What stunt?"

I'm going to hell for what my mind was planning at this very instant-just hours after swearing I was going to be the perfect gentleman from here on out...I lowered my hands and clasped onto each cheek tightly."This stunt." 

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**EmmetPOV**

"I just figured out today that Edward is a real ass man..."

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**EPOV**

I lowered myself slightly and began to kiss her, but she stopped it short. She wiggled out of my grasp, and then motioned me with her hands to roll over-until she was on top. "Oh, but THIS stunt is totally okay." She began to do mini-pushups with her arms while straddling me, "Does this feel good Bella? Say my name Bella!" She was laughing as she was about to get off me, but I held onto her hips so she couldn't move. "Don't get off."

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**BPOV**

He threw in a crooked smile and a wisp of hair falling over his eyes as frosting on top of the "Don't Get Off." How was I going to say no to that, when I've been the one begging the very same thing for months now?

"Bella...Bella, listen. This is important..." Shut up, I wanted to tell Alice! "Jasper is picking up on Edward's emotions, he's conflicted right now, even if he's not showing it. And he may not be showing it because well...Jaspers' influencing his mood somewhat. Please, remember what I told you about pulling on the brakes until the right time."

ARGGGGH...I hate having to be the sexually designated driver now! I looked down at Edward's beautiful face. "Honey, I'd love to stay right where I"m am. But until you honestly have a change of heart of what you are comfortable with sexually, I think it's best that I do get off." I kissed him on the lips and rolled on the side of him. He cringed and put his hands over his eyes. "Well, that's a first for us, having you be the responsible one." We both let out a laugh. "But honestly, Bella, I don't think you are helping things wearing...THAT..." He pointed at my lingerie as he shifted to his side and supported himself on his elbow.

"Bella, a rose by another name..." Alice said in my ear. I looked down innocently. "You mean this? It's just a ballet-ates workout outfit. It helps you see while you are exercising if you are working the right muscles correctly." I could hear Alice clapping her hands in the background with joy at my first rose-ism.

He furrowed his eyebrows. "Well, maybe if they made it out of burlap it would be easier to handle than all this lace..." His thumb was absent mindedly playing with the top band of my panties. He set a finger in between my skin and the band, tapped it lightly, and then looked down at me earnestly. Wow, Alice's plan was working already. I may like being the sexually designated driver afterall..

I rolled off the bed quickly. "And with that sexy look Edward, I better get going with Alice's homework assignment. Please don't laugh okay? I feel so dumb right now..." I picked up his remote control for his CD player while I headed to the pole." I hope you don't mind if I use more modern music-the classical music they use in class is too slow and I'm not strong enough to move with that much control yet."

Alice squealed in my ear, "Good answer!"

Oh, hell...oh hell...the music is playing...Cherry Pie is playing and Edward's looking at me...Please don't let me look like an ass...Alice, please guide me so I don't look like a pidgeon toed duck with cramps...here goes nothing...

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**EPOV**

I sat on the bed, not really knowing what to expect from a ballet-ates workout. I thought the sight of Bella in a state of undress and heels was a big enough present. But "Cherry Pie" started blasting. And then Bella channeled someone other than the girl who tends to have bad posture and hides behind her hair. She jutted out her breasts and her chin- and then started moving in ways I honestly didn't think she could. Goddamnit, how many times is this girl going to make me fish for a binder notebook today...

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_"She's my..cherry pie...cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise...looks so good brings a tear to my eye...sweet cherry pie..._

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**BPOV**

"Play it slightly shy, Bell at first, and remember to frame all your pole dancing in "rose by another name" speak," Alice whispered.

"Okay, I have to do the warm-up stretches first, Edward, let me try to find the beat..."

I grabbed the pole with my right hand and walked a full rotation to the beat until my back was facing Edward. Alice chimed in.

"Stay right there! now sway side to side, lowering yourself with each hip thrust--and don't turn your toes inward or you'll look like you are cramping again!"

Here goes nothing.. I flipped my hair back and followed the instructions...

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_"Swinging on the front porch, swinging on the lawn, swinging where we want cause there ain't nobody home..."_

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**EMMETPOV**

"Niiiiiiccce..." I slapped Jasper, sometimes he's such a perv. "What? I didn't think she had it in her. That's all." 

Alice was speaking in her 007 headset.. "Awesome Bella, keep going lower...that's it...now grind a little when you are as low as you can go. Perfect!"

I chimed in, "Tell her he's readjusting his pants already-he's putty in her hands. And I always catch Edward watching BET's "Rap City"--tell her to do a little hip hoppy booty pop while she's facing away from him...he'll go nuts."

Alice turned towards me. "Emmett, I didn't know you were so intuitive in the art of allurement!" She smiled. "Yeah, do what Emmett just said Bell after the grinding, and then throw in a plie to cover your ass...well, obviously your ass is techincally uncovered in those cheekie panties you are wearing...but you know...Hey-where did the backpack on Edward's lap come from?"

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_"Swinging to the Left, and Swinging to the Right, If I think about Baseball, I'll swing all night..yeahhh..._"

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**EPOV**

Her back facing me, she was swaying her hips hypnotically to the throbbing beat of the music while bending lower each time.The very music I'd spent countless nights fantasizing about her to. In next to nothing on her bottom half(**picture of the outfit on my profile). **If that wasn't bad enough...Once she reached the floor, she quickly stood back up facing squarely away from me, both arms grabbing the pole, arching her back, and jutting her ass out front and center. And then she began to booty pop. Not like those sad looking, pidgeon toed, booty pops you see stupid drunk soriority girls doing for Joe Francis during Daytona Spring Break on those "Girls Gone Wild" commercials. No--we are talking certified booty pops that any hip hop video vixen would approve of. My sweet Bella, doing a dirty, dirty booty pop in next to nothing...Hey wait a minute, what the hell kinda of ballet is this? Oh...there's a plie...never mind... I need a pillow, the backpack's not enough at this point to settle down Old Faithful. 

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**EMMETTPOV**

We all watched in awe as Bella pulled off some major booty popping skills. 

"That was filthy. But amazing." Jasper thinks if he says dirty things in a Dr. Spock voice, it sounds objective for some reason. I smacked him again.

Alice started throwing out more commands, "Bella... time for your "back stretches." She did air quotes.

I threw in, "And tell her to shake her hair more. Never underestimate the power of hair shaking!"

Alice looked my way, tickled pink by my contributions. "Emmett, you are the Dr. Drew to my Dr. Ruth!"

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_"Swinging in the Living Room, Swinging in the Kitchen, Most people don't, cause there too busy bitching, Swingin' in there 'cause_

_She wanted me to feed her, So I mixed up the batter, And she licked up the beater,"_

_-------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

**BPOV**

Crap, the "backstretch" move is the very move I fell flat on my face with today. I wish there was a stripper saint to plead to right now for divine intervention...

I needed to face Edward better though, so I swung around the pole swiftly with my left leg grounded at first, then lifting it back with my other leg as my arms balanced me solely around. . Woah! Where did that come from-maybe there is a stripper saint out there helping me out. Edward was impressed with that-he nodded my way.

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**EPOV**

That's a good girl, you keep working that pole and smiling at your big papi...uh, I mean vertical workout bar and your loving fiancee...I'm being a pig...look at her ass right now...I'm going to hell...

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_"I scream you scream, We all scream for her, Don't even try 'cause, You can't ignore her"_

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**BPOV**

Once I was facing Edward at 3:00 on the pole, I mentioned innocently, "And this is the back stretching exercise we do, it's very effective..." Alice was giggling in my ear.I smiled over at Edward--why the hell is there so much crap on top of his lap? I can barely see his face.

I grabbed hold of the bar over my head with both hands, and did a leap. I threw my legs around the bar and closed them tightly together, parallel with the ground. I then spread them apart slightly, slowly...

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**EPOV**

She was suspended in the air, legs extended straight out around the pole, when she began to spread them slowly as she began to bend her knees. While looking at me. I can't take much more. My poor penis is going to explode. Thanks ballet-ates, now I have to add another pillow on my lap...

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**BPOV**

I then spread them apart slightly, slowly, and crossed my legs, straddling the pole tightly. I let my left arm drop from the pole, arched my back as far as possible, let my head fall back, and then shook my hair with my free hand.

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**APOV**

"Aw, Emmett, that was a shoutout to you!"

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**EPOV**

Maintaining that position, she slid slowly down the workout bar. I couldn't take it anymore watching her straddling that damn workout bar and sliding all over it half naked. I had to distract myself or I was either going to a) Literally throw her off the pole and onto my bed or b) start relieving myself right in front of her because I couldn't handle the pulsing pressure anymore. Both options were unacceptable. I rifled through my backpack and got out my trusty old binder. I had an essay due tomorrow. I needed something else to concentrate on...

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**BPOV**

Once I got to the ground, I slid back up to my feet slowly, sticking my rump out slightly. I took a couple steps and took a turn while holding onto the pole with one hand, and landed straight in front of Edward, my feet together. I reached over my head and grabbed onto the pole lightly with both hands upside down and thumbs down. I then slowly slid down again, with my legs together. I was enjoying the moves so much to the music, my eyes were closed. When I got down to the floor I put one hand down, slid it slowly over one thigh, quickly spread my legs apart--and slowly shut them again.

And then I opened my eyes. To see Edward--peeking in my direction, but also writing in his notebook as well.

"What the hell, Edward?" I jumped to my feet and stepped back down onto his floor.

"What, "He said innocently.

I just shook my head in disbelief. "Damnit Edward, this is Saturday night all over again. Except I'm showing my ass more and Tigger isn't covering my areola."

He craned his head to the side in defeat. "I'm sorry."

I walked over to him. "It just makes me feel bad honestly. Like I"m always knocking you over the head trying to get your attention. Unsuccessfully. I"m so tired of feeling like I hold no interest for you!"

"Bella, that's not it at all."

"Then what is it Edward? All I see right now is my boyfriend building a fortress between me and him with pillows and backpacks and doing his homework when I'm trying to share something with him. And frankly it's making me feel ugly that I can't even interest you enough to look at me without distractions for 5 minutes."

Edward grabbed my hand. "You have to understand what's going on. It's embarrassing for me to explain, but you have to realize--"

"What, Edward?" I sat on the edge of his lap-since the rest of his lap was being occupied by various inanimate objects.

He threw off the pillows so we could see better, and we both had to laugh at that gesture.

"Bella it's hard for me to maintain...my composure around you as it is. And when that happens, I have to redirect my attention. And today, it's been that much worse. I feel like I'm literally going to combust right now."

I sighed and tried to lift the notebook binder off his lap. But he quickly held it where it was and said, "NO. Not a good idea right now."

I tried not to smile too widely while I turned around and straddled him. "Why is it not a good idea?"

"BELLA...stop..."

"Edward, you know how much you love it when I blush at the very touch of your hand?"

He nodded.

I firmly took hold of the notebook while maintaining my gaze at him. "Well, Edward, how is this---" I quickly grabbed the notebook and threw it over my shoulder--"any different Edward?" I looked down and then winked at him, while he tried to reposition himself.

"Bella, a blush is a little more socially acceptable..."

"We are in your bedroom. And just like you love that my blushing is a sign how much I affect you, I love to know I can make you "blush" too."

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**APOV**

Oh my hell, I think that was the best "a rose by any other name"-ism I've ever heard! That Bella's a fast learner."

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**EPOV**

"Silly Bella, you make me "blush" constantly." I grabbed her hips on both sides and began kissing her deeply. She responded eagerly for a minute but then pushed me away.

"Okay, loverboy, it's time for bed. I"m bushed." She jumped off my lap, got into my bed, and plopped under my covers with her back facing me. I slid right next to her to cuddle up next to her. She felt amazing.

"Do you mind I"m "blushing" into you right now, love?" I wanted to make sure she was really okay with the non-notebook version of Edward.

"I don't mind it all..." She giggled, and quickly fell asleep.

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	15. Mary Ann is to Doogie As Ginger is to Mc

**Chapter 15: Mary Ann is to Doogie As Ginger is to McSteamy**

**note: Hi, I just got back from vacation and I feel out of practice writing this story-so this chapter is a little rough.lol**

**note: thanks for all the reviews-I love reading all of them!**

**note: the vampires are vampires, the humans are human. But I humanize the vampires to a large degree.**

**note: Quick recap-this is the morning after Bella's first day back with Edward-where she tried out her new sex look on all the boys at school, worked Edward out on an air mattress in Mike's store, and worked the "ballet-ates" pole in Edward's room, to Edward's pleasant surprise.**

**BPOV**

It was almost impossible to get out of bed today for school. Yesterday had been such an emotional roller coaster for Edward and me, but ended in the sweetest way possible-- with Edward laying beside me all night without ever moving from my side. A first. This morning he even propositioned that we skip school and just stay in the same position spooning for the duration of the day. Only Alice's scrawny yet massively strong arms jabbing Edward out of the way while scooping me out of bed for "hair and wardrobe" stopped me from saying yes.

"Oh, Bella-he was making a INDECENT proposal right there, the little bugger. I'm going to have to watch him like a hawk from here on out, because he's slowly opening the floodgates to Freakyville. We need to definitely dress you a little more understated today so that he can catch his breath after yesterday. Now--push your boobs more to the center of the bra though so you create more cleavage."

"Nice oxymoron there Alice-let's be more understated today...and now push your boobs together to make cleavage."

She just winked. "Oh, you love being a vixen and need very little prompting from me. You did such an awesomely seductive job with your Carmen Elecktra ballet-ates pole yesterday, you are being rewarded with a night off this evening. And it will be Edward's turn to do a little work." She smiled very mischievously.

"Allliiiceee...I don't like that smile."

She raised an eyebrow. "Oh, I think you'll like what I have planned very much.Now let Rose finish up with hair and makeup and meet me down in the kitchen. Pronto."

**EPOV**

I was sitting on the kitchen countertop, impatiently waiting for Bella to emerge. Part of me liked seeing Bella dressed up-she looked amazing yesterday and I don't think it was a coincidence that she also gave off an air of self assurance I've never seen from her before. She hardly noticed Tanya's presence, and before she used to obsess about her being some romantic rival! But part of me dreaded more cat calls at school today. I'll deal with it though, because what matters is Bella finally feeling herself as the beautiful young woman she is. Hmmm...Bella feeling herself...shut up Cullen, you pig...

"Rose, Alice! Leave Bella alone already, she needs to eat breakfast before we go!"

Just then Tanya sneaked up behind me and snaked an arm around my waist. "Good morning, Edward. I'm glad I finally got to meet your human companion last night." She smiled like a cat who ate the canary. What was that about?

"Her name is Bella. B-E-L-L-A." I hated how she called her a "human companion"--it sounded like a breed of pet, like "Golden Retriever."

"Yes, Bella, excuse me. She's very...enthusiastic. But that's to be expected from a curious girl of 18 I suppose." I finally got her smirk. She was implying that Bella was some hot little thing ready to go buck wild in life and I was just a notch on her belt, not her husband to be.

"Yes, she's enthusiastic and beautiful and smart and insightful and intuitive and--"

Rose, Alice, and Bella walked in right then. Bella's face looked flawless again-not much makeup, but lipstick that drew attention to her lips. She had a high ponytail with dangling hoops that was swaying back and forth in the most appealing way. She was dressed in super skinny black capris, espadrilles, and top that she tied at the bottom in a knot-which exposed a part of her ab area. Wow, Alice would have been so proud of me with my ability to queer eye each article of clothing! Sigh. Get ready for more catcalls, Cullen**.(photo of the "Mary Ann" outfit here is in my profile)**

I guess my concerned look was apparent because Rose started in. "Oh stop moping that you have a hot girlfriend Edward. I even wore a deep V-neck sweater today so that I take some attention off Bella for your peace of mind with the schoolboys."

I started to laugh. "Aw, what a thoughtful sister! Now enough small talk-Bella, grab some cereal so we can head out..."

Bella walked over my way but instead of greeting me she gave Tanya a kiss on the cheek. "Good morning, Tanya." Tanya forced a smile as she slowly removed her arm around my waist. Bella touched my shoulder softly then went on to making herself some cereal. Jasper and Emmett then quietly appeared at the kitchen door, waiting for us to finish. Or else hoping a catfight would erupt soon.

Alice casually walked right in front of me. "OH--wait! Before I forget. Bella-now that you are 18, it's important to take care of all your human health needs. With Carlisle's blessing, I made an appointment for you after school for your first big girl gynecological checkup. 3:00 o'clock with Dr. Peter Facinelli , okay?"

No. Noo. Nooo. NO. Dr. Facinelli? The very doctor known around the hospital by nurses as--

"Dr. McSteamy? Dr. Italian Stallion? Dr. Feelgood? Get out of town! What I wouldn't do for a human cervix so I could get a pap smear from that man! " Rose's smile and wistful gaze made Emmett shake his head slightly.

Alice laughed. 'Yes, Bella, Dr. Facinelli is THE gynecologist of choice for Forks women. Appointments need to be booked months in advance given his uh...great reputation and "bedside manner." I was just lucky enough to get you in today because of a last minute cancellation. Make sure you are wearing clean underwear and all because it will be a full examination--'

"Ew, Alice, no chonies talk in the kitchen, please!" Bella looked at Alice mortified. I finally couldn't stay quiet any longer.

'Wait, a minute Alice. What kind of examination is Dr. "McSteamy"'--I air quoted--"giving Bella?"

"Well, the usual you know that's important for a young girl's health--a breast exam and --"Alice let that first exam dangle in the air with a smile Bella's way while Emmett and Jasper jabbed eachother simultaneously.

"Uh, why don't we wait on this Alice. I'm sure Dr. Simpson would be happy to see Bella anytime she wants." I was grasping at straws now by invoking the name of a gynecologist whose only "credentials" I cared about was he was roughly 75 years old and balding.

Rose's jaw dropped."Yuck, not Dr. Simpson! He's so old and hairy, his thick knuckle hairs will probably leave welts on poor Bella's breasts after he's done with her!"

I glared at Rose.

"What? It's true. Dr. Facinelli has huge, smooth, noncallused fingers that will take care of Bella and make the examination a pleasurable experience instead of torture with Mr. Boar-Haired knuckled Dr. Simpson."

Bella looked my way. "Edward, I'm sure it's fine. Why don't you come with me to the appointment and it will make it more comfortable for you."

I bristled at everyone thinking I was threatened--especially Tanya. 'I"m comfortable, really. It's just that all I know about Facinelli is that he's the "McSteamy" to Carlisle's "McDreamy" among the nurses."

Bella grinned "Well, if Carlisle gave his blessing on Dr. Facinelli, I'm sure he will be fine."

**BPOV**

Rosalie was a Godsend at school. Anytime she saw Edward look distracted from thoughts by surrounding guys in his head regarding me, Rosa would start walking with a little more jiggle in her step and Edward would instantly relax. There's nothing like a jiggling Blonde Bombshell to make the boys lose their minds!

After school, we headed to Dr. Facinell's office in silence.

"Does it bother you that I have Dr. Facinelli as a gynecologist, Edward? Or was that more of a reflexive response, given that Rose was goading you?"

Edward shook his head slightly. "I was being a little territorial, I'll admit it. I actually texted Carlisle earlier and he had only good things to say about Dr. Facinelli. It's just when Alice mentioned a breast exam, I wished you had a less attractive doctor to exam you like that. I'm being stupid, I know..."

I just laughed. "Well, if it makes you feel any better, most girls I know prefer an older, less attractive doctor as well to make things less self conscious. And let's be honest-my breasts aren't big enough to drive the Itailian Stallion wild..."

"Stop. I've told you before-you don't see yourself correctly. You are beautiful in every way and he'd have to be blind to not notice that." He shook his head at me like I was hopeless.

We waited a couple minutes in the waiting room, and then the nurse directed us to Dr. Peter Facinelli's office. I opened the door and tried with all my heart not to let my jaw drop. Thank goodness Edward couldn't read my mind because my mind was thinking, "Me likey the pretty doctor." In a word or four-the guy was gorgeous. Too gorgeous. I don't want my doctor being that handsome while he gives me a pap smear with my legs up in stirrups! Awkward...

Edward's arm around my waist stiffen.

**EPOV**

Great. Out of the countless gynecologists in Forks, Alice has to pick the guy who looks like a movie star. And he's looking at me like the cliched overprotective boyfriend with my arm around her waist.

_What a beautiful girl. She looks like Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island in that top and pants. Man, I was always had a thing for Mary Ann...Her boyfriend looks a little uncomfortable though. Let me make him feel more comfortable._

Dr. Facinelli's inner thoughts put me at ease somewhat. He acknowledged her beauty without being unprofessional and he wanted to put me at ease. I stepped forward.

"Hello, Dr. Facinelli. I'm Dr. Cullen's son, Edward. I just wanted to introduce myself before Bella and you get started."

Dr. Facinelli face softened. "Edward! Good to put a face to all the good things your father has to say about you. I'm glad to finally meet you."

_Oh, I misread his body language. He seems just like Carlisle described. A very polite boy._

I was feeling more and more comfortable as he greeted Bella. I offered to leave but Bella asked me to stay.

As they began to talk however, a few stray thoughts escaped that I picked up on though.

_So, her grandma died of Breast Cancer, important to note...wow, she has incredible abs in that shirt. Not even Mary Ann had abs of steel like that._

_Very good. I'll have the nurse take her to one of the rooms for a pelvic and breast exam. Breast exam... She has really beautiful breasts I have to admit, not large, but just right for her petite frame...wait, stop thinking like that...back to the subject at hand..._

_I was always a Mary Ann man...Mary Ann was sexy but warm...Ginger in contrast was such a bitch! I only seem to meet Gingers or Mrs. Howells in this damn town, and then I meet a Mary Ann and she's barely legal and dating a colleague's teen boy. He looks a little young for her actually-wait, don't go there..._

Although they were stray thoughts, I tried to reason with the fact he was attempting to reign them in.

With that Bella was off to the examination room. I was heading to the waiting room, when I heard his mind heading to Bella's room.

_I wonder if I should have the nurse give her the breast exam. I feel too attracted to her honestly. If she hadn't been wearing the Mary Ann half top, I would be totally okay. But nooo...she had to wear something too adorable for words. Ah, hell-Facinelli, stop being a boy scout. Give her the exam. It's not your or her fault she's young and beautiful. Why am I so nervous right now? Sigh,I need to get out more, maybe I'll sign up with Eharmony tonight..._

With that,he closed the door behind him in Bella's room. I walked over to the hall and heard their banter, but was more interested in hearing his thoughts.

"Now, Ms. Swan, I'm going to give you a quick breast exam and I hope that you begin to give self exams as well to keep on top of any changes you detect. It is usually the patient who detects the first signs of changes you know."

_Okay, I'm about to lift her garment. I shouldn't do this, I'm anticipating this too much. My hands feel a little shaky even.Okay, she just smiled at me, and I feel like we have a small connection. Like I"m the Professor to her Mary Ann. Mary Ann always had a little something for the Professor, right? What am I even talking about? Get back on topic, Peter...Somebody stop me..._

Your wish is my command. I knocked on the door at that moment. "Bella, I hate to bother you guys but there's a slight emergency at home. Could you reschedule so we could go right now?"

Dr. Facinelli jumped at the chance from the other side of the door. "Yes, Bella. Reschedule! Great idea. Just talk to the nurse up front-nice-to-meet-you-Bella-take-care-have-a-good-day-Mary-uh-I-mean-Bellismo-er-Bella." With that he zoomed out of the room while hurriedly saying goodbye to me.

**BPOV**

Our ride home was silent. I knew there was no emergency and I was feeling annoyed that the appointment was cut short just because Edward was being weird.

"What gives, Cullen?"

"I honestly was okay with the appointment, but then I heard his thoughts--"

"Oh geez, Edward."

"Wait-it wasn't that he was necessarily being inappropriate. It was more that he wasn't comfortable examining you since he found you..."

"What?"

"Attractive. He found you attractive, wasn't sure he wanted to give you the breast exam as a result, decided not to make a big deal about it; but once he was about to examine you, he literally said, "Somebody stop me."..."So I did."

I didn't know what to think, other than Edward really needed to get some sort of mental earplugs for his brain so he's not being bombarded with every thought that crosses people's heads. It was going to drive him nuts.

"All I can say Edward is that you are lucky it didn't work out with Rosalie because your head would have exploded by now with all the random thoughts guys think of her."

Edward was about to respond, but I put my finger on."Listen, I'm not in the mood to fight, but I do think I need to reschedule with Dr. Facinelli. I should have gotten a check up almost 6 months ago really."

Edward was quiet for a moment. "Well, Bella, I was wondering..."

"Yes?"

Edward stopped the car on the side of the road and then looked at me earnestly."Well, you know I've gone to medical school twice now."

"Yes."

"One of those times at Harvard too."

I just looked at him, not getting where he was going with this. Why was he giving me a resume of sorts?

"Well, Bella, I was wondering if maybe I could give you the breast exam."

Oh. My. God. Alice is so evil. Evil, evil little pixie. I zoned out for a moment and Edward took it as a sign of reluctance.

"Listen Bella, I promise I will treat it as a medical exam and not some creepy way to get to second base with you. I will look at it as objectively as I can and as a way to help keep the most precious thing in my world healthy .And that way we don't have to worry about rescheduling and waiting. I could examine you tonight. Right here in the car if you like..."

I tried not to smile. "Well, I will only agree if you promise to wear one of Carlisle's white doctor's coats with no shirt underneath, and I get to call you Dr. Doogie Howser the whole time you examine me. Screw Dr. McSteamy--Doogie the Boy Wonder is where it's at!"

He laughed. "Whatever turns you on, Bella."

Um, I think he'll find out very quickly tonight what turns me on.


	16. Father Knows Best

**Chapter 16: Father Knows Best**

**note: thanks for all the reviews-I read them all and love the feedback!**

**note: Don't be mad, the actual exam is not in this chapter, but it will be in the next chapter which I should have out by Monday or so.:)**

**EPOV**

"Edward Cullen, come to my office this instant." Carlisle's voice boomed out loudly the minute Bella and I walked through the door. Emmett mouthed an "ewwwwww" in my direction before I headed in.

"Edward, please sit down." Carlisle was still in his doctor's scrubs-his rare appearance at home during the middle of the day was most likely for me. Bad sign.

"Yes, Carlisle?"

He narrowed his eyes in my direction. "Dr. Facinelli called me earlier hoping that the family emergency that caused you to cut Bella's examination short was nothing too serious."

I fidgeted in my chair. "It's not as bad as it sounds-"

Carlisle shook his head. "Of course it's as bad as it sounds, Edward. I realize that you have a strong...passion for Bella. But to let that intensity actually get in the way of her getting a regular health checkup, Edward! It's inexcusable. " He was livid.

"Let me explain Carlisle please, before you say anymore." I elaborated how Dr. Facinelli's thoughts were conflicted and that at one point he asked for someone to stop him. "I was in control, Carlisle. I respected the fact that the whole time Dr. Facinelli had some improper thoughts, he was constantly reigning in those feelings and trying to stay on task. I only acted once he seemed like he didn't feel comfortable to move forward with the breast exam."

Carlisle shook his head slightly. "Edward, you need to show more restraint before you act on what you hear. His conflicting feelings are simply a sign of his respectability. I would only have acted if you DIDN'T hear any sort of conflict in his thoughts. But...what's done is done. Bella still needs to finish her checkup though. Would Bella like me to reschedule with Dr. Facinelli?" He saw me squirm. "Well, that's a question I'll pose to Bella, not you."

"Uh, actually Carlisle, the only part of the examination that didn't get finished was the breast exam. And um...I am going to give her the clinical exam."

Carlisle rolled his eyes dramatically. "Give me a break Edward."

I got defensive, "Hey, I've been to medical school twice! I know what I"m doing."

"You don't see the conflict of interest on your part in terms of wanting to give your own girlfriend a breast exam because you don't want Dr. McSteamy to touch her?"

I shot him a glare-he glared back. "Yes, I know his nickname, and I think his looks have everything to do with you leaving early." I tried to let that remark slide-because it was partially true.

"Well, Carlisle, I was hoping you could go over some things with me so that I DON'T go about it the wrong way. I'm serious that I want to be as professional as possible in how I examine her."

Carlisle just stared at me. "Well, FIRST of all, you should have someone present, just like a doctor would have a nurse present. Alice would be fine."

Crap...Alice sticking her nose in our private examination? I reflexively frowned. Carlisle raised an eyebrow. "Fine," I said.

"Secondly, I will give you some examination gloves that allow you feel the texture of the breast accurately--"

Crap. I wanted to use my bare hands to play doctor. I mean to examine her professionally. My bare hands on her bare breastsesses...

Shut up Cullen, you pig...

"Edward. Snap out of it. I swear you have been prone to daydreaming alot lately." I shook my head slightly and motioned for him to continue.

"I'll bring home an examination gown from work tonight for Bella to wear for the exam."

Drats. I was hoping she could wear that lacey Ballet-ates workout outfit for the examination. It's very easy access...

"You need to review the various steps associated with the exam, including checking her breasts while she sits upright as well as lying down."

My ears perked up--I will get to "examine" her in multiple positions? "Score." D'oh, I said that outloud.

"What?" Carlisle asked.

"Oh, I was just thinking about the score. Of the...baseball game. Seattle Mariners...game..they have one.."

Carlisle gave me a dubious look, but continued on in terms of what to remember for the upcoming examination on my part.

"Well, that's all for now, Edward. I need to get back to work. But promise me you will take this seriously, okay? I don't want this to turn into another "Newton's Camping Store" air mattress exhibition of your raging hormones, you hear?"

I froze right where I was and shot him a horrified look.

"Yes, Edward, I heard all about that too. Remember, there are no secrets in Forks, especially when they concern one of Dr. McDreamy's children." And with that, he walked out swiftly.

**BPOV**

The doorbell rang. "I'll get it!" I walked over to the door with Edward following me, fresh from his talk with Carlisle. And there he was, on the step, flowers in hand-- still in his work uniform.

"Bella! Aren't you looking ravishing as usual!"

Oh shit. It was Jeremy Dingleberry, the concierge from La Costa who Rosalie dared me to flirt with successfully in exchange for a monetary donation to Habitat for Humanity. He had his eyebrow arched all wannabe sexy in my direction. Someone needs to tell him it makes him look more parts Ace Ventura than the Rock.

"Uh, what are you doing here, Jeremy?" Edward was by my side at this point.

"Well, Rosalie thought you'd appreciate her giving me your number after our little run-in at the resort. Here, these are for you." He handed me flowers. Oh, hell's bells. I"m going to kill Rosalie.

--  
**EPOV**

I could hear his thoughts screaming out at me the minute I saw him at the door.

_Wow, she looks as hot as ever. Well, she'd look hotter in one of those hot babydolls she was showing off in the hotel lobby... _

"AMAZING!! AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO HASN'T SEEN YOU IN A BABYDOLL YET, BELLA?"I stormed off while seeing Tanya on the side of the room smirking. Stupid, dirty minivan owner.

**BPOV**

"Uh, Jeremy? Remember how I told you that I had a boyfriend who carries a concealed weapon? That was him. I'm sorry Rosalie mislead you--Rose!! Come clean up your mess! NOW."

Rose walked in, and then started laughing at the sight of Jeremy. My jaw dropped in her direction and she looked confused. "Oh, come on! You know it's funny.Jeremy, I told you to wear the bell hop hat, not just your bell boy coat! Bella loves a man in FULL uniform." Evil amazon. Evil, evil amazon.

I led her to the door to deal with Jeremy as I headed off in Edward's direction. Why is Edward always stomping off somewhere in the past couple days? Sometimes he totally acts like the chick in this relationship...

**EPOV**

Bella walked into my bedroom and she was pissed. "You know Edward, maybe you could use a bullhorn next time to announce that your skank of a girlfriend is showing her goods in babydolls to everyone but you. Just in case anyone all the way over in Forks didn't hear you scream that. Tanya just LOVED that little comment back there."

I rolled my eyes. "I heard his thoughts--"

"OH, NO. Not that excuse again. This is getting seriously old, Edward."

"Hey, it's not my fault he was thinking about how much hotter you'd look right now in one of those babydolls you showed him in the hotel lobby!"

She paused. "First off, apologize for your outburst. Secondly, I didn't try on a babydoll for him in the lobby. I just showed him a couple from my bag..." She trailed off.

"And you are showing resort staff your babydolls because..."

She sat down by me. "Because...I did it for the kids."

"What?"

"I showed him my babydolls to help the homeless kids."

I just stared at her incredulously.

"Look, Jeremy winked at me at the resort, and I looked down because I get embarrassed with that sorta mushy stuff, you know? Well, Alice and Rose think I need to woman up a little more and handle attention better. So, Rose offered to donate a thousand bucks to Habitat to Humanity if I would chat up Jeremy for a couple minutes to show I'm not such a coward. So YES-I showed Jeremy a couple of my babydolls for the homeless kids."

I breathed in deeply. "Fine, I"m sorry for the outburst Bella. But seriously, I think my sisters are the worst influence on you. Whether it's throwing you out of dressing rooms in lingerie for all the world to see, or screaming at the top of their lungs for you to strip, or paying you to help homeless kids by flirting. They are seriously twisted!"

She laughed. "They are! And I love them for it! And I think you'll love them for it too once you see some of the babydolls I bought for you. And ONLY you."

"Well, Bella, I think that you need to show me one of these babydolls tonight before Pete the Poolboy and Larry the Cable Guy try to sneak past me in line. Who knows if Rose will offer to save a starving child in Ethiopia if you flash Joe the UPS Dude some skin tomorrow. I can't believe I"m going to be third in line after Mike Newton and Jeremy the Bell Boy."

Bella paused and looked at me apologetically. "Actually Rose offered to save a starving child in Afghanistan yesterday. And his name is Darren the UPS guy, not Joe. He's partial to me in blue. Fourth in line isn't so bad though!" She started laughing when my eyes grew wide.

"NOT FUNNY."

She thought for a moment and made a slight pout. "I'm a little sad you don't find what I had on last night very appealing."

"Oh, of course it's appealing Bella! It's just that it's your Ballet-ates workout outfit, that's different." She looked like she wanted to let out a little laugh, but held it in while she kissed me on the forehead.

**APOV**

"Psst...Edward." I snuck into his bedroom when I saw Bella leave and locked the door.

"Alice, I have a bone to pick with you about some of your exploits this weekend with Bella.."

I scowled. "Oh, stuff it Edward. Stop being so uptight. You aren't her father. But that's not why I came in here."

"Why are you whispering, Alice?"

"Because this is between me and you. I think Bella is a little nervous about playing doctor with you tonight. So I thought you might need some pointers."

I whipped out a bag, emptied out the contents on his bed, and picked up a pair of men's silk pajamas I'd pick up this past weekend.

"Now, wear these tonight with no shirt. The shirt will inhibit your arms from doing their handy work, and these pjs are very soft and will feel good against her--if uh, they happen to come in contact with her skin during the examination." Nice recovery, Alice.

He nodded slowly. "Good point about not wanting to inhibit my arms. But she requested that I wear a doctor's white lab coat without a shirt underneath already."

I muttered, "Role playing-nice touch Bella. Very kinky."

"What, Alice?"

"Uh, nothing. Anyways, here's a CD with a song looped several times that will help her relax."

Edward picked up the Cd and his face widened in surprise. '"Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye?"

Oops. Think fast Alice. "DUH, Edward. Her breasts are a sexual organ, and you as a doctor are a healer. The song is sublminally letting her know that your touch is a healing touch, silly. It will help her relax."

"Ohh, gotcha." His face didn't seem completely convinced but he wasn't fighting it either.

And lastly, I held up the bottle and he read the front label.

"KY Warming Liquid? ALICE!"

"No, Edward, I don't want you to use it in the "traditional" sense. But don't you want your hands to warm up a little for the actual examination?"

He nodded.

"Just pour some of this stuff on her breasts and on your hands, and you'll have her and your hands warmed up in no time." I laughed but then tried to stifle it. "For the examination of course."

He smiled. "That's actually brilliant Alice. Thanks."

I put everything back in the bag, told him to hide it until tonight, and was out the door.

Operation Dr. McSecond Base is officially underway.


	17. All Wrapped Up In A Big Bow

**Chapter 16: All Wrapped Up In A Big Pretty Bow**

**note: This chapter is too long with the whole "exam" stuff, so I had to divide it up into two chapters. I'll have the other chapter up within an hour or so. Thanks!**

**note: thanks for all the reviews!**

**note: re: questions why Edward is so dirt dumb with Alice and her various manipulations. Edward in this story is on one hand a little dumb. But alot of it is mainly he is willing to go with the "benefit of the doubt" when it comes to Alice's scheming-cause let's face it, he gets to get away with murder while still not getting caught with his hands in the cookie jar!:)**

**APOV**

"Pssst...Bella..." I snuck into his bedroom when I saw Edward leave and locked the door.

""Why are you whispering, Alice?" Bella was lying on Edward's sofa, doing her homework.

I whipped out a bag, and emptied out the contents on the bed. I threw Bella the babydoll I had picked up last weekend for her-she can never have too many in her arsenal.**(photo in my profile). **

"Isn't this perfect for tonight, Bella? It's blue for Edward, it's easy access for playing doctor, and you are wrapped up in a big pretty bow-Edward will feel like he's 10 again on Christmas morning. Except now he's unwrapping his girlfriend's breasts instead of a tin drum or whatever the hell they played with back in 1910..."

Bella looked it over. "It's beautiful Alice. I love it-thanks." She looked a little nervous though.

"Isabella Marie Swan, why do you have a worried look on your face?"

She paused. "I just never knew there'd be so many preparations to mark going to second base with my boyfriend."

I laughed. "Well, you chose to pick the most sexually repressed vampire on earth to hook up with..."

She then picked up the CD from the bed and read the title. '"Nasty Girl?"

"Yes, Bella. I know I told you you had the night off, but just a couple minutes on the pole will be so beneficial. Put this song on, and do some ballet-ates on the pole before the actual examination. It will calm Edward's nerves if he sees you "working out" first before the examination."

"How so?" She looked unconvinced.

"Well, a part of him truly wants to be professional about the examination. But the other Dirty Eddie side who just wants an excuse to touch you will win out in the end if he has to watch you pole dance before playing doctor."

I stuffed everything back into the bag, told her to hide it until tonight, and reminded her I needed to do her hair and makeup early. I was planning on getting the family out of the house with a baseball game. A storm was brewing, and with all the talk of second base, I thought I might as well seize the moment with a baseball game.

**EMMETPOV**

All three of us brothers were outside working on my Jeep in the garage. Everyone heard Carlisle's interrogation of Edward, so we were aware of Dr. Edward's big "debut." Jasper and I thought we'd make sure he didn't have any questions about how to go about "the exam."

"So, Edward, we all heard you are giving Bella a breast exam tonight."

Edward pretended he didn't hear me. He continued to work silently. He looked mortified though. I instantly felt bad.

"Listen Edward, it's none of my business."

"Yes, it's not Emmet, so please drop it."

I decided to do what I usually do with Edward when he's being stubborn-I pretended to be talking to Jasper instead while letting Edward passively hear.

"You know Jasper, breast exams are alot like baseball."

Jasper closed his eyes and shook his head.

"How well the breast exam goes depends on how you arrive at second base. If you are too slow getting from first to second, you might strike out with your "patient."

Edward pretended to be ignoring me, but with that last sentence, he couldn't help but look in my direction with some curiousity. He was definitely listening with interest.

"But think of Pete Rose, one of baseball's living legends who was famous for stealing second base all the time." I whipped out a picture of Pete Rose in action.(**picture of Pete Rose Visual in my photo Profile)**

"Did Pete Rose walk meekly into second? Not a chance-the man slid into second base, head first, with full force."

Edward looked at the picture intently.

"And THAT-Jasper, is how you slide into second base without striking out."

I walked by Edward inconspicuously, and quietly handed him the Pete Rose picture. "Put that up on your wall for inspiration tonight. Go get her, Tiger."

**APOV:**

"Alice, this looks ridiculous. I look like I"m playing dress up."

"That's the point, Edward!" I made Edward try on Dr. McSecondBase getup quickly. Bella was going to have a coronary when she saw Dirty Eddie looking like this.

He looked at me suspiciously.

"Well, Edward, you aren't a certified MD. You are technically a med student. At least this makes you look more legitimate to play doctor now."

He pursed his lips at me."I'm not playing." I"m not even going there, liar, liar, pants on fire.

"So, just a heads up, brother dearest-I'm getting the whole family out for some baseball tonight so that no one is listening in on your examination. Poor Bella needs privacy. And before the examination, let Bella practice her bella-ates a little bit. It will help calm her, okay?"

He nodded absentmindedly. "But Alice, aren't you suppossed to be present for the examination? That's what Carlisle wanted."

"We'll just pretend we did the examination earlier if Carlisle inquires, okay? I really don't think I need to be present as your fake nurse assistant."

"Are you sure, Alice?" He's the worst liar. Like he wasn't doing jazz hands in his head that I was going to be Missing In Action.

"Yes, kiddo-I trust you to do the right thing. " And by right, I mean right by Dirty Eddie's standards. I socked him in the arm, and headed out to the foyer to get everyone herded out to our favorite baseball clearing.

**EPOV:**

"Bella? Everyone's gone to play. I thought maybe it would be a good idea to do the clinical exam done now before Alice and Rose get back to listen behind our bedroom door." My attempts at a joke fell flat-Bella wasn't even laughing behind my bathroom door.

"Oh, sure. I'll be right out." The door opened, and there she was--in a babydoll that made me drop my jaw reflexively. --

**next chapter will be up very soon.**


	18. Dr MC

**Chapter 18: Dr. Mc ...**

**note: If anyone can help me out with this--I learned hot to finally link on my bio, but now for some reason, the "chain icon" that I was using to link is not clickable now. Does anyone know why that would be?**

**note: thanks for the reviews!**

**BPOV**

The look on Edward's face was how I was feeling inside. Edward had silk pj bottoms on that were loosely tied at his hipbones, and were threatening to fall down even lower. Like he promised, he wore no shirt-just a doctor's coat that exposed what looked to be a 12 pack instead of six pack-hell, make that a baker's dozen! And to top it off, he was wearing a stethoscope around neck. I have no real idea what a stethoscope is used for in a breast exam, but it reminded me of a dog leash that would be helpful for yanking Edward on top of me.

He watched on as I stared at him wide eyed and silent for what seemed like minutes. He anxiously ran his hand through his hair self consciously, and it only pushed me over the edge.

"Helllllllo, Dr. McFuck Me." His eyes got wide and he opened his mouth, but a flattered smile was forming as well.

"Excuse me, Ms. Swan?"

I just kept shaking my head in wonderment at the beauty before me. "I"m sorry, Edward, but I've never seen you look more hot, and that's saying something. From here on out tonight, you are known exclusively as my own personal Dr. McFuck Me."

He burst out in laughter, and started walking towards me. "And what should you be known as tonight from here on out? You've been looking hot since the minute I laid eyes on you, but I think this is definitely the most excruciating moment for me." He slinked his arms around my waist and was honing in for a kiss.

Our lips met for a quick second when I pulled away: "I"m Nurse Naughty."

"Oh, I think you are beyond naughty at this point, Bella." He let out a soft chuckle and tried to go back for seconds with the kisses; however, I pushed him away gently. As the newly established Sexually Designated Driver, I found alot of enjoyment in delaying his advances-- it made him try that much harder to break me down.

"Now behave, good doctor. We have a homework assignment and a clinical examination to get through before your exceptionally hearing prone family come back."

I walked towards his music system, popped in the CD, and positioned myself on the pole. He sat on his couch and winked at me encouragingly. The remix version of "Nasty Girl"(**song link provided in my profile**) started playing and the beat automatically made me start moving my lower body slowly while I took a grip of the pole. "I'll start with the warm up exercises again."

___That's right, pleased to meet u, I still won't tell u my name, Don't u believe in mystery? Don't u wanna play my game?_

**EPOV**

Bella slowly walked around the workout bar until she got to the 3:00 position in front of me. She gripped the pole with both hands, and then extended her left leg in front of the pole. She slowly wrapped that leg around the front of the pole and then bent her upper body over behind the pole-leaving me with the most incredible ass shot ever. Her upper body slowly straightened back up again. When her face moved past the pole on the way back up, she suggestively opened her mouth against the pole. While looking straight at me. And then it hit me as I got hard at the sight of her open mouth. I was going commando, wearing silk pj bottoms. Old Faithful was standing at attention and I looked like an idiot. I tried to casually take a pillow from the couch and lay it on top of my lap...

_Tonight, I'm living in a fantasy, My own little nasty world, Tonight, don't u wanna come with me?, Do u think I'm a Nasty Girl? _

**BPOV**

I was feeling a little cocky at the moment, so I tried a stunt I had yet to successfully complete in stripper ho practice with Alice.

I twisted my left shoe around the pole, jumped up and grasped the pole with both hands tightly, and then crossed my right leg around the pole for balance. While in mid-air on the pole, I slowly let go of one hand, leaned back as far as I could, and then began grinding slowly. And Dr. McFck Me was clearly enjoying the view.

**APOV--30 minutes earlier**

Emmett and me took the outfielder positions so he could keep tabs on any impressions I had gotten from back home.

"Is Edward okay, he's not crying up in a ball somwhere is he, Alice?"

"Nope, Emmett, so far, let's just say Bella just managed a base hit right now. I'll let you know if I get any other future impressions."

**EPOV**

She is the most dangerous creature, ever. She was looking me straight in the eye the whole she did that move. But suddenly she jumped off the pole and was pointing a finger at me.

"Edward, are you covering your blushes with a pillow again?"

I just shrugged slightly. She jumped off the workout bar foundation and sat right down on my lap--not helping matters.

"Give me the pillow right now, Edward. So help me. Or I will cover my cheeks from now on in retaliation."

I scrunched my nose up at her. "Edward, it's only natural and it's beautiful. And sexy..." She was smiling at me devilishly as she pulled the pillow off. She then scooted up higher onto my lap, making me wince pelvically.

"Bella...you are going to be the death of me."

"Glad to hear it." She lunged forward with a rash kiss and started weaving her fingers in my hair. That was it.

"Bella, get on the bed. Now."

**BPOV**

He didn't have to ask me twice. I did my Rose on-all-fours crawl across his huge bed to get to the headboard. I then turned onto my back. "What now Dr. McLovin?"

He laughed as he was getting something out of the closet. "I thought I was to be known exclusively as Dr. McDo Me tonight." He's such a boyscout, he won't even say the "F" word when it's a part of his title!

"Well, darling, I love you hopelessly. And I want to fuck you hopelessly as well. So, both names work in tandem-see?"

If he could blush--no, not the south of the border type of "blushing", but straight up cheek blushing--he would have right there. But he was liking my boldness, I could tell. I looked up on the wall while he was walking back to the bed. "Hey, what's up with the Pete Rose picture taped to your wall?"

**EPOV**

Okay, I needed to pull myself together. All the f-bombs dropping out of her mouth while she's practically naked is making me completely disoriented. Pete Rose, don't fail me now. I changed the CD, and "Sexual Healing" began play softly in the background.

I put up an authoritative index finger in Bella's direction. "Now behave for the next couple of minutes, Bella. Let's get the examination out of the way." Out of the way-I'm such a bad liar.

She smiled widely and simply nodded. I sat on the side of her. "Now, I don't want my fingers to be too cold for you, so I"m going to put some of this KY Warming Liquid on my hands to make them less cold. And...um, if you could put some of the liquid on your breasts, that will help with the temperature." I tried to smile confidently, but my hands were shaking slightly with what was about to go down.

"Now, Bella, I don't have a regular examination table, so would it be okay if for the first part of the exam at least, I sat on top of you?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I'd really mind having the guy I nicknamed Dr. McFuck Me straddle me in any capacity."

I grinned and gently sat on top of her as she squirmed slightly with a smile. My breathing was getting uneven already--I needed to calm down. "So, with the first part of the exam, I"m going to check your underarms and collarbone to look for any irregularities in texture or coloring." I slowly but lovingly checked both sides of her arms, and then headed for the collarbone. Her collarbone is so beautiful-it's one of my favorite parts of her body. All too soon, I was done, and dreading and anticipating the next part simultaneously.

"Okay Bella, now if you can undo your top, we will begin examining the breasts."

Bella softly smiled and held her stare in my direction as she slowly undid her bow and let the material fall to her sides.

"Oh, God, Bella, you are so beautiful."

_Ooh, now let's get down tonight, Baby I'm hot just like an oven, I need some lovin'_

**BPOV**

Edward's eyes were getting that droopy, sleepy look that makes me giddy as he eyed me all over.

"Honey, where's the KY Warming Liquid," I asked innocently.

Without taking his gaze off my body, he slowly handed it to me and put his hands back on his thighs. I flipped open the top and stared at him as I lifted the bottle and started letting the liquid gel fall haphazardly all over my breasts, with some of it sliding off to the sides of my body. "Can you help rub it in, honey?" I looked up at him helplessly.

He nodded slowly, and put his hands forward. But they froze in the air for a moment while shaking slightly.

**APOV-- 25 minutes earlier**

"Oh crap, Emmett! Edward just got his first strike!"

**EPOV**

I couldn't move my hands any farther. She looked so beautiful and all the thoughts in my mind right now were dirty. And wrong. It made me feel unworthy of even touching her. Here I"m suppossed to be giving her a clinical exam and I'm dressed up like a Chippendale's Stripper and asking her to spread KY all over her breasts. I"m a pig...

"Edward, snap out of it!" Bella laughed quietly. "Here." She put both her hands on top of mine and gently guided them downward. Within a second, I felt the slickness of the liquid-and the tightening of her nipples underneath my hands. I squirmed reflexively and sucked in a quick breath. I looked down and Bella's eyes were almost closed. "Rub it in, honey," she said in a small voice.

I began spreading and contracting my fingers, watching her breasts mold to the contours of my hands. I started rubbing my hands in an up and down motion, causing her nipples to drag slightly in both directions with my palms' movement. Bella responded quickly to that friction.

She called out my name in a low whisper. Between her softly moaning and the increasing warmth I was feeling from the KY, I thought I was going to explode. When she began to grind against me in time with my hand rubbing motions, I knew I had to either stop or else this was going to turn into something else. I hesitantly pulled my hands away and breathelessly announced, "The KY is rubbed in well enough."

**APOV-20 minutes earlier**

"Strike Two!"

_And baby, I can't hold it much longer, It's getting stronger and stronger, And when I get that feeling, I want Sexual Healing_

**BPOV**

I groaned in protest when Edward pulled away, but I tried to behave as he shakily put some KY on his hands. "Okay..."...uneven breathing..."Bella, I need to check your breasts and nipples now." Somehow, I noticed his demeanor change completely with the actual examination. He was looking at my breasts now with a doctor's eye, checking them with a doctor's hand. It was sweet in a way-I knew he wanted to make sure he didn't miss anything where my health was concerned. But damn, this concern for my health was a real mood killer!

**APOV-- 17 minutes earlier**

"STRRRRRRRIIIIIKKKKE 3! He's outta there..."

Emmett shook his head. "I even gave him a Peter Rose visual aid to remember to slide into second head first!"

**EPOV**

By the end of examining her breasts lying down, the electricity between us previously was all but extinguished. Part of me was regretful, but part of me was happy because there was no turning back if we headed in that direction. At least that's what Old Faithful was telling me. I smiled serenely at her.

"There, love. Now I need you to sit up so I can examine you upright." I was about to get off her, when she pulled me back in place.

"Wait! Give me your hands." Bella grabbed them before I could offer them.

"They are so warm, Edward." She put them against her cheeks. I leaned over her and gave her a quick peck. She smiled back, then grabbed my hand and kissed it. She licked the side of my palm and giggled. "The KY doesn't taste half bad either."

I felt a bit of a jolt. "Wow, you licking the KY made it even warmer. "

"Really?" She got a mischievous look on her face. She took my index finger, grazed against her still-slick breast and licked it. I let out a hitched breath, and that was all the encouragement she needed to begin sucking on my finger. Feeling it go inside her warm mouth, and feeling the KY make the sensation even more heated, was messing with mind.

"Bella..." I protested weakly, but made no attempts to physically stop her.

**APOV--13 minutes earlier**

"Ewwww...Bella just hit a pop fly--it's up to Edward whether it's a foul or homerun..."

**BPOV**

I know how Edward works. He'll let me have my way physically for a couple moments, but time is off the essence. So, I needed to act fast. It wasn't so much about gratifying myself right now,as it was about opening Edward's sexual floodgates that much more right now.

"Aren't you suppossed to check if I examine myself properly?" Edward nodded slightly.

I took the KY bottle and shook a couple more splashes on my breasts. "Tell me if this looks right, Dr."

I began rubbing in a circular motion the way I had seen in health films for PE class previously. But then I started branching out creatively-suggestive pulling on my nipples, squeezing both breasts in my hands at the same time. Edward's eyes were furrowing as he was unconsciously moving his pelvis slowly on top of me.

"Is that wrong, Dr. McFuck me?" I bit lip for maximum porn chick naughtiness. I'm such a cliche...

His voice, sounding thick and husky, responded, "More like this." He began kneading my breasts firmly--whatever he was doing, it sure as hell didn't look like his examination technique earlier.

I grabbed onto his stethoscope and yanked him towards my mouth. He pushed his lips to mine and deepened it without asking. His pelvis was moving rhythmically in time with his kneading hands, but I didn't like him being on top. That put him in control. And we all know how Edward's inner boy scout can cause alot of mischief on my road to getting laid. I broke our kiss.

"Aren't you suppossed to examine me on top now?" I gave him a mischievous grin and without thinking he flipped our positions. His eyes still had that glazed over look in them, but I knew they wouldn't stay that way for long.

As I straddled him, I let the KY bottle drip more liquid onto my breasts. "Then examine me, honey."

He frantically grabbed at my chest while I started grinding into him. "Damn, Bella." He jerked slightly as I began, but he didn't stop me.

I knew Alice would kill me later for not showing any restraint, but I didn't care. I began grinding him faster and harder, and Edward's only cover from my movement was a thin piece of Satin. Previously distracted by rubbing my breasts, Edward's hands quickly darted to my hips. Instead of stopping me, he began to push me down harder on his erection. "FUCK, BELLA..."

I watched as he convulsed and winced as he came, all the while still grinding slowly on him, not wanting to move from where I just staked my claim.

"Ahhh, Bella, stop grinding! I'm really sensitive in that area now..." He winced.

"Oops. Sorry." I slid off and gave him a quick kiss. " I made you say "fuck!"

He laughed sheepishly but was clearly embarrassed. " Bella, you have no idea how many times you've made me say that word to myself." He sighed and looked down on himself. "I'm really sorry. What a mess. You can't use your "blush" excuse this time, love."

I looked down. "You know how you think it's cute when I have allergies and I sneeze alot? Well, I think it's cute when you "sneeze" too. Sue me."

He just shook his head and put his hands over his eyes. "Bella, you are truly absurd." He peeked out the side of one of his hands. "But you are now officially beyond naughty. You are Nurse Nasty from here on out tonight."

**APOV: 11 minutes earlier**

"Oh, no she di'int! Our potential MVP is so getting Fined and Suspended!"


	19. Dirty Eddie's Last Stand

**Chapter 19: Dirty Eddie's Last Stand**

**note: You guys probably know this song already if you've ever been in a bar or a club where such cheesy activities as wet tshirt contests are present(lol), but since it figures into the chapter importantly, check out Kid Rock's "So Hott" video on youtube(just type in "so hott kid rock" in the search key) or check out my bio profile for a direct link under chapter 19. Seriously, listening to the song while I proofread it made me giggle.lol**

**note: Thanks for all the reviews! It's so fun to write for all the ladies!lol**

--

**APOV**

Emmett and I huddled in the corner of our living room trying to figure out how to proceed. Rose and Jasper were aware of what was going down; but in many respects, they were like the in-law relatives to Edward, and not the blood relatives the way Emmett and I were close to him. So they tended to stay out of the way while we worried too excessively over our brother's affairs.

"When did Carlisle say he wanted to talk to him," Emmett asked.

He's coming home early today and he'll do it then, " I answered.

Emmett furrowed his eyebrows. "What can we do in the meantime?"

I shook my head helplessly. "I think the only thing we can do right now is appeal to Bella's better sense. That is if she stop can straddling Edward long enough to let us get a word in edgewise. I've seriously created a monster with her."

Emmett let out a giggle. "I just worry, you know? That if he leans back on all that guilt and shame he bottles up, he will revert back to that Dr. Spock brother we had to watch for the last century. I don't want him reverting back completely to Grandpa Edward." He pulled away from me and yelled, " Jasper, Rose! Let's go."

Jasper and Rose walked in on cue. Rose cocked her head to the side. "Have you Hardy Boys solved the Great Mystery Case of Edward's Possibly Compromised Hymen" yet? Or do we have to wait for an actual examination from Carlsile before we can leave for school?"

Jasper snorted.

With that we heard two sets of feet coming down staircase. I braced myself for Edward's appearance--downtrodden, guilt ridden, ashamed, remorseful...

--

**EMMETTPOV**

"Hey, guys, we're ready for school too!" Edward was skipping down the stairs, two steps at a time. Bella was blushing by his side. Edward's face looked-how shall I put it? Amped. Like he had swallowed 5 bottles of wake-up pills while guzzling 10 gallons of Starbucks coffee simultaneously. His eyes were a little too bright and wide. His smile a littttttle too happy.

Alice scrunched up her nose at Bella. "Bella, you have two huge stains on your shirt around your chest. Edward--so do you!" It was true. It looked like Bella had dipped her breasts in a vat of oil and then put on her shirt right afterward. Edward's oil slick on his shirt looked less obvious, but it was still noticeable. Two orbs of grease around his pec area.

Bella looked down in horror while Edward simply laughed. "Oh, Alice, don't act so innocent. You are the one that gave me the KY Warming Liquid. You owe Bella a new shirt now. And me too--you should have warned me how hard it is to get it off before I let her fall asleep on my bare chest." He winked at Bella mischievously while Alice shot me a worried look.

"Let's go, sweet ass," he said to Bella, smacking her butt hard as they walked out the door. He stuck his head back in and whispered. "And don't come looking for us at lunchtime. If the Volvo's a-rockin, don't come a-knockin!"

"What the hell?" I murmurred.

Alice grabbed my arm. "This is worse than even I anticipated. We need to get Carlisle home right after school. It's not Grandpa Edward we have to worry about. Dirty Eddie has completely taken over."

--

**BPOV**

"I'll be waiting for you right here after class, don't be a minute late, love." Edward had me in a bear hug, but his hands were slowly moving down south to my backside.

"Edward!" I scolded him, but it didn't help to reign him in as I had a slight smile on my face. Ever since I woke up the morning after our "doctor's exam," he had been completely happy-and suprisingly unihibited. What a difference a day makes.

"What?" He asked casually, as his hands dipped under my miniskirt and grabbed hold of both cheeks forcefully, pushing me into his groin.

"Woah, Edward, down boy!" I started looking around-I like being spontaneous, but not completely exhibitionistic.

"Just a preview of what kind of lunch I"m in the mood for next period." He let go, honed in for a quick lick inside my ear, and was off to his classroom.

"Psssst...Bella! Over here!" Just as I was about to head into class, the little pixie appeared out of nowhere from the hallway corner. She motioned me over "Hurry."

Oh great, here comes my grounding from Mama Alice.

--

**APOV**

"Alllicccce, not now okay? Make me feel guilty after school-I have group project in English Lit right now..."

"Oh, I'll give you that speech eventually, don't worry. But actually this is more about Edward, not you."

She looked at me with alarm. "What about Edward?"

"Don't you notice a change in him? A very spiked change in his demeanor today?"

She smiled obliviously, no doubt taking his behavior as a sign of her effectiveness last night. Which wasn't far off. "A little."

"Bella, that's what I wanted to talk to you about really quickly. This is important. You know how I talk about Grandpa Edward and Dirty Eddie all the time? Like I give them full on names?"

"Yeah."

"Well, in some respects, they aren't just names. They are very real aspects of Edward's makeup, Bella. The psyche of us vampires are very different than a human's. Within our bodies we hold memories and personalities and characteristics of TWO existences. Our human existence, and our vampire existence."

Bella was listening intently now.

"Sometimes it's very hard to reconcile the two existences, two selves, within us. Many vampires simply let the human self die as they completely embrace their vampirehood. But as "vegetarians," we actually encourage keeping the human self alive and well-because it's that self that makes us stay on the vegetarian straight and narrow morally."

Bella nodded, "Okay. I"m with you so far. And actually that makes sense..."

"Now Bella, Edward has taken it one step farther than any of us--by falling in love with a human. He's had to ressurect his human self in a much more complex way than any of us have had to. It's that human part of him that allows him to love you and be around you constantly."

Bella motioned with her head for me to continue-she knew this was going somewhere.

"BUT...Bella. His human self is one of a 17 year old boy. Frozen at 17, a sexual peak for a normal human male...for a century..."

She nodded, not quite getting my point.

I tried another approach. "Bella, do you know which vampires are the most voracious appetite wise? Sexually, blood lust wise, murderously? Teenage males, Bella. Edward was "turned" at a very specific stage of development that makes him more prone to appetites than Carlisle, Emmett, and Jasper--combined. Just a five year difference from "turning" makes all the difference in the world in terms of natural appetites."

Bella's eyes grew wide with that realization.

"Grandpa Edward is a result of Edward's own self control and experience and discipline through the years. There's a reason Edward is revered in our family the way he has been-because we all know that he's conquered appetites much more stronger than any of ours, and with such dedication through the years. But with that conquering came an isolation from others. And we all were so sad to see the price he was paying to keep in control."

I smiled at her, because she knew how the story picked up from there.

"Then you came along and we were able to see Edward lighten up, smile, laugh, LIVE finally. But it's been a very laborious negotiation for him psychically at the same time to find the right balance. I felt that there was an imbalance in terms of "Grandpa Edward" controlling the relationship with you. And we've watched Grandpa step back somewhat in the last couple days. But Bella..." I started shaking my head.

"OH NO. Last night..." Bella whispered.

"Yes-you guys went from point A to point...M! It was too much too fast. And it's partly my fault Bella-I should have explained this better to you, and I was stupid to introduce playing doctor this early in the game. But what's done is done and now, Bella? With Dirty Eddie coming out in full force-we may need to summon Grandpa Edward out now. Or else you are going to have to deal with a 17 year old horndog--who's been a virgin for a century and is ready to make up for lost time. After thinking about what he'd like to do sexually with someone. Since 1918. Do the math, Bella."

"Oh, hell to the naw!" Her eyes grew wide with that image.

--

**BPOV**

I was in the middle of working on my class project with Angela, Ben and Tyler, but I couldn't keep my mind off what Alice said. Suddenly that pesky Grandpa Edward seemed like the world to me. And I had been so dismissive of that side of my Edward for so long. I'm an idiot.

Just then, 10 minutes before the period ended... Edward casually walked into my class, handed me a note, and planted a big, sexy beast kiss on my lips. He let out a deep groan, and I was mortified as everyone looked on in shock."Edward, stop it!" I whispered. If Grandpa Edward was Missing In Action, then I Mama Bella could come out to play in his place.

"Cullen!" Mr. Green yelled in his direction for his disruptive appearance in class.

"That's my name, Green, don't wear it out!" He walked out just as casually as he walked in. Dang, Dirty Eddie still had a 1918 way about talking smack still.

I was beet red as everyone stared at me. I opened up the note. "Meet me at my car at lunch. I have a little prezzie for you."

All I could do was shake my head.

As the bell rang, I tried to think of what to do next. Do I go to the car by myself, or should I go get Alice??

I walked out slowly, hoping Alice would magically appear in the outside courtyard of the campus near the parking lot. It was then that I heard music. On full blast. In fact, a song from one of Dirty Eddie's guilty pleasure playlist on his iPOD. Not one of the 80's hits, but a more recent nudie bar favorite: **Kid Rock's " So Hott." **

"Oh, no." Alice was standing by me suddenly as I had hoped, and Emmett, Rose, and Jasper were walking towards me as well.

We all headed towards to the source of the music together A crowd was already forming in the area. There, in the Volvo, windows down, was Edward rocking out to Kid Rock. He made eye contact with me and started singing the lyrics at the top of his lungs while holding his hand like a fake microphone:

**"You got a body like the Devil and you smell like SEX!"**

People were gathering in droves now, trying to find the source of the commotion. I wanted to curl up into a ball and die. All the while Edward kept a-rocking, playing air guitar and screaming the lyrics in my direction:

**"Because you know you're so hott, I wanna get you alone! So hott..."**

Rose was laughing her head off. "Wow, Edward's having a midlife crisis about 60 years late. Maybe he can buy a Ford Mustang after school today to complete the picture."

"Shut up, Rose." I shot her glare. "Your brother is losing his mind, now is not the time for jokes."

Rose arched an eyebrow my way. "Well, maybe he wouldn't be losing his mind if you hadn't gone all Bucking Bronco on him last night, Annie Oakley!"

"Rose! Stop. Now." Emmett's voice was so authoritative,it actually shut her up. Damn, who knew Emmett could regulate when he needed to?

Edward pointed dramatically at me with an outreached arm and screamed "**BELLA!" **while continuing the lyrics:

**I DON'T WANNA BE YOUR FRIEND, I WANNA F YOU LIKE I'M NEVER GONNA SEE YOU AGAIN!"**

He kept pointing at me while he began to head bang to the beat. He then switched it up a little bit by air drumming on his steering wheel.

Emmett shook his head. "Bella, you are not going within 10 yards of my brother until Carlisle sees him. Get in my jeep. NOW." Alice and Jasper began to escort me off.

Emmett went over to Edward, turned off the music and told him I was going home with him and he could meet me there. They started having an heated exchange and Edward got out of the car.

All I heard was Edward roaring, "You aren't the boss of me!" before Jasper lifted me into the jeep, and told me to not look back. He jumped back out of the car, told Alice to leave this instant, and ran back towards his fighting brothers.

--


	20. Making That Sweet Lovin'

**Chapter 20: Making That Sweet Lovin'**

**note: thanks for the reviews-being the review ho that I am, I read them all!**

**JPOV**

Alice was driving off behind me as I closed in on my two brothers.

Their voices were booming now, with over a hundred witnesses looking on from the courtyard.. All we needed was Edward to act out just slightly by showing off some supernatural strength, and our cover was blown. Emmett was trying to coax him back into the car.

"Edward, keep your voice down. Get into the car."

"NO, I WON"T, EMMETT. YOU JUST CAN'T HANDLE THAT I'M IN LOVE AND PROUD OF THE FACT THAT I WANNA MAKE THAT SWEET LOVIN' TO MY SEXY LADY! "

Emmett looked around self consciously. "Keep your voice down!"

Edward's eyes narrowed. "Make me, Meathead!"

Even when Dirty Eddie was rebelling, he still mangaged to sound like a character out of the "Peanuts" gang--Snoopy could verbally smack down better than him. I decided I needed to step in-these two were going to have a circular-am-not-are-too stand off for the next 10 minutes if I didn't. "Edward. I'm wondering why you are standing alone in the middle of a parking lot while Bella is at home if you are so interested in making that sweet lovin' to her."

Edward cocked his head to the side, seeing my point. It was the moment of distraction that Emmett was looking for.

Emmett glanced back at me and quickly stole Edward's keys from from the ignition. A little TOO quickly if anyone was watching closely enough. He threw them into my hands and yelled, "Drive!"

He jammed open the back door. Then with great force, he rammed Edward into the backseat of the car. Edward's head banged into the side door so roughly, I was sure it was going to leave a huge dent. I jumped in, and we were speeding off in record time, out of the prying eyes of observers.

--

**BPOV**

"Stop the car! Go back! I don't want Edward and Emmett to fight over me!" We were heading down the highway at this point at top speed. "Why are we leaving them behind?"

Rose laughed. "Please, like it's a fair fight- 10 bucks says my man kicks your freaky man's ass."

Alice jabbed Rose hard and then looked back at me. "Don't worry about them Bella. They just need a little boy bonding time right now. Alone."

--

**EMMETTPOV**

"You bastards! I'm going to kill you both!" Edward wasn't happy with the fact that between me busting his car door with his own head and Jasper realizing too late that Edward's Volvo doesn't handle offroading the same way my monster jeep does, his car was looking pretty messed up at the moment.He was picking up trees left and right, ripping them out from the roots, throwing them around like a normal human would tooth picks. We were in the middle of nowhere at this point though, so it was time for us to have it out.

"Edward, you need to calm down. Now."

"I will NOT calm down, you Carlisle wannabe. Not after the stunt you two both pulled right now with Bella--and my car!"

"The stunt we pulled? Edward, you are out of control. You need to start thinking with your head-and I"m not talking about the little one that is causing all these problems this morning. Your big head needs to come up and take control."

Edward snorted angrily. "That's what she said! You walked right into that one blockhead..."

I tried to keep my cool. "Check your ego, little bro. It's too big."

Edward shot back at me: "That's what she said!" He smiled wistfully. "No, really, that's what she said. Last night..."

I ignored him. " And until you can show me that you are in control, I will not let you within 10 yards of Bella. I promise you that." I clenched my fists, letting him know I was ready to back up what I said.

Edward's eyes almost turned into slits at that moment. "Do not threaten me, Emmett. Don't threaten me when it comes to MY Bella." His voice was low-and dangerous.

"She may be your Bella, but you sure as hell aren't "her" Edward right now. Her Edward wouldn't be screaming at the top of his lungs that he wants to F&K her in front of the whole school or lifting up her skirt while while playing grab ass for all the world to see like she's a piece of meat. If you can't show any control in public Edward, what are you capable of doing to her behind closed doors, Edward?"

Edward's eyes narrowed further, if that was possible. His breathing became concentrated and labored, while his jaw clenched. In an instant, he lunged, and brought me down to the ground. I quickly kicked him up off of me and soon I was on top of him, pummeling him with as much force as possible. Right now, I knew the my fists would be the only thing he listened too-not my reasoning. So, I continued to pummel him until I saw a sign of weakness.

He gave as good as he got-I was getting just as many blows to my body as I was giving out. But in the end my strength got the upper hand. He finally sank to the ground and was trying to catch his breath.

Jasper chimed in, "Round 1 goes to Emmett "Big Grizzly" Cullen." He went back to sitting on the car hood and throwing rocks out into the brush.

"Shut up, Jasper." Edward's was still out of breath. Jasper laughed in my direction.

Edward looked up at me. "I said it before and I'll say it again. You need to stay out of my business, Emmett. This doesn't concern you. This only concerns Bella and myself. And NEVER threaten to keep me from her again."

I laughed out loud. "You seem to have forgotten I just beat your ass, Edward. That means you don't get to threaten me about anything. And it IS my business. Whether you like it or not, you brought her into the famiy and now she's nothing less than my baby sister. I'll be more protective of her than anyone else-because she's younger and human. And right now, I need to protect her from you."

Edward's face turned murderously angry and he was getting ready to fight me again, but I cut him off. "Edward, I'm protecting you too. From yourself. I think you are capable of killing her right now. Not from bloodlust--but from Kid Rock driven vampire sex lust."

--

**EPOV**

We were heading back home again, Jasper and Emmett in the front seats, me in the back. I was playing along with them at this point. I put on a big show for them right now--I apologized and told them they were right. That I would get under control. That I would talk to Carlisle first thing when he got home. That I would be very careful around Bella and not play any Kid Rock for the next couple days. Yadda Yadda Yadda. Whatever. I'm just doing what I have to to get back to the house without these two lugheads trying to stop me. I had some things being delivered today I had to sign for right away. Bella is going to love my suprise for her!

--

**BPOV**

The boys had come back an hour ago. Edward came in looking very humbled. Rose took one look at him and screamed out in my direction, "You owe me ten bucks Bella! He so got his ass kicked!"

Edward took me aside within hearing distance of Emmett and apologized profusely.

"I never meant to disrespect you Bella. I was just so happy this morning from last night, I let it get the best of me." He looked a me with big, innocent, contrite puppy dog eyes that made me melt.

"Edward, like you even have to apologize. I deserved a taste of my own medicine for once-I'm usually the one pushing the envelope with you." I gave him a quick, chaste kiss on his cheek--he in turn quickly grabbed the back of my head almost roughly and leaned me back in for a deep, sensual kiss on the lips. I started feeling breathless, when Emmett let out an obvious coded cough. Edward backed away quickly

"Bella, I"m going to make it up to you, okay?"

With that, he ran over to his Baby Grand Piano in the front room, hoisted it up into his arms and ran upstairs into his bedroom.

Emmett looked encouraged. "Aw, I think my baby bro is coming back finally. I bet he took the piano upstairs to write you another lullaby."

--

**APOV**

The doorbell rang, and I went to get it. It was a delivery man. "Yes, I have a special delivery for an Edward Cullen?"

Edward rushed in front of me. "I'm Edward."

"Sign here. And I'm just confirming the contents since this was a special delivery. I have one Kiddie Plastic Blow Up Pool, one Deluxe Swingy Swinger Swing, and one pallette full of--"

Edward interrupted. "YES, gotcha one pallette. Understood."

The delivery man smirked slightly. "And just to clarify-one pallette equals 860 units of this "product."

"Excellent." Edward shot him back a knowing smirk back, and then subtly handed him a huge tip. Once the delivery man was out of sight, he picked up the huge delivery and was heading back up the stairs.

"Psst...Edward. With the swing and pool...I'm wondering. I know Bella loves amusement parks and stuff-are you making it up to her by bringing the amusement park to her upstairs?"

Edward smiled doe eyed at me. "Something like that."

--

**BPOV**

"Bella!" Edward was calling me from the third floor. I headed up. When I got to the top of the stairs, I let out a small gasp. Edward was without a shirt, and he had my favorite pair of his jeans on-the ones that slide down past his hip bones when he walks. His hair was looking unusually messy and falling into his face even more than usual. Grrr...

"Sorry to bother you Bells, but Emmett really beat the hell out of me today. I was wondering if you could just put a little of this KY Warming Liquid on for me in the places I can't reach.It's soothing to my sore spots." He was swiftly leading me into the spare room across from his bedroom. "Why not your bedroom?" I asked.

"NO-you can't go in there, not right now at least. It's... a little messy."

He crawled up onto the humongous sectional sofa in the room--leaving me a perfect shot of his ass. He threw me a suggestive smile over his shoulder and said, "Come on, Bells. Jump on." He paused for about five seconds. "The couch of course."

He laid on his stomach, folded his arms and rested his head on top of them."Go to it, Bella." I just stood there, having a deja vu moment--didn't I bust these same moves on him already-albeit he was much more effective in the execution since I was THIS close to raping him? Was I dealing with my MY Edward right now, and I just had a really dirty mind? Or was I dealing with a mutating Dirty Eddie-who was learning how to act in a more subtle way? And more importantly was this thought. Did I even give a shit who I was dealing with since my man was half naked and asking me to oil him up?

I began to pour the liquid on him and massage it in. "That feels amazing Bella." He squirmed below me and it was making me "blush" in all the wrong places.

--

**ESMEPOV**

The kids filled me in with everything that happened today. I understood their concern, but was pretty sure that Edward was simply having an off day and that he was not in as deep of trouble as his siblings imagined. My Edward has always been such a good boy, that I realized his core personality would always stay intact. He's just been going through so many transitions lately, it was understandable he would have some off moments.

"Maybe I can talk to him, mother to son. That may help to bring "our" Edward back up to the surface. He's always been so eager to do the right thing, it can't hurt for me to try. I have some of his socks I just folded-I'll use that as an excuse to see him in his bedroom."

I headed up to the third floor, confident that I could reach him in a way only a mother could.

--

**BPOV**

"BBBB...BBBBB...BBBBBB...BBBBBuuuuuuuutttt..." I couldn't get my mouth to spit out the words.

"But what darling?" Edward was on his back now, innocently glancing at me as he was slowly unbuttoning the top button of his jeans. "Ah, there, that feels more comfortable." He stared up at me expectantly.

"BBBBBBButt..."I was breathing really heavy now," I think using my bare nipples as a massage tool on your chest would be breaking the promise I made to Alice to not do anything physically questionable with you."

He looked at me confused. "If my dumb brother decides to beat me to a venomy pulp simply because I love you so much, and your nipples provide the necessary texture and pointed handling needed to properly massage me back to health, how is that wrong in any way? If love is wrong, Bella, I don't want to be right!"

I nodded slightly-he had a good point there. He saw me mentally waver, and decided to bring it on home.

"And it's been a long winter and rainy spring here, Bella. Your skin has been through alot with the harsh weather. The KY warming liquid will do wonders moisture wise for your nipple health."

I nodded. "I never thought about it that way, Edward. There really are health benefits for us both in that sense--"

Just then a blood curdling scream came out from across the hall. Edward quickly buttoned his pants and I instinctively hid the KY behind a couch cover. We headed outside. The door to Edward's room was open. And we could hear Esme breathing heavily-was she crying?

As I walked into the room, and my mouth dropped. What. The. Hell?

Edward tried to reach out to the now sobbing Esme but she pulled away fiercely. "After all that I"ve taught you through the years to be a gentleman, Edward! And to see you reduced to this! Your room looks like a virtual den of inquity! A funhouse of whoredoms!"

By this time, all the siblings were crowding around the doorway, sneaking a peek.

"Niiiiiicccccce." Japser blurted out. Alice hit him on the head. "What? I didn't now he had it in him."

--


	21. The Funhouse of Whoredoms

**Chapter 21: The Funhouse of Whoredoms**

**note: This is a little short, but I'm trying to write less lengthy chapters so I can update more quickly. Sometimes I write really long ones and then I'm spent.lol**

**note: Thanks for all the reviews-you guys are all awesome! And don't worry for those who hate dirty eddie- Carlisle's got something special up his sleeve in the next chapter to purge Edward of his "perversions!"lol**

**APOV**

The room was a hot mess of Edwardian perversions. With Kid Rock's "So Hott" playing on a loop, I looked around shaking my head.

Of course to the side of the bed was the ol' trusty Carmen Electra Stripping Pole-slash-Ballet-ates Workout Bar. But Edward had added a couple touches--there was now a sort of Boudouir section to the area behind the pole. The furniture was instantly recoginizable-they were older articles that had long been banished to the attic. But he arranged the dainty pieces-a full length mirror, vanity table and mirror, and a clothing rack-in such a way that they made it clear it was a sort of "prep" area for Bella's pole dances. Her sexy baby dolls were now hung up on full display on the clothing rack.

Seeing all her hardly there pieces lined up on the rack next to the pole made me realize something-even if Grandpa Edward had gone along with our rationalizations the whole time with ballet-ates, Dirty Edward was always aware of what Bella and I were up to.

To the left of the bed was Edward's treasured Baby Grand Piano. But hanging on top of it from the ceiling was a huge leather Swing--I may not be a huge sex freak, but I knew about these leather strapped swings--I watch MTV.

"EDWARD!" I pointed accusingly at swing. "Ew! That's a sex swing!"

"Not at all! It's a regulation adult sized swing, that's all. I can't put Bella on some flimsy child swing that could break easily. " He tried to make a very innocent face when Esme shot him a look. "Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson placed this very type of swing above Tommy Lee's piano, and it helped him break his musical writing block in the 90's when Pamela would swing while he played piano. It was very...soothing and inspirational for him. He said so much on MTV Cribs."

We all looked at him increduously. Man, can Dirty Eddie outplay even me when it comes to the "A Rose By Another Name is NOT a Rose" game.

Edward stared back at us with puppy eyes. "What? It's true. Tommy's only 90's radio hit **"Gets Naked"** featuring Lil' Kim and Fred Dunst was apparently penned during a Pamela Lee Swing session! Who knows what musical gems await me inspirationally if my dear Bella innocently swung for me as well?" His face didn't even break slightly out of character. Evil horny teen vampire.

I rolled my eyes. "Well, Thank God that wonderful composition was inspired-how would we had lived without Tommy Lee singing about nudity and hiding his giant hoo-ha behind a jumbo sized remote control in the music video? Revolutionary stuff there."

Emmett snorted. "Yeah, if Tommy can be inspired to write about getting naked, what classics will Edward come up with? Maybe a sweet ditty entitled, "** Is that an Industrial Strength Notebook, or Are You Just Happy To See Me**?"

Jasper chimed in. "Or his instant masterpiece, **"I'll Love You Forever, Sweet Ass?"**

Emmett shot back, " Or his magum opus, **"Gotta Have Some More Pootie Tang In Front Of Mike and Mrs. Newton At Their Camping Store**?"

"Boys!" Esme shushed them before they continued and made Bella's blushing go deep purple.

Jasper tried to get the conversation back on track. "Well, the upside Edward is that you've outpimped both Outkast and Tommy Lee from MTV Cribs. Outkast has a stripper pole, but not a sex swing. Tommy Lee has a swing, but no stripper pole. Play on, Playa." I smacked him on the head. Human or vampire, boys are totally gross.

--

**BPOV**

The swing and strip pole additions were embarrassing enough. But it was the other "attraction" --smack dab in the middle of the room--that was the most ridiculous of them all. It was the one that Esme couldn't stop staring at and shaking her head.

He had blown up jumbo sized kiddie pool and laid the blow up mattress he bought from Mike Newton beside it. To the other side of the pool? At least 100 bottles of KY Warming Liquid, empty, thrown carelessly in a pile. He was filling the entire pool with the stuff. And he had plenty of supplies for the job-in the corner was a huge pallette full of the KY product. Oh, Lawd, Alice created a KY warming monster.

Esme was walking closer to the pool and Edward casually spoke in her direction. "Mom, the pool is just to help with my temperature "issues" with Bella. She can't sleep by me without getting a chill. I thought I'd set up this little "warming station" where I dip in the Warming Liquid and then let myself dry off a little on the air mattress before laying by her at night. Just until she goes back to her house of course." Esme just looked at him like she thought he was full of crap.

"Remember that human chef we watched once on TV, Emeril, making fried chicken? He dipped the chicken in a batter, and shook off the excess liquid, and then breaded it? Think of me in those terms-I'm just breading myself so I don't give poor Bella a cold." Jasper and Emmett were snorting behind him-they loved watching him squirm in front of Esme.

"And here I thought colds were caused by viruses, not chills, my dear Harvard Medical School educated son."Esme bent over the air mattress and picked up a book that was laying in the middle of it. "What's Kama Su--tra?" Jasper and Emmett started snorting again while bending over and hitting eachother. They were enjoying watching the Golden Boy of the famiy fall from grace a little too much.

Edward rushed towards her, "Nothing Mom. Just an Eastern form of healing..."

Before he reached her, she opened up the book, saw an illustration of one of the "healing" techinques of Kama Sutra, gasped, and threw the book back on the mattress. "Temperatures issues, indeed, Edward."That was the last straw for her.

"EDWARD. Get in Carlisle's office THIS INSTANT. Alice, call your father and tell him to come home THIS INSTANT. Rose, wipe that smirk off your face and clean up all these empty bottles. Bella, take all those babydolls down over there and pack them away--for your HONEYMOON." OUCH. Busted.

"Jasper and Emmett, get that swing down, pop both the air mattress and the kiddie pool and throw them away. And then clear Edward's room for me and get the bunk bed out from the attic and set it up back in here. " Edward looked angry, but walked out the door with Esme following after him.

Jasper called out in Emmett's direction, "Dibs on the sex swing and the Kama Sutra book."

Emmett nodded. "But only if you help me get the pallette into my room and I keep the stripper pole."

Alice chimed in while she was speed dialing Carlisle. "Ew, no way are we dibbing the sex swing. Lord knows what Edward did to it in the last couple of hours. You throw that out this instant, and then wash your hands before you come back into the house."

Human or vampire, boys are totally gross.

I felt a rush of emotion in that moment-like I helped to create the current mess that was Edward and his imbalances. All my scheming with Alice has made everything such a horrible mess.

. Alice leaned into me. "It's okay, Bella. Carlisle's going to make everything better. He's not just a doctor and psychologist-but a S-exorcist as well. Edward will be back to his old self in no time, with a little help from all of us."

S-exorcist?

--


	22. JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!

**Chapter 21: Jesus Take the Wheel**

**note: I love all my reviews. I treat them like they are my own children and give them all equal love and attention!**

**note: I hope this chapter worked-I had this idea that worked great in my head-but once I wrote it it didn't have the same comedic umph.lol All I know is I love the image of Robert Pattinson channeling Kid Rock. Yes, I'm actually unimaginative enough to picture Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson as Bella and Edward in my head! What can I say-I think Robert is very Edwardian...**

**BPOV**

Carlisle made it back home in record time and asked to speak to me alone after observing Edward in his office for an hour. He quietly greeted me in Edward's bedroom. The room was pretty spare now-Jasper and Emmett had cleared everything out as ordered by Esme and had brought in the bunk bed as requested. I sat on the bottom bunk as Carlisle paced.

"Bella, this is a very sensitive subject, and I'm going to do my best to not make this uncomfortable for you-or me. But I do need a little background information before I attempt to perform anything on him."

"Yes, about performing on Edward-um...what exactly is a s-exorcism?" I almost let out an inappropriate giggle when I said that.

Carlisle stopped pacing for a moment. "Well, Bella, it's not an exact science; and to be honest, it's alot of guesswork trying to figure out how to approach each individual vampire. I learned some tactics when I lived among the Volturi, but I've since added on some other approaches with my background as a psychologist and doctor. Basically it's very similar to a human version of exorcising a spiritual force from an individual who is suffering greatly from that spiritual possession."

"You mean like that Linda Blair "Exorcist" movie? Where a demon possesses the girl's body and she speaks in Latin alot and her head twists around 360 and she spits out pea soup? Like Edward has a bunch of sex spirits in him or something?" I was creeped out at this point-was I totally pole dancing for some freaky sex spirit instead of Edward?

"No, not really, Bella. Not like he has ghosts inside him.** But more that a sort of unseen influence or energy has manifested within Edward and is veering him off course in a self destructive manner**. In particular as a teen vampire boy, that influence is his awakening sexuality, Bella. And his delayed awakening has only made this spiritual possession that much more stronger. I will need to act very decisively and strongly once I decide how to approach him."

He stopped in front of me, "And I will need your help to understand what events led up to Edward's lightning speed deterioration in the past couple days. I've never seen such a forceful transformation in such a short amount of time--and on such a naturally strong and disciplined person."

Oh crap. I have a feeling I'm not going to be able to "Rose By Another Name" myself out of this particular pickle.

--

**CarlislePOV**

"ALICE CULLEN! COME HERE THIS INSTANT, YOUNG LADY." Bella was crying at this point, laying all the blame on herself and refusing to give up any names. She told me she was the mastermind in the plan to seduce Edward, but I had my doubts. Imagining that Bella was ready to consummate their relationship wasn't hard to believe-she was in fact a normal, healthy human teenager in a long term relationship. However, it was very hard to imagine Bella--the sweet tomboy who seemed to abhor makeup and malls-was at the center of a plan that included her dressing up like Harlot Barbie, wearing clear stripper heels, and dancing on a Carmen Electra Stripper Pole.

Clothes, heels, makeup and dancing? Those elements all equaled up to one culprit: Alice. Alice was the Cullen closest to Bella next to Edward, and always all too willing to make Bella over. I hadn't realized the makeovers didn't end with fashion advice.

"Yes, Father?" Alice's doe eyes signaled me off right away to her participation.

"Alice, I need you to be honest with me right now. What role did you play in the plan for Bella to seduce Edward? Bella refuses to admit to your involvement, but I need to know exactly what went on. Your brother's welfare is at stake."

"Ummm..." Alice hedged, not sure how much she wanted to admit to.

"Edward is sick, Alice. I need your help-we will deal with repurcussions later; but right now, I need details to help me bring Edward back from the brink."

With that, she spilled out everything in a great wave of confession. She explained the sexual seduction bootcamp at the La Costa Resort; the waxings and pluckings and haircuts and makeup makeovers and lingerie shopping and pole dance lessons and flirting lessons; Edward not dealing well with Bella getting so much attention post-makeover from men; Edward "marking his territory" at school and at Mike Newton's store with the air mattress incident; Bella's "homework assignments" at night in the form of pole dancing, even though they called it "ballet-ates"; Bella's nighties to sleep next to Edward with; the well known breast exam and how Alice skipped out on being present; What actually happened during the exam with Bella taking over; the subsequent day at school, with Edward acting out in a variety of ways.

I shook my head. "Alice, how did poor Edward have a chance with you guys conspiring against him at every turn?"

She shrugged her shoulders. "That was sort of the point."

--

**APOV**

Carlisle was so disappointed in me, but I couldn't let that get in my way of trying to fix a mess I had a hand in.

"You know what, Dad? I just thought of a common thread here. When Edward allowed himself to think sexually about Bella before this week, he always did it behind closed doors and would exclusively listen to this music playlist of hard rock and rap hits on his iPod. They all have very sexually driven beats and lyrics. He always accompanied his thoughts with that iPod playlist, but would never allow that music to be played at any other time. BUT today--it was the first time he played the music publicly and sang along with it in front of Bella--uh, and the entire Forks High School population."

Carlisle's eyes brightened. "Alice, that was just the type of information I needed! I had a gut instinct that his spiritual possession was intricately tied to music--before Bella, his one grand passion was music. And it's through this particular type of music that he'd channeled his sexual passion for Bella in a controlled way before this week.

But now, with you and Bella overloading him with sexual stimuli, the music is acting almost like an instigator. **In essence, he's letting the spirit of these sexually explicit songs possess and embolden him to act in ways he would never act normally**.** We need to counteract the sexual power of this type of music with the cleansing power of musical purity and virtue.** Alice, please write down all the groups' names on Edward's sexually explicit musical anthology, and then come with me-you will be my assistant in the s-exorcism."

I quickly wrote down the names I could remember from his Nudie Bar Dirty Eddie Playlist:

**Poison**

**Warrant**

**Tupac**

**Foxy Brown**

He opened up a locked case, put various bottles into a metal briefcase, and handed it to me. I looked at all the different containers curiously.

"Dad, what are these bottles of water?"

"**Alice, these are bottles of holy water, but not in the usual sense of a priest blessing it. It's water that has been touched by virginal and pure hearts. I have all different types of samples of holy water touched by different types of virtuous people, but these in particular are bottles of holy water touched by virtuous musical figures**. You'll see how the holy water works once the s-exorcism begins."

Next, he gathered several CDs and his office CD remote control and entrusted me with them as well. I laughed when I saw which CDs he gave me, and he raised an eyebrow to silence me. "Put these CDs in and when I yell out a command, make sure to play the songs as quickly as you can. Now, fetch Emmett-I need his brute strength."

Once Emmett was with us, we headed into the office to face Edward.

--

**EPOV**

Emmett, Alice and Carlisle walked into the office purposefully. I knew I could break Carlisle down if I just stayed calm and explained things in a cool and collected way. I needed to get out of the office as soon as possible to retrieve all my new toys--I"ll be damned if Jasper and Emmett think they are going to pilfer all my new belongings!

"Edward, we need to talk." He was rolling up his sleeves decisively and looking at me intently.

"Yes, Carlisle?" I asked innocently.

"Son, know that what I'm about to do is because...well, because I love you."

--

**CarlislePOV**

I whispered to Alice, "Hand me the bottle marked "**J.G. Holy Water**." and then put on CD #1- at full blast." She quickly handed me the correct bottle, and clicked on the CD. I promptly turned around and nodded at Emmett. He bear hugged Edward from behind to keep him in place, and Edward looked at me-confused and shocked.

"Carlisle, what is going on--"

Without letting him get another word in edgewise, I pointed the JG Holy Water Bottle in his direction and flicked it over his head. "In the name of **JOSH GROBAN**, I command thee to leave, musical spirits of **Poison** and **Warrant**!!"

"AHHHCHCHCHCCCCHHH! NOOOOO! NO GROBAN!" Edward squirmed and convulsed with the contact of the Josh Groban Holy Water, but that was just a sign of the holy water's effectiveness. The spirit of **Warrant** and **Poison** within Edward could not dwell in the same place as the Virginally Pure and Apple Cheeked Josh Groban. A battle for control was underway, and I was sure that the side of Good and Impeccably Adorable would be victorious.

Alice had started the CD now, and Josh Groban's "You Raise Me Up" played at full blast(**I have it on my profile, it makes for a good visual-audio lol**):

_**You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;**_

_**You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;**_

_**I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;**_

_**You raise me up... To more than I can be.**_

Edward was writhing in pain: "MAKE IT STOP! MAKE THE GROBAN STOP!" He suddenly lunged at me and the spirit of **Poison** took one last stand to fight for my son's soul by having him hurl out some of their nasty lyrics:

_**"Every time I touch you honey you get hot**_

_**I want to make love you never stop--"**_

I flicked more Josh Groban Holy Water on him and just like that--his body laid motionless, as if he was almost asleep.

I nodded at both Alice and Emmett. "Those spirits have left. Let's see if we need to summon anymore out. Alice, handed me the **C.U. Holy Water** and cue CD # 2. Who's next on the list, Alice?"

Alice peered down. "**Tupac and Foxy Brown**."

Carlisle hovered over Edward again, and started flicking the water on his head. "In the name of **CARRIE UNDERWOOD**, I command thee to leave, musical spirits of **Tupac and Foxy Brown**."

Edward started flailing again, as the unholy musical spirits reacted to the all encompassing and honey blonde goodness of **Carrie Underwood**. They attempted to fight back by spouting lyrics out of Edward's mouth:

_Who's got the illest nana on the planet?_

_Sugar walls comin down-- homies can't stand it, the Ill Na Na!_

Carrie Underwood's angelic voice responded in kind full blast from my stereo:

_**Jesus take the wheel**_

_**Take it from my hands**_

_**Cause I can't do this on my own**_

_**I'm letting go**_

With the very mention of Jesus, Edward once again went lifeless. I looked at Alice and Emmett. " I think we've had a successful s-exorcism, children. Let's be thankful that your brother has had a relatively painless experience. "

--

**APOV**

Carlisle motioned for Emmett to release his bear hug. He then came over to me and gave me a hug. "Thank you Alice. I hope you've learned a lesson from all this. " I nodded as I took a deep breath.

Slowly everyone else came into the office to see how the sexorcism went. Esme put a supportive arm around Bella, as she looked upset seeing Edward knocked out. But Rose and Jasper were giggling on the side-the rascals. Rose mouthed to me to give them all the dirty details afterward.

Out of nowhere, Edward leapt up quickly and forcefully, landing feet first on Carlisle's desk. He smiled at all of us, ripped off his shirt, threw his arms out, and screamed:

_**My name is KIIIIIIIIIIIID...Kid Rock ! And I still want to (bleep) Bella like I'll never see her again! Bella, you are SO HOTTTTT!**_

Edward started into Kid Rock's Bawitaba while stomping his foot and head banging:

_**Bawitdaba da bang a dang diggy diggy diggy said the boogy said up jump the boogy!(**_**a/nThis is a Kid Rock song that I put in my profile cause Edward singing it is all sorts of awesomeness-check it out)**

Carlisle turned around quickly toward me. "Alice quick-throw me the **Hannah Montana Holy Water**! We need to s-exorcise this dominant musical spirit at once-it will be the hardest to expel, because it's the strongest!"

I scrunched my face. "Are you kidding? Miley Cyrus is always posting skanky pictures of herself in her underwear on her myspace-she's no holy match for the spirit of Kid Rock!" Carlisle-he never keeps up with current events!

Kid Edward started throwing out the devil's sign while head banging and screaming:

_**I'm an... American Bad Ass**_

_**Watch me kick**_

_**You can roll with Rock**_

_**Or you can Suck My Dick!**_

I thumbed through the rest of his bottles until I found a competent rival for Kid. "YES--use this bottle Carlisle. They just declared their virginity status this week, so this is like holy water concentrate times three!" I threw him the bottle and cued the CD player. A perky, guitar riff came out, like something you would hear on a Mentos commercial.**(a/n I put this virtuous song on my profile, under Kid Rock's song too)**

Carlisle looked down at the bottle and quickly flicked it all over Edward. "In the name of the **JONAS BROTHERS**, I command thee to leave, musical spirit of **Kid Rock**!"

The Jonas Brothers Holy Water was so powerful, Edward didn't even have any reaction time. He just fell like dead weight onto Carlisle's desk.

Carlisle and Esme both looked in shock at the power of the Holy Water. Esme murmurred, "Jonas Brothers huh? That's some strong virtue in a bottle. Remind me to google them later on. They seem to be some impressive young boys--WHO LISTEN TO THEIR MOTHER." She shot a look at the rest of us.

Bella rang over to the desk. "Edward! Edward honey!" She was tearing up now-I knew she felt realy guilty. "Please Edward, speak to me!"

Edward groggily opened his eyes. When they opened, they looked so innocent--nothing like the pervy faced Kid Rock reject just a moment ago air guitaring on Carlisle's desk. "Bella, where am I?" He stretched his arms out slowly and then smiled brilliantly at her. " I don't know why, but I feel like I've missed you."

Bella laughed. "I missed you too actually. Very much so. Let's get you back to our room so you can scold me for not eating all my vegetables at dinner, Grandpa--"

--

**ESMEPOV**

When Bella mentioned getting Edward back to" their" room, I decided this was the best time to break the news to them. ALL of them.

"Kids, I have an announcement to make. In light of some of the "shennanigans" going on in the past week, both Carlisle and I think you are all up for a refresher course on manners and morals. And unlike Alice's sexual charms school she put together, we have a more traditional notion of the type of refresher charm school course ALL of you will be taking for the next couple days. Carlisle and the boys will be staying together in Jasper's bedroom. And the girls and I will be staying together in Edward's bedroom for these refresher courses. And here are the ground rules:

1) All CDs, IPods, and stereos will be confiscated for the next couple of days to make sure Edward is not affected adversely by music anymore.

2) There will be no "romantic" interaction for any of you young couples during this duration of instruction with charm school.

3) And right this instant, both Carlisle and I are taking you to the mall to get a nice, moral clothes makeover-I think if you children have the appearance of propriety and class, your exterior will help dictate your interior on how to act and behave."

--

**BPOV**

Oh crap. This can't be good. Getting fashion and romance tips from your future mother in law is never optimal. The words "too many cooks in the kitchen" suddenly came to mind as I thought of how many hands were now involved with my relationship with Edward.

--


	23. true love waits

**Chapter 22-- True Love Waits**

**note: Please check out the pictures in my profile of how the kids are dressed for school--cause they make me giggle and they make my chapter funnier...lol**

**note: Sorry this is a little rushed and short, but I've had a really busy week where I haven't been able to get any writing or idea time in.**

**note: disclaimer: I'm NOT making fun of the Jonas Brothers-I think they really are as cute as a button! I just think the Cullen boys morphing into them is subversive..lol**

**note: Thanks for all the reviews, even the ones' with constructive criticism! They were all very helpful and nice!**

**RPOV**

I'm going to kill Bella and Edward. It's all their faults. 8 hours into Esme's Charm School tutorial after a shopping trip from hell, and there was no end in sight. After all the poles and KY pools and sex swings, Esme thought she had to start us out back at square 1 with courtship and propriety basics. She was going over how we should sit, dress, stand, speak, engage our partners in the most lady like of terms. Like Emmett wants a lady-the last thing he said to me was to get ready to work the pole once we reunited!

"And Rosalie, you in particular need to work on your language. "Ahole" is NOT a term of endearment, as much as you would like to have me think so."

I rolled my eyes. I was getting the brunt of the "charm school" lecturing, just because I"m the only one honest enough to act the same way in front of Esme as I would in front of anyone else. I live with a bunch of suck ups who need to be exposed. Look at Alice and Bella writing down notes on Esme's lecture to get brownie points. I glanced up innocently at Esme.

"Esme, how do you feel about Bella's term of endearment for Edward? I think it's sorta cute, but Dr. McFckme IS a step up from Ahole, in terms of pottymouth points..."

"Rose!" Bella shot me a look of complete betrayal. Haha, try to doe eye your way out of that one, you pole grinding virgin!

--

**EPOV**

Carlisle had been lecturing us very sternly for hours now. We thought our shopping trip with Esme was nightmarish enough until Carlisle closed the doors behind us in my bedroom. He was deeply disappointed in all of us in addition to being worried about my welfare since the "breakdown."

I kept trying to get Jasper's and Emmett's attention during the lecture to let them know how badly I felt they got dragged into this along with me. But they wouldn't even look my way. They just kept their heads straight forward and ignored me.

--

**EmmettPOV**

24 hours and 8 minutes and 35 seconds until I see Rose on the pole...24 hours and 7 minutes and 3 seconds until I see Rose on the pole...24 hours and 6 minutes and 42 seconds until I see Rose on the pole...

I glanced to my side and saw Jasper writing down notes in his big notebook. He's such a suck up.

--

**JPOV**

I was able to sneak in the "Kama Sutra" book that I pilfered from Edward into my notebook and I couldn't stop looking--my eyes had been glued on the book for 4 hours now, and the only break I took from reading was to write some sideliner notes for Alice's reading pleasure. Wow...look at that position...good thing I'm partnered with a flexible little pixie...

--

**EPOV**

Carlisle was looking at me the most as he wound down his lecture. "I thought I had raised you boys better, to cherish and respect the women in your life better. Do you think I marked Esme's and my last anniversary with a...a sex toy? Have you guys completely forgotten that roses and chocolates and jewelry would be more appropriate gifts for your loves than pallettes full of sexual warming liquids?"

If he were human, his face would be beet red right now-that's how fustrated he was. "Has romance been completely anniliated in your MTV riddled minds? If I don't see some changes quickly, that's it. I"m pulling the plug on our cable--AND the Xbox 360."

Jasper and Emmett finally moved from their frozen positions, gasped at eachother, and then peered back at me. I was certain they hated me, I was sure Alice and Rose were mad at me as well. But their anger at me was manageable. What I was truly worried about more than anything was how my Bella would react to me tomorrow. After everything I"d done to her, would she forgive me?

--

**BPOV**

It was already 7:42 AM--and school started at 8:00 AM. But Rose refused to move from the mirror.

"I can't go to school like this-WE can't go like this! We look like the Baron Von Fcking Trapp Family, complete with window curtained Lederhosen!" Rose looked at herself in the mirror, apalled to be covered up so modestly and unfashionably. "I have a sailor dress on. The last person to try to pull off a sailor dress successfully was Shirley Temple--in 1932!"(**photo of the dresses Esme had picked out for them in my profile--check it out**).

We were all dreading school today. After our "modesty makeover" with Esme yesterday, we "girls" were we positive we had gotten the short end of the styling stick.We didn't know for sure, since Carlisle had kept the boys away from us until our upcoming grand debut this morning. But it was hard to imagine Esme doing a fruitier job on them than she did on us.

Yesterday Esme was mortified at the "fashions" that were prevalent at the mall for her "makeunder" on us, so we ended up looking at a bunch of vintage stores for more "appropriate" styles. Esme was sure she had hit the jackpot when we hit one store with a huge rack of dresses that covered both our top and bottom halves modestly.

"These dresses are beautiful, girls--you'll be looking pretty and lady like at the same time."

Alice grimaced in pain with each new dress Esme pulled out. "Mom, I hate to break it to you, but it looks like the costume cast offs from the local community theater playhouse. They just finished their run of the musical "Oklahoma!" a couple months back, and nothing says "Okie" like a floral patterned farmhouse lounge dress. I don't "do" farmhouse lounge chic, Esme."

But Esme had a "way" about her that could melt even the coldest of hearts-in other words Rosalie. She would give this silent look that made Jasper's emotionally influential powers pale in comparison. Without even knowing how we got there, we were back in Esme's car, driving home, with a mini-wardrobe bag each of dresses that would have made the Queer Eye Boys orgasm in anticipation of making over.

Now, here we were, Alice looking like an extra from "Oklahoma!," Rose looking like a Von Trapp Family reject, and me looking like a reject from the musical "Hairspray," ready to walk down the staircase to make our "modesty debut" in front of their men.

Rose sniffled as we headed towards the stairs, "I will so deny Emmett sex for one month if he laughs at me..."

**--**

**EPOV**

As the girls were coming down the stairs, Jasper let out a stifled giggle. All three girls had their heads down, unwilling to make eye contact with us. Even though they looked a little silly in dresses that seemed to have come from a time machine, their beauty still shone through. Especially Bella's. She could wear a potato sack and still be radiant.

--

**BPOV**

I heard Jasper's soft laugh and I finally looked up. Ready to plead with Edward not to look at me. When it just came out of my mouth: "**OHHHHHHH"**

--

**APOV**

**"MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY" **

--

**RPOV**

**"FCKINNNNNGGGGGGGG"**

--

**ESMEPOV**

**"CARLISLE!!"**...Tell Rose to stop using such words!"

--

**BPOV**

Oh. my. goodness. Where do I begin. The boys...all three of them...dressed...what the hell...like... Queer Eyed Carson Cressley's wardrobe had thrown up all over them: **(please look at the picture... now...I"m serious...or else this doesn't work...lol...in my profile chapter 22 of the boys' outfit--Emmett's the kid on the left, Edward is the kid in the middle, and Jasper is the kid on the right).**

Emmett and Jasper looked the hot mess, don't get me wrong. But what the hell did Esme do to my Edward? He was dressed in white pants, white shoes, a dark blue blazer, a bright purple golf shirt with a scarf wrapped around his neck. Like he was some flamboyant or else color blind old rich man who was going to sail the high seas in his yacht or something. I couldn't help but let out a huge giggle.

--

**RPOV**

"You guys look like a bunch of gaylords. Which is fine for you, Edward, since you've always been questionable...but Emmett..." I couldn't help but shake my head in shock, seeing my manly Emmett emasculated to such a large degree. I turned spitefully in Esme's direction.

"You are a real criminal mastermind, Esme. Here I thought this was a modesty makeover. When in reality, it's a way to make us all become born again virgins since none of us will be getting laid looking like this!" I stomped my foot as I pointed to my sailor insignia on my dress.

Esme shook her head, most likely at my "colorful language" as she calls it. "Rose, please...work on your vocabulary. But say what you want about how the boys are dressed--I simply modeled their look after the very famous AND desirable Jonas Brothers. Who are cute as a button AND Virgins."

She walked slowly to face us all now. "Which brings me nicely to something that both Carlisle and I expect you to do today. You will not head home right after school today. Carlisle and I expect ALL of you to attend the "True Love Waits" Club meeting today, straight after school. This is mainly for Bella and Edward to get back on track with their relationship. BUT-we expect ALL of you to attend and to hopefully get some insights about yourselves and your relationship today."

I scrunched my face at Esme. "What is "True Love Waits?""

Esme smiled. "It's your school's Virginity Pledge Club that promotes sexual abstinence--AND promotes healthy relationships between the two genders that isn't dependent simply on sex. Now run along kids, be good today, watch your mouths, and boys--don't forget to open the doors for your girls while getting into the car right now!"

--


	24. The Cullen Brothers

**Chapter 24: The Cullen Brothers**

**note: Aw, I really wasn't blasting the Jonas Brothers last chappie. I just thought they were a totally innocent foil for the contrasting bad ass Cullen boys. Like they were the lambs to the cullenistic lions! Lions and Lambs don't wear the same types of threads!**

**note: Re: being too OOC in this story--in many ways, this story is trying to subvert the Twilight character types NOT from the Twilight Series canon, but from the Twilight Fanfiction canon(ie, Alice the fashionista spazz makeover queen, Emmett the big dumb jock,etc). The humor comes from subverting the types, so OOC is part of the joke. I'm going for broad comedy here, not subtle. We are talking telemundo--old-drunk-man-in-a-bee-costume broad comedy even!:)**

**note: Thanks for all the reviews-even the negative ones are helpful!**

**BPOV:**

With Carlisle and Esme looking on, the boys opened our doors and let us in first. Edward scooted in and put his arm around me gently. He smiled a reticent smile my way, and I answered with a full blown grin. "You look beautiful," he said quietly.

"Shut up," I whispered back. He let out a small laugh-which alerted Rose to us being way too happy for the circumstances.

"Bella and Edward-stop smirking. This is all your faults, with your stupid human sex tricks!" Emmett gave her a soft elbow jab and warning glance, but she just glared right back at him.

"Rose, enough. Leave Bella alone. If anyone is to blame, it's me. I'm the reason this is happening right now, and I'm sorry. I won't let anything like "that" happen again though, I promise." He gripped his arm around my waist protectively and met Rose's gaze until she looked away. He then looked down at me thoughtfully and gave me a reassuring wink. Damn, I forgot how hot Grampy Edward could be when he regulates. Go Big Papi.

A funny thing happened before school-we expected to be mocked and laughed as we walked on campus. Instead, the girls swooned over the boys for looking...like the Jonas Brothers. If I had a penny for every time a girl squealed or gasped at the Cullen Boys' metrosexual makeover, I'd be able to buy a titanium bat to swat all the hoes off my man. Girls usually just drooled from a distance when it came to the Cullen Boys. But with them looking more human and less threatening in their Jonasesque apparel, girls were actually approaching them and complimenting them face to face--and more importantly, getting their paws all over them. Who knew that the vampire qualities that usually repel humans didn't even have a chance against the holy trinity of Jonas?

Once Jessica asked if she could take a picture of them with her, what seemed like a million cell phones flipped open in succession as every other female in the vicinity decided they wanted a picture too.

When a perky little JV cheerleader named Piper was ready for her picture, she screamed out, "OhmyGawwwd, the Jonas Brothers are brothers, and so are you guys! It's so fetchin' cute!" After she got her picture taken, she quickly turned around, gazed up at Jasper, and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before giggling off with her friends as she squealed, "He's so wintery fresh and cool! Like a human breath mint!" Jasper was shocked at first by her aggressive closeness, but then let out a quick smile-before he realized his girlfriend was watching.

Alice was seething as she screamed out in the cheergirl's direction: "Don't MAKE me take my shoes off, Piper! I will stick that megaphone of yours up so far where the sun don't shine!" She stared in our direction."Why are we stuck in these fashion diasasters while every female human in Forks molests our men? I feel sexually powerless in the farmdress to stop it!"

I couldn't help but laugh. "I think that was the point for Esme-after all the sexual scheming and escapades in the last several days, sexual impotence was what she was going for..." I paused as I watched Rose concentrating very intently." Rose, what are you doing?"

She was taking off her pointy, new modesty flats she was wearing on her feet, and without warning, threw it in a spinning motion with the precision of a quarterback- having it puncture right into the back of Lauren, who was rubbing Emmett's arm as she posed for the cellphone camera.

"OW!"

"Ha! I hope the toe broke through skin...but not too much to make a bloody gashing wound, or else Jasper Jonas won't be able to stop himself from having a mid-morning snack...wait a minute, that's not a bad idea..."I took away her other flat before she gave it another go. Note to self: Keep pointy, sharp objects out of Rose's hands today.

Edward seemed completely unfazed by the attention-he was his usually reserved self who seemed impatient with all the spectacle. He kept rolling his eyes and looking back at me. But Jasper and Emmett seemed to be enjoying the crowd of admirers who were hovering over their every movement. They were used to admiration, but it was always mixed with distance and fear. Right now, they were getting up close and personal admiration mixed with overzealousness.

Emmett threw his head over in Jasper's direction and yelled out over the female chattering, "Dude, I'm letting Esme dress me everyday!"

While no one was giving the same amount of positive attention to us girls, Alice and Rose were actually getting compliments for their look. Since Forks was so tiny and the Cullens always came off more cosmopolitan and fashion forward, it seemed that everyone assumed farmhouse chic and maritime themes were going to be the next big things on the runway. With the countless inquiries about her dress, Alice answered the same way each time in a jaded manner, "Yes, Zac Posen. Spring Collection.The buzzwords this season are "rural" and "shapeless."" Only a pixie could pull that tale off.

Like their male counterparts, in those intensely hideous dresses, Alice and Rose had a more approachable look to them.I had never seen human students actively engage them at the level they were at this point. It was almost disconcerting how the invisible, defensive barrier between vampire and human were being blurred.

As for me? My inescapble humanity made me simply look like I was wearing a Halloween costume. People inquired alright-but more about why I was dressed weird. I answered the same way each time like Alice did as well: "I have to give a monologue in character from "Our Town" in American Literature next period."

--

**EPOV**

"Emmett!" Rose was emptying both of his pants pockets at the cafeteria table-they were both full little pieces of paper. She unwrapped one of the pieces of paper and scrunitized it closely. "Digits? You are collecting human digits?" She whispered spitefully.

Emmett looked back at her innocently. "What? Jasper and I have a bet going on to see who can get the most digits before school ends. I've got 20.00 on the line, Rose-don't throw any of them away "

Alice looked over at Jasper and slapped his head before emptying his pockets out too.

Jasper tried to stop her. "Don't you want me to win, Alice? My glory would be your glory, woman! Don't you want to be with the officially most hottest of the Cullen Brothers?"

Alice glared at Jasper as her eyes narrowed in a sinister manner. " First off, stop speaking about yourself in the third person. Secondly, you are taking this Jonas Brothers deal too far-have you noticed both Emmett and you have been speaking of yourselves as one entity all through lunch-as the Cullen Brothers? I don't see Edward doing that."

Alice looked at me with approving big sister eyes. I nodded back smugly in Jasper's direction--just to get a rise out of him. It was nice to be back in my Golden Boy of the Family position again.

Rose chimed in next. "And I don't see Edward's pockets pouring over with human digits either!"

Emmett grimaced and spoke in a booming voice that silenced the whole cafeteria: "Oh, if we could ALL be like Eagle Scout Edward, the world would be a better place. I guess that means I should buy a pallette of KY too just like Edward so I could KY sop you up like biscuit in gravy the way he does with Bella!" His indignant face slowly melted into mortification as he realized the whole cafeteria had heard him.

"Emmett!" I whispered fiercely. "Badly done!" I grabbed Bella by the hand and quickly took her out of the cafeteria. As I spun her around around and held her closely, I asked her if she was okay.

--

BPOV

Edward held me and as he stared at me with a tortured expression.

"Bella, I'm so sorry for what Emmett said right now. And I'm even more sorry that I gave him the ammunition to say that."

I couldn't help myself--I started cracking up. Edward looked thrown for a loop.

"Edward, stop apologizing! It was sort of funny. Biscuits and gravy...pshhhh..."

Edward's face relaxed slightly before his stare fixed on me intently. "Bella, will you ever forgive me for what happened yesterday? I know I can never forgive myself, so I can't imagine you ever--"

"Edward! Stop. I"m glad Grampy Edward is back alive and kicking, but you need to promise me you will stop apologizing all the time. I really don't want to hear how sorry you are that you wanted to have sex with me." I giggled and leaned in for a quick kiss.

He put his arms around my waist and wouldn't let my lips go. His cold, smooth lips opened against mine and before I knew it, we were in full makeout mode. And here I thought my "Our Town" dress had rendered me completely sexually impotent!

Suddenly, Rose screamed, "Somebody stop them before Dirty Eddie comes back and then we'll be forced to dress like Mennonite and Amish bitches!"

I laughed and let go, but Edward's hands were still on my waist firmly, not letting me pull away completely. I looked up to ask him what he was doing-when I saw his eyes were dark and his face was wanting. Wanting in all the wrong ways.

"Edward? Are you okay?..."I paused slightly not sure if I wanted the next words to come out. "It is...Edward, isn't it?"

--


	25. Ben Cheney Is The Man

**Chapter : Ben Cheney Is The Man**

**note: This chapter is very silly, but I do want to make it clear I"m not making fun of virginity AT ALL or chastity clubs in general. It's just being used for comedic purposes since we have sexually active vampires sitting in on the meetings...lol **

**note: I have no idea how Chastity Clubs are conducted. I googled up a True Love Waits pledge and then made the rest up. Wanted to put that disclaimer out there!**

**note: Thanks for all the reviews-you gals are all sorts of awesomeness!!**

**BPOV**

Two minutes left until school was out--and then we were to all head out to the Chastity Club meeting. But more importantly, I needed to speak to Edward immediately. When I asked him if I was speaking to the "real" Edward, the pain in his face broke my heart. I tried to apologize to him, but that only made things worse. He told me he only had himself to blame for my reaction, before hurrying off to his next class.

The bell finally rang, and I rushed out the door-to find Edward waiting. He gave me a sad smile, and I went on my tippy toes to give him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Don't be sad, honey-I was just making sure you weren't going to sop me up like a biscuit in gravy while quoting Kid Rock." He winced and shook his head--oops. My attempt at making him laugh only made him feel more like crap.

He took my hand as we headed to the classroom where the meeting was to take place. Edward turned around suddenly. "Bella, I"m myself completely. Please don't worry that I"m overtaken by anything else. It's just..."

"Hey Edward! You ready to join a club that took 107 years in the making for you?" Rose was screaming across the hall.

Edward rolled his eyes and shuffled me to a corner. "The only thing that's a little different now is that...well, Bella-I can't forget about that night-OUR night. The night of the exam. I DON'T want to forget." He had such a pained expression on his face-as if I was going to judge him harshly for that fact.

I smiled widely and whispered in his ear, "Me neither. I think it's okay to admit we can't go back to how things were completely before that night too."

A warm grin of relief and understanding splashed over his face-before I had Rose grabbing me roughly: "Break it up you two. Bella is sitting with Alice and me during the Virgin meeting, Edward. You can go sit with your nasty brothers and impress eachother with all the wads of human numbers you collected."

"Rose, I didn't collect human digits, remember? I already have my human." He winked at me.

"Fine. Well, you still have penis, so stay away from us.We are having a Cullen Sisters only meeting."

--

**APOV**

Rose and I were not going take this lying down-we weren't going to let the "Cullen Brothers" get away with all the attention while we were dressed like rejects. It was time for the "Cullen Sisters" to make their debut tomorrow. The Virgin meeting was starting soon-the seats were filling quickly--so I wanted to make sure Bella would be on our side of the family battle.

"So, Bella, are you in?" I whispered as she sat down next to me. I then gave Jasper a sneer from across the circle of deskchairs as he and Emmett were busy counting their crumbled pieces of girl numbers.

Bella looked at me in confusion. "Alice, I"m not mad at Edward since he wasn't trying to get any numbers from the human girls. So, why would I participate in a revenge plan?"

I rolled my eyes. "Because you are suppossed to side with US first. WE are your sisters! Sisters always come before boys! WE have been on your side the whole time you tried to get laid by Edward if you haven't forgotten!And he's our brother!"

"Um, AHEM...the True Love Waits meeting will begin shortly, so if you could please lower your voices..." Ben Cheney looked straight at us with a shocked face.

"Alice, shut up with all your "let's get Bella laid" talk." Rose motioned over in Ben's direction. "You are totally scaring Virgin Boy over there."

Bella gasped in embarrassment as she pinched Rose. "Sorry, Ben, we'll keep our voices down."

Ben and his girlfriend Angela then went to the front of the classroom and began the meeting.

--

**BPOV**

Ben and Angela looked so cute up front, holding hands. I had no idea they were the head of the True Love Waits Club. They were easily my two favorite humans at the high school. Angela called the meeting to order.

"I'm so glad everyone could make it. And we are thrilled to have some new faces join us today. It's great to see the Cullens and Hales present, as well as my good friend Bella Swan." She winked my way.

"Since we have some visitors today, I'd like to just go over the pledge that basically unites all of us in here, and if any of you visitors would be interested in taking the pledge at some point in the future, just let us know. There's no pressure either. The pledge that we have all committed to uphold is the following..." She let Ben take over the honors.

"**I, Ben Cheney, promise to abstain from sex until my wedding night. I want to reserve my sexual powers to give life and love for my future spouse and marriage**."

Alice's head tilted to the side as she whispered loudly enough for the entire classroom to hear, "Well, I hope all the huma-I mean... high school girls understand that poor Jasper's "reserves" only shoot blanks if you know what mean...no life giving with be coming from THAT reservoir of love." Jasper stopped the counting of his human digit papers and shot Alice a glare. He then looked down quickly.

"Crap, I lost count! I have start all over, Emmett..." Alice laughed smugly. He threw all the wads of paper back onto the desk and restarted the counting.

"1,2,3..."

Ben tried to regain control. "Ahem...**I will respect my gift of sexuality by keeping my mind and thoughts pure as I prepare for my true love**."

Rose nodded with interest. "Wow, I never thought of my sexuality as a "gift" before...I only thought of it as a weapon..."

Ben cleared his throat. " **I commit to grow in character to learn to live in love and freedom**."

Rose giggled while she leaned in--why she leaned in was the question. She didn't try to whisper--she used her regular voice. "Well, poor Virgin Boy better hope he can grow ALOT. Cause he only reaches Angela's shoulders. I mean seriously, how are they going to work it out sexually?Is she always going to have to be on top to neutralize his hobbit stature? Well, at least she can mix it up with a Reverse Cowboy position here and there..."She laughed loudly as a thought came to her..."Or maybe they can borrow Edward's sex swing!" I slapped her leg fiercely to shut her up.I wanted to curl up and disappear at that very moment.

Poor Ben's face was bright red. In a firm voice he responded to Rose:"Um, Rose? You discussing my girlfriend and me in sexual ways was extremely disrespectful to the both of us right now. If you could apologize to Angela, I would really appreciate it."

DAY-UM. Everyone watched in stunned silence-even Jasper and Emmett stopped counting. Edward was trying his hardest not to laugh. NO ONE ever tells Rose what to do like that. Especially in that tone.

Rose's eyes narrowed--and then out of nowhere she let out a huge smile. "You got some big 'nads on you Virgin Boy that make up for your shorty status." She turned to Angela. "Sorry Angela, I didn't mean to disrespect you."

Ben grimaced. "And Rose, if you could please call me by my name and refrain from using the word 'nads, that would be appreciated too."

"Sure thing...Ben." Alice and I both cocked our head in Rose's direction--did she just use her "sexy" voice on 5'3" Ben Cheney?

--

**EPOV**

It seems every week the True Love Wait Club worked on an activity that related to keeping the pledge's meaning in mind. This week Ben and Angela were demonstrating ways for people to work on character growth so that they would eventually be ready to find their mate. I didn't think I would enjoy the meeting, but I was actually getting some good tips from it. I think I was enjoying it so much because Angela and Ben were really great instructors-and examples. They seemed to have alot of peace with their relationship-maybe Ben would be someone to talk to later for some pointers.

Ben was illustrating this week's activity in front of the class.

"So, one way we can all work on our character growth is to actually look outside ourselves and appreciate the ones that mean most to us. Angela?"

Angela walked up with a small cookie jar that was full of little pieces of paper. Somehow I had a feeling they weren't wadded up pieces of human digits.

"This is my Valentine's Day gift that I got from Ben this year. Well...one of several gifts that he gave me." She smiled at Ben. "But this was the gift that meant the most to me. Because within this jar are 365 notes for each day of the year that Ben hand wrote that tells me something he loves or appreciates about me. I take one out every morning before school and it lets me remember all the things that make me special to him. And it's those very things we have been able to discover within a chaste relationship.Today my note read that Ben loves hiking with me, because we can share the beauty of a sunrise or sunset together like we are the only two people on earth. "

"(Cough)...kiss ass...(Cough)..." I smacked Jasper for his rude display towards Ben, while Emmett let out a huge chuckle.

Alice and Rose, who seemed enthralled by Angela's presentation, shot both their men warning glances for their outburtst.

Rose suddenly raised her hand all impatiently. Oh dear Lord...

"Ben? Ben, can I ask you a question from a male perspective?"

Ben looked very scared."Uh, that's fine, Rose, as long as you keep it clean."

"Well, I see you collected a bunch of wads of papers for Angela to express your love for her. How should a girl feel if HER man collected a bunch of wads of papers in his pockets--but instead of love notes for his woman, they were a bunch of numbers he was collecting from other girls just to make himself feel more potent because his live giving reserves were on empty?" Emmett shook his head her way as she smiled triumphantly.

Ben grimaced. "Well, Rose, this scenario touches on two points from the pledge. Pure thoughts are the precursor to our actions-if a guy is trying to get a whole bunch of numbers from girls while he's already in a relationship, that means impure thoughts are already being put into action. He's only one step away from actually calling these girls...and one more step away from actually trying to meet up with them. He's playing with fire. And secondly, what kind of character growth is being shown here if some guy feels insecure enough to have to prove his manhood by asking AND collecting random women's numbers? It's sort of pathetic really."

I couldn't help myself, I let out a huge laugh at the same time that Rose and Alice did. Emmett and Jasper were livid. Emmett stood up.

"Listen ...BEN...I may have collected a couple digits today..."the pieces of paper on the desk told otherwise..." But don't get on your virgin high horse and say I"m pathetic. The main reason I got all these digits is because my BROTHER and I have a bet to see who could get the most digits. It's nothing more than a friendly family wager." Emmett stood as tall as he could as Ben stared on.

Ben snickered, and refused to look intimidated by my bear of a brother. "I'm sorry Emmett, but you aren't helping your case. You are a big guy, and I respect your size, but your size and strength don't change the facts of the matter. If gambling and your vanity are more important than the honor and respect of the woman in your life, where you are actively pursuing others for their numbers, that IS pathetic. And another thing, Emmett-trying to taunt me for being a virgin won't work-I only hear it as a compliment every time you throw it out at me."

The whole room grew unbearably silent as Ben and Emmett stared eachother down. Rose and Alice began to hold eachother's hands and bounce up and down in their seats in condonement of what Ben had just expressed. Rose squealed out, "Emmett, you so just got pwned by someone who you outweighed by 3rd grade! I never knew virginity was so butch-a-fying!"

--

**BPOV**

Edward was able to calm down the situation by getting Emmett to sit down, thanking Ben for his commitment to his ideas, and then making Emmett understand that Ben was simply answering questions in the capacity of the club President. Emmett eventually apologized to Ben and Ben gladly accepted it with a handshake.

"Well, I think this has actually been a VERY productive meeting, and I would like to thank everyone for coming." Angela was honestly the sweetest girl ever--if I was her, I would have said the Swans, Cullens, and Hales were banned for life from all future meetings.

Rose shot her hand up again--she looked like a first grader who was overeager to answer a question the way she darted her hand up and waited impatiently for Angela to acknowledge her. "Yes, Rose?"

" I want to take the pledge. I want to be a True Love Waits member."

Angela looked a little surprised. "Are you sure Rose, you can think about it a little bit and come back next week."

Rose shook her head. "No way! I want to get my pledge on!"

Alice raised her hand. "Me too! I totally want to become a recycled virgin!"

I looked at Edward in alarm. What were they up to?

Emmett whispered loudly: "Rose...let's talk this over... AT HOME..."

She glared in Emmett's direction. "Oh, you can talk to me all you want... AT HOME. But that's all you'll be getting from me from now on. Ben and Angela showed me the light, skank. And the light is all about not giving up the sexual honey to vain, prideful, gambling, empty reserved boyfriends like you until you make an honest woman out of me."

Ben and Angela smiled widely and then gave eachother a celebratory high five.Ben offered an encouraging handshake to Rose. "That's the spirit, Rose! That's the Holy Spirit!"

--


	26. Revenge of the Cullen Sisters

**Chapter 26: Revenge of the Cullen Sisters**

**note: Thanks for all the reviews. I've been a tad busy this week, so this chapter doesn't cover all the stuff I wanted to(like them heading to school post-true love waits)-I'll try to update soon though. :)**

**EsmePOV**

Carlisle took yet another afternoon off--twice in two days. We both wanted a united front when the kids got back from school and their True Love Waits meeting. We didn't expect any miracles from the experience, but we hoped that it would give them a different perspective on how to proceed in their relationships. Everything as of late had become so saturated in sexual power struggles and scheming, we hoped they could remember that their love for one another, and how to act on that love, was what mattered most.

"Esme!" Rose walked in excitedly and uncharacteristically gave me a kiss on the cheek. "I just want to thank you for making me go to the Virgin meeting. It was the MOST amazing thing!" She gestured for me to follow her into the kitchen as she threw down her backpack.

"So get this Esme-little know fact: Virgins get TONS of free shit! Check it out, so many businesses subsidize virginity..." She was opening a rather large plastic bag as the rest her siblings were pouring into the kitchen. Bella and Edward looked serene and slightly bemused by Rose's enthusiasm. Alice was radiating a brilliant smile as she sported an identical bag. But Jasper and Emmett? They looked extremely perturbed.

By this point Rose had emptied out everything from her plastic bag onto the counter. "Okay some of this is totally cheap swag crap, like this toothbrush..."she paused to read the tag in the middle of the handle" from Dr. Mason White. Ew, I bet he's a kinky perv--what guy gives out his number on free toothbrushes to virgins?"

I tried to steer poor Rose back on track. "Rose, dear, you were saying how much the meeting had it's benefits?"

Rose's eyes widened again, excited. "Yes-the benefits. Well, if you promise to revirginize yourself with the True Love Wait Pledge, you get all this complimentary swag-we got some giftcards to some great stores..." she rifled through her mound of gifts and quickly held up one of her finds..."and a free pashimina scarf!" Rose stopped for a second and thoughtfully continued. "I always knew witholding sex could be used as a punishment--I just never realized witholding sex could be used for rewards as well!"

Alice chimed in as she ruffled through her bag. "Score, Rose, there's even a 25.00 iTunes giftcard in here--courtesy of Universal City Nissan dealers!"

I tried to sound positive. "Well, it's nice to know so many businesses support virgins."

"But you know who supports virgins even more? Ben Cheney." Rose let out a huge grin.

"Who's Ben Cheney, dear?"

"Um, only the most spiritually awesomest, biggest nadded guy ever! He promise ringed me today." She threw up her marriage finger to reveal a gold band.

Emmett shot back, "It's not a promise ring, Rose. It's the ring EVERYONE gets when they join the club."

Rose let out a huge smirk. "Well, I doubt EVERYONE gets "ringed" the way Ben Cheney "ringed" me, okay? Look how he ringed that mousey Sarah Hovelsen today-it was a total wham, bam, thank you ma'am affair. But when he ringed me? He slid the ring on in such a slow and commanding way while looking at me...he let me know who's in charge. It's like I'm almost his spiritual wife now and shit."

Sigh-that girl's mouth, not to mention her attempts to make poor Emmett jealous. "Rose..."

"Oops..sorry. I'm trying to not swear anymore now that I'm a virgin. Ben Cheney says it distracts from what I'm really trying to say..."

"Ben Cheney said this...Ben Cheney said that...Shut up already about Ben Cheney!" Emmett was getting visibly angry now. Rose smiled triumphantly and continued on.

"AND Ben Cheney said that if a man had a true love for his girlfriend, he would never talk disrespectfully to her. And saying shut up is totally disrespectful, ahole!"

--

**EPOV**

Emmett was still seething over Rose's display of spiritual affection for Ben in the kitchen earlier.

"Of all people for her to be throwing herself on--the guy she just called a Hobbit one hour earlier?"

I tried to calm him down. "Emmett, she's trying to get a rise out of you. This is all about those stupid human digits you insisted on collecting. If you had let that go, Ben Cheney would have never been compelled to come to her rescue in that meeting."

He tilted his head at me in a confused way. "Come to her rescue?"

"Yes, Emmett. This is what it is all about. You gave Rose no confidence in the cafeteria-she wanted you to reassure her when she saw you collecting digits. You and Jasper were enjoying the human girls attention openly. And you KNOW how intimidated Rose is by human girls. How she treated Bella for so long just for being human. And yet you still ignored her and continued your digits match."

"Hey, Edward-who's side are you on, here?" Emmett looked at me genuninely suprised by my line of reasoning.

"I"m on your side, I'm just trying to let you understand you did the one thing today that would threaten Rose severely. And what happens? A human boy comes to her rescue--even if he knew you could flatten him with your thumb alone if you wanted to. Of course she's trying to get a rise out of you-but what he did was somewhat impressive, you have to admit."

"You too? You are a big Ben Cheney fan as well? You know what Edward? Why don't you leave and find the room you truly belong in right now-the "Ben Cheney Makes Me Spiritually Tingle" room with Rose and Alice!"

Jasper interjected, "Dude, Alice does not tingle over Hobbits!"

Emmett, "Oh, that's right. She got "ringed" by Eric Yorkie. She's letting her spiritual genitals tingle over him!"

I left without a word as Jasper and Emmett argued whether Alice was as spiritually whipped by Eric as Rose was for Ben. Enough about my siblings-this was the perfect time for Bella and I to get out of the house. All the attention was, for once, not on us.

--

**BPOV**

"Pssst...Bella, get in here NOW!" Alice and Rose were hiding away in Alice's bedroom and insisted I come in to see the big plans for tomorrow. As I walked into the room, clothes were strewn all over the room in groups-obviously possible outfit combinations for the "Cullen Sisters" debut tomorrow. And what combinations they were-the words "teeny", "tiny," and "hardly there" came to mind.

"What are you guys up to? This is hardly the kind of apparel for "True Love Waits" members, you know," I smiled coyly.

"AND "True Love Waits" investigators," Alice shot back as she led me to one outfit in particular.

"Try it on, we need to all basically match tomorrow."

"Wait, why are you guys dressing like this and how are you going to get away with these outfits when Esme wants us made UNDER?"

Rose rolled her eyes. "How do normal humans UNLIKE yourself who want to wear slutty outfits to school get around their parents, Bella?" She held up her backpack and threw one of the outfits inside. "It's not like they take up much room. Sometimes you are such a human 'tard Bella!"

"And why are you sneaking these clothes to school?"

Alice and Rose both smiled at eachother ruthlessly. "Bella, what's even more sexy than a virgin? Cause you do realize virgins are like super sexy, with all that forbidden fruit written all over you," Alice asked me with a glint in her eye.

"Ummmm, a recycled virgin dressed in a sailor dress?" Rose hit my head quickly.

"No, silly! A virgin--whore!" She smiled proudly.

"HUH?"

Alice sat down. "Think about it. When you were a Charlie sock wearing, straight up virgin, you were sexy to Edward still. But when we virgin whored you up a little this last week, Edward totally lost it. Virgin whores are irresistible! Even the 40 year old virgin times 3 couldn't resist it! How do you think a bunch of horny 17 year old human boys will fare tomorrow then?"

"And why do you want to be THAT irresistible?" It was a bit obvious, but I thought I should give them the benefit of the doubt.

Alice looked at me like I was a simpleton. "For various reasons, Bella. Number one, we deserve to make up for these wretched dresses we had to wear today. Number two, the Cullen Brothers need a taste of their own human attracting medicine. And number three, we are doing it for Ben and Eric."

"Uh, Ben is taken and Eric is going to combust if you so much as smile his way again, Alice! Did you see his lip quivering when he ringed you, the poor bastard?The last thing he needs to see of you is in virgin whore apparel! You guys REALLY don't have to even try to be irresistible you know-have you looked in the mirror lately?"

"Silly Bella!" Alice shot back. "Ben and Eric know we pledged as recycled virgins and they noticed that our men were not exactly excited about it. So, they mentioned that the True Love Waits Club had a support group for born again virgins to help eachother stay out of trouble. They said the group was a little small but it could maybe be beneficary for us. The meeting is tomorrow and they asked us to bring in some new members for it."

Rose cut in. "AND, Ben asked ME to preside over the support group tomorrow-he said he was so impressed by my turnaround. He gave me a leadership manual and everything! It's so weird how my mind turns him on instead of my awesome boobs or great legs!"

I couldn't help but giggle. "Well, that's great Rose."

"I'm not going to let Ben down tomorrow either. So, we are so going to drum up business for this support group tomorrow during school by preaching chastity-but looking like hot sluts while we do it! Do you know how many boys will sign up for a club with hot virgin whores like all of us? The Cullen Brothers human digits will look pathetic next to our sign up sheet tomorrow."

I tried to break things to them gently. "You guys, I think it's great that you are really getting involved with the club and all. But I think you are sending a mixed message if you use sex to sign up boys to be recycled virgins. I think Ben and Eric will agree with me too."

Rose looked completely unconcerned as she tried on an ensemble and twirled around in front of a full length mirror. She then put on some blood red lipstick and puckered up into the mirror. "I think Ben will agree with me actually. I"m going to blow Ben's...spiritual mind tomorrow in this outfit while I save souls."

Alice let out a huge giggle while shaking an accusing finger at Rose.

"Rose," I said sternly," Don't you dare flirt with Ben Cheney, do you hear me? Angela is the sweetest girl there is."

"Oh, zip it Bella. Our heat comes from our spiritual connection anyways. The hot pants simply make the spiritual connection more...stimulating."

Rose was starting to scare me. "Rose, it's one thing to get back at Emmett for being a jerk today-it's another thing to involve innocent people like Ben and Angela in this mess. And how are a bunch of reformed virgins going to do with your perfect vampires asses encased in hot pants and tube tops licking lollipops? You guys are going to cause a riot!"

Rose turned around. "Lollipops! Alice write down lollipos on our "to-do" list right now. Licking a lollipop while I'm talking about my newfound virginity will sign them up even faster to our club!"

I just shook my head-sometimes vampire logic was so confusing. I left the room in a hurry, even though Alice was calling me to come back.

When I rushed out into the hall, I accidentally came upon Edward. I gave him a quick hug while letting out a sigh. He laughed.

"I know exactly how you feel." He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me in close. "Let's get out of here, Bella. There's too much chaos going on for us to even be missed." He shot me a hopeful grin.

"Yes-please get me out of here. Where do you want to go?"

He leaned in closer and whispered sweetly in my ear, "Anywhere we can be alone."

I raised my eyebrow. "Then what are we waiting for?"

--


	27. Give a Hoot!

**Chapter 27: Give A Hoot!**

**note: Thanks for all the reviews! I love them all...I'm a little late updating just cause so many of you are writing away, making read instead of write myself! Just last night I spent too much time reading a million stories instead of updating--reading fanfiction from nothing left, olivia jane's "The Project," Irisheyes2010 's "Chances," among others--dang girls, you are all distracting me!lol**

**APOV**

Rose and I appraised ourselves in the mirror. "Alice, does this say _"virgin whore" _to you," Rose asked as she adjusted her hot pants and almost see-through tube top. I turned around and checked my short shorts-half of my ass cheeks was sticking out. But what an ass cheek it was, I had to admit.

"You know what Rose? These actually say "_straight up whore_." Not a lick of virgin in them anywhere I'm afraid."

She grimaced. "I was afraid of that."

"You know, Rose, being a virgin whore is all about mixed messages. Like a Catholic School Girl who hikes her skirt up more than she needs to. Total virgin whore. Or a secretary who wears glasses--but goes braless. Yet another virgin whore archetype."

Rose's eyes widened with understanding. "I got dibs on the slutty secretary."

I nodded back. "I am so going to get my skanky Catholic School girl on!"

Rose put a finger up quickly. "Wait-speaking of virgin whores, why isn't Bella in here guiding us? She's been whoring up her virginity all week and could probably give us pointers...BEELLLLLLLLLLAAAAA!"

No one answered back.

--

**BPOV**

"Mmmm...Bella...baby...stop...No grindage! You are breaking the treaty!" Edward's hands forcefully fell to my hips and halted any further motion from my end. We were in Edward's car parked off the road haphazardly, several miles down the road from his house. Edward was leaning back in his driver seat--I was straddling him slightly on top while we kissed. Slightly being the operative word, because just an hour or so earlier Edward and I had hammered out a Sexual Treaty of sorts. We both decided we couldn't go back to our chaste kisses of the past. How far to take it though was where we had some different ideas. So, we made compromises. He got his way to not let clothes fall on the wayside during our makeout sessions; I got my way that we could be less dressed for bed however. He insisted that I shouldn't grind on him any longer; I agreed, but only if I was still able to sit on his lap while kissing. Well, agreeing and doing can be two different things sometimes--

"I'm sorry, Bella, but I can't trust myself when you do that to me." He kissed me apologetically on the nose as he looked me up and down. "You are just too irresistible right now."

I started laughing out loud. "Edward, only you could say those words with a straight face while I"m wearing a dress that was made for an extra from the local community theater production of "Oklahoma!" I looked down and saw the nightmare of a dress I was wearing. " I look totally sexless in this."

Edward laughed. "It may be a silly dress Bella, but I KNOW what lays underneath. I don't need any reminders." He gave me a light pat on my tush and a wink.

I smiled mischievously as I wiggled a little in reaction to his light spanking. "Speaking of reminders, Edward. Since this is a treaty meeting of sorts when we aren't making out profusely..."

He laughed as he rubbed my hips lightly.

"As long as we keep within the guidelines, is it okay for us to have a little fun then? If I come up with some harmless things to do for fun, you won't object?"

He grimaced and smiled simultaneously. " I would imagine I could say yes if we stay within the rules, but what kind of fun are you talking about, Bella?" He gave me a nervous look.

"Smack my ass one more time and maybe I'll give you a hint," I said with the most alluring smile I could muster.

"And no dirty talk! Add that to the treaty conditions...I can't handle you talking dirty to me, Bella."

I looked down towards his lap with smirk. "So I see."

--

**RPOV**

Stupid Bella didn't get back home with Edward until late last night; and once they finally appeared, he was carrying her upstairs to the twin bunkbeds in his room asleep. Esme and Carlisle would have probably been more suspicious of them being missing in action for so long. But Bella was still in her Sound of Music hideous dress-who really thinks she's going to get lucky in that getup?

So, our only solution for having Bella guide us through our virgin whore transformation was to leave for school early with just us girls in Esme appointed dresses--with our backpacks filled with forbidden treasures to change into at school in the restroom.

"So, Bella," I asked as Alice and I excitedly changed in a single toilet stall(excitedly because it was the closest we felt to being human teenagers in oh...almost a hundred years)," tell us how you get your virgin whore on."

She snorted out loud. "I'm not a virgin whore."

"Four words for you, Bella: Carmen Electra Stripping Pole. How many Straight Edge Virgins ride the stripper pole like you do, huh? You are really more of a whore virgin--cause your inner whore has been winning out big time lately."

Bella let out a laugh. "Oh shut up, you Straight Edge Whore-- let's see what you two are working with."

Alice and I came out at the same time and Bella gasped, "Oh dear lord, you two vamps! You guys are going to cause a riot!"

--

**BPOV**

OH. MY. LAWD. Alice was dressed like a porn director's dream. She had a micro-mini plaid school girl skirt on that didn't cover her ass completely, with a teeny white top and a school girl tie around her. Two little pigtails were coming out the side of her head while she wore knee high stockings and heels**.(picture of outfit in my profile) ** Rose was like a CEO's ultimate fantasy secretary-she had on librarian glasses, red lipstick, a loose bun that was threatening to fall out, a tight black pencil skirt, red heels, and a tight fitted white buttoned up shirt--with a blaring red lace bra underneath that outlined how boobtastic Rose's bustline was.(**can you believe I couldn't find one decent picture of a naughty secretary? Blasphemous...This picture in my profile was the best I could do)**

"Oh, this is so mean to do to poor human, hormonal teenage boys! Like you guys weren't killing them as it was just being yourselves!"

Rose and Alice high fived. "Mission Virgin Whoredom accomplished!" Alice wailed.

"Okay, Rose, tell Bella our whole schpeel..." Rose cleared her throat.

"Okay, so you know how Ben made me the leader of the Recycled Virgins and I am in charge of squashing all other clubs so that the Recycled Virgins become THE club to join now?"

I interjected. "Um, Rose correction: this isn't West Side Story and you aren't Riff, the leader of the Jets. And the Key Club aren't the Sharks, and you don't have to rumble them for school domination.Or call them dirty PR's."

She rolled her eyes. "Whatever, whore virgin. So, I'm the leader now and guess what is going on today? THE EARTH DAY FAIR during lunch! Alice and I are going to set up a Recycled Virgin table and get a bunch of signups there. Cause who's going to listen to that blowhard Tyler Crowley go on about recycling plastic at his booth when people could come talk to Alice and I about recycling sex?"

I looked at them stunned. "You are going to set up a makeshift table at the Earth Day Fair...during lunch...today?"

They nodded enthusiastically. "Yep, we even renamed the True Love Waits Club. Get this: T&A!"

Rose pointed at the T decal she had in between her cleavage: "Total..."

Alice turned around and pointed to the word across her ass on her skirt: "Abstinence!"

I furrowed my eyebrows. "Alice, you mispelled abstinence. You have "assbtinence."

She winked at me. "I KNOW, Bella. It's just I don't want the boys to get confused who is the "T" and the "A" between me and Rose."

"Don't worry, Alice. Your perfectly formed tush is poking out of your skirt in all it's bare cheeky glory while Rose looks like her name could be Nipples McGee. I think human boys can figure out who's T and who's A."

--

**JPOV**

Emmett, Edward and I looked lazily around the Earth Day Fair booths on our way to the cafeteria. Our girls had been avoiding us all day-undoubtedly still mad about the stupid human digits competition yesterday. Suddenly we saw Bella stealing posters from the Anti-Pollution booth and the Prevent Forest Fires table. I nudged Edward. "What's Bella up to over there, trying to sneak off with other people's posters?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "Beats me." I followed her as she wound behind other tables and hurriedly handed off the posters to...Alice,who began writing frantically on them and then gave them back to Bella to hold up. Alice was in the smallest skirt I've ever seen, with her perfect, apple bottomed hiney exposed for all the world to gape at. And boy were the human males gaping. What the--

"HELL!" Emmett roared. "What is Rose wearing over there while straddling the table? That's not a Esme dress creation! Why does she have 50 boys hovering around her? What's going on?!"

Alice was now stepping onto the table that Rose was sitting on, holding one of those automated number tag machines you see in delis to help keep lines in order. As she stood on top of the table she yelled, "Okay, boys, you need to take a number so we don't have anyone cutting in line for some free T&A with your club membership!" As she yelled out her instructions from above the table, every human teen boy's head snapped backward and upward, glimpsing up Alice's remarkably short skirt. All of their mouths were open, eyes glazed over with lust for my little Alice. I started walking quickly over in their direction. Heads were going to roll. No really...heads were going to roll...

--

**EPOV**

I saw Jasper rushing over once Alice got on top of the table and was giving every human boy in close proximity a free show. I glanced over at Bella holding two poster signs next to the table-she shrugged her shoulders in apology as I read what each poster said. They were the posters Jasper saw Bella stole that originally read:

**"GIVE A HOOT--DON'T POLLUTE!"**

and

**"ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES"**

But after Alice tacked on some "additions" to the posters, they now read:

**"GIVE A HOOT--DON'T POLLUTE(****YOUR HOO-HA With STDs--T&A'S THE ANSWER!)**

and

**"ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES--****IN YOUR PANTS! SAY NO TO SEX AND YES TO T&A!"**

I looked at her in shock and she just shook her head. "I owe them, Edward. Don't say another word-at least I'm not part of the T and A display...Try to keep Jasper and Emmett in line okay? This Viriginity club may be a good thing in the end for the girls." Maybe Bella was right.

I took Jasper and Emmett aside. "You guys, calm down. Let's just see what they are doing first before jumping to conclusions. I"m pretty sure this is about Rose helping out with the True Love Waits club."

They both sat impatiently as we watched the setup from a couple feet away."Easy for you to say, Edward-Bella isn't acting like them."

"Shh...just watch, give them the benefit of the doubt."

--

**APOV**

"Pssttt... Rose...we have an audience if you know what I mean..." She was looking down stilll but nodded slightly with a smile. "Let's give our men an eyeful," she whispered.

"And an earful," I added with a giggle.

As I handed out the numbers from on top of the table to a sea of smiling boys, Rose called out the numbers and then signed each person up.

"What's your name sailor," Rose yelled out to "number 109." The boy was maybe 16, handsome, I think he was on the football team. His eyes were bugged out, not sure whether they wanted to rest on Rose's lips--or her cleavage."D...D...Dennis Chapman."

"Double D Dennis? Nice to meet you Double D...you a breast man Dennis?" As Rose caught him looking at her cleavage.

"Whhhh...at?"

"You heard me. But let's get back to business. I take it you've been a very, very bad boy..." Rose suggestively put the pencil in between her lips as she waited for his answer.

"Huh?"

"Well, if you want to be in our Recycled Virginity Club, that means you've been a bad, bad, boy. But you want to change now, right Double D?"

He nodded helplessly, watching Rose bite softly on the eraser head of the pencil.

"Well, we at the T and A Club are here to help. We have meetings every week after school, with one happening today. What I need to know Double D is if you are willing talk about sex openly. We need your promise to be forthcoming and talk lots and lots about all the sex you've had up until now, so that we can think of ways not to have all that sex happen in the future. And if you promise Double D Dennis to be completely forthcoming, my sister and I promise to be just as forthcoming in the meetings. We won't leave one sexual stone left unturned." She gave him a wink. "So, are you up for this Dennis? "

The boy shook his head furiously. "Yes...Oh, God...yes..."

"Great! You are officially now part of the club. Remember, the meeting starts right after school today in room 29. Now run along to my sister Alice now, where you can get your free T and A souvenir for becoming an official member." Double D eyed me lustfully up and down with Rose's open invitation." Go get her tiger!" Rose said to him as she punched his shoulder.

I glanced quickly in Jasper's direction--he had a look of pure fury on his face. He hadn't seen anything yet.

As Dennis approached me I fingered the bottom of my skirt suggestively. "Double D Dennis, have you decided to be a very, very good boy now?"

He nodded like a puppy while his eyes took in my outfit.

"How good, Dennis?"

"Very good, Alice Cullen. So, so good."

I put a warning index finger up to him. "I hope you keep your promise to be a VERY good boy. Because if I hear that you've been anything less that good, I won't hesitate to give you a firm spanking on that butt of yours to get you back in line, Double D. A butt I may add that I could bounce quarters off of...you must seriously cross train..." I wasn't teasing him with those words actually, just trying to give the kid a compliment. But somehow it may have been a little too much, because his eyes closed while his throat made a weird gurgling noise.

"Double D, snap out of it...do you want your free T and A now?"

He opened his eyes suddenly, looking extremely vexed and uptight. "Yes, please. Oh Gawd, please Alice...yes...give me whatever you can."

"Well, our T and A souvenir is a free lollipop-BUT you can't open it until our meeting okay? We want to be able to all suck on our lollis together as we talk lots and lots about sex. And uh, how it's bad of course." I lowered my skirt slightly to reveal some lollipops I had tucked in at the back of my skirt as I turned to face away from him. "Now, I know you are a "T" man, Double D. But may I suggest that there are advantages to being an "A" man as well?" I bent over just slightly so that he could take a lollipop out.

Once he took a lolli, I turned around. "Oh Cherry flavor! Good pick, Double D! I see you're staying on the straight and narrow already! Have a virgintastic day and don't forget about the meeting after school!"

--

EPOV

Jasper looked at me with dark, angry eyes. "You still giving the benefit of the doubt to your dear sisters, Edward?"

--


	28. Dangerous Minds

**Chapter 28: Dangerous Minds**

**note: Thanks for the reviews-I love them so!**

**APOV**

Like clockwork, Emmett and Jasper marched over to our little Earth Day "recycling" table. Rose and I had already decided to play everything off casually, and not show them an ounce of anger.

"Hi, boys, if you want to sign up for a club membership, take a number," I said pleasantly as I ripped off two tags for them.

Jasper shot me an exasperated look. "You expect me to take a number and wait in line to talk to my own girl?"

"Yes, dear, I"m VERY busy as you can see right now collecting human digits...um, I mean signatures--oh!" I startled as I looked around quickly to see a randy little Freshman boy stealing a sucker from the top of my skirt in the back. His ravenous eyes scoured over my body as I said, "Have a virgintastic day and don't forget to save your lolli sucking for the meeting this afternoon!"

"You betcha!" He said with the gusto of Tony Robinson.

Jasper leaned into my ear. "Alice it's one thing to get human digits. It's another thing for you to expose yourself from every angle while all but promising sex to these guys if they sign up...to not have sex! I mean, look at you, how could they not think about sex." He was undressing me with his eyes at that moment, his hands lingering dangerously downward towards my backside.

I slapped his hand softly. "Hey, don't even try to get some free T&A from me until you can prove you are an official T&A member, you hear?" I handed him his ticket while he scowled. Who knew virgin whoreness was so much fun!

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**RPOV**

I was holding out a pen to some poor little human boy with acne who was too shy to even meet my eye. "Hey, pizza face, are you going to sign up or not?" He looked up at me, totally mortified. I felt a weird sensation wash over me. I didn't quite understand the sensation-it made me feel...not happy. Not hungry either, and yet somehow empty. And definitely not comfortable or satisfied when I saw that boy's sadness. Wait a minute...could this be the elusive sensation of "sympathy" I've heard so much about before from my family? I looked back at the boy's wide, teared up eyes and realized I had just had what Oprah calls a "lightbulb moment."

"Hey, sailor, don't be so sad. Pizza is like America's favorite meal--that's not such a bad thing to be called." He still looked so deflated, and that odd sensation was still stuck in my gut. I had to try harder. "You know you aren't so hard to look at really. You have really pretty eyes. And you have nice broad shoulders too. If you got your mom to buy you some Pro-Active at Costco and worked out a little bit, you would be hot!"

His eyes brightened, and that odd sensation was feeling less heavy upon me. I continued. "Yeah, did you know Jessica Simpson was a total pizza face before she used Proactive? And look at her now-she's totally doable. You could be totally doable in two months time too with some pizza face medicine and gym time."

"Really?" He said, hanging on my every word. It was so cute to see his face brighten up with hope--as long as I didn't actually look at the pizza part of his face.

"Yeah--I would totally do you in a New York minute after your face cleared up and you were sporting some guns!" A heard a loud, Emmetty cough behind me.

Cough..."I mean, also if I didn't have a boyfriend. And if I hadn't chosen to revirginize myself. Which leads me to this sign up sheet--you want to sign up, Handsome?" I threw that last part in because I was on a Mother Effing Theresa roll right now. Ben would be so proud of me! He ripped the pen out of my hand and signed up quickly.

"ROSE!" Emmett whispered behind me, looking angry enough to make Jasper and Edward close in on him.

"Emmett, I haven't called your number yet honey, so please wait in line with the rest of my lost boys. Number 158!"

Emmett stood stubbornly in front of me. "Who do you think you are, trying to sign up human boys to a virginity club by basically making passes at them?"

I looked at him like he was a dunce. "Duh, Emmett, that's how advertising works. Sex sells-have you ever heard of that phrase?"

Emmett sighed. "But not when you are trying to sell abstinence!" He paused and got a sly grin on his face. "I would LOVE to know what Ben Cheney would think of these types of activities going on in the name of his club!" He started looking around for any sign of Ben.

"Hey, Emmett, I got this gig fair and square, I earned it the old fashioned way. Ben told me he was so impressed by my oral skills yesterday, he practically begged me to take the position."

Emmett gasped. "ROSE! How could you? With Ben Cheney of all people? You are my wife, you shouldn't practice any oral skills on anyone but me!" His face contorted as he said his name.

Edward leaned into Emmett. "Uh, Emmett she means that Ben was impressed with in her oral skills-as in she speaks effectively and could probably persuade people to join the club. It's a very nice compliment actually--he's saying there's alot of depth to her."

"That's what he said!" I yelled out loud. "Or should I say...that's what Ben said! I made a funny, Emmett...Emmett?" I turned around--to find Emmett breaking a brick from the wall behind me. He usually was the one to laugh loudest with my that's-what-he-said jokes. Man, he's so touchy about my spiritual husband!

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000

**EPOV**

Jasper and Emmett didn't understand why I was taking my sisters' outlandish behavior in stride. I had calmed them down and told them this most likely was a one day occurence-a way for them to get back at their unacceptable behavior yesterday. Yes, my sisters were going farther than them in terms of their antics, but they were quote , unquote "teaching them a lesson." I pleaded for them to take everything in stride, join the club, and to even go to the meeting and play nice.

"Kill them with kindness. Their egos are hurt right now. The more you mock them or scold them, the more they will fight back. And I think you both realize now they have more of an "arsenal" than you two do in terms of fighting back." Emmett and Jasper nodded defeatedly. "The more you show them you support them, the more you show them that you are sorry, the more quickly this will all end. Especially you Emmett--the more you chide her, the more her need to be accepted by Ben Cheney "spiritually" comes into play."

I walked them both to the front door of the T&A meeting, which was already in progress. "Now go in there and guilt them into forgiveness by being the best boyfriends ever. And after the meeting, why don't you guys take them out somewhere. Alice and Rose love shopping sprees you know. "

Emmett looked at me, "You aren't coming to the meeting too?"

"No, I need to go run some errands with Bella. I'll see you back at the house."

As I hurried away, I felt like a complete weight was taken off me. I could wash my hands of my siblings' ridiculous antics for a couple hours. Esme was out with Tanya for the day, thank goodness. Carlise was at work. And most importantly-Bella was waiting in my car, after letting me know that now would a great time to have some "fun," as she called it. As long as we stuck to our rules, I kept saying to myself over and over again, what would be inappropriate with having some "fun?"

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

**JPOV**

Emmett opened up the door just in time to hear Rose blurt out, "I'm mean seriously, like clockwork everytime after we do it, he's like...can't we spoon for awhile, Rose?Like a 12 year old girl wanting to hug her teddy!" All the lolli sucking teen boys howled with laughter with that last tidbit-until everyone noticed who opened the door. Rose's jaw dropped open. "Oh, Emmett, Jasper, glad to have you come. It's standing room only, but you are welcome to join us." She giggled nervously. I whispered to Emmett softly to remember what Edward had said, and he grunted softly as he nodded his head.

The room was packed with teen boys while Rose and Alice were standing in the front. Between all the packed in bodies and the excessive lolli sucking and heavy breathing, the temperature in the room was easily 20 degrees hotter than outside. Rose went up to the whiteboard.

"Okay, for those who just walked in, we are thinking about the things we are totally going to miss now that we are revirginized. Anything else I should list?"

My mouth dropped open as I looked at the things Rose had written under the "list" on the whiteboard. Emmett looked at me in suprise too, asking, "Rose and Alice covered ALL those "examples" in the last 10 minutes? With a room full of guys?" We both glanced over at our girls-looking so seemingly innocent and chipper. You could have mistaken them for enthusiastic camp counselors-if it wasn't for the fact they were both dressed up like high priced call girls in fantasy outfits.

The feelings of want and desire were so strong in the room, I had to keep shaking my head to keep my mind focused. Suddenly I got an idea. "Follow my lead, Emmett," I whispered.

I raised my hand. Alice's eyebrows furrowed. "Uh, yes, Jasper, " she asked warily.

"Yes, I would like to add to the list. I'm really going to miss taking my girl out to the back porch, late at night when everyone else is occupied. I'll miss laying her down on that porch swing, listening to the swing squeak as I carefully kneel on top of it, facing my sexy little pixie. I'll miss leaning down slowly, keeping my eyes fixed on her, as I lift her shirt up slightly with my nose. Lifting it slowly, higher and higher, hearing her breathing hitch as my nose on her skin is followed by a trail of kisses from my lips. I'll miss feeling her skin quiver under me, watching her hips move ever so slightly side to side in anticipation of what is to come. I'll miss stopping my ascent north with my lips, and slowly dipping down for a second to suck on her in that sensitive spot just beneath her navel--"

Alice gasped as she fingered the bottom of her tiny skirt. All the human boys were looking back and forth between Alice and me, like they were watching a tennis match.

I nodded slightly as my eyes burned into her. "You know the spot, the spot that loves to feel the pressure of my wet lips sucking softly, than more firmly as I--"

"Wait a minute Jasper." Rose interrupted. "Do you really think I can write all that shit down? Here, let me just write "Jasper will miss screwing on the porch swing."" Rose wrote it down quickly. "Anyone else?"

My sudden feelings of lust were directed on the object of my desire-I stared at Alice and I could literally see my lust pushing up against her. Her breathing was getting noticeably heavier. Alice raised her hand while she stared back at me.

"I have something to add to the list," Alice said breathily. "I'm going to miss sneaking up behind my lover as he works at his desk. I'll miss covering his eyes with my hands softly, while nibble on his ear, watching him shudder at my touch. I"ll miss swiveling his chair around to face me, while I"m wearing nothing but the smallest baby doll, material flimsy enough to just make out the outline of my wanting breasts..."

I couldn't help myself, I let out a growl in her direction as I involuntarily kinked my neck. The classroom was completely silent, except for the faint sound of dozens of lollis being sucked at quick speeds.

"I'll miss--"

Rose interrupted again. "Okay, Can you guys just sum this Harelquin crap up more efficiently? None of us want a 20 page dissertation here."

Double D Dennis raised his hand. "I do! I would like a 20 page detailed report personally." A flurry of hands raised in support of Double D's request.

"Oh, shut up Double D, you just heard her mention her hooters, and now you can't think straight." Rose interrupted. She turned back to Alice. "My arm will drop off if I had to write half of this cheesy crap you are saying. I"m just putting down Alice will miss screwing Jasper on his swivel chair." After she got that up on the whiteboard, Rose then eyed both Alice and I. "And you guys need to buy some Lysol and disinfect all these freaky places you are sexing up in my house!"

"Okay, anyone else ready to confess what they'll miss?" Rose asked quickly

Emmett raised his hand while giving Rose a lust filled look. "I have something to add. And Rose, don't bother trying to write this on the board. In fact, I think it will be best if I just go to the front of the class and explain. Visually, Rose. You know I've never been known for my oral skills." Emmett looked at me triumphantly for using his newly learned phrase of the day in proper context. I nodded in approval--although half of the human boys were snickering at the implications.

"Take that Ben Cheney," he muttered as I let out a snicker.

"Man, is it hot in here or what?" Emmett slowly walked up towards the front of the classroom while ripping off his shirt, tensing his muscles in his arms, shoulders and chest as he made his way through the sea of boys. Rose's eyes widened at his sudden brashness--and then began to roam over Emmett's form hungrily.

--

APOV

"Pssttt. Rose...Don't do anything stupid." I gave her a warning look. "Don't forget, we are trying to make them pay today."

"Oh, like you are one to talk, Ms. Wanting Breasts.." Rose shook her head shakily at me. "But I"m not worried about Emmett. I mean, what could happen with a room full human boy witnesses?"

Judging from Emmett's face? A hell of a lot.


	29. cullens gone wild

**Chapter 29: Cullens Gone Wild**

**note: Thanks for all the lovely reviews, ladies! I'm off on vacation for a week but will update when I get back!**

**"Man, is it hot in here or what?" Emmett slowly walked up towards the front of the classroom while ripping off his shirt, tensing his muscles in his arms, shoulders and chest as he made his way through the sea of boys. Rose's eyes widened at his sudden brashness--and then began to roam over Emmett's form hungrily.**

**APOV**

Oh, poor Rose. Poor, defenseless Rose. I wasn't used to seeing her like this-like a sweet little slutty secretary lamb about to get devoured by a big, sexually irritable Grizzly. Emmett was stalking up towards the front of the classroom, topless in all his musclebound glory. He grabbed a boy's water bottle, and then began to rip his shirt into smaller cloth pieces. Grizzly boy was starting to attract a female gathering outside the classroom as word quickly spread that a Cullen brother just started stripping at the Virginity Club meeting. That skank Piper, the cheerleader who kissed my Jasper on the cheek just yesterday, was calling out to her friends from the window to come over. She had the nerve to begin to open the door even, as if she was allowed to enter. But I quickly got her attention; and with my hands, sign languaged to her I was still going to stick her megaphone up her ass if she even thought about coming into the classroom. She got the hint, and stayed put behind the window.

"You know what I'll miss Rose? Good hell...this is just one of the things I'll miss."

He sat down her down almost roughly on a chair, with eager eyes all around watching. "Rose, do you feel hot, like I do?" She nodded nervously. He unbuttoned the top button of his jeans with a lazy smile, and then began to pour the bottled water over his head slowly, letting the stream of water fall haphazardly over his hair, shoulders, neck, pecs, abs. Once the water was emptied, he shook his hair out and then slumped down onto his knees while he took a ripped piece of his shirt into his hand.

"Rose, I'm going to miss getting into the shower with you after a long day." He began to rub his makeshift shirt washcloth over his moistened body. "Watching you rub me down as you work the soap into a lather, your hands slipping all over my wet muscles..." As he said that last word, he started flexing his pecs, making his nipples jut out temptingly at Rose. A collective gasp outside the classroom could be heard from the female onlookers as I came to Rose's side. "Be strong, honey...step away from the hypnotizing nipples...step away slowly..."

I gave a quick glance in Jasper's direction. "And they complain about us doing it on the swing. Make sure we buy some Tilex on the way home, I'm sure these pervs used our shower at one time or another..."

The girls outside were squealing with joy as Emmett continued to rub his wet body down with his ripped shirt. The boys in the classroom, however, were less than enthused. A random voice called out, "Get off the stage, naked, wet dude! We didn't commit to virginity to watch you jiggle your nips! Bring back the naughty school girl!"

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**BPOV**

Edward unbagged the groceries I had just bought to replenish the meager supply of human food in the Cullen house. He held up my jar of peanut butter and reflexively frowned.

"This has the most unappetizing color and texture. I don't know how you can eat it."

I opened my mouth in surprise. "Didn't you eat peanut butter when you were a little kid?"

He shook his head. "At least I don't remember eating it. Which I'm completely thankful for. It really does make me feel nauseous just looking at it."

I jumped onto the counter. "You are so missing out on one of the best things ever! How can you resist the allure of peanut butter?" I opened the jar lid and threw it in his face. He looked as if I had just shoved manure in front of him and backed away quickly.

"Peanut butter is sweet and salty and creamy all at once. And there's nothing better than a peanut butter and honey mouth swirl." For some reason I was delighted to see that I was repulsing Edward with my food choices. It wasn't often that I got to be the more bold of the two-I was going to make the most out of it. I dug my index finger into the open jar and scooped out some peanut butter. Edward let out a grimace. Next I flipped open the cap to the honey bottle I had just bought. "Down the hatch!"

I stuck my peanut butter laden finger into my mouth and sucked off all the paste. I then flipped my head back, opened up wide, and squeezed two squirts of bottle honey down into my mouth.

I lifted my head back up as I began to tongue swirl the two ingredients. "Ahhhh...", laughing defiantly. The thought of Edward dry heaving over my mouth full of goo caused me to break out in laughter.

When I finally made eye contact with him however, his lips were parted sensually while he gazed at my busy mouth. He walked over to me on the counter and picked up the jar of peanut butter. "Do that again," he whispered softly.

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**RPOV**

Emmett only had to give one quick stare to the audience of boys to get the heckling to stop. He then barked out quickly, "I need another water bottle." A water bottle was flung out of the crowd and binged Emmett on the head. Muffled laughs could be heard sporadically through the crowd.

He glared menacingly at the sea of boys. "If I didn't have a hot secretary to turn on right now, I'd kill whoever did that to me." I loved when he got all murderous like that-especially with his nips exposed!

Emmett turned back towards me adoringly. He was still on his knees while he continued. "You know what else I'll miss, Rose?" He leaned in closer, whispering softly. "Watching the water stream off your perfectly naked, wet body." He gave me a quick wink as he suddenly hiked my skirt up a couple inches and removed my high heel.

I whispered frantically, "What are you doing, ahole? I'm trying to conduct a meeting right now. This looks totally unprofessional!"

Emmett bit his lip. "Damnit Rose, being called an ahole never sounded so hot."

He began to pour the bottled water down my bent knee, and it rushed down my calf and over my foot. Without missing a beat, Emmett bent down and began slurping up the stream that was flowing over my toes. My breath hitched as his slurping made it's way onto my bare toes in a very suggestive manner...

"Ahole...stop...wait...no, suck the third toe...yeah...oh, God...right there..."

Emmett looked up at me and smiled triumphantly.

"Oh, wipe that smirk off your face...and move your tongue to the right just a little...that's right Papi..."

His lips and tongue moved faster with the sound of his new nickname.

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**APOV**

Rose was losing control as Emmett began working his toe sucking action. I had to intervene-if only for the fact that I thought I would throw up if I watched any longer. Jasper shot me a nauseous look and asked loudly, "Didn't she just come from gym?" I nodded disapprovingly.

"Ew, Emmett, stop! Jasper, give him one of your Listerine breath strips for God's sake, to kill whatever germs you just slurped up." That's what I loved about my Jas--he was sexy AND hygenically responsible at the same time_.(a/n: I know vampires don't use listerine mouth strips...but I still loved the idea of jasper being ready breath wise at all times for his perfect Alice...lol)_

But Emmett was too riled up to even listen. He started barking out for another water bottle. "And don't throw it at my head this time!"

Double D Dennis slowly moved toward Emmett holding up a bottle, approaching him the way a zookeeper approaches a lion. "Here's the water bottle, but promise me you leave the nipple flexing to the ladies from now on."

Emmett growled, but Rose was amused. "Wow, Double D, you got a big pair on you to talk to Big Papi like that.I'm impressed. But I wouldn't flex my nipples for just anyone. Geez, I already gave you guys free lollis, and you expect nipple flexing on top of it! I have standards you know...I wouldn't just give it away for free!"

With that statement, a sea of male hands began to shoot up quickly--with money clutched in each hand.

All of Emmett's efforts to seduce Rose were now on the backburner as Rose's vanity came to the forefront. She false modestly put her hand on her chest. "Oh, you guys really thought I meant I wouldn't do it for free--like I wanted money, huh? How sweet!" She tilted her head to the side innocently--and then noticed something she didn't like.

"Wait a minute...you, in the green t-shirt. Are you holding up a dollar bill?" She asked incredulously.

Green shirt boy looked at the crumpled bill in his hand. "It's all I got-I was suppossed to give it to my science teacher to replace the test tube I broke in lab yesterday. But I'll be willing to get in trouble so that I can give the dollar to you." His eyes were earnest, his face hopeful.

"Well, that's a touching story there, Tiny Tim, but a DOLLAR?" She stood up and moved her hand down her body the way a game show hostesses hand-presents a new car."Does this body look like it's worth one dollar to you??"

He shook his head.

She started peering at other bills. "Why the hell am I seeing five dollar bills too? Come on!"

Double D raised his hand. "Well, we are all a little young to have alot of money, but if you pull together the money, I bet it would be somewhat impressive."

Rose's indignant stare processed Double D's point. "Okay, start throwing all the money into the pot right here and let's see what you guys come up with." All the boys started rushing towards the front, throwing their money onto the marked place on the floor.

Rose looked at Dennis. "Double D, you look sorta nerdy. That makes me think you are good with math. Start counting."

Emmett stood up quickly and took her aside. "What are you doing, Rose? Are you actually going to flex your nipples for them?"

Rose rolled her eyes. "Of course not. But I would like to know just the same that they would value the possible experience of seeing my nipples flex enough to ante up a good pot of money!"

A boy raised his hand politely in Rose's direction. "Can we pay with a credit card?"

Rose nodded. "Yes, I'll accept credit. And don't be cheap either with what you charge!" She looked around at a boy with acne. "Pizzaface," she stopped herself. "I mean...Sexy. Keep a tally on the white board for the nipple flexing donations." The little acne boy's face lit up with Rose's name correction and he hurriedly wrote "Nipple Flexing Donation Fund" on the board.

Rose stared at Emmett. "And you think this club hasn't changed me for the better. Look at the hope I just gave Pizzaface by calling him Sexy! " She looked off

in the distance thoughtfully. "You know, they say it takes a village to raise a child. But it only takes one hot girl to make a pizzaface think he might actually get laid one day." She nodded with self satisfaction while Emmett shook his head at me.

Suddenly, the door flew open. It was Ben Cheney. He surveyed the scene before him with wide eyes-and then he began to read the "what we will miss most about sex" list and the "Nipple Flexing Donation Fund" on the whiteboard. "What in the heck is going on here, Rose?"

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**EPOV**

Bella looked at me with a sly smile. "Do it again huh? You sure you aren't going to get nauseous?"

I smiled. "I'll take my chances, trust me." I picked up the jar of the brown butter held it out in front of her. She was about to dip her finger back in, when she stopped.

"Wait a minute, Edward. I got a better idea."

She gave me a dazzling smile as she took my hand and poked my finger into the jar. She handed me the honey dispenser and I flipped the top open. She then lifted my finger to her mouth, winked, and began to suck on it. Her mouth felt so warm around my finger, I couldn't help but twitch my head to the side and let out a tense sigh. Once she cleaned my finger off, she tilted her head back and opened her mouth slightly. "I"m ready for you, Edward," she said suggestively.

I flipped the honey bottle upside down and squirted it in her mouth. She began to laugh. "That's too much," she attempted to say as the honey began to spill out from both sides of her mouth.

She grabbed both sides of my shirt, pulled me closer, and whispered, "Now, I have honey all over my shirt. I guess I'll have to wash it." At almost vampire speed, she ripped off her shirt. "But, Edward, how am I going to clean up all the honey off my body?"

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**RPOV**

I startled when I saw Ben's eyes, full of shock and horror. "Ben! I'm so glad you came! Did you see all the new recruits we added just at lunchtime alone?"

Emmett huffed in response to my appeasing statement and slumped back onto the floor. "Honey, don't you want me to suck on your other foot now?" he asked.

"Ew, of course not, you big perv! I just had gym and ran a mile." I looked at Ben Cheney apologetically and side whispered to him..."Guys who lose their virginity to you..gessh...they stick like glue!"

"Err...Rose, can I speak to you outside?" I followed Ben out, expecting to be read the riot act. Emmett looked at me smugly.

"Spiritual husband is mad at spiritual wifey..." he sang songed.

Once I was outside, Ben offered me a seat on the curb next to him. "No, thanks Ben, my skirt's too tight around my ass and the material will probably rip if I try to sit down that low on the ground."

He grimaced for some reason but continud. "Rose, can you explain to me what has been going on with this support group, starting from lunch where you were doing signups today until right now?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "Sure." I told him everything that happened until now. It didn't seem so bad at the time...but the more I explained to him in words what I had planned and done for the sake of making the club a success, the more I realized that maybe it wasn't the most subtle of ways to get the club steamrolling. His eyes were as wide as saucers when I finished up the toe slurping incident. And then he did a surprising thing. He started laughing. Really loud.

"Rose, you do some very shocking things sometimes, but there's an innocence there at the same time that makes it hard to be mad at you."

He gave me another side glance and then started laughing again. Aw, and Emmett thought my spiritual husband was going to be mad at me. Silly ahole!

"Look, Rose, I think you've thought and acted in such a way for so long that's relies so heavily on your sexuality, sometimes you aren't the best judge of what is appropriate or not."

"But, I really do appreciate how enthusiastic you've been about making the club a success and how dedicated you seem to be at trying to do the right thing. You have a very good heart Rose, I can tell. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise."

He paused, and then continued. "I just think if maybe you had someone help guide you to channel your good heart, we may be able to keep on track a little more on what we are trying to accomplish with this club, you know?"

"No," I said honestly with a blank face.

"Well, Angela may be a really great help for guidance. She's been in the club all throughout high school, and she's one of the rare girls who won't let your beauty get in the way of being your friend. So, I would love to have Angela sort of shadow you in the coming weeks as you continue your duties. You've got great enthusiasm and drive Rose, and Angela will only make your job easier."

How did Angela get into this equation? I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I really didn't like to imagine having to spiritually share Ben--it felt like spiritual polygamy if Angela and I were both working together for Ben! But I knew I had done some mistakes today, so I tried to be a good sport. Especially since Ben was totally suffocating me with all these spiritual come ons about my inner beauty.

"Okay, sure. Angela is one of the few girls who doesn't come off like a bitch at this school..."

Ben threw me a scolding look. "Rose, remember your language..."

I love when he gets all spiritually rough with me like that!

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**BPOV**

"Now, Edward, how am I going to clean up all the honey off my body?" I looked at him with a mischievous smirk. "It's too bad you won't eat honey. If you could eat honey, it would make perfect sense how I could get cleaned up." I looked down at the drops of honey that had fallen on my collarbone.

He moved his head slightly side to side." What does honey taste like? It doesn't look as unappetizing as the peanut butter."

I couldn't believe he was even considering it, so I tried to stay casual. "It's just very sweet tasting. And light. And warming."

He slowly leaned into my collarbone, and gave it a quick sniff. "It doesn't smell bad actually."

"Not at all, it's very light, like I said."

He leaned in even closer. His tongue jutted out quickly, and he made the faintest of contact with my collarbone. He moved back, while he concentrated on the taste that was now on his tongue."I can't say I like the taste of it alone. But against your skin, it's quite...sweet and floral tasting."

He leaned and began licking the length of my collarbone, dragging his tongue back and forth repeatedly. "Mmmm, your skin actually makes it taste delicious..."

I quickly raised his shirt. "Wait, Bella. We are already treading on thn ice, your shirt's already off."

"But my bra is in place and I won't let it move one inch, Edward. I"m just saying, it's a little unfair if I'm standing here without a top while you are fully clothed. It's quite...ungentlemanly of you actually, Edward."

He smiled, and let me pull the shirt off. "Now what, Bella?"

"Well, since honey seems to taste okay for you when you taste it on my skin, maybe we can do a combined honey and peanut butter swirl together."

He looked at me suspiciously as I squirted more honey on my collarbone. "See, I'm not letting it fall down onto anywhere off limits," I said with a wink.

I then dipped my finger back into the peanut butter and proceeded to dab both Edward's nipples with the creamy goodness.

"Bella!"

I looked at him innocently. "What? My nipples may be off limits, but yours aren't." I still had some left over pb on my finger, so I quickly drew a happy face on his six pack. He started laughing.

"Okay, so you suck as much honey off as you can, I'll suck off as much pb as I can, and then we meet back at our mouths at the end...ready, set, go!"

Edward dove into my collarbone with much enthusiasm, licking every last drop of honey on my collarbone. I pushed him back and he licked his lips compulsively. "You make it taste so good Bella..." I shhhed him with a finger. "Don't talk, reserve the honey in your mouth."

I quickly dipped down and began sucking back and forth between his nipples. Sure, the peanut butter was off in no time flat, but I liked hearing him breath hard and pull my head closer into him, so I stayed down there longer than I needed to. When I finally came back up for air, his mouth was on me. His tongue flicked out towards mine, our two flavors mixing and mingling together as much as our tongues were. He let out a gutteral groan deep down inside of his throat as I pushed away.

"No, get back here, " he said with a sexy smile.

"Did you like the peanut butter?"

He chuckled. "Against your tongue it tasted heavenly. Get back here now..."

I pushed him away again and quickly redabbed his nipples with peanut butter while squirting more honey on me. "Let's refuel-I'm smacking two birds with one stone this way-I get Edward and mealtime at once!"

I looked down at the smiley face I made on his abs. "I think Mr. Smiley wants some attention first though. I licked off the eyes, and Edward's muscles tightened. I smiled upwards toward him as innocently as possible-and then flicked off the pb nose with my tongue next. While keeping my tongue out and my eyes fixed on him, I started lapping up the smiley grin that started just a couple inches north of his hipbone...

"What the hell is going on in here," Rose yelled out. Edward turned around reflexively, only to face all of his siblings with peanut butter on his nipples and faint remnants of a smiley face on his bare stomach.

Emmett just shook his head. "It's always the quiet ones..."

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	30. Pour Some Sugar On Me

**chapter 30: Pour Some Sugar On Me**

**note: So, this story is starting to wind down I think, so I"ll try to tell it more efficiently to get us to prom night...lol I am so easily distracted when I write these chapters, I end up farther away from the goal of prom night than closer to it...Must...focus...stay...on...course...about...Bella...seducing...Edward...lol**

**note: Yep, the chappie is named after that ubiquitious 80's nudie bar anthem "Pour Some Sugar On Me" by Def Leppard. It was on Dirty Eddie's sex CD anthology at the beginning of the story, so I thought the song deserved it's own chappie. Just youtube it if you want at the "appropriate time" cause it made me laugh listening to it while I wrote the meadow scene below.**

**note: Thanks for the reviews!**

**BPOV**

Rose and Alice had a fit when they came upon Edward and I playing peanut butter and jelly swirly whirly--on Edward's body. The only thing that saved us from being ratted out to Esme and Carlisle was that we were fully clothed, with the exception of Edward being shirtless.

"That makes it almost kinkier, doing freaky things with your clothes on," Emmett said with narrowed eyes.

"Oh, shut your piehole, Emmett, " I snorted. "I'm on a carb-less diet to fit into my dress for prom and couldn't eat any bread with my p,b, and j. Edward was just trying to make a breadless pb and j go down easier for me..." It was nice to know that I still could play the "Rose by any other name game" somewhat adequately.

Emmett let out a huge laugh along with Jasper. "Oh, I'm sure Edward was more than happy to help it go down easier..."

A scowl came over my face. "Emmett, you have no room to talk. I've already gotten 4 text messages about you taking off your clothes and rolling around in jello while sucking on Rosalie's toes at the virgin meeting. Jessica Stanley forwarded her text to the entire school!"

Emmett let out a manly gasp. "Hey, I didn't roll around in jello-I just poured some water over my chest and took off my shirt. And I only had time to suck on one toe, thank you very much, before that little hobbit Cheney intruded." Emmett shot a death stare at Rose.

I rolled my eyes. "Well, I think EVERYONE of us have done something in the last two days to warrant another Esme-Carlisle intervention. I think it's time to negotiate so we can avoid that."

And so we all hammered out the terms of what would be concealed from the heads of the household. None of us would mention the Cullen Brothers Beatlesque escapades, or the Cullen Sisters virgin-whore exploits, or Edward and I playing edible fingerpainting. But beyond those terms, the battle of the sexes continued. Rose and Alice pushed me me towards Rose's bedroom as the boys clamped onto Edward.

But before they broke us apart though, I quickly whispered into Edward's ear:" Just play along with what they want you to do, and I will too. The more we go along with things, the less they'll be suspicious of us wanting...alone time." I gave him a quick wink while scooping up an one last helping of peanut butter from his nipple and licking it off my finger.

Edward sighed at me with a big smile as Rose slapped me on the head. "Knock it off with your human skank games!"

I gave her an innocent look. "What? I mistook his nipple for a chocolate chip underneath the peanut butter."

Jasper shook his head slightly in Edward's direction as I was being pulled away. "It's official Edward: Bella's inner freak has been unleashed." He shook his head sentimentally my way as he added, "And to think just last weekend she was a mousey little human girl in Disney pajamas..."

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"Now Bella, listen up, since you totally ditched us to be with Edward," Alice said pointedly.

"Yeah, Bella-haven't you heard of the phrase, "Chicks before Sticks," Rose inquired.

"We are definitely not having any sort of sexual relations with our guys until at least after the prom. Definitely NOTHING on prom night, since that's the night they would expect it most, you know?"

I nodded with them, playing along, keeping my promise to Edward intact.

"And to keep our resistance up, we are continuing with our duties with the recycled virgin club and Angela is going to help us this week to make it less sluttified," Rose added. "Apparently, our recruiting methods were a little too unconventional for alot of the straight edge virgins--"

"Not to mention Ben Cheney said we techinically broke several indecency and child endangerment laws as well, "Alice chimed in.

"So, you are in right, Bella? You will go along with us and not give in?"

I nodded angelically. "Count me in."

--

**EPOV**

Jasper and Emmett cornered me. "So, here's the plan Edward. Which doesn't really apply to you, since you've got Bella lapping up your nipples like they are Hershey's Kisses..."

Jasper let out a laugh. "Who knew huh when Alice and Rose took Bella underneath their wings to teach her about seduction that the student would become...the teacher?..." I sneered at him, and he quickly quieted down.

Emmett continued. "Here's the deal Edward. The girls are trying to DENY us." He airquoted "DENY" with both hands. "We aren't going to go down like that though. We almost broke them at the virgin meeting today, so we think with just a little more "persuasion," we can break their resolve by this week."

I nodded, even though I knew they were completely going about this the wrong way. "Okay, count me in."

Emmett paused. "Count you in for what though, Edward?"

"Whatever.," I said disinterestedly. I was just trying to go along with Bella's plan so that they would leave me alone more quickly. I had some tongue swirling to get back to.

Emmett rolled his eyes. "You just committed to trying to get Bella to have sex with you Edward. Not exactly something you need to try at obviously. What we need from you is to simply support me and Jasper in anyway possible--and TO NOT confide in Bella what we are up to."

I nodded again. "Okay. Sure thing-support you in anyway possible and I won't tell Bella your plan."

Just then the doorbell run. All three of us went down to see who it was, and sitting at the door, looking slightly uncomfortable, was Ben Cheney.

"Hey guys-do you mind if I speak with you all for a couple moments? In private-without your girlfriends hearing?"

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**EMMETPOV**

I wasn't sure I wanted to talk to Ben-he seemed to be the reason for all my problems as of late. But Edward insisted I listened to what he had to say. We took him out in Edward's Volvo for a ride so that the girls couldn't hear what he wanted to say.

Ben let out a big sigh in the front passenger seat as Jasper and I watched him from the backseat. "Listen, I realize you guys may be unhappy with your girlfriends' lifestyle choices right now. And I know you, in particular Emmett, blame me specifically for some of their behavior."

"Damn straight I do, Cheney," I growled. Edward shot me a glare from the the rearview mirror.

"Emmett, let him finish..." Ben continued.

"Well, I just wanted to say that I think I know why Rose in particular is focusing some attention on me right now."

I wanted to stick my hand out at that moment and crush his arrogant hobbit head, but Edward was eyeing me in the mirror, making sure I didn't do anything stupid. Ben noticed the look in my eye.

"Emmett, obviously I'm not Rose's type, right? I have no muscle mass on my whole body, I wear glasses, and I come to her shoulders. She didn't even know my name until she came to the meeting-she just called me Virgin Boy or Hobbit if she needed to address me in class in anyway."

I let out a snort as Edward put a threatening finger up in the rearview mirror to shut me up. Suprisingly, Ben laughed along with me.

"I'm just mentioning that so you realize that I realize that Rose isn't really interested in me--even if it's only on a spiritual level--as she puts it."

I let out a grunt.

"I just think there's a couple things going on that are making her act like that, and I wanted to discuss it with you so we are on the same page."

I impatiently moved my hand in cycles, gesturing him to hurry up.

"I think she respects the fact that I don't fixate on her beauty like most guys do and that I showed faith in her abilities outside of her looks by asking her to head the born again virgin branch of the club. And I think she actually wants to have a relationship with you that resembles some of qualities we've emphasized in our club in regards to emotional intimacy."

"Are you kidding me, Cheney? Our emotional intimacy is just fine."

"Emmett, I'm just mentioning this because of the way she reacted to Angela's thought jar presentation. Men and women have different ideas usually of what's fine for emotional intimacy. For instance, what is the last gift you bought her?"

I answered without editing myself. "Um, it's probably the Carmen Electra stripping pole. But she got all mad when I gave it to her cause it's technically a hand-me-down from Bella..."

Ben grimaced. "Wow, too much information in such a short sentence...but anyways, notice she got mad. Partly because it was a hand me down. But also partly, most likely, because it's a gift that objectifies her, Emmett. I think her self esteem is in need of alot of praise for her other qualities that don't have anything to do with her looks. If you fill that void that I think is there, I have a feeling she won't be in need of a spiritual boo anymore." Edward let out a laugh and I flipped him off.

I stared at him in confusion. "But Rose knows I love all of her...she knows that."

Ben shrugged his shoulders. "She may know that on some level, but she may need to be reminded more often so that all of her knows that."

I suddenly felt a wave of guilt for being so mean to Ben Cheney all this time. He was actually a pretty smart guy. "So, Cheney, if you were me, how would you begin to reassure her?"

Ben thought for a moment. "Well, that thought jar we did at the meeting you attended would be a great start. She could read everyday a though about what you appreciate about her-besides her beauty. Just cut up 365 strips of paper, and write one thought that you love about her or a memory that you want her to remember. They will come easier than you think, and it's a nice way to remember just what you love about her too. And as for you Jasper and Edward--if Emmett is going to do this, you know you'll both have to as well. Or you'll be in the doghouse..."

Ben then added on a more serious note, "And you may want to try to respect their abstinence choices right now. I have a feeling they aren't going to be interested in that choice long term, but you will sure show them how much you love them if you respect those new boundaries at the present."

"Wow, Cheney, " I said, "you are a regular &ucking Dr. Phil!"

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**EPOV**

The rest of the night, the girls stayed in their rooms. I met up with Bella briefly as she got a drink of water in the kitchen. She said all they were doing were working on some projects for Ben and Angela's club--she snickered that she thought Alice and Rose had unknowingly been transferred to "out of sight/behind the scenes" duties for the time being that involved them making signs, updating club lists and contact info. I told her I was sworn to secrecy as to what the boys were up to, but that they were taking a turn in the right direction in terms of their intentions and actions. She asked if we could get away tomorrow and go to the meadow, and I told her I would make sure that we could.

Once I got back to the room, Emmett was cursing under his breath as he tried to think up another thought for the thought jar-he had another 200 to go and was struggling. Jasper on the other hand was almost done-as was I. He had a bunch of rejected crumpled strips on the side of him that Jasper and I had earlier rejected--thoughts like "Your breasts are so incredibly large YET perky" or "Even the Victoria Secret Angels have nothing on your sweet ass."

Emmett looked up at us in fustration."How did you guys do them so quickly?

"Just think of anything really, Emmett-how you like her laugh, or how she smiles, or how you love when she tunes up your engine."

Emmett shot me a look. "Perv. Wait, but you just gave me three more. Keep 'em coming."

I helped him get back on track; and eventually, we all finished. Esme had some beautiful crystal vase-like jars she had collected in Europe sometime ago, and we each used one of them to hold our special love notes.

"There, "I said," I like this plan much more than Emmett trying to suck Rose's toes until she succumbed. Much more honorable."

Emmett shot me a look. " I don't want to hear about honor from a guy who still has remnants of a peanut butter smiley face near his happy trails on the lower abs."

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**BPOV**

Going along with the siblings worked out great-they didn't think twice about letting us out of their sight the next day. In fact all three couples ended up splitting up for the next couple hours to "talk."

Edward threw down a blanket in our meadow and offered me a seat. "So, Bella, I wanted to give you something right now..."

My eyes sparkled with mischief. "I have something to give you too."

Edward paused for a second. "Okay, you first."

"No, you go, "I said. I was pretty sure my gift would trump his.

He pulled out a box that was beautifully wrapped, complete with a bright yellow bow. I gave him a suspicious look as I started to carefully unwrap it. I pulled out a beautiful, deep blue, crystal vase, full of notes. I instantly knew what it was-it was the thought jar that Angela had shown us.

My eyes instantly filled with moisture as I looked up at him with puppy dog eyes. "Edward, this is so beautiful! I couldn't ask for anything better."

He impulsively leaned in for a kiss. "I couldn't ask for anyone better."

I picked out a random piece of paper and read what it said. "I love when you sleep and your eyelids flutter when you are dreaming and your mouth slowly turns up at your corners in a grin, because I know you'll be murmuring my name soon after."

I lunged for his arms and hugged him tightly. "Edward, I love you so much.I know this has been the most bizarre week by far, but even in my most desperate moments, I did what I did because I love you."

He kissed me again. "I know that, love.Now...where's my gift?"

I cringed horribly as I remembered about my "gift." I started to shake my head. "No, forget it. Not after what you gave me!"

He threw his arms around my waist more tightly. "I insist."

I started fake crying. "No...Edward, please, now I'm embarrassed..."

"Never be embarrassed with me, Bella."

I got up regrettably and sauntered over to my backpack. "You sure know how to make a girl feel like an idiot..."

I threw out the contents rashly on the blanket. "It's not even like a gift...more like a hasty idea that was not properly thought through." He kneeled over to look at the contents. He picked up a bottle of honey, a bandana, a CD compact CD player, and a CD entitled "Pour Some Sugar On Me"--one of the songs from "Dirty Eddies" playlist. He looked up at me inquisitively.

"Surprise..." I said meekly with shrugged shoulders. He waited for an explanation.

"Well, I was just thinking that since we were interrupted during our pb and honey swirling game, we could properly finish..." My voice trailed off as he waited for further elaboration it seemed. But he didn't look opposed to it either.

"Oh, Bella, I love it when even your one tracked, human hormones show me how much you love me." He gave me a mocking grin while I slapped his shoulder. "What's with the bandana though-that seems a little advanced for us." He raised his eyebrows slightly.

"Hey, this gift follows our rules perfectly, Edward. I just realized how much fun we can have with playing an alternate form of swirly twirly. I like games, I like food, and I like Edward-what could be more perfect?" I tried to look as innocently at him as possible. He wasn't buying it.

"I'm listening, " he said suspiciously.

"Well, I thought we could play hide and go seek. Thus the bandana." I waited for him to ask more.

"Okay," he said, "and how does honey and Pour Some Sugar On Me figure into Hide And Go Seek?"

I couldn't help but let out an impish grin. "Well, I thought I could be the blind folded seeker, the honey could be what I"m seeking, and your body could be the region I"m seeking the honey on while Def Leppard sings an appropriately themed song in the background." I looked at him casually as a grin lazily grew on his face. "Not your whole body either, I'll still play within the rules of our treaty. But if you could lose the shirt, the seeking will be much more enjoyable."

He dropped down on his knees, flipped off his shirt, and put the CD in the player. "Much more enjoyable," Edward murmured.

At vampire like speed, he blind folded me and I could hear the flip top of the honey pop open. I quickly mentioned, "Okay, you have to hide three squirts of honey on your body, and I'll have to seek them out-go." Three squirts were heard, and then the song started playing. I gave up a big smile and whispered, "Ready or not, Edward, here I come..."

_Lookin' like a tramp, like a video vamp_

_Demolition woman, can I be your man?_

_Razzle 'n' a dazzle 'n' a flash a little light_

I giggled as I started feeling with my hands for Edward. He was sitting up on his knees like I was, and my hands made contact chest. "Aw, this song was meant for you-it talked about razzling and dazzling." He let out a breathy chuckle as I started to rub my hands across his pecs.

"Edward, do mind lying down? I think that will make it easier to "seek," I asked. Of course it wouldn't make it easier necessarily-I just liked the idea of being on top of him while I searched.

"Okay," he whispered as he switched his positions to lying on his back at an inhumanely quick pace. I smiled once I heard him finishing his transition in front of me, and I started crawling up over him with a Cheshire Cat smile spread across my face.

"Bella, please behave. Please help me behave too, love," Edward sighed.

"Okay," I said fliply as I stopped on all fours over him. I began to lower my head and sniff him. He took in a deep breath as my lips accidentally grazed a nipple in my sniff sneaking. I crawled one more space upwards so that my face would somewhat align with his head. I bent down again.

"Hmmm, come out, come out, wherever you are," I said to the honey as I began dipping my tongue downward into both ears. I felt him squirm slightly as I licked one of his ear lobes firmly, and I couldn't help but feel emboldened.

_Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet_

_Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah_

Edward let out a soft groan when those words played as I began licking the length of his neck. "Damn, Edward, you hid that honey good. I may have to lick every inch of your body to find it!" His head tweaked involuntarily.

I licked and sucked up his neck,over his chin, and then found my first bit of honey-on his bottom lip. I let out a giggle.

"Edward, you naughty boy you," I chastised him as he began to laugh softly. I was about to dip back down when I had to ask him something. "Edward, quick question-if I lie my body down against yours right now, am I going to get my shirt stained with honey?"

He paused for a second and then said in an unusually low voice, "Yes."

"Okay, Edward, I'm taking off the shirt-- I just bought it--but I won't do anything suggestively without a top on, okay?" He let out a soft "okay" as I quickly flipped it off. And no, it was no coincidence that I happened to be wearing one of my prettiest, laciest black push up bras underneath.

"God, Bella, you are too beautiful right now. I don't know if we should--"

I straddled his waist, put a finger to his mouth, and said, "No way. If anything gets too out of hand we can call it a day. But I've found some honey Edward-and damnit, I"m claiming it."

I leaned down and licked his honeyed lip. Edward's skin and honey created an amazing taste-Edward was already delicious to begin with, but the sticky texture and sweetness of the honey was driving me crazy. I couldn't help myself-I dipped down quickly and forcefully began sucking all the honey off his lip, my head bobbing enthusiastically as I labored. His hips bucked slightly in motion with my head bobbing for a quick second as his hands blindly grabbed for my waist. I had him where I wanted him, and I still had two more spots of honey to find.

"Mmmm, tasty, Edward," I said with a grin as I began to look for more treasure spots. I started at feeling with my hands around his collarbone--no such luck. I then put my nails to his shoulders and began to drag them down slowly.His hands responded by rubbing my waist firmly as his breathing got more labored. I leaned down and decided to search with my tongue around his nipples. I came up empty with his left nipple. But as I dragged my tongue from the left to his right nipple, I struck gold.

_(pour some sugar on me)_

_Ooh, in the name of love_

_(pour some sugar on me)_

_Cmon fire me up_

_(pour your sugar on me)_

_Oh, I cant get enough_

I dipped down and took his nipple whole, twirling my tongue around it. As I began sucking the honey off firmly, his nipple contracted, and he let out a loud growl.

"Bella, I don't know if I can handle you doing this to me to this song. It's too much for me," he gasped out. I lunged up forward and began to kiss him hard, my tongue lapping up behind his teeth and meeting his tongue. I stopped quickly and whispered in his ear, " We are within the rules, love. It's not too much."

I quickly crawled back down a couple paces and licked his nipple a couple more times, making sure no honey was left. I could feel his head moving upward to watch me as I did it. My body moved automatically on their own. I knelt to the side of his body quickly as my hands seperated his legs fiercely and spread them.

"What the--" I cut him off with a shush. I knelt in between his legs now and balanced myself momentarily with my hands on both sides of his waist. "Now to find the final treasure spot, " I said.

I lifted my right hand and massaged both his pecs momentarily, before taking just one finger and drawing it down his body in pursuit of the treasure. I wish I could see him in that moment, because his chest was squirming at my touch and I knew his six pack was tensing at that very moment. I let my finger stop when it reached the top of his jeans. However, I let the finger flick just slightly underneath his jeans--and boxers- for a second before letting it start back up north in pursuit again. Once it reached his navel, I felt warmth and stickiness again.

"Bingo!" I yelled out with a laugh. "You freak, Edward, putting it inside your navel," I teased.

I knew he was still watching me, because his arms were holding up his upper body on his elbows-I could feel that he was in that position. So, I had to make this good visually. Kneeling on my knees inside his upper thighs, I slowly leaned down, letting my arms rest on his abs, and allowing my chin to rest on the top button of his jeans. He let out another deep breath. I slowly leaned forward and then flicked my tongue out quickly into his navel.

Thank goodness he had an innie belly button because there was a huge resevoir of honey within it. The more I licked into his navel, the more the honey was seeping out to the sides--and below his navel. Once I licked his navel clean, I went to work with the spillover.

_Im hot, sticky sweet from my head to my feet yeah_

_Hey! hey! hey!_

_(huh!)_

My fingers began to softly scratch his abs as I licked around his belly button. He was moving abruptly now pelvically-like he was trying to stop from moving, but not completely succeeding. He tried to sit up more erectly now, trying to get more control of himself-but it was only causing the honey to spill lower. I took advantage of this good fortune, and stuck my tongue out below his belly button, licking a straight line down south.

"Happy trails to me," I giggled. That was it for him--he let out a huge groan and then lifted me effortlessly by my shoulders.

"Enough," he growled before bringing me to his lips and kissing me forcefully. I threw the bandana off and wrapped my arms around his neck to bring him closer, and he obliged. His tongue moved swiftly into my mouth, and I didn't hesitate-I captured it with my lips and began sucking on it firmly. He pulled away.

"Damnit, Bella..." he growled. He was trying to get control over himself, trying to breathe deeply as he looked anywhere but at me. I had to get him to glance my way again, for my own vanity's sake.

" Edward, when you pulled me up to kiss me, you got honey all over me...what are you going to do about it, " I asked innocently. It was true. There was honey rubbed against my bare waist as well as the area just north of my bra. Edward's eyes darted to my torso.

Before I knew it, he had me on my back and was sucking off the honey from my waist. His hands were all over me as sucked-it was driving me crazy. My body began moving against his-damn it to hell the treaty. I needed to get my grindage on!

He quickly moved up to my chest area and began to lick frantically.

"Damnit, Bella..." He began sucking on the area just above my nipple, and I had to act fast before his logic came back out again. I flicked my bra strap down to expose my nipple.

"Missed a spot."

_You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little, tease a little more_

_Easy operator come a knockin on my door_

_Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet_

_Little miss ah innocent sugar me, yeah_

Edward didn't take the bait right away. He stared at me for a long moment-long enough for me to wonder if he was disapproving of my sudden exposure. But then he began to lower his head, his tongue extended, looking at me the whole time. He flicked my nipple quickly, causing it to contract on contact. He then began to swirl his outreached tongue around it quickly as I gasped loudly-almost embarrassingly.

Once he finally bent down and took my whole breast in his mouth, I lost it. Having Edward sucking on me like that was more than I could take.

"Gawdamnitholyshitfuckingdamnitholyjebusfuckinga Edward..." I screamed.

His head shot back up with a shocked look on his face and our eyes met for a second. And there was no way around it-- we both began to crack up hysterically.

"NOOO...no, stop laughing... get back to the breast!" I yelled while laughing hysterically, even though I knew it was in vain.

"I think we've broken enough treaty terms today, let's not tempt fate anymore. And Bella, I don't think we have any choice but to move out of my family's house once we marry-if you are screaming like this just from me sliding into second base, I don't want to know the type of screams that will come out when finally are together," he chuckled.

I gave him a huge slap. "Whatever Mr. Groan and Moan!"

Edward put my bra back in it's proper place as he looked at me smugly. "Just remember that two can play this game, Bella." He gave me a wink.

"That's fine with me, as long as we can play the game again tomorrow...and the next day...and the next..." I jumped up and gave him a hug while realizing that things may just very well work out come Prom night...

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	31. Ben Cheney Must Die!

**Chapter 31: Ben Cheney Must Die**

**note: Thanks for the reviews! I'm trying to get us to prom at this point, so help me keep on track...must...stay...on...story...track...!**

**BPOV:**

Edward and I were heading up the steps back to his house--quietly. We wanted to get to his room before anyone detected the mess all over ourselves. Fortunately for us, it looked like Jasper and Alice, Emmett and Rose were still out. If we creeped up to Edward's room quickly, Esme would be none the wiser.

"Hey,Edward!" Both of us turned around abruptly-only to be met with a confused looking Ben Cheney. Confused because he was looking at our disheveled appearances. Edward has some grass left in his hair still from the meadow, and both of us found out that trying to put your clothes back on after any sort of honey escapades was a bad idea. Our shirts were soiled in all the places that had come with the sticky substance.

"Wow, too much information, yet again..." Ben murmurred as he noticed where our stains were located exactly. Edward motioned for me to head in while he started walking towards him.

"Uh, Hi, Ben. I'll meet you inside, Edward, okay?" I zoomed into the house, wondering why Ben was over to see Edward. Don't get me wrong, Ben is a great guy. But he's very virtuous. And moral. And honest. All the things that shouldn't be around Edward right now after he just enjoyed having his nipples sucked. Nipple suckage followed by a holy audience with Father Ben? Not a good combo.

**RPOV:**

"What the hell is this? I thought by the weight and the packaging you bought me something...I don't know..not homemade and shit..." I turned the jar around looking at a bunch of pieces of paper contained within it. "What's inside this? Wadded up, used pieces of kleenex?"

Emmett laughed as he laid back on the blanket he laid out in some field that had a pretty stream running through it. "No, Rose. Those are love thoughts inside of the jar. I tried to to twist them all pretty the way Edward did for Bella. But my fingers are too thick and so they ended up looking all squished like that."He gave me an apologetic look.

"Well, I'll take squished paper anytime in exchange for your manly, thick hands. Edward has the hands of a 13 year old ballet dancer. Can you imagine how Bella feels getting felt up by those ballerina fingers? How people can believe that you and Edwina are actually brothers is beyond me..."

Emmett tried to distract me with the jar again. "Honey, do you want to read some of my love thoughts in the jar?" He was so excited, I tried to be nice and smile back.

"Sure." I took a piece out and unwadded the paper. "Rose...even when you call me _ahole_ and _dumb fuck_, your voice always says it with love."

I gave him an incredulous look. "Really? You hear love in my voice when I call you those things?"

He paused for a moment. "Well, not always, but sometimes I just go to the happy place where I can picture you saying it with love, and that's almost as good as the real deal."

I looked at him with a slight grimace. "You have to go to a happy place when I call you _dumb fuck_?"

His head lowered slightly. "Not all the time. But sometimes it hurts a lot when you call me those things. Especially in front of everyone."

Wow...two times in one week now I've had this happen. I started having that weird sensation I'm not used to, and only experienced once before with Pizza Face when we were signing guys up for our T &A club.I still didn't quite understand the sensation-it made me feel...not happy. Not hungry either, and yet somehow empty. And definitely not comfortable or satisfied when I saw Emmett's sadness. Wait a minute...this definitely could be the elusive sensation of "sympathy" I've experienced once before in my life. Damnit, Oprah would give me a titty twister with all the progress I've made this week!

I took Emmett's hand in mine. "You know Emmett. What you just told me right now reminds me of a Lifetime Channel Movie of the Week that starred not only Tori Spelling, but Valeri Bertinelli too about emotional spousal abuse. And Tori Spelling had this really shitty husband who would verbally abuse her all the time and tell her she wasn't worth anything and that she was stupid. And her husband--who was played by Neil Patrick Harris of "Dr. Doogie Howser" fame--would make her cry so much and feel bad, she started living a double life. She'd become "Sacha" at night and turn into this other personality that was everything Tori couldn't be during the day with her shitty husband-sexy, bold, brave. But Sacha ended up becoming a hooker who was getting beat up by her pimp--who was played by Joey Lawerence of "Blossom" fame--and then she had a breakdown and went to the crazy house. And Valeri Bertinelli was her psychologist who helped her become whole again."

Emmett stared at me in total confusion. "Don't you see, Emmett? Tori Spelling had to go to a "happy place" too to get away from her shitty husband's abuse. I don't want you to become Sacha! I don't want Joey Lawerence to beat you with that really, shiny, bald Mr. Clean head of his when he finds out you've been skimming some John money off the top before giving him his compensation. I don't want to be Dr. Doogie Howser either!" I took his hands in mine. "I want to be the Valeri Bertinelli to your Tori Spelling, Emmett. I want you to feel whole again!"

I took straddled him and began to kiss him passionately, hoping he understood how much I loved him and would try better to not get so Neil Patrick Harris on him anymore. He abruptly stopped.

"Rose, nothing makes me happier than to hear you say that. And nothing makes my eyes roll back faster than to have you so close to me. But...I wanted to show you how much you mean to me, baby. I wanted to show you that I support your work with the recycled virgins club. And so...I"m a member now! I took the pledge earlier today with Ben Cheney. We are both going to live clean and virtuous...together."

He smiled at me so sincerely, so I tried to smile back. I knew he meant well. But all of the sudden, a thought came to me. Emmett didn't want to have sex with me at this moment. He just wanted to cuddle and make me read love notes and shit. What the hell did Ben Cheney just do to my stud of a husband?

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**EPOV**

"What's Up, Ben?" Somehow, I almost felt like I was standing in front of Carlisle at that moment, that's how much respect I had for Ben and how he conducted his life. I looked down awkwardly at my stained t-shirt that basically screamed out to Ben what I had been up to this afternoon.

"You have two, very large oil stains over both your pecs, by the way," Ben said thoughtfully.

"Yeah, thanks I was uh...working on the Ol' Volvo," I said nervously.

Ben's face looked on in horror. "Excuse me? Again, toooo much information about you and Bella, Edward!"

"VOL--VO," I clarified.

"OHHHH..okay...uh, listen...Emmett and Jasper did their pledge today, and they told me to come by at this time for you to take your pledge too..."

"What," I asked in confusion.

"Wait, your brothers said you wanted to do the purity pledge with them..." he checked my face and realized that I had no idea what he was talking about. "Oh, I'm sorry, never mind...your brothers must have made a mistake. I'll see you at school tomorrow."

"Wait, Ben...Can I ask you a question?" He nodded. "Why did you pledge? What are your motivations to abstain until marriage?" I looked at him thoughtfully, suddenly feeling so ridiculous with dried honey on my nipples.

"Well, Edward, we all have different reasons to take the pledge. But for me personally, I want to be able to give my wife the best gift possible on my wedding night. A gift that took years for me to make for her. And gift that put her in my mind every day, even before I knew who she was. A gift that I could give to only her, and whole heartedly, when the time was right. It's the ultimate expression of fidelity, loyalty, and commitment--things that are needed to make a marriage work."

I couldn't breathe for a moment-when Ben said what he did, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted Bella so badly, like this afternoon. And yet, ultimately, I want to do right by her and give her the ultimate in gifts as well, because she deserves nothing less than the best.

"Ben, could you wait here for just a moment. I'd like to talk this over with Bella."

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APOV

Jasper and I were sitting with my car's top down at the edge of a beautiful lookout. He had handed me his present for me without a word, and now I was staring at it. I knew it was the thought jar we had seen Angela display at the recycled virgin meeting. My eyes would have been brimming with tears if I was still human.

"Jas, wow, I don't know what to say..."

He smiled and took out a piece of paper from his pocket. "This was the first paper I wanted you to see."

I unwrapped it "Alice, you are the sexiest recycled virgin in the history of the world."

I looked up into his eyes and felt a wave of lust shudder through me intensely. Jasper's desire for me had never felt stronger bouncing off me. I gasped in reaction as his eyes bore into me. I couldn't help myself-even if I pledged to stay away from Jasper in the biblical sense for a good while, I forced myself to look into the future...to see when our sexual reunion would occur-and how. I focused...and focused some more. Only to come up blank.

"Honey, I have one more thing for you." Jasper handed me a piece of paper--a large one this time. It was a certificate confirming his pledge to become a born again virgin--the same pledge I had just taken days earlier.

"Wow," I said shakily," you are ready to pledge abstinence too, huh?"

He nodded with a grin. "Wherever you go, Alice. I'll follow. I support you and your recycled virginity 100 percent." He gave me a quick kiss but broke it as my lips opened slightly.

"Now, Alice love, Ben told me that the best way to stay on the straight and narrow is to live with one second kisses. One second kisses keeps temptation at bay." He smiled serenely and then held my hand. "Wow, I see how the pledge really changes your perspective right away. I could just hold your hand like this all day while looking at the sunset. It's perfect."

Ben Cheney will pay.

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BPOV

It was all over with. Edward came upstairs, told me all about gifts that take years to make, and how his gift will be the most impressive chastity gift in the history of the earth since his took 117 years in the making, and the next thing I knew... I was taking the purity pledge with him. To maintain our virginity. Damnit, I knew Ben was gonna screw everything up. I scowled at him slightly after we saw Ben out.

Edward looked at me sheepishly. "You know it's just words Bella. If we choose to not go through with the pledge, it's no one's business. I just look at Angela and Ben though, and Bella...I remember when we were more like them. Do you remember being more like them than...Rose and Emmett?"

As he uttered those words, I had to admit I did grimace at that reality. I sighed in defeat. I hated to admit it, but the physical part of our relationship had taken so much focus in the last week, we had lost perspective on the other aspects of our relationship that made it so special. Like the "stuff" Ben and Angela were talking about at the virgin meeting.

"Fine, Edward, we'll try this for awhile and see how it goes. It can't hurt I guess. But what the hell am I'm going to do with this shopping list now?"

He took the list I made for him for his impending human supermarket shopping run and simply laughed as he looked at the content:

**Food List for Bella:**

**Honey**

**Creamed Honey**

**Maple Syrup**

**Pancake Syrup**

**Whipped Creme(the ready made kind with a dispense bottle)**

**Rainbow Sprinkles(to dust on top of the whipped creme, honey)**

He looked at me with a glimmer in his eye. "What am I going to do with you, Bella?"

I rolled my eyes. "Well, before Ben Cheney came by and sucked all the sexual mojo out from between us, I had a pretty good inkling that you would be doing me, actually."

Ben Cheney. Must. Die... Or at least get mono so he can stay away from my guilt prone boyfriend for a stretch...

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**APOV**

Bella, Rose, and I were huddled in my bedroom that evening, discussing how all our men had taken the pledge as well.

"Oh, yeah, I'm THRILLED," said Rose too forcefully. "I mean, that's what we wanted, right? For our men to be more like Ben Cheney?"

I nodded lethargically. "Yeah. It's uh...great. Ben's...uh...amazing."

Bella looked at both of us. "Oh, cut the crap, you two. This puts a little wrench in your plan. The whole point of taking the pledge was to drive the boys wild with lust because they would be denied. Now that they joined the pledge with you, your plan is shot."

Rose stomped her foot. "My stupid spirit husband! Messing things up, for my physical husband--what's the point of having a physical husband if you can't be physical with them?"

I shushed them all down. "You guys, look at the bright side. Who do you think will actually be able to keep the pledge longer-us or them? And who's to say the boys aren't using reverse psychology on us right now-what if they took the pledge simply to call our bluffs, and send us running towards them for sexual gratification once we knew they were unavailable?"

Rose gasped in horror. "They wouldn't...would they?"

I raised an eyebrow. "They would if they were smart enough. I know that's what I would do. Here's how we need to ride this out, girls. Let's go along like everything is peachy keen with all of us pledged. Go by the pledge's dictates,and compliment and encourage your men when they go by the pledge's dictates as well. All the while, we will plan for prom like we've never planned before-in terms of making sure we are the most tempting we've ever been that night. I say Prom Night will be the night the boys can't resist us, pledge or no pledge. And once they make their moves, we will be officially crowned the gender that is ruler over the other gender in terms of cunning, smarts, and power. Who's going to bet with or against me?"

I stuck my hand out, and Rose and Bella quickly put their hands on top of mine. Bella chuckled out, "I'd never bet against Alice!'

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**VictoriaPOV**

"Wow, this gown out of all the gowns you tried on is THE gown for you!" The salesgirl clapped her hands with excitement over the deep emerald cocktail party dress I had on right now.

It was perfect for my first--and most likely last-Prom. I quickly paid for the dress and headed next to the shoe store.

If anyone was watching me, they'd think I was just like any other teenage girl getting ready for her prom. And I was in a sense--I was even ordering myself a corsage later on today. But unlike the rest of the girls, I had much bigger plans in store the for Forks High Prom than simply looking beautiful for my special night. No, my Prom Night plans were much more...complicated.

All I knew was that this year's Prom would be going down in the history books. And Bella Swan in particular would be going down in flames.

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	32. PROM PREP

**Chapter 32: PROM PREP**

**note: Thanks for all the reviews! Sorry for the delay-this story has only one more chapter to it I think, so I'll update very soon!**

**You guys have been super sweet about this story, thanks for reading!**

**note: "glass ceiling" is a term that refers to the idea that a woman in the business world can only get promoted so far before she hits a "glass ceiling" of sorts and her career stalls at a point it wouldn't if she had been male.**

**BPOV**

It's weird how in just two short weeks, so MUCH has changed...and yet so little has changed at the same time.

Shades of deja vu peppered my evening. I found myself on Edward's just-waiting-to-be-broken-in-hardy-har-har-four post bed--yet again. I found Edward in the bed with me--yet again. I found ourselves alone and locked up from the rest of the family as they were busy outside, checking out Rosalie's new handiwork on Emmett's engine-yet again. I found my whole body screaming for Edward to take me in anyway possible--yet again. I felt so "easy" in that respect, like a sexual version of an egg. Edward could do me anyway he pleased--overeasy, sunnyside-up, scrambled, poached. I didn't care how he wanted to season and serve me up--just as long as I got served.

But then there were the changes as well. Out were the Disney character flannel pajamas. In were the lacey camisole and lace cheekie panties under one of Edward's crisp, white, buttoned up shirts. Why Cheekies? Because in the course of the two weeks of trying to seduce Edward, it was firmly established that Edward hands down was an "ass" man. It also came out that he liked to be teased slightly--and nothing did that more than for him to see me wearing an article of clothing that belonged to him, with pretty lingerie peeking out from underneath.

Out were Charlie's tube socks. In were sexy heels. Would any sexy heels do it for Edward? Nope. I learned with trial and error that see-through lucite heels turned him off. Too-afternoon-shift-nudie-bar-pole-dancer-like-who-could-never-make-it-to-the -"big time"-with-a-night-shift for his tastes. But classy four inch strapped heels in brown or black? Turned him into a foot fetishist. Out was the mousey low hanging bun that was fastened with a pencil. In was tousled, liberated, sex hair. Just as Edward's sex hair drove me nuts with it's "touch me" appeal, I soon learned that Bella sex hair had a similar effect on my Edward--especially when I let my long bangs fall over my eyes. His hands would reflexively reach out and begin to brush the strays out of my face. Out were the makeup-less, zit medicine dots on my face. In was a light makeup job. Nothing too heavy; I was young still, so less was more. But a little mascara, coverup, and lightly tinted lip gloss did wonders. Edward loved when I highlighted my full lips.

And still, even with all these changes and more, things were more the same than ever. I had promised we were only going to lie down for a nap, because I was having a "human moment" and feeling an afternoon "crash" coming on. Edward had been a boy scout ever since making our virtue pledge, so I had to reassure him my human moment didn't involve trying to jump on top of any of his appendages. I clearly made sure to not promise that HE couldn't use his appendage as he saw fit however if I gave him reason to. I slipped out of his bathroom in my lingerie, white buttoned up shirt, and heels casually and raised my arms with a long yawn.

Edward, propped on his bed, craned his head my way and shook it furiously.

"Bella, are you utterly absurd? How can I continue to make you my chastity gift that's been 117 years in the making if you expect me to be in the same room with you looking like that. Let alone the same bed."

I waved a dismissive hand his way as I continued to yawn and stretch my arms upward. I knew he was getting a peek of my lacy cheekie panties when I did this, so I made sure to walk as vixen like as possible at the moment.

"Edward, yet another human moment for me. Believe it or not, unlike you, I don't have granite hard skin. I have soft, sensitive skin that appreciates the feel of quality underwear and natural fibers like your white shirt here. " I smiled innocently as I hugged myself, showing how much I loved his shirt. Of course, I also strategically bent forward so he could look down my top and see the cleavage I was creating with the self hug.

"Bella, you dangerous creature you. Behave."

I pulled back the covers and muttered, "Yeah, let's behave so I can be a 117 year old virgin too..."

"What?"

"Nothing, darling," I chirped, as I threw my body ont top of the bed and propped myself up slightly onto my elbows. "Honey, do your mind?" I motioned down to my high heels, hoping he'd take them off for me. He gave me a cautious look as he crawled down towards the edge of his monstrous bed, finding himself on fours in between my spread legs. He looked at my shoes for a moment, but his eyes soon strayed upwards towards my lacey cheekies.

"Take a picture, it will last longer." He glared in my direction briefly, but his gaze went right back to in between my legs. He was breaking-I coud see it in his eyes. Now was the time to act.

"No, really Edward, take a picture." I raised my eyebrows suggestively while squirming JUST enough to keep his eyes on the prize.

"My shoes, love." He slowly looked away from my black laced welcoming sign and began to unstrap my shoe. Once it was off, I extended the leg straight up and then hitched it right over his shoulder. He paused, staring at me resentfully. I smiled. "The other shoe now, honey."

With vampire-like speed, the shoe was off and thrown to the side of the bed. He looked at me expectantly, and I didn't disappoint. My other leg wrapped itself over his other shoulder-- pushing him down on his knees and elbows. His face was locked between my two thighs now. It was right where I wanted him as I began to twist my hips slowly.

"Edward..."I let my words drop off as he lunged and began to lay wet, slow kisses on both sides of my hips were bucking more rhythmically now, inviting him to make his way up north. Edward looked up at me, his irises turning darker as I watched. He let out a grunt and an incohorent string of muffled profanities as his hands roughly latched onto my hips. His tongue began to flick out fiercely now against the upper reaches of my thigh, and I couldn't handle just watching anymore. I began to fumble with his shirt buttons. He paused, looking up. I blurted ou the first thing that came to my head.

"Dr. McFkme, get back to your oral examination."

I could literally feel the heat between us dissipate as I realized his 117 year old internal chastity gift maker cringed at my sailor remarks. Damnit, it was like I had Tourette's whenever Edward began touching me in any capacity.

He suddenly locked his hands on mine. "Bella, would you please stop trying to take your clothes off? Stop loosening up your buttons."

I tried to remain hopeful. "Do you want to do that part?"

"Not tonight," he answered softly.

"Damnit, Edward, you are such a crotch tease!" I threw my head back into the pillow while I swore I could hear Emmett cackling loudly in some far reaches of the house. The more things changed, the more I changed, the more things stayed the same...

He shook his head and softly laid back down on my leg. "Bella, you know I want you. More than anything. I'm not even saying we have to wait until we're married. While I respect Ben and Angela's chastity goals, I don't think they have the same...sexual chemistry...we have to deal with. I just...hell, Bella. I just don't want our first time to be the result of me being horny. I want it to be more meaningful than that. Does that make sense?"

I sighed. "Yeah, unfortunately. I guess love has to be a part of the equation." I let out a sneer as I uttered that sentence.

He smiled adoringly at me. "I'm glad you understand." Edward leaned back down between my thighs again. All I could see really was his hair. But my ears were working just fine, and I heard him breathe deeply through his nostrils.

"Uh, why are you sniffing down around those parts of the neighborhood, honey?"

Edward's head jutted straight up with the look of a naughty Catholic school boy.

"Just because I'm resisting the wine...doesn't mean I can't appreciate the bouquet."

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The next day at school, it was even more apparent that the more things changed, the more things stayed the same.

Just this time, at least misery loves company. Or should I say...virtue pledging misery loves company.

Alice, Rose, and I sat at the lunch table, giggling as our men came to the table. But this time around, Edward wasn't the only one holding a wide, open binder in front of him for "oopsie coverage"-- so were Emmett and Jasper. Edward was obviously used to this gesture, but Emmett and Jasper were completely indignant about the necessity.

"This is so ridiculous. We look like we are seventh graders, having to hide our junk behind binders! Or worse yet, we look like...EDWARD!" Emmett shook his head as he sat down. Rose pursed her lips in our direction and then responded.

"Well, you guys, especially Jasper and Emmett, we know how hard it's been..."she stared at their binders..." to adjust to our new lives of abstinence. So we wanted to get you guys a litle present to show how much we appreciate your efforts." She dug some things out from underneath the table and placed three large boxes in front of our men. Their faces all broke into smiles.

"See, " said an overjoyed Alice," you guys aren't the only ones who can give thoughtful, loving presents to their better halfs!"

All three dug into their presents like kids on Christmas. They were so excited, I almost felt bad for what they were going to find. Emphasis on "almost."

All three looked inside the giftboxes for a long, hard, minute. They weren't sure how to react. Jasper was the first to pick up what was inside. He lifted it up to examine it more closely. It was a shoe box that was painted black and white, with a small floral corsage tied on top with a rubber band.

"Thanks," Jasper said with a question mark in his tone.

"Do you like them," I asked with fake excitement. Edward held his identical shoe box up next.

"Bella, honey, what is this?"

Rose insisted on giving the punchline.

"We all got you dick-in-a-box boxes, tuxedo editions for Prom!! That way you don't have to take Prom pictures holding your industrial strength titanium binders!!"

All three of us gals collapsed in hysterics as the boys slowly understood that they were the butt of a practical joke.

Alice pointed at Jasper, "And honey, they are so easy to use and assemble! One-I cut a hole the box!"

It was my turn. "Two--put your junk in that box!"

Rose brought up the rear. "Three--make us open the box...when hell freezes over!"

Somehow, the boys didn't find it half as funny as we did.

"Nice idea--two years too late, " Jasper muttered with a cold glare.

"Oh, and nice idea on having us become abstinent--85 years too late too," Emmett spouted.

Only Edward had a sly grin on his face as he held his dick-in-a-box-box. "Well, Bella, I guess I'll wear this with the hope that you slip this little mini boutonnière on top here on it's rightful owner of the box." He gave me a sly look as Alice gasped in horror.

"Oh, God, Edward--it is Edward, isn't not some freak ass version of Kid Rock or something?"

Edward raised an eyebrow. "Do you think Kid Rock would know how to pronounce boutonnière correctly?"

Just then Ben Cheney walked by and gave us a tenative wave.

"Yo, Ben!" Emmett answered. "Rosalie's mocking the sanctity of the male body! Look at what she just gave me." He gave Rose a spiteful smile before running after Ben.

"That's our cue to get out of here, girls," Rose whispered. "I don't want my spiritual boo to be disappointed. His little hobbit ears sorta sag when I fuck up with not being a complete lady."

"Like...right now, with you spilling the f-bomb," I asked.

"Exactly! Let's skip the rest of the day and go check in on our prom dresses."

--

For vampires who find human rituals like prom so boring in the past, I couldn't help but notice that they were having alot of fun with Prom this year. For some reason, the idea of dressing up and getting their boys to keel to their feminine wiles was making them take the most meticulous care with this year's prepartions.

No mall dresses would do for this year's Prom. No--Alice and Rose actually flew in Latavia, one of the Denali Coven ladies, to stay at a nice hotel while she worked on our concepts. And what concepts they were.

We were planning on channeling three of the most famous sex icons of the last three century for Prom. Rosalie was going to model her whole appearance after Marilyn Monroe. Alice was going to channel Sophia Loren. And I was channeling Brigitte Bardot.

As we tried on our original creations by Latvia that all fit like a glove, we couldn't help but sigh.

"Latavia, you are a genius! These are all gorgeous! We owe you big time, "Alice exclaimed.

"Are you kidding? Just getting me away from psycho milf Tanya and all her shitty little kids for a couple of days made it all worth it!" Latavia looked like she truly meant that too.

Alice held both Rose and my hands as she winked at us in the mirror.

"Ladies we are going to make this a prom that the town of Forks will never forget."

"Are you sure about that, Alice?" I was gently nudging her to look into the future to make sure we had the perfect Prom--especially in terms of how receptive Edward would be to me.

Alice closed her eyes and concentrated. And concentrated. Some more. 10 minutes later, she opened her eyes back up, fustrated. "It's so weird, I'm just getting a blank page in my mind's eye. I have no idea why."

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**VictoriaPOV**

One more day. One more day and it will all be over. I'll exact revenge from Edward and Bella for killing my one true boo, James. And I'll disband the Cullen clan so that they will bend to my will and help create the most powerful coven on earth.

"Victoria, I swear, if you don't start picking up your clothes around here and keep the bathroom more clean, I'll be forced to use my powers on you!" Jane scurried all around the room constantly, bitching and moaning about how everything had to be just so. For such a small little thing, she sure can be a real bitch. But she was a necessary evil in terms of taking down the Cullen clan. Jane had recently joined forces with me when she was passed over for promotion over at Volturi. You think the glass ceiling is exclusive to the human world?

No way--those crazy old coots who rule Volturi are total male chauvinists. Since Jane was neither a man nor a piece of eye candy, they basically just kept her around as a glorified security guard. It was I who made her realize that we could take over the New World together. And if we successfully disbanded the Cullen family, enslaved the more gifted family members and brainwashed them for our gain? We could successfully wage war on Volturi to take over the whole world.

"Enough with your OCD issues, Jane. How is our young ward doing?"

Jane smiled slightly. "Go see for yourself."

I opened up the door slightly to the spare bedroom of our hideaway. Jacob Black was awake, but kept his head down. He never stopped trying to undo the rope that we had tied around him on a chair. But he was tiring himself out greatly.

"How would you like to see Bella, Jacob?" I gave him a cold smile.

"I will never let you get near Bella, do you understand me? I'll kill you...I'll kill myself before I let you get near her!"

I laughed at the irony. "Actually, dear Jacob. While your earnestness is very precious and sweet. And it makes me wonder what Bella has going on for her other than a slight overbite and a dumb expression on her face at all times--"

Jacob began lashing out on the chair trying to break free to get to me.

"But... Jacob...and you'll want to listen up here. While it's sweet you want to protect dear Bella, the reality is that you are protecting me from having the little pixie of the group, Alice. With you by my side, she can never see my presence in her visions. YOU, and only you, Jake, are the one who is actually making this all possible! Including the fact that my James death will have to be met with the death of Edward's true love...Bella."

He began to shake and lash out even harder, attempting to turn into his animal form.

But before he could continued, I shot him up, and he lost consciousness yet again.

24 more hours, and I was going to make this a prom that the town of Forks will never forget.

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a/n: cue evil laughter here...lol


	33. an

a/n:

1) I'm working on this update right now and will hopefully have it up by Wednesday. Was busy reading BD this weekend! Man, that book gave me great jokes for this update!

2) Please go check out the awesome fanfic **"Saturday School,"** for which I just wrote a chapter. The setup is the **Breakfast Club meets Twilight-if the Cullens/Swans/Hales were Tourette's Syndromed nymphomaniacs**. I have the story link up on my profile as the first item-check it out, I command thee! It's being cowritten with the brilliant withthevampsofcourse, jandco, and upthedownslide--more guest authors are going to appear later too. Please keep in mind there's lotsa cussing and snark and sexy times in this story too, so you've been warned. It's hilarious though.

Happy BD weekend, my lovely little nessies! Can you believe Edward finally got some sexy times? Yay!! Maybe he'll stop being so anal retentive about his Volvo now...


	34. Prom Night, Part 1

**Chapter 33: PROM NIGHT**

note: So, yeah, this is the last chapter. Thanks so much for sticking with the story! I'm finishing up the chapter right now--it was so long though, I'm breaking this up into two parts...the second part will go up an hour later from now about...

note: YOU MUST PLAY AC/DC'S "YOU SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LONG" while you read the chapter. It's on my profile at the very top--first link even! YOU MUST. lol

note: **AQUANET aerosol hairspray**--do they even sell that stuff anymore or is it illegal in aerosol form?lol For you international readers, AQUANET hairspray is the styling choice of many cholas(American born, Mexican descent kids who run with the "tough" gang banger crowds) and truckstop hussies because it's cheap...and it will freeze your hair into whatever style possible and make your hair all hard like sheet metal. lol

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_The last time we left our favorite vamps:_

_1) The Cullen Boys had taken the virture pledge along with the girls_

_2) The Cullen/Hale/Swan girls had takent he virtue pledge previously, but were going to "teach the boys a lesson" by making the boys want them so much on Prom night, they would all give into their lust and break the pledge. The point? To show that girls are the awesomest gender around and all the shots. _

_3) Victoria and Jane had hooked up with an alliance with a plan to take over the New World, and they were starting their coup by taking down the Cullen family at the Prom. And Victoria has a little revenge to exact out on Bella and Edward in particular. And oh yeah...they kidnapped Jacob to stop Alice from having any premonitions. It's on, bitches!_

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**RPOV**

I was standing at the entrance of the Forks High School Gym. Alice was helping Bella last minute in the bathroom, teasing her hair even higher to get that signature teased, 60's sex kitten Brigitte Bardot look. They were going to cause a new hole in the ozone layer, they were going through so many bottles of** Aquanet aerosol hairspray **to get her hair just right.

But as I ushered Ben to the side, I knew I had to focus on this one downer part of prom before I could enjoy the rest of the night being a cocktease to Emmett.

"So, Ben, yeah...I think we need to talk." I took his hand softly, knowing this was going to kill him. Seriously, he must have thought he won the lottery when he became my spiritual husband. It's like Frodo getting to spiritually bang a Victoria's Secret Angel for shit's sake.

"This is going to hurt you more than it hurts me. Wait...I mean it will hurt me more. Oh, shit-- how does the phrase go again, Ben?"

Ben bristled at my potty mouth."Uh, Rose, just go for it and say what's on your mind. Have you been hanging out in the cafeteria freezer for the last hour? Your hands are freezing." He looked at them in wonder. Silly Hobbit.

"Okay, Ben, I'm just gonna peel the bandaid off the scab in one swift rip. I'm divorcing you."

He looked at me like I was smoking something illegal.

"Spiritually. I'm breaking up with you. I don't want any sort of spiritual alimony--I'm walking away with just the good memories. You keep all your leftover spiritual reserves for Angela, because she's a great girl who deserves your full attention."

Ben felt my forehead with the back of his hand. God, he's trying to be so strong, but this must be killing him. "Did you happen to eat one of the brownies on the refreshment table inside the prom earlier this evening? Cause word on the street is that Tyler Crowley laced those suckers with marijuana and it may be sorta messing with your brain a little bi--"

I put a finger to his lips. "Shhh... Ben. I've already made my mind up. There's no use trying to get me to stay. It's best for both of our physical spouses if we just make a clean break. Don't try to win me back with promises of spiritual lovin' or WWJD bracelets. This is...goodbye."

He let out a smirk. God, he's so brave for someone who could give Webster AND Gary Coleman a run for their "little short man" money.

"Rose, I think that's a good idea actually. But I want to tell you something before you...leave." He stifled a laugh. "Rosalie, just remember one thing. Yes, you are a beautiful girl who is constantly treated like a sex kitten by men because all they see is what's at the surface. But you've shown what's on the inside in the last couple of weeks. And you are a smart, caring, and reliable person who wants to do what's right. Don't let men define you by your looks--I hope YOU define yourself by the truly beautiful spirit that lays beneath the surface."

Aww. "Oh, yeah totally, Ben. I've learned so much from you and Angela. BUT... enough about spiritual growth. Alice and Bella are going to kill me if I'm late to meet them in the front of the building. We are having our men meet us in the front there cause we are taking bets to see who gives their boyfriend wood fastest in these getups we have on." I smoothed my dress down as I spoke." But seriously, hello? I'm so gonna win. My tits look UNBELIEVABLE in this corset!"

Ben threw up his hands for some reason as I ran off to meet my girls.

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"There you are," Alice sighed. She looked amazing channeling Sophia Loren. And Bella had Bardot down to a science with her hair teased. Her hair was so Aquanetted in place, she could survive a Level 5 hurricane without a single hair falling out of place.

"Okay, the boys will be in here in less than a minute. Get in position, and let the best ass, thighs, or tits win." I was the tits;obviously, so I was standing face forward. Alice was the ass, so she was facing her back to the entrace, sticking out her perfectly formed backside out all pert. And Bella was the thighs. She hiked up her mini-skirt even higher to show off her long legs from a sideview.

Alice paused for a moment as if she knew the boys had arrived. 'Let the _"Got Wood?" _games begin...'

It was an amazing sight. All three of the guys looked good in their tuxes, holding their boxes of corsages--of course Emmett looked the best because he he's got an incredible upper build and an ta-dow ass that would make J.Lo envious. What was an even more amazing sight though was watching them react to us. All three sprung from the gates of their pants like bucking broncos.

"Oh, hell, ladies...that was an instantaneous 21 gun salute to our assets if I'd ever seen one, "Alice murmured.

The boys reacted to our appearance in no time flat-and all three used their corsage boxes to try to cover up the evidence of that excitement. Let's just say the boys needed some industrial strength binders to hide what they were packing--not some measley cardboard boxes.

"Wow, too bad we don't have instant replay to look at--it seems like a three way tie," Bella whispered as she brought down the hemline on her dress.

"Duh, Bella-we have vampire vision, we saw who won," I blurted it out. "Edward's pepaw was at full attention first. But that's to be expected with his virgin card status. I mean, seriously, he gets excited just going over the speed bumps in the mall parking lot--" I got cut off by Bella stomping on my foot.

"He'll hear you! Don't make him self conscious--a self conscious Edward will be the biggest cockblock factor for me of the evening," Bella whispered. Alice and me handed over our twenty bucks each for the "Got Wood?" earnings, and I reassured Bella that I'd help her get laid finally as best as I could tonight. We all greeted our men next. _Operation Make Them Beg For It_ was now in session. Or was it_ Operation Make Them Grovel_? Oh, shit, who remembers. Damn that Alice and her need to christian every damn thing we do with a title...She's such a Martha Stewart, if Martha instructed on how to host getting-laid-parties instead of housewarming receptions.

**BPOV**

I approached Edward in the most alluring-yet-innocent way possible. That was the key to Edward's undoing-to be equal parts sexy and innocent. Tonight was mine for the taking, and I could see the weakness in his eyes. I raced up to him and gave him a huge hug before whispering into his ear: "Let's go dance, love."

He looked back at me in confusion. "Bella Swan? Requesting to dance? This is a first! I'll be more than happy to though, you know I'll be happy to lead..."

I shook my head. "No, tonight, I lead." I turned around and dragged him behind me by his tie. We walked into our Forks High Gymnasium and cracked up. It looked like a scene straight out of "Carrie"--it was as dated and low budgeted in it's appearance as you could get. The gym was full of cheesy helium balloon garland arches, a refreshment table complete with a punchbowl that had 7up and sherbert in it was in the corner--even the basketball hoops had plants in them and were covered with angel hair to make them look like "clouds" in the "sky."

"Wow, if this scene doesn't have 1977 stamped all over it, I don't know what would!" I turned around and pulled on the belt loops on his pants. "Let's try to bring it back up to 2008, shall we?" I found us a space on the dance floor and turned my back to his chest. Here was my "sexy" part. 50 Cent's "Candy Shop" was playing, and the hypnotic beat was begging for some slow grinding into Edward. I began to swivel my hips around in a circular motion, bumping into Edward everytime I made my way back around the "bend." At first, he stood frozen behind me; but quickly, he gained his senses enough to pull my waist closer, intensifying the grindage between us.

"_I'll take you to the candy shop_

_Boy one taste of what I got_

_I'll have you spending all you got_

_Keep going 'til you hit the spot"_

And here was the equal part of "sweet." As I continued to grind into him, I looked up with doe eyes and asked: "So, Ben Cheney organized a Condom Burning Bonfire down at La Push Beach tonight after to the prom to celebrate Prom Night Abstinence. You wanna go?"

Edward's eyes were dark, and didn't even bother to look at my face. He was watching my hips instead. "Love, I'm not worrying about anything else than what we're doing right now, I'm afraid." His voice was low, husky, and an undercurrent of mischief--just how I liked my Edward to sound.

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**JacobPOV**

I was bound and tied with my eyes covered in some part of Forks High School. I was a mere tool for Victoria-a way to stop Alice Cullen from having any visions of her attack on the Cullen family at the Forks High Prom. I felt so helpless, being used in a way that could harm Bella.

Ah, my sweet Bella. Victoria underestimates her. She doesn't realize the Bella will figure out a way to save the day yet again...and save me too. Heck, maybe I'll even get a dance out of this...

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**VictoriaPOV**

"Jane, stop bitching, I'm serious."

We were walking through the high school parking lot to meet my "prom date," and Jane was still livid at the role she was playing for tonight. She didn't get how perfectly it was to get picked up at the mall by a eager-to-see-the-beaver Forks High Senior with no prom date like I did. It made our Cullen Coup that much easier.

"I'm suppossed to be your baby sister you couldn't find anyone to babysit? What the fuck, Victoria?" She was trampling along in a flower girl's dress I bought her, uncomfortable in anything other than a military uniform.

I turned around and glared at her. I swear, if she didn't have those stupid ass laser eyes that can cripple otherwise strong vampires, I'd like to..."Listen, Jane. There's not a lot we can do with you and your...appearance. You look like you are eight years old, there's no way around that. You want to show up to the Prom dressed in that dyke-ilicious Volturi guard uniform instead? It's better to look like a Flower Girl than a Hitler Nazi Youth!!"

She didn't say another word, but watching her walk all awkwardly in her shiny Mary Jane Shoes made me have to stifle a laugh. "Is Jacob secured?" Jane nodded.

"Good."

"Vicki! Vicki! Over here!" I plastered on a coy smile and tried to act like I was 15 again--instead of 145.

"Mike!" As Jane and I approached him, I quickly went over our plan. "Don't forget. The only way for this plan to work is to divide and conquer. The Cullen family must be divided to be broken down."

The next hour was full of survelliance of the Cullen kids from the side of the dance floor. And Mike Newton trying to cop a feel everytime we slow danced. Which strangely enough, I didn't mind all too much...

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**EPOV**

"We'll be right back, boys, we need to powder and freshen up." Bella gave me a knowing wink as they headed to the gym restrooms.

I finally let out a breath I'd been holding for the last 45 minutes while Bella was devastating my pelvis with her grinding. I pulled on my pants in vain, trying to not make it so obvious how Bella affected me. To think just last year, how innocent our prom dancing was--she put her feet on mine and I waltzed her around like a five year old at a wedding.

"Damn, Edward," Jasper murmured, "Bella's not letting up on you tonight. I think she's got some plans that don't revolve around Virtue Pledges."

Emmett let out a snort. "Uh, we are still in sex detention with all three of them. Rose is all excited about bearing her testimony about recycled virginity at the Condom Burning Bonfire tonight. And she wants us to repledge in front of everyone on top of it."

Jasper narrowed his eyes, a smirk falling over her face. "Or, they are pulling one over on us. There's something about the..._emotional climate_...with all three of them tonight. It's very peaked and anticipating..." He shook his head. "I don't know guys, but I think we might actually get lucky tonight."

Lucky. That one word sent me over the edge. I started walking towards the gym restroom, feeling the need to find Bella. I was feeling so distinctly...human... at the moment, that I was about to do the biggest cliche as a teenage boy at the most cliched event for all teenaged humans.

_I was going to try to get laid on Prom Night_.

As I began to walk, my right side of my vamp brain tried to make me see the light. That I wasn't some teenaged boy, and Bella wasn't any teenaged girl. That Prom Night sex, from what I saw in the minds of most humans, was NOT a memory to be savored. But a memory that was accompanied by awkward regrets: unsuccessful attempts at sex in crowded backseats, inebriated sex that involved the other partner passing out mid-act, "vomit breaks" between base stealing. How could I possibly want THAT type of memory to be OUR first memory of sex?

Part of me wanted to wait for the Ben Cheney deluxe sex dream package. Bella and I having sex for the first time on our honeymoon on some warm beachfront hideaway in the tropics. And not just sex--no, we would make love.

But then there was the other part of me that wanted to "do as the Romans do" and throw Bella on top of Mr. Banner's classroom desk buck naked and have her shout out who her Papi was. There was definitely a certain...charm to going that route as well, I had to admit. That part of me, coincidentally, was the same part that just had Bella's ass rubbing up against it for the last half hour.

_"Edward...Edward...come out and playyyyyyy..."_

I froze in my tracks. I knew that mind. But it couldn't possibly be...

_"Edward...Stop readjusting your family jewels like a common human child--I think you have something more important to attend to...Business you could say, regarding some promises you made with Volturi about a certain human girl turning..."_

Emmett and Jasper were right by my side as a saw a flash of blonde hair head out the doorway.

"What's going on, Edward?"

I looked at them in disbelief as we all hurried outside the gymnasium. "Jane. Jane's here. Volturi's here. For Bella."

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**JanePOV**

They all rushed towards me, as I stood on the side alley of the gym building. I tried to look as official as possible in terms of a Volturi-it didn't help my street cred that I was dressed up like a three year old Flower Girl, however. That dumb bitch Victoria and her stupid ideas. I could tell they thought I was not alone though, and that I was coming as a representative of Volturi--NOT as a lone operative who was about to attack.

"Jane, " Edward said with grave concern.

I raised my hand slowly, waiting for them to get close enough for my power to work on them. Distance was the key element to my surprise attack. "Edward, do not be alarmed, I'm only here as a messenger to check up on how things are progressing in terms of Bella."

My words calmed them all slightly, and they continued forward...just a couple more inches and...

BAM!

I started laughing as all three men fell to the ground in unison, the power of my gaze rendering them helpless and in extreme pain.

"Take that, you smug ass Vegan bitches!"

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**BPOV**

"Lucite heels? You sure I should bust out the see-through stripping heels right now? Edward likes me sexy n' sweet--not just straight up skanky." I held up the Lucite Heels Alice handed me with mild distaste. "I feel like I should wash my hands for just holding these things."

Alice rolled her eyes. "Bella, that's what your puppy eyes are for. To bring in the sweet. Lucite, see-through heels bring the sexy--there's a lot of poles and columns out there in the gym. You'll want to be ready for an impromptu balletates routine if the opportunity presents itself. Edward LOVES balletates."

I nodded. It was true. I could work one of those bleacher poles for him on the side if I got desperate for taking the sexy to the next level...

Just then, Alice froze. "Something's...going on.." She looked around, as if she was hearing something in the distance. "Jasper..Jasper's mood is screaming out to me frantically."

Rose laughed. 'Oh, is "mood" your new nickname for his peeper now? _The Little Colonel _got retired?'

Alice put her hand up abruptly. "You guys, something's wrong..." Without a moment's notice, Rose and Alice were off like the wind. I was left behind, hobbling as fast as I could.

"Wait up, girls! My ass can't run in Lucite Heels!" I tripped several times, looking left and right--I had no idea where they went. I looked down deserted hallway after deserted hallway in the dark.

"Alice? Rose?...Edward?"

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	35. Prom Night, Part 2

**Chapter 33: PROM NIGHT**

note: So, yeah, this is the last part of the last chapter. Thanks so much for sticking with the story!

note: YOU MUST PLAY AC/DC'S "YOU SHOOK ME ALL NIGHT LONG" while you read the chapter. It's on my profile at the very top--first link even! YOU MUST. lol

note: **AQUANET aerosol hairspray**--do they even sell that stuff anymore or is it illegal in aerosol form?lol For you international readers, AQUANET hairspray is the styling choice of many cholas(American born, Mexican descent kids who run with the "tough" gang banger crowds) and truckstop hussies because it's cheap...and it will freeze your hair into whatever style possible and make your hair all hard like sheet metal. lol

note: re: "posting the trot" and "sitting the trot"--know that I have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm just using those terms for euphemisms...lol

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**VictoriaPOV**

Alice and Rosalie ran right into our trap. They saw the boys on their knees, and ran straight for them, not thinking for a second what they could be running into. Jane grouped them into her gaze as well, and then all five were on the ground. I had learned a few spells myself from James over the years, and had put another layer of mental "reinforcement" on the guys--I turned my attention towards Alice and Rosalie now to give them the same mental "attention." I didn't want Jane's gaze to be the only force keeping them powerless.

Jane was being a bitchy downer again though.

"Where's Bella? Go find Bella before she causes any more mischief. Don't worry about your mental reinforcements for now. I've got them all secured."

I snorted at the way she described Bella-as if she was some force to be reckoned with.

"That mousey human is afraid of her own shadow. She'll come wandering out here haphazardly soon enough." I then turned my voice in the direction of Edward for his own benefit. "And when Bella does wander out here, I have a very special present for her and her vampire boyfriend." Edward's eyes grew frantic with fear on top of his pain.

"That's right, Edward, I'm going to torture your dumb skank of a human girlfriend before I kill her, murder the rest of your family, and then steal your Aston Martin on top of it. All in the name of James. Payback's a bitch, isn't it?"

"Victoria...will you stop revealing your enitre blueprint for world domination and actually look for Bella already?" Jane shook her head. "Don't worry about mentally reinforcing Alice and Rosalie--worry about getting Bella under control. She's a loose canon."

Just then, I heard it..._clink, clink, clink, clink..._Those were teetering skank heels if I ever head some. And being that Bella is a teetering skank, well...

_"_Edward_?"_

I raised my hands up sarcastically at Jane. "I told you the girl would come right to us..."

Bella suddenly appeared around the corner, her face falling at the sight of her beloved vampires being tortured on the ground.

"NO!" She began running at full speed towards her adopted family--and us. She really had no self-survival instincts whatsoever.

"Leave my family alone!" Bella tripped mid-sentence, toppling over onto her knees.

"Sorry, Bella, but I can't leave them alone. In fact, they need to be kept in the position they are now-so they can watch me torture you before I kill you."

Jane shook her head at me. "Victoria-stop with the dramatics, and disable Bella!"

Bella got back up on her feet, her face blushing a dangerous crimson. "Listen up, bitches. Don't mess with a human girl on her prom night when she's THIS close to getting laid by her hot virgin vampire boyfriend!"

Jane and I watched with some surprise as the uncoordinated, feeble human girl ran towards a pole and began spinning around on it by her arms.

"What the hell is she doing," Jane whispered. I just shrugged my shoulders.

"Take that, you Dakota Fanning Lookalike Bitch," Bella shrieked as she suddenly flung her legs outward from the pole, her cheap looking whore heels heading straight for Jane's eyes.

"NOOOOO!" Jane screamed out in pure agony as Bella's heels sank into her eye sockets-effectively stopping her death gaze incapacitation of the Cullen vamps. Lucite heels--who knew they were so strong? Other than strippers and hoes that is...

My mind suddenly snapped into survival mode as I realized something. My mental spell on the Cullen brothers was still in place-they couldn't get up. But Alice and Rose were suddenly free from Jane's power--and they were heading right for me.

"BITCH! You broke one of my nails!" Rose was holding up her middle finger, with the nail jagged and torn. "You realize I can't grow this back ANY TIME SOON, right?"

Alice started in next, as I slowly retreated with a wall to my back to give me better back coverage. Alice held up her broken heel. "Victoria. You had the nerve to try to harm my family." She then shook her head threateningly. "But then you had to go and do this? Break the heel off my Jimmy Choos? And not JUST any Jimmy Choos? But my special order Grant-Silk-satin-peep-toe-Jimmy-Choos? YOU'VE CROSSED THE LINE!"

Bella started spinning on a pole near me again in a way that made me uncomfortable. Those damn hooker shoes of hers could pack quite a wallop. She started gaining momentum with her spinning-I could hear the air whoosing around her louder and louder.

I noticed a human scent close by as Bella's air whooshing brought the scent over to me. I turned around quickly, finding a frail human girl who must have happened upon the scene and was frozen behind a dumpster, hoping to not be noticed. Too late. I threw her in front of me and put hand around her neck.

"Anyone of you ladies move closer in my direction, and I break this human's neck." My voice sounded like I meant business-I knew my face looked like it meant business too. So, why were Bella, Rosalie, and Alice in hysterics? Bella wasn't even slowing down on the pole.

"You're joking, right Victoria? Lauren Mallory is the biggest twat at Forks High. I mean seriously, she tried to rub against Edward's junk during Nutrition just last week-break Lauren Mallory's neck twice for all I care."

I sighed in fustration-petty humans! I threw the girl aside and knew of another human closer to Bella's heart.

"Bella, I'm holding Jacob captive too." Before I could finish my threat, Bella's face made a fierce expression that cut me off. She was swirling at top speed on the pole as she screamed in my direction:

**"You are going down, Firecrotch! No one's touching my man, my family, OR my pup friends!" **

It all happened in slow motion it seemed. I saw Bella quickly swinging in my direction, her legs spreading in anticipation of striking me.I bared my teeth and began to claw in her direction. Her soft skin would be easy to puncture-I could kill her in one move. But something funny happened along the way as I attempted to kill Bella Swan. Her hair--her goddamn hair of all things, kept getting in the way. It was as hard and impenetrateable as her Lucite heels. Everytime I tried to bite or claw her, her thick, ominpresent, and HARD hair got in the way. As if she could read my mind she yelled:

"It's called Aqua Net aerosol Hairspray, Victoria. There's a reason cholas put it in their hair before they get initiated into a gang with a "beat-in!"

**BPOV**

That's right. Buffy the Vampire Slayer had her stakes and tae kwon do to kill vampires with. But Bella Swan? She had Lucite Heels and Aqua Net Aerosol Hairspray to thank for taking down Victoria. I didn't do it alone of course--Alice and Rosalie soon helped to hold her down and dismember her and Jane. I couldn't really help with the dismembering-all I could do was stomp my Lucite heels into her here and there. But I did help with the most important part of Vampire destruction. I got the blaze going.

"Bella, we need a fire to put all her pieces into. Quick, get a blaze going!"

I looked at her in dismay--it wasn't like I was a boy scout who learned how to get a fire cracking with two sticks or anything. But then I remembered another thing. Aqua Net Aerosol Hairspray was HIGHLY flammable. I stood over Jane and Victoria's remains and sprayed Aquanet over a lighted match. With the end of Victoria, came the end of her spell on our men.

Emmett spoke first as he weakly got up to her feet. "Ladies...you were...amazing right now." He looked at us in complete shock-and deference. Rosalie simply shrugged her shoulders while smirking his way.

Jasper got up next, laughing softly as he stumbled over to Alice and embraced her with awe. "I knew Victoria was done for when she messed with your shoes."

I was on such a high from our little natural born killing spree, I felt like I was forgetting something... something very important...

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**JacobPOV**

"Bella? Bella?" Oh please tell me she's going to come for me soon-this hood over my head isn't giving me enough oxygen supply...

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**BPOV**

Something very important...shit, oh well...I'm sure it will come to me eventually...

My eyes finally landed on Edward. His clothes were torn, his hair was heaping mess on top of his head, and he was silent as he gazed at me. It made me conscious of my appearance all of the sudden. I looked down at myself. My dress was torn, I was a sweating mess, my knees were scraped. And yet, despite my appearance, I felt like I was on top of the world. That if I could take down a murderous vampire on my own and save my family and friends(wait, did I ever find out where Jake was being held captive?), how hard could it honestly be to get laid by one?

"Edward Masen Cullen. I think I've proven how much I love you tonight. How much I love your family as my own. And how much I'm willing to do to keep OUR family safe. And now...all I want to do is to get you back into your Volvo...so you can get into MY Volv-a..."

Edward twitched-I couldn't read the expression on his face. But his feet began moving. Towards me. His breathing was heavy as he grabbed my hand and began to guide me, very quickly, back to his Volvo. I looked back hopefully at Alice and Rosalie. But that was in vain-both couples were scurrying off to their cars as well.

**000**

Edward silently opened up his car door, and helped me into the back. This was too good. This was too good to be true. Edward silently obeying to tune up my Vulv-a? No questions asked? Without any guilt trips, worries about "souls," or concerns that his member would feel like a Big Stick Popsicle even we did the deed(silly, boy, doesn' he know I've always been a sucker for Big Sticks?)

"Bella love, we need to talk." Shit, it was too good to be true. He grabbed my hands chastely as I groaned.

"First love, you were so brave and protective out there. I'm so in love and in awe of you right now. As if I didn't put you on a high enough pedestal BEFORE you became a vampire killer..." a put-out sigh escaped my lips.

"Great. Just what I need. A higher pedestal to make it even HARDER for me to get laid by you." He gave me scolding look.

"You act like respecting you is such a horrible thing. I love you and honor you more than anyone has ever loved and respected another. Ever." His head bent over to kiss my hand in my lap. His cheek brushed my breast while his nose curiously brisked against my bud on the way down. I moaned in utter fustration.

"Edward, love and cherish me all you want, I love it. But can't you honor and go down on me at the same time? I mean seriously, in some cultures I'm sure that is the sincerest form of honor you can give a gal...!"

Edward lifted my hand and began to kiss it. Chastely. And yet watching his lips drag alone the back of my palm was driving me crazy. "Ughhh...Edward!"

He looked up innocently. "What, my love?" I just shook my head;if he didn't know what the hell he was doing, what was the point of explaining?

"Bella, I was talking to Ben tonight about some great ways to spend a prom evening..."

Curse Ben...Curse him...Hell, curse Angela too for being such a goddamn perfect example for Edward to aspire to...

"And he gave me some great ideas about helping keep in control for tonight of all nights, so that I can continue to respect and honor you...my love."

Gag. I"m just going to gag right now. I swear I'm going to slash Ben's tires before school on Monday for giving this vampire so much frigidity encouragement.

"There was one particular exercise I think would be really helpful before we go back to dance the night away. He says it's very important for me to get beyond sexualizing your body."

"BEYOND SEXUALIZING MY BODY? How can we get beyond that Edward if you haven't even taken the body out for a sexual test drive yet?"

He put his finger on my lips, rubbing it softly in a way that was making my head crane to the side like an idiot. "Here's the exercise. Both of us take off all our clothes. And then we just talk and enjoy eachother's company--until we get over the initial curiousity of eachother's nude bodies..."

My mouth dropped open. "What?"

Edward nodded soberly. "I think that would really help us get through the rest of the night, if we try to overcome some of these...curiosities."

I quickly agreed; and before I knew it, I was pulling my dress over my head. I took a little more time getting rid of my bra and panties. He let out a low sigh as I bent down on my knees on the seat, leaning foward with my hands in front of my knees, trying to create as much cleavage as possible(unfortunately, I was no Rose in the boob department). "Okay, your turn," I said with as much doe eyed goodness as I could muster.

He nodded solemnly as he took of his jacket, loosened his tie, and began to unbutton his shirt.

"Leave, the tie on," I commanded. What can I say--a naked Edward with a loosened tie had starred in many a fantasy of mine.

He simply shrugged his shoulders and took off his shirt finally-leaving his tie in place. As I looked down on Edward's bare torso, I couldn't help but think that Edward's so beautiful, his beauty can even be translated easily into non-visual forms. To rub down on his baker dozen's pack(cause boyfriend's muscles do not end at a six pack) would be like reading braille, with the words on his abs reading, "I"m fucking hot. Yes, you want a piece of this."

As he began to slowly unbuckle his belt and zip down his pants--I couldn't help it. He was doing it in such a obliviously sexy way, it just came out. I made a weird little yelp--something that Yo Quiero Taco Bell chiquaqua would have yelped out in the throws of passion.

Edward snorted. "What was that, Bella?" It was my turn to shrug my shoulders. "I think I'm still in shock over Victoria and all that...stuff..." Good comeback, Swan, you transparent human...

But he actually bought my line. Edward nodded with concern and bent over to kiss my forehead. His hand accidentally brushed my breast as he leaned in. Odd.

He slowly slid his prom pants down and neatly laid them on the car floor. Once he finally sat back up against the car seat, I finally saw Edward--in his full glory. And what a glory it was.

"Holy shit Edward-you are flawless. You are like the perfect fusion of Michelangelo's David--and Boogie Nights' Dirk Diggler..."

Edward grimaced. "Bella! Stick to the point of the game. We are naked to get beyond sexualizing eachother. So, let's just get the looking out of the way first and then we'll talk."

He stared me up and down--I sorta just stayed focused on his awakening Diggler. And his V spot. And the lower abs too actually...

"Ahem," Edward said uncomfortably as he tried to kick me out of my lustful haze. "Why don't we talk about something now..." I just kept staring at his Diggler. "No really, Bella, let's talk now."

"Talk about what..." I murmured, my eyes never moving from his secret stash of goodness.

"Um, how about our childhoods...That's innocent and nonsexual..."

"Shoot," I said, still gawking at him. "Knock yourself out...tell me all about your childhood..."

"Okay," he said thoughtfully. "Well, I don't think I ever told you this Bella, but my first love as a human youth was horses. I rode horses all the time, it was a true passion of mine."

I looked up at him abruptly. "Really? I didn't know that." Edward on a bucking bronco. Hooootttt...Naked Edward on a bucking bronco...HOoottter...

He nodded sweetly. "Yes, I learned both the Western and English style of riding..." He let that hang in the air as his eyes looked wistful for a moment. His diggler looked wistful too, but I think that had more to do with my naked breast bobbing right in front of it than the diggler thinking about ponies and shit.

"What's the difference between Western and English styles of riding," I asked.

"I can show you if you like." He motioned his hand towards his lap--as if he wanted me to sit on it. His face was so innocent, I felt guilty for what I was thinking inside my dirty head. But he wasn't going to have to ask me twice. I leapt at the chance to straddle him skin on skin.

"Woah, easy there, Bella," Edward laughed as he positioned me farther away from Diggler. "I'm glad you told me to keep my tie on, cause it can be used as a sort of rein."

Rein?

"Okay, now Bella-- for a Western riding style, you will hold the rein with one hand." He guided my hand to his neck tie. "Now hold on firmly, because it's the rein that keeps you in charge."

A very inappropriate giggle fell out of my mouth as I grabbed a hold to his tie.

"Good grip, Bella. Very firm." Another giggle escaped.

"NOW, here's where Western and English styles differs. Let's pretend I'm the horse." He began to move his pelvis in a pumping motion--my mouth fell open. "And notice my trot." Oh, I'm noticing big boy...

"Western riders hold the reins with one hand, and then SIT the trot. Okay, first spread your legs into a WIDE V shape." Two giggles and a squeal came out this time as he helped me position my legs WIDE on top of his lap. All the while, he was still pumping the ol' pelvis.

"Okay, now, lower your bum back into the _saddle--_or in this case, my lap- with your legs still stretched.." Edward's hands guided me as I grinded down into his lap. No more giggles were to be had, just a soft moan on my part.

"Good, Bella, you are a natural! Now...pull yourself even further down and forward into the..uh..._saddle_..." His hands helped me to grind forward onto his lap, my hips raising slightly as it met up with Diggler. I gasped as Edward's hands gripped onto my hips roughly.

"Gooood, love," He said with a huskier voice. "You want to try the English style now?" His face was turned down slightly watching me grind slowly into him. Edward's eyes flickered up at me, and they stared out from under his dark eyebrows. I was barely coherent enough to nod--but I managed with the thought of more riding styles to try out on my own, personal bucking bronco.

"Hold onto my tie with two hands now, Bella." Edward's voice was gradually taking on a more commanding air-and I liked it. I gripped roughly onto his tie with both hands, waiting for the next direction.

"Now, with the English style, you are going to post my trot." Edward began to pump his pelvis again; but this time, the "trot" was slow and more thorough in it's movements. Diggler was sitting straight at attention, like a huge python that was hypnotizing me with it's slithering movements. I couldn't look away.

"Now, this is how you post, love," Edward's hands getting back to directing from my hips. "Posting my trot means you are going to rise out of my lap with the stride, instead of grinding into it, okay? Let's give it a try."

Edward's pumping hips and his hands on my hips began to work in tandem. He soon found a rhythm of hip pumping while flopping me up out of his lap-and then pushing me down back hard into the lap. Edward had positioned me right against his diggler at this point; so every time he would raise me up from his lap, my core was sliding upwards against the length his cock. With each slide upward, I became more slick from the amazing friction--and Edward's hands became more forceful. Two could play that game, I thought in a daze. I began to pull on his tie harder, pushing his head downward every time I rode up against his cock, putting his lips dangerously close to my bouncing breasts.

When I reached the top of his length after several minutes of "posting the trot," I adjusted myself just slightly--causing his tip to move slightly into my entrance. Edward froze immediately, and redirected himself away from the welcoming party.

"I'm sorry," I started in. "I know you were just trying to show me your horse riding tricks, and then I took it somewhere else..." I tried to even out my breath as I began to think about Ben Cheney's ridiculous advice to get over sex by being naked. Although that really didn't sound like a Ben Cheney to propose such an exercise...hey, wait a minute...

"Where did Ben Cheney get this idea from, " I said with a probbing eye.

Edward looked at me, all innocence."He learned all about it a couples therapy center that is located right next door to your Ballet-ates Studio-- in fantastyland."

My eyes almost bugged out of their sockets as my mouth dropped. Edward gave me a sexy smirk as he flipped me over onto my back, his chest resting against my core now as he knelt on the car floor. He leaned back to the console in the front of his car and fiddled with a couple buttons, before he put his attention back on me.

"You knew? You knew all the time about the ballet-ates?"

He thought for a moment. "No, actually I believed you for a long stretch. But that was only because it was so convenient to believe you I guess." I smacked his head lightly as I began to laugh.

"_I can show you the different riding styles if you'd like_..." I mimicked Edward's words and shook my head in disbelief--my sweet little Edward was just as scheming as Alice when he wanted to be.

"That's What She Said," Emmett yelled from the other side of the parking lot. God, I hate vampire bionic hearing...

"Ugh, your family is damn nosey, I swear, I'm this clos-" Edward put a finger to my lips and shushed me. He lifted my legs, and then spread them slowly, smiling at me mischeviously the whole time. Once my feet reach both sides of the car windows, his hands slowly grazed up the sides of my body, and rested on my breasts. Edward began kissing the inside of my thighs, instantly causing my whole body to constrict. My legs began to tremble in anticipation. It was going to kill me to do this, but I loved the guy. So I forced myself to do the right thing:

"Edward, are you sure you want to do this? I know you always wanted to wait to make love on our wedding night..."

Edward's tongue lapping ascent up my thigh stopped and he threw a cocksure smile in my direction.

"Oh, we will make love on our wedding night, love. But this is Prom Night. Prom night is about fucking your brains out, Bella. And tonight, not only can I enjoy your bouquet, but I don't have to resist the wine either." With that, he lunged downward, his tongue flicking out at vampiric speed.

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**EmmettPOV**

"Aw, Rose, did you hear that? Edward used his first f-bomb ever while doing sexy talk!" I shook my head, beaming with pride. "My little bro is growing up before my eyes."

Rose stopped undressing me for a second and threw a glance over to the other side of the parking. 'And look at Bella! Just a couple weeks back, she was wearing Tigger flannel and asking Edward if he wanted to "do it." Now she's spread eagle in the back of a car, with her hoe heels poking outside of both windows. It seems just like yesterday she was a totally frigid, mousey human girl..."

I snickered..."Posting the trot, what a character Edward can be..."

Rose rolled her eyes. "More like posting the twat..."

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**BPOV(and seriously, if you don't link the youtube video of "You shook me all night long," I'll be really disappointed in you...lol)**

"Gawdamnitholyshitfuckingdamnitholyjebusfuckinga-Edwardddddddddddddddddddddddddddd..." I screamed.

His head shot up from between my legs, his lower face glistening--his eyes coal black. I saw the unspoken request from his eyes. I nodded.

He positioned himself right outside of me, but paused for a breif moment. I squirmed in protest.

"Bella," he said in a low voice, "you need to help me right now...you need to tell me if I'm hurting you in any way..." his eyes were lightening as his old fears kicked in..."I couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you..."

"Shhhh," I hissed in an impatient tone, "of course Edward I'll tell you. Now hop to it..." He put his hands on my waist firmly-and then pushed himself inside of me.

The reaction time from both of us was immediate. Cold, piercing-yet so pleasurable, I gasped at all the different sensations competing for my attention. The most dominant sensation was feeling Edward's cold temperature instantly melt as I surrounded him.

"Oh, Bella," he grunted. He paused for a moment, his eyes closed and eyebrows furrowed. My mouth dropped at the sight-he looked like an angel. An angel that I was defiling. It made me grin from ear to ear.

He then made the sexiest move ever-his face still twisted in sweet torture, he began to circle his hips just slightly, making sure I was getting used to his size.

"Edward," I whimpered back, my hips responding in motion to his. He began to pump more vigorously now, finding a mid-tempo motion that was driving me crazy. I gripped on harder to him and couldn't help myself.

I knew better--all this time, I knew the drill. Let Edward take over and try to not be too...responsive. But I couldn't help myself. My hips bucked up roughly as I grunted back at him. And he lost it.

Edward froze for a good 10 seconds, just staring at me. I thought he was trying to scold me at first. But instead, a low growl came out from the bottom of his throat. And as that growl gained momentum in terms of volume, Edward grabbed tightly onto my hips--a little too tightly--and thrusted inside me with a force he hadn't shown before.

"Ohhh, ow..." I screamed out. It didn't hurt really-it was more the shock of him going from small pumps to a sharp thrust that took me by surprise.

Edward's face fell in horror as he quickly realized he what he'd done.

"Bella, I'm so sorry," he whispered as recoiled from me. Crap-time to do damage control.

"Nothing to be sorry about it, I'm fine. Get back to business, horse whisperer..."

But he wasn't having any of it. He sat there frozen on his knees, looking completely defeated. But I would not let his guilt ruin this. Not tonight. I quickly jumped up and turned on the mp3 player in his car. I hooked up my ipod, and set it on "loop" as I cued a song.

I then got my commando on.

"Edward, I know you are scared of hurting me. But I'm scared of hurting you too if you don't finish what you started. There are ways around your fears of hurting me. "I motioned to the flat, wide console of his car that was situated in between the driver and passenger seat. "Sit," I directed, as I motioned to the console. He did, but wouldn't look at me.

"Now wrap your arms around both seat head rests." He complied. I began to braille his abs. "Now, Edward, let me take charge now. You just sit back and enjoy the ride. And if you have excess...energy that needs to come out, take it out on the head rests. Problem solved okay?"

I cued the player, and the familiar strums of a guitar chord came out. This was the first song on Dirty Eddie's play list, and it seemed the most appropriate song for what I was about to do.

_**She was a fast machine**_

_**She kept her motor clean**_

_**She was the best damn woman that I ever seen **_

I began to sway my hips back and forth as I winked him. His eyes began to blacken as I slid myself back onto hip lap.

"Now, Papi, let's see if I learned how to post trot and sit trot properly."

I positioned myself over him, and slid down slowly on Diggler. Edward's eyes rolled to the back of his head as he gripped the head rests violently.

Once I took him all in, I whispered into his ear, "Let's start off posting." I had no idea what that even meant still; but I lifted up off his length slowly, then pushed back down onto him hard. I paused to gauge his reaction.

"No, don't stop," he said with his eyes closed. I couldn't help but smile as I continued "posting." I began to pick up the pace more, and Edward was now meeting my movements, thrusting in time with each of my descents.

_**Taking more than her share**_

_**Had me fighting for air**_

_**She told me to come but I was already there**_

"Am I getting the hang of posting, Papi?"

He grunted back in recognition. That wasn't good enough, I smugly thought. I stopped all movement. "I said, Edward, am I getting the hang of posting?"

"YEssss...shit..." I laughed at seeing my normally overpolite Edward get annoyed with my games.

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**APOV**

"Sweet, they are losing their virtue to AC/DC..." Jasper sputtered out. We were in the middle of some unvirtuous activity ourselves in the backseat of my Porsche.

"Who knew those sexual Rainmen had it in them, huh? They've come a long way, " I said with a proud smile on my face. I told Bella never to bet against me! I jumped onto Jasper, feeling more triumphant in my abilities than ever...

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**BPOV**

After several minutes, I knew I wasn't going to last much longer. Edward's head rest were getting more mangled by the moment, while Edward's moans alone were enough to send me over the edge. Time to bring home the bacon.

I leaned in and whispered, "Time for me to try to sit the trot now, Horse Whisperer..." Edward's eyes grew wide with anticipation.

I took in his length in it's entirety. I then sat still for a long moment as we stared at eachother. I began to grind even deeper into him.

"OH, Bella, I can't...handle..."

"That's the point, Edward, I want to see you not handle it." I continued to grind down on him slowly, digging as far into him as I could in a round about motion with my hips.

Edward's eyes popped; in an instant, his hands smashed both head rests, and then fell to my waist. He forcefully-but not tooo forcefully--began to grind me back and forth, deeper onto his cock.

_**'Cause the walls start shaking**_

_**The earth was quaking**_

_**My mind was aching**_

_**And we were making it and you -**_

He stopped for a brief moment, and then rushed out that he was going to come. Without warning, he started pulling a "posting" on me, moving me up and down quickly onto him in a frantic manner.

_**You Shook me all night long**_

_**Yeah you shook me all night long**_

I couldn't hold on any longer, I let out a huge wail as I felt my insides contract in ways I never knew was possible. My whole body was shaking as my outburst took flight:

**"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"**

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**APOV**

"**MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYY!"**

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**RPOV**

**"FUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKINGGGGGGGGGG!"**

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**EsmePOV**

**"CARRRRRRRRLLLLLISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSLEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" **

"Did you hear all that screaming all the way from the high school? I think the kids are up to mishief again! That better be them yelling out at the Condom Burning Bonfire and not what I think it is!"

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**BPOV**

As Edward held me tight, we both couldn't stop from giggling.

"I told you we were perfect for eachother, Edward. In every way." He chuckled as he nodded in affirmation.

"I love you, Bella. I couldn't have dreamed up a more perfect girl for me. "

I was so happy in that moment. And yet, something get bugging me. Like I was forgetting about something important...

0000000000000000000000000

**JPOV**

"Bella? Anyone? Hello?"

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**BPOV**

I hugged Edward as tightly as I could. "Thanks for making all my dreams come true tonight." Dreams-I had been dreaming about this night forever. I couldn't believe that it all came together--despite some huge obstacles that came at us from every direction.

Just then, I had one concern.

"Um, Edward, do you think we should have used a condom?"

Edward laughed out loud. "Don't be absurd, Bella. I'm a vampire, you are a human. There's no way you could get pregnant."

I chuckled along with him. "Yeah, seriously, that would be one messed up kid, half vamp and human. With weird powers probably that would make her all creepy and shit to everyone!"

Edward giggled at my description.

"Well, that's one awesome advantage to having unprotected sex with a vampire. I don't have to worry about getting knocked up."

"I love you Bella Swan." Edward's loving gaze made me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

"I love you, Edward." I thought for a moment. "Hey, do you mind if we go to Denny's right now? I'm so hungry I could eat like... a dozen egg omelet! I'm really craving eggs for some reason." I yawned. "And then maybe like a big 12 hour nap afterward. I'm bushed all of the sudden."

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**okay, that last part isn't funny unless you read Breaking Dawn...lol**

**THANKS FOR READING MY SILLY STORY!**


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